All Grown Up

"We're 24, Elaine. We're not kids anymore."

Why do some people try so hard to grow up before they're ready? Some people want to grow up so fast, that it's almost as if they're trying to leave something behind. At 24, we're not young, but we're not old. We're more young than we are old. But why would anyone try to grow up before their time?

Why tell me that I need to grow up when I already understand what grown-ups don't? Why grow up when I still have so much more to absorb at this moment?

As you fly past your moments, what will you have left at the end? Moments you vaguely remember, but not enough to look back on. Nothing to look back, so you keep flying, and the same thing happens over and over again. The cycle of emptiness.

Philosophies are My Scars

Wisdom often comes after we need it, and so we dispense our wisdom to other people, sometimes, hoping to make a difference, an impression. But this is a true testiment to the purpose of life:

After all, I think the meaning of life is to help make meaning out of each other's lives.

To Brian

Your suddenly cold attitude, the wall you built, the mask you wear, the things you do to distance yourself from me ... what are you hiding? What is hurting you?

Still untreated wounds from the last relationship? Your ego? Your childhood? Your losses?

Can you not imagine a life free from such baggages, fears, and walls? Is that why you're trying to grow up so fast, so soon ... before you're ready? Maybe you think growing up will bring you something at least different, if not better? What exactly are you trying so desperately to leave behind?

Did you make up absolutes in your life and extremely logical definitions to find the stability that you don't have inside, to gain control?

Is this why you have a hard time understanding how others feel ... because you fear your own steady, instinctively survival-oriented perception of the world will be shaken, and also because you were brought up like that ... your father is like that?

Do you understand that I was 'unmotivated' because I was troubled? It wasn't because I 'changed' as a person. I've always been the person I am to the core. I just have baggage, like you and everyone else. All I needed was some time, some faith in me, some support to lift me up ... like I wanted and would have given you. I know I have flaws. I'm coarse and unrefined. And there are SO MANY things that I should have done differently, and I was slowly learning and still am learning now. Time. I wish we had more of that.

But were you afraid of my baggage because you fear it would cage you up? You just don't want to be hurt again like you did, do you. You just don't want to give more than you expect to receive, like your last relationship. You're afraid to lose. (But don't you see? With me, it's different. It's always been. My love for you was infinite.)

Did you deny these problems' existence so that you wouldn't have to deal with them ... because you feel safer not to deal with them, and instead you chose to deal with only the complete tangibles of life, like career, bills, music, fixing things, getting drunk, sex? (But the problems are still there, you know.)

I know you're entitled to doing what you feel, but what do you feel? I think you hardly know. Behind all the tangible things in life, what else is there? Perhaps all the things that you don't want to see. Maybe your selfishness is a form of (unnecessary) self-protection.

Whether you admit it or not, or even are conscious of it or not, I know you are struggling with something inside -- and I have at least a hunch of what you're dealing with. I know you ... more than you know.

I know you tried to love me, but considering the circumstance, you really couldn't love me the way you wanted to ... and the way I deserve. I can only let go of you to deal with your problems the way you do.

So go. Fly.

I just hope that you will understand finally how much more wonderful your life could be like if you will actually face life. The goal in our lives really is to become better people, to be who we want to be, to expand our capabilities to make more of a difference. So, who do you want to be? What do you want to mean to others? Just like you wanted to show me the world through your eyes (and even though you didn't know, I learned so much through every little thing you did -- I loved you for it), I wanted to show you the world through mine, too. If you had given me a chance, I could have changed your life.

My pain. The pain you caused me will not fade so easily and so soon. Please don't say that you tried to ease my pain during our last days. You didn't, and you couldn't. But somehow, with my resilience, I will learn to let go and finally forgive even though you don't know to ask for it ... it really is for me and my peace of mind anyway.

But above all, and I wish you could read this and know this (maybe if I think it really really hard, you might be able to hear my thoughts): Despite everything, despite my pain, I hope that you'll finally be happy, just like I will be.

Socks

Love is like finding the other sock in a large pile of laundry.

