Antithesis

Last night, I told Jeremy: "My life sucks."
"No, it doesn't. You shouldn't say that," said Jeremy.

He's right. The minute it came out, I knew it wasn't true.

My life doesn't suck.
In fact, like Brian says, I'm lucky.

I have shelter. I have hot food (and cold, too, if I want it). I have someone who loves me more than so many other things in the world. I have support, and I know I can get it anytime I want ... and I can get a lot of it because so many of you would give it generously.

Oh, what's better? Drum roll ...

I HAVE CHOICES!

I can make my own decisions, no matter how joyful or how painful it can be!

I read that poverty is not just identified by monetary value.
Poverty means you don't have a choice in how you live your life.

You can't question what life means to you, how you live it, and what you can make it for other people.

When many of us think we suffer from doubiousness, we are actually exercising a kind of freedom ... we have the luxury to doubt!

What "sucks" is just that I feel sucky because I believe it's sucky because, whether I can verbalize it or not, I know what I want deep down, but I think I can't have it because I am afraid I might fall or disappoint because I have always identified myself with the way people think about me and their expectations and forgot that I need to empty my mind so that I can be move on without any thoughts holding me back.

Did that make sense??

What sucks even more is that, and I will be perfectly honest, I have been selfish.

Yes, me.
The "selfless", "generous", "gentle", "inspired and inspiring", almost "angelic" Elaine. *ahhhh ... the cherubs sing -- do you hear? don't worry; neither do i*

I have been focusing everything -- the good and the bad -- on me, when (after reading Karen's blog and EVERYONE'S comments and her replies) now I realize that I haven't given much ... to my family, to my friends, and to my community and communities with needs of which I am aware.

I remember in high school how I would volunteer and help. Even in college, I didn't teach just for the prestige (though I did benefit from that); I taught because I wanted to help!

Where has my spirit gone?
Maybe that's what I've been searching for all along when things didn't feel right for the last couple of years -- and still don't feel right.

Who wants to be nice to strangers with me?
Let's go and volunteer.