Never Too Old

OK. For those who have no idea, I haven't swam since I was in the fifth grade and am convinced that I don't remember how to swim anymore.

Impossible?
Not if you're me!

And don't give me the ole "How can you forget? It's just like riding a bike!"
I happened to have forgotten how to ride a bike, too.

Well, I believe that success builds on success.
So I have decided to take a swimming class next month as a place to start.

Who knows? If I learn enough stuff to do, maybe I can even participate in next year's Pole Pedal Paddle (http://www.greatoutdoors.com/published/2008-pole-pedal-paddle)!

haha! Go outdoors!

la de da

It's okay.
I can take it.
I'm not that into you anyway.
I don't want to be wit someone who is ambiguous, indecisive and evasive.
I don't want to deal with isolation, solitude and reclusiveness that you call independence.
No, don't put a glamorous name on problems darker than you make it seem.
I don't want to feel like an outsider, constantly wondering what I did to make you change your mind.
Well, the point is, I didn't do anything. It's you and your issues.

You are stupid.
The fact that you live like you don't need anyone else doesn't make you look tough. It just makes you look scared.

Sideways

Love is "life's longing for itself;" it is the motivation to propagate our human story.

And I am only an instrument of others.
My presence is to give you the happenings necessary to birth the reason for your own existence, to realize to your legacy, the will of your life.

"A Question for Us All"

This is a thought-provoking article written by a dear friend of mine. Please read.

A question for us all
By Mark Grape

This may be one of the most difficult articles you may ever read. It is one that addresses the very nature of our being, and the way we are not being. When I look around at what is transpiring on this planet, I see a very disturbing pattern. One set in place by men of power taking advantage of the masses through greedy exploitation of our natural resources, of price gouging, lying, deception, greed, lust and self gratification. I see many of our elders living a life controlled by fear and uncertainty; wondering how they are going to afford to live, eat and survive. I see our children's future being one based upon a capitalistic societal view that limits and confines their lives to one of service to the all mighty dollar and not to their own self-discovery, their unique purpose here on earth. I see our education system turning out unconscious drones; void of all life and being trained to be of service to the financial God and its golden rule: "Those that have money rule." Greed, my family, has taken over the world. Greed is raping this planet, exploiting our natural resources and stealing the wages and livelihoods from our people. Greed is using fear as its weapon of choice.
For the past 8 years we have experienced the unconscious, arrogant, ignorant, greedy, selfish acts of a president, his cabinet and his money grubbing backers whose imprint upon this earth and its people will take years, if not decades to repair. This president and those whom he serves-which are not the majority of Americans- are feeding as greedily as they can upon the working class and on Mother Earth herself before his term comes to an end. These individuals, corporations and businesses care not for the welfare of the United States and the other countries we share this planet with. They care only for themselves while using fear and uncertainty to gain as much money as they can before his time runs out. Hundreds of billions of dollars are being taken from us as profits by the oil and gas companies justifying the price gouging upon shortages and demand instead of the truth; which is that they are a group of unconscious, egotistical, self-gratifying greed mongers who manipulate, lie, and create fear of lack to gain profits for themselves. These men and women care not for the welfare of the nation and the working people who put food on their plates, clothes on their backs or the roofs above their heads. They do not lie down at night and consider the ramifications of their actions. They care not for the outcome, for they serve only their God – money. To them, common people, the working class, are expendable and exploitable. They will feed upon us until they no longer can…

This president and his cabinet have opened the door for terrorism, hate, greed, lust and want to enter. He has sheepishly stood before us justifying the war in Iraq, the gouging taking place at the pump, blaming congress and senate for his actions and not taking responsibility for his own. He is a puppet for the greedy, a selfless hollow man who has no back bone, no true compassion and no respect. He is nothing but a pawn; a man of dishonor, arrogance, deception and lies; caring not for the welfare of our people or our nation, but for the welfare of the greedy ones who control him. He is a reflection of the many that have no understanding of love, respect, compassion or our children's future.

