A Repost of "Proud to Be"

As I import my blogs from MySpace one by one (since MySpace is so primitive, there is no available program out there that allows me to effeciently and effectively export blogs to another location ... not that I know of anyway), I got a chance to re-read many of the entries I wrote through the years past (since 2005). The highs and the lows and everything in between make me appreciative of every moment I get to learn about Life.

Tonight, I stumbled on to the following. I felt that it is a worthy to repost for the third time.

A very very long time ago (perhaps two and a half years ago, and I call that a long time because so much has happened since), my good friend, Ashley, who I have been friends with since the 8th grade, sent me an e-mail that, still to this day, I think of often. No, it's not because of how elegant or eloquent the language is, not becuase of how it envoked any sort of pathos in me, but because of the way it reminded me of how I want to live my future.

The 20s aren't easy. This is a period of change, of transformation, of knowledge and growth, of exploration, and of understanding. Through our most tragic times, we emerge as the people that we become -- hopefully the people that we want to become. The decision that we make now will be with us for the rest of our time. They will shape our stories, which I hope will be stories that we will be proud to tell.

In light of this spirit, I would like to share with my friends (you know who you are) and all of you, women AND men, out there, the following. And with this, I send to you all my best wishes.

Blog entry title: PROUD TO BE

EVERY WOMAN

A woman should have
enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own even if she never wants to or needs to.

A woman should have
something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour.

A woman should have
a youth she's content to leave behind.

A woman should have
a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age.

A woman should have
a set of screw drivers, cordless drill and a black lace bra.

A woman should have
one friend who always makes her laugh and one who lets her cry.

A woman should have
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family.

A woman should have
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored.

A woman should have
a feeling of control over her destiny.

Every woman should know
how to fall in love without losing herself.

Every woman should know
how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship …

and, of course, how to change a tire.

Every woman should know
when to try harder and when to walk away.

Every woman should know that
she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents.

Every woman should know that
her childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over.

Every woman should know
what she would and wouldn't do for love or more.

Every woman should know
how to live alone, even if she doesn't like it.

Every woman should know
who she can trust, who she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally.

Every woman should know
where to go, be it her best friend's kitchen table, or a charming inn in the woods, when her should needs soothing.

Every woman should know
what she can and can't accomplish in a day, a month and a year.

At the End of Spectrums, We Collide

He was looking for someone to nest with and to love. I was looking someone to love and to nest with. This small difference in the order of things made all the difference in the world to me.

He is content with the life he leads, while I have nothing but discontent with mine. This big difference made our world together disappear.

Nothing mattered. It didn't matter what we gave to and wanted for each other. The meaning of our sacrifices for one another morphed through the lenses of our lives. The experiences we took from the life we had together will forever be interpreted with the ways we choose to hear our hearts' calling.

We are simply two very different people who both believe so intensely in who we are and how our worlds should be like, so intensely that we refused to take off our lenses and include in our lives' song the calling of each others' hearts. We are so different in our worldviews but so similar in how tightly we grasp on to our believes.

And for these similarities and differences, we changed each other's life.

Lots ov choclate fer me to aaaet

I ate a lot of chocolate today (well, more than what I normally would anyway, which is none). Oh man, KevHav's Trader Joe's 73% dark chocolate was HEAVENLY!

I also ate a cold slice of pizza for snack, which I don't usually eat. That was good, too.

But -- trust me -- I am still being healthy. Good golly, do I look SO MUCH better now! Maybe happiness really does something to ya! (by the way, my abs, legs and arms are better now -- stronger) Oh, boy, am I gonna look and feel even better. Teeheehee! Now I just wish that I can ride Johnny soon ... if the weather and time permits. :)

As for my social activity of the day, I went to a sustainability event with a few friends, made a few more friends, and definitely met a fashion designer. I wasn't really there for the networking but my own interest on the topic, but dude, it's so cool to know people from all walks of life. Now I know people from manufacturing to construction to retail to politics, the film industry, music industry, and literary field ... and all the way back to the ivory tower!