Words In Motion

I saw on TV the other day about actress Kris Carr's journey through cancer to stability and recovery. Her video diary "Crazy Sexy Cancer" is completely inspirational. The struggle to survive, the heartbreak, the "whys" -- why me, why now, why did I take my health for granted? What powerful things. But the most powerful was her smile. I don't really know if she was putting on a smile to hide something else and/or to keep herself sane -- I know how that is. Regardless, it is proof to how hard she's trying, hoping, and fighting.

Who knows? Maybe I should start a video diary of my own. (Maybe on my new MacBook!!) What would I title it? What about my life should I share? What about me that I can show? Maybe about my transformation now? Would I watch it again? Who's going to care?

I don't know. I think I'm going to just give it a shot.

From SARAHphim’s blog ...

"Addiction to Affliction

Scientists have discovered that scarred cells from cardiac arrest can fall away over time. Related research has shown that some portions of the heart's muscle tissue can actually regenerate after cardiac arrest.

How strangely poetic.

The human heart has the capacity to heal itself; we are made to rebuild."

I'm worried about my brain cells though. I understand that anger and stress accelerate the demise of brain neurons (you know, your smart cells?).

So does that mean the more stressed out you are, the dumber you get?

Blackhole

I just found out that he's already slept with 3 people within a month. It's not just about sleeping with people, it's about how little regard he has for me.

Even though he is not worth anything of mine,
I gave him love and tears, but they made no ripples.

He is a blackhole.

There is nothing left. Maybe there was nothing to begin with.
Nothing.

It is not a jagged pill to be swallowed; it is just nothing.

And how do I swallow nothing?

Filling

I feel like a regular hole-y donut instead of the jelly-filled donut like I was before my love left me behind hollow.

Hollow. What do you fill that in with?

Can't Sturdy Up My Heart Alone

The road is long ahead. But I can't sturdy up my heart alone.

Through all of this time, I've been dealing with old existing problems on my own. It tried counselling (with two counsellors), but it hasn't worked. So all of this time, I've been dealing with it on my own. Results? Not as successful as I would like. I couldn't take into account that while I deal with those old problems, life is still happening, and more problems appear. Soon, I find myself in overload. There is not a way for me to deal with everything at the same time.

I think I need to get counselling for my own sake. I can't deal with it on my own for very much longer. I need some structured help.

Filling

I feel like a regular hole-y donut instead of the jelly-filled donut like I was before my love left me behind hollow.

Hollow. What do you fill that in with?

The One

Dear The One,

It's been hard for me. Where exactly are you? I have been looking for you, searching ... a task that feels like finding a needle in the depths of the ocean. My heart is being eaten away. Your impersonators wear me down. How long will I last? How long will you last -- will you wait for me?

Where are you?

~ Your One and Only

Of Frogs and Men

Seems like men don't change much. From their teenage years to their 20s. Even from their 30s and beyond. There's always an unerasable trace of dominance there exerted through their attitude of "I'm right; you're wrong". I have yet to meet more than just a handful of men that would pause and think about the situation before they pass judgment. Most wouldn't hesitate to sit up even straighter on their moral high horse, which is situated on the moral high ground of nothing less than "How dare you? I know everything; you know nothing! Can't you see that I'm better than you?"

How did we come to bring up men like that in this society? And how did the rest of the population come to tolerate such zealous, ignorant, disrespectful and selfish behavior?

Perhaps, within the confines of the US borders, men here are like small frogs looking up from the bottom of the well into the sky, thinking that the sky is only as big as the mouth of the well and could not imagine the endless horizons that still await them to explore if they dared to come out.

Strangely Appropriate

Numb
Linkin Park

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired
so much more aware I'm becoming this
all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be

Proud to Be ...

A very very long time ago (perhaps two and a half years ago, and I call that a long time because so much has happened since), my good friend, Ashley, who I have been friends with since the 8th grade, sent me an e-mail that, still to this day, I think of often. No, it's not because of how elegant or eloquent the language is, not becuase of how it envoked any sort of pathos in me, but because of the way it reminded me of how I want to live my future.

The 20s aren't easy. This is a period of change, of transformation, of knowledge and growth, of exploration, and of understanding. Through our most tragic times, we emerge as the people that we become -- hopefully the people that we want to become. The decision that we make now will be with us for the rest of our time. They will shape our stories, which I hope will be stories that we will be proud to tell.