What has happened to us? Where are the political leaders, the corporate presidents, the industrial moguls who care for the welfare of our people and our nation? Where are the individuals who know that we are killing, raping, and destroying our natural resources for financial gain who are willing to stop this oppression and destruction? Where are the human beings who look out for the next generation to come and who see their place of power as being one of responsibility for our future generations and this world? Where are the gentle, powerful, caring people who have integrity, respect, compassion, commitment and love who care for all people, this wondrous planet and the natural world? Where is the human being that God talked about, that Jesus spoke of, that Muhammad, Ala, Buddha, and other great individuals of worth mentioned in the writings, texts and gospels? Where are the men who protect, care for, nurture and provide for; the ones who look out for our elders, our women and our children who do not take, abuse, rape, torment or kill for their own self-gratification and gain? What has happened to us?

At this moment in history we stand upon the brink of our own existence. The population of the earth is increasing logarithmically; clean drinking water an issue for many, clean air becoming a thing of the past, polluted water and toxic soil now being used to grow the very food that many consume, including us. How can it be that corporations, presidents and rulers of other countries can rape and pillage this planet; using fear, uncertainty, and propaganda as a way of keeping the masses controlled; ignorant of the truth of their own individual worth and the gifts they bring to this earth? Believe it or not, fear is in control of our people and money the ruling God. If we, as a people truly knew of our own authenticity and our true nature as children of this planet and of the Universe, we would not be serving those who are controlling the many using fear as their sword and staff. Even many of the religions still use fear as their binding agent to control and manipulate the populous.

There is a saying: "Ignorance is bliss." Well, this is not true. Ignorance is stupidity made manifest not bliss. Ignorance is ignorance, plain and simple. It is only through education that we can become enlightened and aware of our own responsibility to ourselves and to each other as family members. If we do not open up our eyes, ears and hearts to the transpirings which bombard us daily we will all end up leaving this earth; even the rich, greedy, selfish, arrogant and self-righteous who wield fear as their weapon of choice.

It is up to us, those individuals who are willing to take a stand against the oppression, the ignorance and the fear that comes across the airwaves and through the media controlling those who have yet to awaken to the plight at hand to awaken and do something. It is time! We must rise up! We must take a stand against the obvious and create a new way of living, of working and of being. It is up to us, the few, the many, to bring to light the knowledge that resides within. It is time to stop and reassess our choices on an individual, communal, societal and national level. It is time to change our education system; to embrace our children's differences and to birth the knowledge they carry and to open up our hearts and eyes to the atrocities taking place around us. We must unite with love as our fuel source; driving change and fueling the birth of freedom from tyranny, oppression, hate, greed, want and lust. We are all children of this planet and we are all responsible for the outcome; an outcome that affirms that if we do nothing, we shall inherit the same…nothing.

Prayer

You are taken care of.
The Universe has you in mind.
Where the sun sets and where the moon rises is your home.

Found the Lock. Now, Where's the Key?

Mark,

I'm probably flooding your e-mail ...
... sorry if I am. :-p

You know, many young people, or just people in general, have their addictions: to marijuana, to cocaine, to alcohol, to nicotine, to food, even to sex. You know, sex, drugs and rock 'n roll, right? Well, I have none of those, which, to many people, comes as a surprise.

"What? You've never smoked pot before? And you lived in Eugene for years?"

Oh so left out. :-D

Well, I have never done any of those things, let alone getting addicted, because I've never found them to be meaningful to me. And purpose and meaning propel me. (It's as if I've been wandering this life trying to find out what I'm here for. I know I'm here on a mission, but I just need to remember what it is ... you know that feeling?)

But before actually feeling comfortable with being "left out," I am starting to wonder if I have a addiction of my own: maybe I am addicted to emotional attachments.

