Poetry

What does this mean to you?

Still I Rise


You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

Maya Angelou

Gratitude

Skycrystal2005: I felt like a stay-at-home mom/housewife yesterday.

NoraDragoon: that's what brian wants you to be

NoraDragoon: a stay at home mom with an education

NoraDragoon: haha

Skycrystal2005: nah.

Skycrystal2005: hahaha

Skycrystal2005: HE wants to be a stay at home dad

NoraDragoon: well, chuck and i don't want to work

NoraDragoon: we both want to stay home and have fun

NoraDragoon: i wish life was that way

Skycrystal2005: No shit.

Skycrystal2005: I think I want something good to happen ... that's why I'm still going to school.

NoraDragoon: i don't like having to trade my time for a measly 10/hr paying job. i don't like trading my time for money

NoraDragoon: that's why i need to be self employed

Skycrystal2005: I want to work hard for a few years in order to do what we want.

Skycrystal2005: My man works hard every single day.

Skycrystal2005: And when I say hard, it's hard work, and he comes home with cuts and wounds all the time.

Skycrystal2005: I love him, and I love him for working so hard for us.

Skycrystal2005: And I'm not going to let him do this his entire life.

NoraDragoon: chuck does that too, but he comes home covered in construction glue and has some sort of spinters from working with wood all day

NoraDragoon: i come home and my wrists hurt

NoraDragoon: from typing

Skycrystal2005: God, I actually have someone who works to take care of me so that I won't have to worry.

Skycrystal2005: Who would have thought the smelly weird kid from high school would be the one to do that for me. Hahaha!
[Ok, so Nora said that Brian was stinky when he was in high school. Unfortunately (and fortunately), I have no recollection of that.]

NoraDragoon: your funny

Skycrystal2005: I'm serious! Do you know how many people out there want exactly what I have?

Skycrystal2005: I bet countless.

Some Understanding

I can't say that this is any sort of enlightenment, but I will say that I can understand better now.

I spend the morning of the New Year's Eve talking to my parents about our relationship and the fact that we're so different.