In light of this spirit, I would like to share with my friends (you know who you are) and all of you, women AND men, out there, the following. And with this, I send to you all my best wishes.

EVERY WOMAN

A woman should have
enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own even if she never wants to or needs to.

A woman should have
something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour.

A woman should have
a youth she's content to leave behind.

A woman should have
a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age.

A woman should have
a set of screw drivers, cordless drill and a black lace bra.

A woman should have
one friend who always makes her laugh and one who lets her cry.

A woman should have
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family.

A woman should have
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored.

A woman should have
a feeling of control over her destiny.

Every woman should know
how to fall in love without losing herself.

Every woman should know
how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship …

and, of course, how to change a tire.

Every woman should know
when to try harder and when to walk away.

Every woman should know that
she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents.

Every woman should know that
her childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over.

Every woman should know
what she would and wouldn't do for love or more.

Every woman should know
how to live alone, even if she doesn't like it.

Every woman should know
who she can trust, who she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally.

Every woman should know
where to go, be it her best friend's kitchen table, or a charming inn in the woods, when her should needs soothing.

Every woman should know
what she can and can't accomplish in a day, a month and a year.

An Extention of ...

In light of Annie's spirit of listing things that we've learned, here are just a few things I've learned along the way:

I really have grown to learn that things didn't really happen for a reason. Instead, a reason was created from things that happened.

I've learned that destiny/fate/luck/chance/God will only take you so far. The rest, well, they've left up to you to decide.

Be content with things that did happen, but be even more content with the things that didn't happen.

I've learned that if you don't give yourself value and don't value yourself for who you are and who you've decided to become, no one can and most won't even try.

I've learned that when it comes to making choices, I just hope that you will choose the one that means most to you for the rest of your life. If you are lucky, and if you work hard enough, maybe those choices might mean something to someone, too.

I've learned that in the end, I don't want a job that pays millions. I want a job that allows me to mean something to people. I want to live in a place that makes me feel alive, like my stay there is worthwhile.

No matter what -- NO MATTER WHAT -- your true friends and family will always be there for you, even when your world turns upside-downj, even when you're at your worst.

I've also learned that if we allow ourselves to notice, we always amaze ourselves and exceed our own self-expectations.

I've learned that a smile or a friendly gesture can go a long way.

Sometimes, food REALLY makes a difference. When you get down, or grumpy, or worked up, eat something.

I've learned that it's important to get physically fit not just because it makes you look better, but it also makes you smarter. There are people who are mentally smart, but physically stupid. In order to maximize your mental capacity, one must balance out physical capacities as well.

It's corny, but I've come to conclude that sunscreen is extremely beneficial.

Never lose your sense of wonder. It is what empowers you for the rest of your life.

I realize that you just need to take advantage of the time to sleep as much as you can because sleep is not something you can necessarily make up. And of course, the older you get, the less time you have to enjoy sleeping.

Life isn't a race, I've found. There's no "ahead" or "behind". In the end, you've just got to be ready for your journey in order to truly appreciate the experience. In the end, it's just a path with you and you.

Don't regret the conscious choices you've made. There's no right door or wrong door, just simply when one door slams in your face, the other one obviously looks a hella lot better.

Fall standing. Fall in love standing. Trip and fall standing. Make a mistake and fall standing. Learn from your fall. Never forget who you are and who you want to be. Never lose your soul.

But of course, in order to fall in love standing, you've got to just fall in love head over heels a few times first. Then, you'll understand why you have to fall in love standing in your later years. Without falling head over heels, you won't understand and appreciate the need to fall in love standing, I think.

Less is more. Buy less. So that the things you do buy will be quality. Have less. So that the things you do have will be appreciated.
... I know I have more, but it's kinda waaaay past my bed time. I'll add more later.

Pretty True, Too

My friend posted this:

"No one falls in love by choice; it's by chance.
No one stays in love by chance; it's by work.
No one falls out of love by chance; it's by choice."

That's pretty true, too.

Wow, isn't this true!

From Ben Harper's "Forever":

"Forever always seems to be around when things begin.
But forever never seems to be around when things end."

Hmmph ...

My time walking to the MAX station today was spent musing at the peculiar things that only Portland, Oregon can offer.

