I'm My Knight

Brian left.

The love of my life closed the door before leaving for work, kept me in the house where I felt safe and at home. I just hope that he won't get hurt at work today; I know how hard he works. That's why I get up no matter how early it is to tell him I love him before he leaves ... maybe for my peace of mind that he knows I do. I think I'll make him dinner tonight.

Comfortable on a Monday, when most working people aren't, I laid in bed this morning at 5:45, thinking. After deciding what I should be for Halloween, I thought about other things, like career, life, school ... things that I dread thinking about because the unknown has been weighing on me since I don't have an answer for any of those things.

Won't someone take it away?

No, it's just me. I'm my knight. Not you, nor you, nor you ... but me, because you can't save me in the life that I live. I won't dump my responsibility on you.

I've been running into trouble focusing lately. I think it's mostly because I'm suddenly losing career direction. Where do I want to go? What do I want to do? Honestly, graduate school opened my eyes. No, I haven't seen THE TRUTH quite yet, but it definitely opened up a door to many questions about corporate America and the measure of success in relations to happiness. I think it's time for me to do some re-grouping. I need some inspiration and guidance.

As if fate has something to do with it, I ran into this site on CNN.com on the annual Most Powerful Women in Business Summit:
http://www.timeinc.net/fortune/conferences/womens2006/women_home.html

[Fellow women, check it out. Meanwhile, remember all the successful and strong women all over the world in business, in power or in villages, in poverty, in your home or in your heart.]

Powerful women. It's not easy. How did they get there? How did they get that drive and not settle? How did they come up with the determination, courage and persistence?

I honestly don't know. I'm still in the process of finding myself. No, not that I don't understand myself, but I still don't understand completely. Maybe that's what my life is for. I just hope that it won't be too late when I finally have that epiphany or enlightenment, like the "Ah ha! I got it!" that comes the moment before I die.

I have a loving family -- not always perfect, but I know how lucky I am. I have devoted and loyal friends, without whom I would not be here right now. I have the most perfect significant other I can ever ask for; no, not perfect perfect -- no one is -- but he is perfect for me. Truly, I have everything I need to succeed, but why do I feel so stuck? People see so much in me, almost betting for my success, and I ... well, I just don't know. I can only put up a face and say, "Yeah, I'll be doing this and that and be successful and make a bunch of money and do a lot of good," when in fact I may not even want to do that.

Not that I don't want "a whole bunch of money"; I know the conveniences of money -- that's why I hate it; it's coz I can't live without it. And not that I don't want to do good and serve my community of which I am a part, as I am service-oriented and a defender at heart. But what if I want to

get married and stay at home and take care of the kids and worry about the cat and plan on getting a dog and do the dishes, laundry and learn new recipes, like I never imagined ever wanting to do?

No no, I'm not saying that's what I want to do for sure, but what if? What would you say to me? I'm a nerd, and I enjoy learning, but does a nerd necessarily have to do what nerds are "supposed to do"?

So here I am. I want to see what is so special about US' 50 most powerful women and see how they realized where to go and what to do, how they balance success and happiness, how they value external expectations and internal desires. Did they want to be someone else before they got to where they are?

I know I didn't do as good as I should have this first term. But hopefully I'll be able to do better next time around. It's not the end of the world, right?