Tonight, I find myself feeling sad and anxious not just for the impending change, but also for my roommate (and his dog!) leaving. Surprisingly, the impending departure brings back so many memories of parting. It's as if this resentment for parting has been imprinted in my mind ever since I was born. Maybe it has to do with watching my parents leave everyday when I was little. Maybe it has to do with parting with my nanny, who took care of me everyday from infancy to age 8 (and then her sister came and replaced her. I was so so so so sad when my nanny had to leave; she had just adopted a baby of her own. So, inevitably, as an 8-year-old who wasn't particularly close to her parents, she wonders why, how, and "what about me?") That was the first of my conscious memory of feeling deep sadness due to parting. Or maybe it has to do with my last (big) break up, where I was forced to move out of my ex boyfriend's house (and his cat), knowing that he just didn't want me there, knowing that, no matter how much I felt for him, there was nothing I could do, and that I would not see him again for a very long time.

All of these instances made me feel alone. Every time. And every time, I had to harden up and pretend to the best of my abilities that I was unaffected. All the pretense for what? Just to cope, I suppose. I believe that's how I've learned to cope with parting ever since I had to watch my mom go to work everyday -- my lack of tears and dismay made her think I didn't care, that I was cold. She was also surprised that I wasn't mopey on my first day of school like everyone else was (the same thing recurred as I started my first day of school in the US - I had to brave it through on my own). The fear, the sadness, the solitude, the occasional/too often question that maybe all of this is happening because there's something wrong with me (and maybe even dismay and anger, too) were hidden inside. But, see, the same thing happens over and over again, like a theme. Granted that people come and go, and maybe I shouldn't take it so seriously, still, I'm not sure how not to take it as seriously as I do.

Maybe that's what I have locked up inside my heart, hurting.

Maybe I was wrong about how strong I am because I have only been putting up a front. Maybe I should be more humble, so that I can listen and learn openly and intently, so that I can realize somehow that I don't have to force myself on a "pedestal" of being "strong" and "unaffected." Maybe I can (somehow ...) let go of whatever that is inside and believe that it's OK not to know what will happen next if I let go.

The trouble is ... I don't feel safe letting go.

Well, I wonder.

Love Always,
Lum Lum

Let Me Teach You How to Treat Me Correctly

"No, don't make communication and personality differences your excuse for taking my presence in your life and my feelings for you for granted.

You know how you are acting? You're acting like you're the king sitting in your throne and treating me like your ward or subject, like you're somehow entitled to it. Regardless of whether this is the image you're trying to project or not, this is how you make me feel, and it's childish. Let me tell you, other than your dog, no one really likes to be treated like that. It's just going to drive people that want to care about you and love you either angry and away, or into depression.

It's time for you to take yourself out of the center of your life drama and be more empathetic to how other people are feeling. Don't be so quick and eager to judge another human being and what goes on between people. There's a lot to be said about the power of reciprocal relationships done with the right people in a balanced way. It'll at least give you a renewed sense of self-worth -- something that's intricately tied to inner-peace and lifelong fulfillment.

I know that by being empathetic and participating in reciprocal relationships, you risk losing and getting hurt -- much like you have before, and I wish that somehow I can undo some of the hurt for you because I care about you a lot. But if you don't do it, you're not giving yourself a chance at gaining something more, something unexpected.

I chose to be there for your when you were going through a tough time. You know, just as well as I know, that I didn't have to be there. It took strength to be there with you, knowing that you would run me to the ground emotionally, being the people that we are. But if I hadn't done it, I wouldn't have the opportunity to be here with you right now and all the times in between since then."

Southern Hospitality

Southern Hospitality

I live with a Southern man who, along the years of past, has been trying to find his place, his worth. He tried to be everything to everyone at one point. Then, he tried to not be anything to anyone but himself. He hoarded material possessions because he believed that to elevate his worthiness and to satisfy his inner-fulfillment. His competitiveness for material gains made him distrusting of others, made him shed friends he once had, believing that they were only there to suck away the money he made by hard work.

But he knew that wasn't it.