I had stayed at my friends' house on East Burnside Street. The eastside, as you might already know, is not particularly ... uh, friendly. Lots of rough people, crazies, druggies, etc.. It's the stereotypical wrong part of town. And being a little girl walking 2 blocks down to the train station to take the MAX (I can take it for free because of my work!) is actually kind of dangerous. But I must say, though I would never live along East Burnside by my choosing, I am glad to have lived there because of the opportunity I got to see what it's like ... and a chance to have the most random things happen to me.

Like today, I was walking to the MAX station. On my way, some "gangsta"-looking guy shouted, "You look nice," by the friendly neighborhood corner 7-11, apparently, a regular hangout for "gangstas". I looked away, pretended that I didn't hear, and hurried on ... just to bump into two haggard-looking ladies, one in a fake fur coat, the other in a wheelchair, both smoking cigarettes. They stopped me while I was hurrying away from the "gangsta" and asked, "Could you push me to the end of the street, to that building next to the MAX stop?"

The wheelchaired lady's fake fur-coated friend puffed out a cloud of smoke and said, "I'm sorry, but I'm just tired." Apparently, she had been pushing her unfortunate friend, but the tar in the cigarette has caught up to her. Being the nice person that I am, I said, "Well, OK. But it's gonna be quick coz I'm in a hurry." So off we went.

On our way there, the lady intimately revealed details like, her mother died of alcoholism, though she knows she smokes too much, she only smokes generic, and she had broken her leg in 3 places, which is why she was in the wheelchair, which explains why I was there pushing her in the first place.

Oh, and did I mention that our destination, the beige building next to the MAX station, is a methadone clinic?

We ran across streets and almost sent her launching out of the wheelchair, which certainly would have broken her other leg in 3 places as well.

After a long run, a few heart-stopping traffic scenarios that I am glad impressionable small children were not there to see, we finally reached the building. Meanwhile, the train arrived. Luckily, the train doors seem to have suspended and waited for me. I made it on the train ... barely.

Whew.

Monday Secret

8/20/2007 On the way to work.

From the height of the MAX train, I looked down and saw that the benches at the PGE MAX stop are punctuation-shaped. I felt like I had uncovered a secret. I smiled coyly.

Do It Anyway

DO IT ANYWAY
Written By Mother Teresa

People are often unreasonable,
illogical and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind,
people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful,
you will win some false friends and true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank,
people may cheat you;
Be honest anyway.

What you spend years building,
someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness,
they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today,
people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have,
and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis,
it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

We Believe in This Life

Ultimately, you just have to give yourself value, and you have to value yourself for who you have become because, really, that is the most important mission in your life.

Through these hardships, I have really come to appreciate who I've decided to become. At the core, I've always been the person that I've strived to be: honest, loving, receptive, loyal, dedicated, dare to wonder, dare to be, ... and a host of other things that I identify myself as. Of course, there have been many modifications, but my core values still remain. Maybe I come off as being self-assured, but I'm not arrogant, and I accept that I can change for the better and that there are many things I can do differently.

But now more than any other time in my life, despite all of my insecurities due to perceived insufficiencies, I am truly proud of being who I am.

As for you, when the time calls for you to make a decision, I hope you will choose what means the most to you and that your choices will come to be valuable to others as well.

What I Want

I thought about what I want to do with my life, how I want my life to be ... you know, that question EVERYONE's been asking you?

I actually came up with an answer tonight, and it's rather simple:

Above all else,
I just want to mean something to someone. I want to make a personal impact, a difference to someone. I want to light up someone's life.

I also want to live in a place that makes me feel alive, a place that's vibrant, a place that allows me to meet the kind of people and see and feel the kinds of things that enrich my life, a place that gives my stay some meaning.

There is no trick to it. It really is just that simple.

Mean Most

There is fate, and because there is fate, there are choices. Because there are choices, they create fate. The only hope is that we will make the choices that mean most to us, so that our fate will eventually mean something for the rest of our lives ... and if we're lucky, maybe to others around us as well.

Tired

I feel tired already.

I am tired of trying to fill in a cosmic-sized void he left behind with the positivity that I don't really feel, with just things -- anything -- I can do or should do.

I am tired of trying to hold it all up, holding it all together, when there are so many pieces scattered in a wild open field that is my life.