And I read today. I have so many books (an even bigger collection now!), and I just can't wait to finish them all! I am craving new perspectives and new ways to be alive.

Tomorrow night, I might hang out with my attorneys after work and then go home and bake a cake for this weekend's potluck in Seattle. Oh-so-excited!

Ahhhh, life is so awesome. I am determined to make it even BETTER!!!

How Do We Move On?

By separating the past from the present and linking the present to the future.

The smaller things

I am easily amused. As sophisticated as I am in thought, I am a strange being that finds her everyday enjoyment, not necessarily in the extraordinary, but the mundane: a handsome K9 on leash walking just as staunchly upright as its police officer, a woman with tired bags under her eyes stared blankly into me while reading a large blank book of Braille, the moldy, stuffy smell of books in a cramped corner of the library, which, to me, smells unusually clean and at home, the crisp, determined crack of the cue ball breaking a rack, the luscious maroon of the bar table, whose lacquer has been marked by scratches of good times .... My world is full of texture, taste, color, smells, and meaning. I repeat everything I encounter in my mind with word to make sure I know ... because the moment, if I don't feel it, it will never return. Tell me, what excuse is there for me not to be amused easily, even amazed?

Not At All

I don't know HOW I could possibly be missing someone who doesn't exist anymore, but I am. He has no regard for me, he doesn't care, he has ousted me from his life to make his own better when I was the person he wanted to "marry" ... and of course, he's not missing me either. And really, I'm not particularly lonely. I have the best of people around me all the time (seriously all the time!). So what is it? Why am I feeling like this? Why am I lamenting for something that isn't there?

Some people say that it's better to have loved than not at all. I feel that if I had to go through this, then fine. But I seriously would not ever choose to do this again.

And, yes, for those of you who have wondered, you're right -- he really hurt me that bad.

Legacy

My dad is actually a little/a lot like Brian -- very one-track minded, very stubborn, doesn't seem to see the whole picture very well, lacks empathy, and very judgmental. VERY. (an Asian father ... judgmental? Never! haha!)

You know, I hate that, actually. I didn't realize how similar they are until later. Actually, I didn't really SEE the similarities until now that I live with my family again. (I did say I chose to live with my family to get to know them better, right?)

For example, my dad and I were discussing debt, per Suzie Orman's advice and such. The topic started with people who make more than 100,000 dollars a year, but are still heavily in debt.

My dad's perception is these people are stupid and useless. The fact that they can still be in debt even after making 100,000 dollars a year proves that. Well, I wouldn't completely disagree with that -- there is a lot to be said about self-control.

But there must be other aspect to the terrible spending habit, if one may reasonably assume that bad spending is part of the problem. I tend to think that, apart from self-control, there's got to be "emotional issues". If someone lacks the ability to control oneself for an obvious and better alternative of not being in debt, then there's gotta be more to the story.

My guess is that these people have lots of insecurty issues that they compensate with "possessing things". The sense of fulfillment and control, albeit temporary and short-lived, is what they are looking for. Then, that emotional root becomes a habit. And let me tell you that emotional roots are hard for others (and themselves) to uncover and recover when they get buried under the dirt of habits. But that's precisely why it's simple and easy for those like my dad to comment that these people are "stupid and useless". Believe me; no one wants to be in debt, just as no one wants to grow up to be a junkie or whatever else. There's always more to the story worthy of understanding.

My dad commented, "See, I know exactly how things should work. Suzie Orman only writes books, but those things are needless to say. I know already know all of that. I'm so good that I taught myself that. No one taught me how, but me. I am a rarity. You have no place to speak. "

That's EXACTLY what he said tonight -- in Chinese, of course.

You know, along the lines of "I know everything; you know nothing" -- or variations of such depending on what topic we're on, is that kind of arrogance and narrow-mindedness that reminded me of Brian. For a long time, I didn't understand it. For a long time, I was UNWILLING to understand it. But when I loved Brian, I actually bought into it -- gave him the benefit of the doubt that, just maybe, he knew what he was talking about ... just like my dad.