Skycrystal2005: I just read what you sent me. And I guess what is God to other people is what is my family to me.
Skycrystal2005: It's very very very hard -- and morally impossible -- to take family or God out of the equation for some people.
Skycrystal2005: Phil, our friend, for example.
NoraDragoon: i know
Skycrystal2005: His girlfriend broke up with him because of religious differences.
Skycrystal2005: Very sad.
Skycrystal2005: Love is one thing, religion is another, it seems.
NoraDragoon: some people are very adiment about god and pleasing god and what not, i asked julie this question,
Skycrystal2005: But what is the very point of the issue, at least for Kelly, Phil's ex, anyway ...
Skycrystal2005: is that how do you reconcile and balance between love, and something that you have had all your life, be it God or family expectations?
Skycrystal2005: On one hand, you LOVE this man,
Skycrystal2005: on the other hand, it's almost impossible to deny what you've believed your entire life.
Skycrystal2005: It is to "deny",
NoraDragoon: and doesn't god want you to be happy so that you can supposivly serve him better
Skycrystal2005: because that's not what your family or the scripture agrees.
Skycrystal2005: Happiness, they say, is to share it.
Skycrystal2005: There are guidelines to it, they believe.
NoraDragoon: how i look at it is this, you have to make your self happy otherwise, you're going to always be denying yourself things that are there for you to enjoy, love to be a good example
Skycrystal2005: And regardless of whether these guidelines are shackles or not,
Skycrystal2005: it's something many have lived with for a long time,
Skycrystal2005: and are not ready to go against it.
NoraDragoon: and i see it as a sad thing
Skycrystal2005: That's why I think it's such a hard thing for some.
NoraDragoon: putting conditions on yourself only to be unhappy in the end
NoraDragoon: me too
NoraDragoon: it's hard for me to deal with people who are so evangelical with religion
Skycrystal2005: It makes some people question the life they used to lead.
Skycrystal2005: it's a matter of self-valuation.
NoraDragoon: totally
Skycrystal2005: If you do things differently, then what does your life before mean?
Skycrystal2005: Did you do it all in vain?
NoraDragoon: i don't know i value my self much more then others value themselves
Skycrystal2005: What will happen in the future?
Skycrystal2005: Is this "love" really going to bring me happiness?
Skycrystal2005: What if it fails ... then it'll be all lost.
NoraDragoon: maybe,
Skycrystal2005: That's what I can see them feeling.
NoraDragoon: no it's not all a loss, it's a learning experience and you have to learn and do trial and error before you can succeed
NoraDragoon: you have to learn to fail to be able to prevail
NoraDragoon: it's a concept that took me a while myself to understand.
Skycrystal2005: The thing is ... errors are not allowed in some communities. Be it right or wrong, there are things that you do that will make you or break you in certain circles.
NoraDragoon: and i think thats why i don't agree with organized religion for the most part, there are a lot of good things about it, but there are a lot a faults to it too.
Skycrystal2005: In a traditional family, you become an ingrate (an ungrateful person). In a religious circle, I don't know, you might become a sinner.
NoraDragoon: that's kind of what happens.
Skycrystal2005: In Hollywood, you become a slut if you get into too many relationships.
Skycrystal2005: Or at least dysfunctinoal.
NoraDragoon: my cousin adam prays for me everyday, just so that i don't go to hell.
Skycrystal2005: In politics, well, look at Clinton.
NoraDragoon: he feels that i'm living a sinners life and need to be saved in his world
Skycrystal2005: so, in every community, in every circle, there is that kind of condemnation and ostricism.
Skycrystal2005: Some people are less susceptible, but some are very affected by it.
Skycrystal2005: But I dare say that no one is impervious to it.
Skycrystal2005: Because we are all related.
NoraDragoon: yeah, and it's our jobs as individuals to choose whether or not we are going to let someone that has a closed mind about things let them affect us in any sort of manner
Skycrystal2005: That's all we can do on an individual level.
Skycrystal2005: If you have doubts about a relationship ... or the valuation between the relationship with a lover and the relationship between your community,
Skycrystal2005: then chances are, you need more time to think it through.
Skycrystal2005: and you may not be as ready as you think.
NoraDragoon: that is the point, right there.
Skycrystal2005: That's what I gathered from my experience with my family.
Skycrystal2005: I realized that I value my relationship with Brian so much that it is worth it to me to stand up.
Skycrystal2005: The question to those who are in similar positions as mine is: IS IT WORTH IT TO YOU?
NoraDragoon: my family has there ideals as to what they want for me, but they also have been told by me that i don't apprieciate it when they tell me that something i'm doing isn't right or what not. i have to remind them sometimes that i'm my own person and that what i do is right for me and might not be right for them.
NoraDragoon: same goes for anyone that tells me that i'm going to hell cuz i'm not a christian or something
NoraDragoon: crazy like that
Skycrystal2005: And of course, some families take that better than others ....
Skycrystal2005: My family doesn't take the comment of "I make my own choices" so well, you see.
Skycrystal2005: But it's a delicate balance, and it's different for everyone.
NoraDragoon: oh i know
Skycrystal2005: It's the judgement called "worth" that became key to me.
NoraDragoon: that's right, everyone is different. there are not two people in this world, walking this earth that are the same
NoraDragoon: we are all like snow flakes every crystal is unique
Skycrystal2005: For those who think it's worth it to stand up, congrats,
Skycrystal2005: because this relationship will mean that much more to you two.
Skycrystal2005: And it's not to detract worth from those who are lucky enough not to have to fight like that.
Skycrystal2005: Because peace is a wonderful thing.
Skycrystal2005: But those of us who have to fight, we know to hold on to the relationship that much tighter.
Skycrystal2005: It makes us as snowflakes just a little prettier in our eyes .... :-)
NoraDragoon: damn straight
Skycrystal2005: I'm just gonna put this in my blog.

Resolute Resolutions

I never really believed in new year resolutions. Kinda phony, I thought. If you're going to change anything, you'd feel it, and you'd change it. I guess this is part philosophy and part character flaw. Maybe that's why I never made many changes throughout the years that I can count. This year, however, I feel is a very monumental year. During the second half of 2006, my life has drastically changed. I never lived for myself, as I have always wanted to help, to save, to give. But this year, I realized that not only will I truly never live for myself, I will also never live alone. So in welcoming this change, let me boldly and resolutely say ...

I have decided that I should make the following adjustments in 2007:

1. When I say "I have decided", go through with it;

2. Kick ass in school (enough said, coz I know exactly what that means);

3. Believe in Brian, and believe in myself. Believe in a bright future, and believe in "us". Hold on to them and do not let go;

4. Before I start stressing out and getting scared, give myself a couple more minutes to evaluate whether it's worth it or not. Seriously, is someone going to die? Is the world going to end? No? Well, then it'll be ok -- DON'T PANIC;

5. Before I start to procrastinate ("Oh, I can do this later."), start doing it -- one step at a time. Seems like I am more likely to procrastinate because I get overwhelmed by the task;

6. Build a better relationship with my parents and continue the special ties I have with my cousins;

7. Just do it, and don't think too much about it while I'm doing it ... have a positive attitude, and it'll all work out;

8. Trust that I can do more than I think;

9. Find more perspective to understand, but always first understand firmly my perspective;

10. Be a better friend and check in with my friends more often;

11. Drive, and carefully so;

12. Think of more creative ways to write;

13. Cook more and use my cookbooks;

14. Practice being an "Untouchable";

15. Be healthy and start climbing again;

16. Spend less time waiting around and stalking on MySpace. Instead, devote that time to reading, gaining knowledge and expanding creativity;

17. Volunteer in my spare time;

18. Enjoy exploring myself and additional hobbies in my spare time (don't be shy; you will fall embarrassingly more than you want).