And all of this, for what?

Nothing much, other than to keep on hoping that things might turn out exceeding my expectations. And then you rise. And then you fall. And then you rise and fall and all over again until your body is tired of playing this game, riding the wave, and gives out, and you die.

That's it. That's all there is to it: you hope until you drop dead.

What else is there? You gamble your life away. You make investments and put yourself out there like chips to the middle of the poker table. No, it is not in hopes that you'd get anything in return, but for someone to match your share, so that, together, you can build something else, something better, something to share. This is an investment of a lifetime.

And now what? With all my losses, I am supposed to be able to feel ok making yet another investment of a lifetime? Yes, I am 24, but that doesn't mean I have infinite energy, an infinite amount of courage and hope.

But after all that being said, I am still going to go to bed and then wake up tomorrow to face the world, to fill my void, to go on with my life.

e-Bomb's Facts of Life

To continue my last blog:

1. I dropped 1.5 pant sizes in just a month (there's no more efficient dieting method than heartbreak, cancer and other forms of disease) .
2. I am either moving in with my parents so that we can build a better relationship or house-sit for my friend from grad school for 4 months (RENT FREE!).
3. My grandmother passed away yesterday. We were very close.
4. I am going to Hong Kong for 11 days in 2 weeks.

My Life Bulletin

Between June 22 and August 6th, I ...

1. got fired from a job and became totally ANGRY and DEPRESSED;
2. was "let go" by my closest ally, my best friend, the man of my dreams and the love of my life (speaking of getting shit-canned, I got shit-canned twice in a month ... BAD);
3. (subsequently) got practically booted from the house I lived in, which obviously made the heartbreak even worse;
4. became a miserable couch surfer;
5. then renewed my relationship with friends and family;
6. got a new job working for the district attorney;
7. got a car;
8. am getting ready to get back to school;
9. am ready to find a new place to live and planning on getting a cat of my own;
10. am getting back into shape;
11. am saving up for a new laptop;
12. am healing and going onward.

Waiting ... Still

By all accounts, Brian was a great guy. I know exactly why I chose him, I knew exactly how hard it was going to be, and, still to this day, I know didn't make a mistake by choosing him. I loved him, I still love him, and I don't regret that. We complemented each other in many ways, and it was obvious that we had great potential.

But what happened was that we both have issues about ourselves that we have to deal with but couldn't deal with them together. I have pre-existing things that I haven't solved, while he still has emotional growth to do. My pre-existing issues smothered him, while his lack of emotional maturity made it hard for me to find support in him.

Through my anger and resentment towards him at the beginning, my frustration with not being able to understand how he could have changed so quickly from being committed to not, the extreme pain I have to endure now, my heartbreak, I still care and love him. I wish nothing but the best for him. I have given him nothing but the best: my unconditional love. I don't feel that I'm too rash in saying that.

I truly hope that we can one day come to form a better friendship than we ever did when we were together. See, there are SO many things about me that I never did tell him because I was waiting for him to be ready, to be more open-minded, and to be willing to listen. I was trying to adjust my life to the relationship, and I was being patient with him.

And today, I am still going to be patient ... I still want him to know me. He has been such a part of me, and he always will. That's why it's important for me to wait for that day to arrive. And in some critical manner, I think it'll help him, too, to understand everything -- including himself.

So here I am. And I'll be waiting.

Wheel-Treading

Everyday, I wake up feeling awful. I go through my day feeling awful. I go to bed feeling awful. And then the same thing over and over again.

What's the point? I guess if I'm more optimistic, I'd say I'm in pain not for what I did, but for what I will be.

But I want to be what I will be with that person I love. He wasn't perfect, but I was patient with his flaws. How could I be foresaken like that? How could something that started with so much meaning end up devoid of everything? Nothing left. Nothing but that awful sick feeling I go through everyday over and over again.

Aches and Drowning

My heart aches every morning and night and every other moment in between ...
... for you and because of you.

How do you do that? How do you do that thing where you just get up and leave, just tear my beating heart into a million shreds, just wipe away beautiful memories like marks on a white board and replace them with ugly mistakes?

All because you aren't feeling glittery anymore? All the glitter in the world fades into something else; they never stay. You say there is no pleasure without pain, but you don't really believe that. Look, at us.