But now that I have come to a better understanding over why these two men do that, I came up with this: They are both trying TOO HARD to gain respect when they have a hard time respecting themselves for who they are. In other words, they can't give themselves the kind of respect they ask for.

So what? So they put you down to lift themselves up. (I mean, sure, do whatever you need to do to make your life easier, but just don't make everyone else's life worse. Come on. And you demand respect from us? Please. You might as well just beg - that might work better than being arrogant.)

It's just really frustrating talking to people like that because they just think I'm stupid. They would say anything -- anything! -- to prove you wrong, even if it means to say something completely off-topic or completely doesn't make sense just to throw you off and re-pave the playing field to where they are in control. (TIP: Now I know that, most the time, they lose track of what they say. So they would put up a front that makes them SEEM like they know what they're talking about ... don't buy into it. The best way is not just to ignore them, but to do something else and show that you enjoy doing that something else. Try not to pick on their fallacies in argument and errors, if you really care. If you mean anything to them, they will be very angry with you for catching their mistakes. If you don't mean anything to them, they will very much dislike you, at best.)

They will make you feel like your ideas and views are stupid, unnecessary and other negative things that I don't understand. They will set up the assumption that you are weak, therefore, you can't possibly know any better. That also means they know better, which also means they know the most and the best in the world. This gives them clout to illegitamize what you say, what you do, and who you are. Whether this is their goal or not, one way or another, the outcome is: the more you are around people that ASSUME you're weak, you'll start to believe that you are. Then, you'll start to really lose your strength and actualize their imagination. You will act out their fantasy that they are in control and are better -- that their arrogance is legit. And pretty soon, they will shun you for your artificial "weakness".

All my life, I've lived with that. I lived for years and years thinking that that's how men are. My romantic relationships with men are just like that: I loved them, I was willing to put up with it, but I also expect to have to fight for my place. When I let that guard down and tried to expect more peace, I practically got eaten up and spat out. And, you know, some people get better over time as they grow, but others, like my dad, never grew out of that.

Surely, I am having a tough time reconciling with this legacy.

Emo Like This, Emo Like That

I've been listening to a lot of emo junk lately. I like how upbeat but depressed they can be. The juxtaposition hasn't been worn off yet.

Today, I heard this:
"Rest assured that I am moving on. I miss you less with each day you're gone." ~ Matchbox Romance

When that came on, I just wanted to say:
Sorry, you've been expelled from my life. (wait, no. I'm not sorry.) You were right about one thing though, which you said when you were trying to find every and any excuse to expel me: I am better off without you ... better and better by the day.

I, a chemical reaction

I guess, basically, all we are are just a chemical reaction ... even an accidental chemical reaction, maybe.

But this small fundamental fact does not and cannot discredit all the wonders and possibilities it creates.

So keeping that in mind, why should we surrender control over our belief in life because of a memory?

Connect-the-Dots

My life is like a game of Connect the Dots. But in this game, I've got to, first, create the Dots, and then Connect them. It's quite the operation, you see. I've got to design what kind of Dots I want -- color, shape, etc.. Then, I've got to think of where I want my Dots. To create the over all picture that I want, I must strategically locate my Dots, in order for the Connections to be made right.

You know, even though I lead a small life, still, it's brilliant.

Totally Awesome

I really don't have anything deep to say other than:

1. My new phone is totally awesome!
2. My new iPod is totally awesome!
3. My girls are totally awesome!
4. My Saturday with co-workers is going to be totally awesome!
5. My Sunday climbing is going to be totally awesome!
6. Smiling is totally awesome!
7. Writing blogs is totally awesome!
8. Hanging with my bro and his friends was totally awesome!

OK. I'll stop.

Maybe, or Maybe

You know,
I am my own person
my own soul
my own being
in this world I call
my own.

Maybe
I shouldn't take it so personally
that someone couldn't handle
all that I am.

Or maybe
I should take it that personally
that someone didn't keep his word
and conveniently chalked it up as
"the end will justify the pain" and
"you are better off without me".