That's why he moved westward to Bend, Oregon in search of inner-peace. He isolated himself, made himself the center of his drama, his universe, and shared it with no one else. He made very few friends in Bend; some people he distrusts, some, he feels are not "good enough" for him -- they are either too young or too angry or to materialistic or not spiritual enough. He feels that the only way not to waste his time was to be by himself.

Then, he met this girl. I don't personally know her, but I believe that she must have wanted to be part of his life. She must have wanted him to open his gate to his heart and mind, so that she could understand him, care about him and love him. Despite her own problems -- being in her 20s and all -- she must have tried, but to no avail. She must have become increasingly depressed. Four years, she was with him. Four years, she spent trying to fit in to his world while shaping her own. And finally, she broke.

He feels bad that he got her pregnant and caused her the pain of an abortion during a tough time in her life. He feels guilty. He also reminisces the four years spent with just one particular person so closely and intimately. What he doesn't realize, though, is that he is too enclosed to have felt anything for her that is beyond a friendship based on routine, on familiarity and being accustomed to a presence. What he reminisces is merely comfort in knowing that someone has been there with him for so long. He never trusted her to be "good enough" for him -- and he never trusted himself to let go of his pride, of his fear of putting his self-worth on the line.

During the time of the abortion, he also met another girl. As if by the hand of fate, the two of them met at a friend's doorway. The immediate attraction intrigued him. This girl intrigued him. She was nothing like anyone else he had met -- so level-headed, so mature for her age, so full of life and wisdom beyond her years, so cultured and intelligent, so refreshingly beautiful. She needed help getting settled in Bend, for, she, too, moved away to Bend for peace and exploration. So he invited her to be his roommate.

When she first moved in, they exchanged intellect and worldviews. They exchanged glances. They exchanged frequencies that made them feel close to each other, as if they could understand each other without words. Soon, they shared a bed, and they shared emotional attachments ... but no sooner than the news that his old girlfriend of four years, who moved 7 hours north, was now pregnant with his child.

What does one do at crossroads? What does one do with guilt and sadness?
And what does one do with newfound emotional attachments that are at risk of being torn apart?

He left his roommate and drove 7 hours north to his old girlfriend. He left his lovely roommate, who vowed to be there for him, with remarks of wanting and promises of return -- he left, almost certain that he had been waiting all his life for her. If he is a soldier, she is his princess. And she, after a string of disappointing and heartbreaking relationships, thought he just might be for her.

The abortion proved to be harder than expected. He didn't expect his emotions to react so strongly to the incident. After all, I suppose that 4 years is a long time to be committed to someone. He cried and cried and mourned for his old girlfriend's pain. The abortion seemed more like a death in many ways than the scientific medical procedure promised on the clinic's brochure. The abortion changed him -- and it changed his heart.

When he returned to Bend, all he could remember was the pain and the abortion. The soldier became frail from post-traumatic syndrome, and the princess, to him, became just someone. No, not someone else, but just someone. The two of them soon became nothing else but bedmates. She hoped that the person she first met would return; he ... well, he just didn't know what to hope for but peace and quiet. But she is slowly, but surely, becoming the obstacle between he and his peace and quiet.

He became colder and more like a stranger than when they first met. He told her, "I am not as certain about us as I was before." It knocked her heart and her hopes down an inch. But she tried to be patient -- after all, she realized he was going through rough times. What she did not realize was how these rough times truly affected him -- they put him in emotional solitary confinement, just like everything else in his life had affected him. The idea of bringing pain to others (particularly to someone he cared deeply about) made him question his self-worth once again: what's this life for? He's lost the answer he was once so content with 5 years ago when he moved west.

The day she finally understood what had happened to her soldier, the two of them were fishing for salmon on the river. She finally figured out why she couldn't get to him all this time since he came home: he's so content with being alone, that he has no room for her. In face of a setback, he recoiled and locked her out. She finally realized that she would never become a part of his universe. That hurt her. She felt guilty for allowing herself to dream with him, when he so easily awoke from the dream.