I went from the most important person in your life to nothing ... utter nothingness. You pushed and I sank. Drowning in a sea of pain. I watched your face blur through the water. Your outline started to blend with the tears in my eyes. The violent air bubbles and gushing waves swept me and swallowed me. I strained to turn around to find that you have disappeared. You have left me to drown.

The sinking to the bottom of the sea is a long lonely journey in the dark, with my heart aching every morning and night, and every other moment in between.

Recount (to be continued)

I have never truly imagined living without him ever since we came together. I have always thought that we've "become one" -- that's one of those things he'd say. At first, I was skeptical -- not to say that I wasn't devoted or I didn't love him; the opposite was true. I had to be skeptical ... just to make sure.

When I moved in, I had a long adjustment period. I missed living on my own, for before moving in, I had been alone for a year and a half or so, so moving in was hard. I still remember the moment I made the decision. It came right after hearing him say this: "I feel like I've jumped in, when you only have one foot in the water." I stopped resisting then. I still don't regret that decision because, I felt like it was my turn to step up to the plate.

Making a completely foreign place my own really wasn't easy. He tried to include me in the house, I understand. He would tell me that everything he owns was mine also ... unless I leave him, that is. His house was my house. His cat was my cat. For months, I was torn between his and mine, however. I didn't buy any of this. And no matter how hard he tried, at the core, everything was still his because Brian's just like that -- he takes pride in working and earning, and once he earned it, it's hard for him to share. But a recurring theme for me was that I understood how vulnerable my position was. No, this isn't a game, nor is this war. But I was in the position where, at the very whim of his mind, I would have lost everything -- the very little that I had to begin with. That was the dynamics that I wasn't comfortable with. Furthermore, I had no money to pay rent. Rent and utilities were expensive there to begin with, besides, I was still in school and I was in financial crisis. Yes, he practically rescued me -- which, of course, apart from guilt, further reinforced the relationship dynamics and why I was uncomfortable with the position I was in. I felt that I had a hard time belonging. Sometimes, my discomfort with the dynamics would ride on my hormones or low blood sugar or some smaller issue and blow up into much larger proportions.

I think the turning point for me came during the week of Valentine's Day, from Wednesday to Saturday. Something, maybe a picture or a comment or a text message or memories of a recent health emergency, prompted me to feel absolutely rotten about things between him and his ex-girlfriend. After venting to a couple of girl friends of mine, they eventually persuaded me that him and I are over, that there is very little hope for the relationship. They had their point, don't get me wrong. But being the one in love and in the relationship, I stood up and stuck with him. That was a hellish week. I think that was a cumulation of the stress of not belonging, of school, of my built-in insecurities, of my loss of direction (because of pre-existing issues as well as my efforts of trying to readjust myself to this new and very serious relationship), that's why I blew up. The miracle for me happened after all of this. This awful episode actually made me feel more solid than ever. I felt like if we could make it through something like that, we can definitely last a lot longer and better. I think from then on, I felt like I fit in a little more.

March was tumultuous in sorts. I had decided to take a break from school, and that break started in March. I had to take a break because of my pre-existing issues which affected my student aid, which in turn affected my eligibility to stay in the program. Besides, I really felt lost. Since July, I've been trying to readjust myself to fit into this life with him -- which is great ... I think no matter how alike and aligned two people are, there will still be adjustments and readjustments involved. Besides, I really had a hard time trying to move on from my past issues, that I needed time alone. If I didn't take that time, I never would have because after graduation comes job (at least job hunt). Always.

It was really hard making him understand why I had to take time off. It was even harder to make him believe that I wasn't always going to stay miserable and not finish up with school and not be the person I've always wanted to be. It was nearly impossible to get him to open his mind and give me patience to understand what was really bothering me. It was to the point where I decided not to bother him with it.

My decision to take a break was grudgingly accepted because he couldn't do anything about it but to tolerate it.

I finally found a job at the end of March. I had mixed feelings, and LOTS of it. I felt really ashamed of myself for one to be working as a receptionist. I also felt really guilty for taking a break because he really was against it. However, I felt glad in the sense that I will be contributing to the household. It's a romantic idea ... to create a home with someone. That's how I felt.