(But if one cannot even keep a
commitment,
then, what's the point in having
any relationship?)

Maybe
it's better to let it all be nothing,
to take neither sides.

Or maybe
you can't afford to

teeter
in
the
middle
;

you've got to take a stand in life
somehow.

Question to Ponder

My friend Tammy has this quote posted on her page:

"If a man chooses to live a life of experience, he'll know the purpose of every object that he passes on the road. He'll know the process that object goes through to produce the fruits of it's labor. He'll know these things because he will have worked them with his own two hands, and after all this, if he does find a home, he'll appreciate home all the more.

If a man chooses a practical life he will suffer less hardships along the way. His stories will have the sweetness of unripe tomatoes but his home will be without the heartache of so many uncertain days. Everything he chooses to place around him will become a permanent fixture. His life's attention will be put to the task of nurturing his homestead, watering his lawn, building waterfalls in his backyard, and shingling his roof. His life will become permanent and the people who pass through will become his inspiration."

What does this mean to you?

Waiting at the Bus Stop for The 12

Every morning, I ride the bus to work. And more and more, I realize that everyone else was just waiting with me ... at the bus stop and life.

Really, my life has just been waiting at the bus stop. If right now you are thinking, "Well, you could be doing a whole lot more with your life than waiting, Elaine," then you should think again -- oh, and stop being so freak'n arrogant because you -- you are waiting, too. We are all waiting for something nice to happen to us, hoping that what we do while we wait will help speed up the process a little. Much like those that pound on the button for the crosswalk signal -- as if hitting the button harder and more frequently will produce instant miracles. If you ask them what they're doing, chances are that "I'm trying to get the crosswalk signal on so that I can cross the damn street!" will be your answer. Gratifying, eh?

Life is like this: you stand at the bus stop and hope for the next bus that shows up to be the one you've been waiting for -- maybe the 12 that goes to the Tigard Transit Center if you were me, or the 99 that gets you to your happy place, or that 57 that will give you a ride to a loving relationship.

Along the way, you might have gotten on the wrong bus a couple of times ... or many more. You know, like the absolute disasterous relationships, or the blunder career choice, or the wrong crowd of friends and silly decisions that got you in so so so much trouble back in high school and college. But you know, along the way, you probably have seen some scenery and made some friends on that bus some of us could never imagine. Heck, you might even figure out what life means on one of these joy rides.

But ultimately, you've gotta get off if it's the wrong bus. So you wait again, at the bus stop, and maybe entertain yourself with something while you're waiting: maybe you might study the sun's position, or read some left over newspapers or talk to a fellow bus rider who might teach you a thing or two -- sounds a lot like school, huh? Well, that's really what school is; it's something you do while you wait 'til you're ready -- or 'til the bus is ready to come to you.

Oh, the 12. It's the 12! It's what you've always been waiting for! Well, you get on, and you better not be looking back for a more comfortable or a faster ride because none of it matters anymore. If you are thinking to yourself, "Man, I really could have been that or gone there instead and be happier," then I can pretty much guarantee that you're on the wrong bus, and you'll be off in the next 5 minutes.

I can tell you that because I know this secret: what you could have been instead of what you are now never existed. I can tell you that because I have a story of my own. See, a great deal of many people have told me that I could be such and such a big shot at blankity blank department or company if I could keep at it. If I could stay focused and baggage-free, I could even go around the world to make something of myself -- even make something of the world! All I had to do was to stay focused, stay single, and stay perfect.

I know, it sounds tempting. But the fact of the matter is I saw the 12, I knew I wanted to get on it because it will lead me to Happyville. The 21 would have as well -- you know, the international express to the UN or something? But now that I am on the 12, I know this is the right bus, and the international express 21 to the UN becomes obsolete. The 12 led me to a home, a family, a wonderful other half, happiness .... The 12 was the right bus, you see. I know because I don't miss waiting for the 21. When you don't miss waiting for something else, you know you are happy with what you've got, and what you've got is right for you.

Well, if you ride the bus as much as I do and don't have the ride all figured out, I suppose life is just gonna get boring.