Decision to Survive

And, ya know, I understand that "not seeing him" might appear to be immature to some, but to a certain extent, one just cannot care too much about what appears to be mature or not. This is not for spite. This is for survival. This is for my battle to keep my sanity. I don't understand why that's so hard to be understood.

Perhaps those that deem my personal decision to not see him as immature in fact too highly esteem themselves and underestimate what bad memories and heartbreak (to the point of trauma) mean.

Perhaps he's forgotten how it felt when he went through having his heart torn open.

Perhaps scars numb.

But I know that I'd rather appear immature than to wait until everyone is asleep to cry like a small hurt animal in the middle of the night the way I did not too long ago ...

... every fuck'n night.

You give away your heart. You love whole-heartedly. You get hurt (your insides hurt, even your body hurts, and all you want to do is throw up). You never want to revisit it. There's nothing immature about that at all.

The fact that I was questioned and that I even have to offer any type of explanation for this is ridiculous.

How do I say it best?

"Let's clear up a few things here:

I am very offended that you would actually call my parents' phone AGAIN after I had, politely but firmly, asked you NOT to ever call there anymore. You could have just written me (but even then, it's still unnecessary). So let me tell you again: Please DO NOT call that number again. And, NO, I will not release my new phone number to you.

As an act of charity, let me remind you that I've told you about 3 months ago why I so strongly dislike you. If you will only remember what I said to you then, your memory will be refreshed, and you will not have to ask me again. The fact that you would even ask me now is completely ludicrous and absurd. Why not pay attention then when I tried so hard to talk to you? Why not do it right the first time around? It certainly does not take a rocket scientist to figure out why someone would dislike you after you have mistreated them.

To continue as a gesture of good faith, I will also remind you that my life, as well as other people's lives, does NOT revolve around you. My decision to not talk to you and to not see you has nothing to do with "hating you". Furthermore, it has nothing to do with my maturity level. In fact, it is your maturity level that should be examined. So, please stop undermining and underestimating my integrity as a person to save yourself from appearing foolish and rash.

Should you recall that it was your decision to oust me from your life in the harshest of ways (apparently in order to "better your life" or something along those lines – and, hopefully, you are living a better life now, as a result), you will understand why I am so repulsed to have heard from you.

I shall hope that, if there is a "next time I'll hear from you", you will have thought through what has gone wrong – what you have done to have hurt me so much that I do not want to talk to you or see you, how you treat people and how you want to be treated, what you have done with your life and your relationships with others, what values should be important to you, and what you want out of life and how you're getting there.

Again, hope all's well."
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I am unlike any of your ex-girlfriends, who would come back to you over and over again, and even beg to come back. If you've never met anyone like me, then let me be the first to tell you that I am a woman of options. I am a woman of thought and courage. While you have the right to go your own separate way and fly -- and please do! be happy! -- do not try to drag me down like you have been.

Less is More; More is Less

Less is more;
More is less.

Example:
Tomato paste is 5 cans for $1. But just because it costs less, doesn't mean you should buy more, since you don't use it often anyway. Beyond a certain threshold, the more of this discounted item you buy, the less value you gain out of it.

Example:
I think, maybe, someone with less depth than me would suit him better. Less is more. And I think, maybe, my depth was too much for him to handle. More is less.

This means my quality and caliber as a person have not a bearing on the outcome of a relationship. His not accepting and appreciating my being a quality person does not realistically reflect badly on either of us. In other words, it's not that he was too stupid to realize that he got lucky. It's that he doesn't know what to do with the gold he struck.

Some people are like that: because they've been stuck in the same environment all their lives, they stop growing their capacity to adjust to higher value. Their value cap is lower than others.

It's a matter of adapting to the other person according to your own capabilities. If you are a "horizontal" type person -- meaning your life is stretched horizontally, but remains at the same level, with no vertical measurement of depth to speak of -- then you're better off finding someone who is like that. These people, some of us would call "shallow". But then again, I think I can't possibly expect everyone to be in-depth, can I? After all, everyone fulfills a different role in a common society. Brian, for instance, as shallow, arrogant and selfish as he is, makes for an entertaining friend (for some), and a very good contruction worker, as he is not looking for depth in his work anyway. Without those of his type, who would be doing construction work for long? Buildings would not get built, HVAC systems would not get fixed, and toilets would be clogged because plumming would not get done. And I appreciated that. Aside from what he is now to me, still I appreciate his simplicity, if nothing else.

But of course, many exceed this prototype. There are those out there who are not necessarily in-depth but are happy with their loved ones who are very in-depth. They try to understand depth (the willingness is more important than understanding the depth), making "more is more".

These people are happy with what they have. If nothing else, they appreciate what they've got. They are willing to adapt. These are the happy ones, the lucky ones. And where do I find them?