The job sucked. And I complained a lot to him. And he tried to listen and understand. He tried to be patient with me. Despite the pains, my most favorite thing was to lay in bed and fall asleep with him at night, wake up with him next to me (no matter how grumpy he would be or how stressful I felt). He would always make my lunch, a sweet thing to do, but I always felt guilty. Coming home was always a treat ... to call him at the end of the day to tell him I'm done, I'm coming home. Even though he wouldn't be very responsive, I was still happy to hear his voice.

Hindsight is Too Late

Destiny can only take you so far. The rest is yours ... your choices, your effort, your will. What was meant to be will become not meant to be if it wasn't fueled by your spirit.

Private Stuff

I mean well, so please read this.

It's kinda late, but I can't really sleep. By all realistic standards, I probably shouldn't even be writing you for my sanity's sake -- I'm not done hurting yet, and I probably won't for a very very long time.

But really, I just want to tell you what I think, and I really hope that one day, you'll come to open your mind and your heart about my ideas and my way of thinking.

First of all, I really want to tell you: today, I found myself feeling terrible for all the times that I must have hurt you during our relationship and lately with the break up. There's no true excuse for hurting someone I love.

I AM SORRY, BRIAN.

And ... I thought about what went wrong -- what happened and WHY. It's too easy and convenient to blow it off "it's not supposed to be this hard" or "it just didn't work" or "you/I just didn't try hard enough". I think for our own sake, we should be wondering why it didn't work if we indeed loved each other so much.

I wonder maybe it's because we had such great but unplanned expectations for each other and the relationship -- I noticed that we never seriously made realistic and open-minded assessments of how we wanted to put our lives together. We never took the time for a serious conversation about all that, and we just assumed many things. The differences between our lives and personalities is one thing, but not having understood each other's stand point, not having done any detailed planning or in-depth talking definitely made things go downhill. Despite of what we know about ourselves and each other, we weren't exactly successful with working with each other because, while we went with our instincts, we didn't do the "homework", so to speak. I think that's why things turned out to disappoint.

I really wish that we had more opportunities to think and work at the relationship instead of a complete end (it could have been a break or a different alternative) -- I thought the relationship mattered that much. I wish that you had given me some sort of a sign ... just something ... when you started seeing red flags and wanted to end the relationship. Instead of getting angry or frustrated at my problems, I wish that we could have had a sit-down talk where I could have told you everything about me and what brought me here to make you see the whole picture. That really could have helped a lot more than just 100 "I love yous" a day or making love or any scrapbook or dates. But of course, I am also assuming that the relationship was actually worth that much to you in the first place, along with your career and everything else -- I wish that I could have known how far away from the top of your list I was, so that I could have invested my emotions differently ... because I was really truly ready to spend the rest of my life with you, just like we had talked about. That's why I got so devastated.

No, please don't take me wrong. I'm not trying to "get back together" or persuade you in any direction other than to calmly tell you what I think and HOPE that you'll receive it with an open-mind. I really hope that you will give it some thought -- we owe it to ourselves to think about what had happened during the past year we spent together and grow from there. Maybe after some in-depth thought and some growing up, you can share with me what you think.

Even though we're not MySpace friends, you can still e-mail me or message me here.

Until next time, please take care.

~ Shorty

Nothing

"There is nothing to understand"?

It started with so much meaning, but it ended with none. How can that be?

Great Expectations

I had a bad day today, and I can barely sleep even though I'm tired.

I wish things were different. I'm sure that along the way, and through our parting, I've hurt him. Today, I started to feel sorry for that. Through everything, I would never want to hurt the one I love, regardless of the situation. I know things could have been handled differently. I know that I must have contributed to us being in this situation now. For that I am so so sorry ... for us.

Today, I also realized that we never really talked about or gave much realistic thought into how our two lives should mesh together. We never talked about my quest to finding my "mission in life". We never talked about how this would affect his life and our life together. We never talked about how his life will affect mine. We just sort of assumed that it would work. I assumed that I would go wherever he goes. I assumed that he would tolerate and support my "quest" (but that's not to say I would stay forever "directionless"; if you know me at all, you'd know that I've never been truly unmotivated even at my worst). I assumed that everything will be fine if I would just be patient and not give up -- I slowly learned that through the fights and disagreements we've had. I assumed that he has more patience than he does. I assumed that he wants this relationship more than he actually does. I also assumed that he is on board with what a relationship means, like commitment, love, and also maturity -- I thought he knew more about himself than he actually does. In reality, he's just self-assured.