As quickly as the flip of a coin, he changed his mind.
One day, he told her that they don't communicate well, that she's too young, that he needed space, that she is crowding him, that her close proximity is too much for him to handle. He said that he's very independent; even when he had a girlfriend, she was independent, too. He told her that he would be moving in 30 days to the desert east of their residence. She went upstairs and cried silently and alone. For two months, he acted as if he wanted her to be there, as if he wanted her company in bed and on the river, told her that he was getting used to her presence and is liking it, now he made her sound as if she was following him around despite his dislike.

-----------------------------------------

And what do I do?
What do I do when I was a "princess," but now I am left feeling like nothing more than a hired escort, whose services are welcomed on his good days, but then becomes a nuisance on his bad days?
How do I collect my heart like this over and over again?
I don't know. Maybe this is just the way it is ... at least for me.

Come Clean

It made me really sad to hear what you had to say yesterday in the car.

I am sorry to hear that you feel like our line of communication is broken along somewhere.
It may be true that our styles of communication are very different -- even down to our vocabulary -- but the most detrimental thing that makes communication work is patience and openness.
What makes me sad is that along this short way, we have somehow forgotten those things.
I can't help but to wonder if it's not something we're both dealing with inside that we haven't expressed to each other yet.

I am also sorry to hear about the reasons to why you chose to lead your life.
I believe I understand why you choose to be isolated and emotionally enclosed -- perhaps the disappointments with people along the way in past years have a lot to do with it.
A friend once told me a quote: "I want life in every breath to the extent that it's absurd."
We sometimes have these unspoken expectations for the people that we come into contact with that, in all reality, they cannot fulfill. And we often are let down and hurt by these instances.
Some of us become depressed, some, angry, and some in between.
But it's every bit a hard road.
I understand that it hasn't been easy.

Your point about my young age of 25 strikes a chord.
I agree with your comment that I'm young and that there are things that wisdom cannot replace, such as experience.
I'd be foolish to disagree with that.
But I am concerned with how you choose to handle our age difference:
it is obvious that I have much to learn,
but it is unfair that my age would become something of a handicap on my end.
I find it difficult to maintain my position (whatever it may be) when I am being put on a different plane -- a lower plane -- as a "younger" person.
It is very hard for me to grasp why it's so easy for you to sleep with me, but so hard for you to treat me at least with some respect of being equal.
In fact, this is what hurts me: to know that you can sleep with me, no problem, but when it comes to being friends, you just cannot get yourself to do it.
There are many things that happen in life that people of all ages can relate to at least to some extent.
Just because I'm younger doesn't mean I can be easily dismissed;
it also doesn't mean that I don't know any better -- or that I need to know any better.
The point is everyone has their own realities.
Different realities, however, isn't reason good enough for people to turning away from each other.

You know, we're not "fucked" because we started sleeping with each other right at the beginning.
When all things are considered, this has the least bearing on our relationship as people, as roommates, as friends.

In the case that I'm being pushed away, I'd really rather walk away myself.
But I didn't want to leave without tell you all this.

Psychoanalysis

What is it?
At this juncture, is it his problem or is it mine?
We both know that something is amiss, something's changed.
But what exactly is it?
Is it his solitary lifestyle?
Is it my age difference?
Is it our communication differences?
What is it?

Why am I sad?
Am I sad because this "relationship" isn't working out?
Because this reminds me of past pains and disappointments?
Am I sad because I don't understand him?
Am I sad because I feel rejected?
Or is it because I can't make him feel any different (better) about life when he's with me?
Or is it because I've actually grown attached?

Why am I anxious?
Is it because I've come to rely on him these couple of months?
Is it because I don't have a job and another place to live?
Is it because I don't have a mode of transportation on my own?
Is it because it sounds too much like the dire scenario just a year ago?

Why am I angry?
Is it because I feel deceived?
Is it because I feel I've been underestimated and misunderstood?
Is it because I feel that he doesn't care?
Is it because I feel that he is selfish and self-centered?
Is it because I feel small?
Is it because I feel like I've lost the clarity I once had?

