Paradise

I am not sure how I'm supposed to feel. It's not like there's a right or wrong answer, but I just don't know. I guess confused and depressed would be it. Maybe angry that my innocence is lost, gone with it is the little shred of grace I had. The fact of the matter is I love who I think I am to him, and I love who he is to me, and I don't want any of that to change ... not like this. Maybe I feel I've been wronged because I didn't do anything to deserve it all. Maybe I feel trapped, like there is no escape and no return. Maybe I pity myself because, after all, what bad things wouldn't happen to someone like me even when I've been careful? No, give me my happiness back! I don't want to feel like this, and I don't want this for us!

And I feel alone. No matter what, I am still stuck with my own feelings, my own life, my own everything ... on my own, no matter how much someone loves you. He can't protect me when his past comes to haunt us. I can only stay strong and hope that I am strong enough to shield him, too.

I even feel selfish for feeling the way I do because it affects him just as much as it affects me ... just differently. I feel guilty for being angry at him because he didn't hurt me intentionally. I am also disgusted at myself, like I have a mark that makes me less loveable. Well, nobody is really at fault, I guess. I can't reasonably direct my anger at anyone, and it frustrates me. All of this adds up.

It's harder at night. It always is ... with everything. There's something about depression, loneliness and the darkness that go hand-in-hand. The shadow in the night descends ... it's all so familiar. And so, I my dreams take me back to my darker days, when I was alone and sad and screaming out for help ... I hate being reminded of bad things. I cry at night when no one knows, so that I can have some release before the day breaks and I have to pretend that everything is ok. Pretense. I hate pretense. I can't pretend that everything is ok when it isn't.

But I stay here by his side. I give him care and support because I love him so much, and I want to give him everything I have.

... Please promise me everything will be ok, that love will never fade, that there is nothing to be afraid of and that you'll never go, because I love you so much ....

It just hurts.