Meanwhile, I think he assumed that I already have a direction. He assumed that this masters student has already got it all together. He assumed that I've reached a "steady point" where he wouldn't have to deal with my growing pains. He also assumed that he's reached that steady point himself, therefore, he also assumed that I was lucky enough not to have to deal with his growing pains, while he did all the compromising with my troubles, which seems to have made him resentful of me. In other words, we didn't make accurate assessments of ourselves and each other.

No wonder why I was such a let-down to him, and no wonder why he was such a disappointment to me when we broke up. I wish I had another chance. I would have done things differently. But he is so far gone now ... I just wish he'd know everything I have in mind.

Tonight, I feel so alone.

Private Stuff

I mean well, so please read this.

It's kinda late, but I can't really sleep. By all realistic standards, I probably shouldn't even be writing you for my sanity's sake -- I'm not done hurting yet, and I probably won't for a very very long time.

But really, I just want to tell you what I think, and I really hope that one day, you'll come to open your mind and your heart about my ideas and my way of thinking.

First of all, I really want to tell you: today, I found myself feeling terrible for all the times that I must have hurt you during our relationship and lately with the break up. There's no true excuse for hurting someone I love.

I AM SORRY, BRIAN.

And ... I thought about what went wrong -- what happened and WHY. It's too easy and convenient to blow it off "it's not supposed to be this hard" or "it just didn't work" or "you/I just didn't try hard enough". I think for our own sake, we should be wondering why it didn't work if we indeed loved each other so much.

I wonder maybe it's because we had such great but unplanned expectations for each other and the relationship -- I noticed that we never seriously made realistic and open-minded assessments of how we wanted to put our lives together. We never took the time for a serious conversation about all that, and we just assumed many things. The differences between our lives and personalities is one thing, but not having understood each other's stand point, not having done any detailed planning or in-depth talking definitely made things go downhill. Despite of what we know about ourselves and each other, we weren't exactly successful with working with each other because, while we went with our instincts, we didn't do the "homework", so to speak. I think that's why things turned out to disappoint.

I really wish that we had more opportunities to think and work at the relationship instead of a complete end (it could have been a break or a different alternative) -- I thought the relationship mattered that much. I wish that you had given me some sort of a sign ... just something ... when you started seeing red flags and wanted to end the relationship. Instead of getting angry or frustrated at my problems, I wish that we could have had a sit-down talk where I could have told you everything about me and what brought me here to make you see the whole picture. That really could have helped a lot more than just 100 "I love yous" a day or making love or any scrapbook or dates. But of course, I am also assuming that the relationship was actually worth that much to you in the first place, along with your career and everything else -- I wish that I could have known how far away from the top of your list I was, so that I could have invested my emotions differently ... because I was really truly ready to spend the rest of my life with you, just like we had talked about. That's why I got so devastated.

No, please don't take me wrong. I'm not trying to "get back together" or persuade you in any direction other than to calmly tell you what I think and HOPE that you'll receive it with an open-mind. I really hope that you will give it some thought -- we owe it to ourselves to think about what had happened during the past year we spent together and grow from there. Maybe after some in-depth thought and some growing up, you can share with me what you think.

Even though we're not MySpace friends, you can still e-mail me or message me here.

Until next time, please take care.

~ Shorty

U-y

The 20s, I realize, suck. Departing teenage is like flipping a U-y to Crapville at 120mph.

I've only been a 20-something for 3.5 years, and it's already sucking. And I still have 6.5 years to go.

Of course, it was never supposed to be easy, but why does it feel so impossible? What happened to the "glam"? The fun adventures? ... And I don't mean the sad and depressing ones that the lottery of life decided I should win.

Daaaaaaaah!!!!

What's this life all about? I am not so sure it can be embodied by just one sentence. What I do know is that time was never money and never will be. And maybe life is just a series of mustering up your courage to face each day.

But then again, I'm not so sure.