What is he thinking? What is he feeling?
I don't know how to ask.

Old Summer

It smells like summer.
That indescribable tingle in the air, mixed with something that belongs to flourishing trees and happy flowers, something that says, "Here I come!" ...
It's the smell of anticipation.

As I sit in my room today, I watch the trees sway gently to the left and to the right, then to the left again. I listen to toy-like cars hum as they drive by. Perfectly squared at the corners like matchboxes, condos stand still as they receive sunbeams. People are talking in the distance in garbled tongue.

I sit, lit up with anxiety about some sort of fascinating finality, with my back as properly straight as possible.

I haven't smelled summer for years. Or at least I haven't actually sat still enough to allow my mind to register it. But I know the sound of an End. I know what that particular awkward silence sounds like -- when you want to say something, but you can't find the courage to say it; when you wish that he would come and show you signs that things are just as they were, but you know your wait is just more time for daydreaming.

How many rehearsals do I need to learn this awkward dance well enough so that I don't have to keep on going through it over and over again?

It's amazing how some disappointments have such a way to bring up old pains.

Thomas

We may not need others to cause our happiness,
but we sure do need each other to share our joys.

Two months ago, I met a man in his late thirties that is intrigued by what I have to say about my life and how I view life in general. He has as sort of strangely blunt sort of force about happiness. Almost argumentatively, he told me that he, for the first time in his life, he was happy. I wonder if he was trying to convince himself ....

After getting to know him better, I am starting to understand what he meant by "happy." He meant that he had never been so content. For the first time, he found a plateau between his extreme ups and downs. Because he cherishes his relative calm, he has closed the doors to which others can gain access to sharing who he is. He has claimed his universe -- his and his alone.

In his life, I, a brief friend of two months, can easily be replaced ... by utter nothingness. Though he likes my company, he prefers the stillness of solitude. He believes that solitude is the only connection that has no strings attached -- quite an oxymoron. As if his universe has too little space, during those times when he doesn't need company, my presence became a nuisance to be ousted, to be done away with.

I suppose there are those that find comfort in being alone. After all, they must have been hurt so bad in the past to become reclusive. I hope that it brings them happiness ... because if isolation doesn't bring them the ultimate "prize," then isn't it too high of a price to pay just to exist?

Marathon for Hope

It's really hard to be this way, to feel finality but cannot do anything about it, cannot adequately express it, and can only compare it to similar feelings I've had before.

It really never gets any easier. No matter how big the heartbreak or how deep the disappointment, it still stings just the same (if not worse). The anxiety of knowing your days are numbered, and you'll need to figure out your next game plan, where to stay, what to do, how to feel better (more than just waiting) ... and, for some, how to pick up where you left off.

And why would I want to subject myself to it over and over again?
Just for the simple hope that things will get better as long as I try.

Marathon for Hope

It's really hard to be this way, to feel finality but cannot do anything about it, cannot adequately express it, and can only compare it to similar feelings I've had before.

It really never gets any easier. No matter how big the heartbreak or how deep the disappointment, it still stings just the same (if not worse). The anxiety of knowing your days are numbered, and you'll need to figure out your next game plan, where to stay, what to do, how to feel better (more than just waiting) ... and, for some, how to pick up where you left off.

And why would I want to subject myself to it over and over again?
Just for the simple hope that things will get better as long as I try.

Small Universe

What's up with me always being with callous guys?
They are either too needy or too happy being alone in their own little universe.
What's the point in participating in something that doesn't have a place for you -- your existence is just auxiliary? None.
Why would I want to be here if I'm not wanted here, let alone needed? No, not that he doesn't want me here -- he would like me to be here, but he just doesn't want me to be here badly enough. That's the difference.

You're too content with being alone.
Granted that maybe people don't need each other to be happy, or whatever that saying goes,
I want to be wanted.
I needed to be needed.
And you ... well, you just don't have the extra room in your universe for me.