Recount (to be continued)

I have never truly imagined living without him ever since we came together. I have always thought that we've "become one" -- that's one of those things he'd say. At first, I was skeptical -- not to say that I wasn't devoted or I didn't love him; the opposite was true. I had to be skeptical ... just to make sure.

When I moved in, I had a long adjustment period. I missed living on my own, for before moving in, I had been alone for a year and a half or so, so moving in was hard. I still remember the moment I made the decision. It came right after hearing him say this: "I feel like I've jumped in, when you only have one foot in the water." I stopped resisting then. I still don't regret that decision because, I felt like it was my turn to step up to the plate.

Making a completely foreign place my own really wasn't easy. He tried to include me in the house, I understand. He would tell me that everything he owns was mine also ... unless I leave him, that is. His house was my house. His cat was my cat. For months, I was torn between his and mine, however. I didn't buy any of this. And no matter how hard he tried, at the core, everything was still his because Brian's just like that -- he takes pride in working and earning, and once he earned it, it's hard for him to share. But a recurring theme for me was that I understood how vulnerable my position was. No, this isn't a game, nor is this war. But I was in the position where, at the very whim of his mind, I would have lost everything -- the very little that I had to begin with. That was the dynamics that I wasn't comfortable with. Furthermore, I had no money to pay rent. Rent and utilities were expensive there to begin with, besides, I was still in school and I was in financial crisis. Yes, he practically rescued me -- which, of course, apart from guilt, further reinforced the relationship dynamics and why I was uncomfortable with the position I was in. I felt that I had a hard time belonging. Sometimes, my discomfort with the dynamics would ride on my hormones or low blood sugar or some smaller issue and blow up into much larger proportions.

I think the turning point for me came during the week of Valentine's Day, from Wednesday to Saturday. Something, maybe a picture or a comment or a text message or memories of a recent health emergency, prompted me to feel absolutely rotten about things between him and his ex-girlfriend. After venting to a couple of girl friends of mine, they eventually persuaded me that him and I are over, that there is very little hope for the relationship. They had their point, don't get me wrong. But being the one in love and in the relationship, I stood up and stuck with him. That was a hellish week. I think that was a cumulation of the stress of not belonging, of school, of my built-in insecurities, of my loss of direction (because of pre-existing issues as well as my efforts of trying to readjust myself to this new and very serious relationship), that's why I blew up. The miracle for me happened after all of this. This awful episode actually made me feel more solid than ever. I felt like if we could make it through something like that, we can definitely last a lot longer and better. I think from then on, I felt like I fit in a little more.

March was tumultuous in sorts. I had decided to take a break from school, and that break started in March. I had to take a break because of my pre-existing issues which affected my student aid, which in turn affected my eligibility to stay in the program. Besides, I really felt lost. Since July, I've been trying to readjust myself to fit into this life with him -- which is great ... I think no matter how alike and aligned two people are, there will still be adjustments and readjustments involved. Besides, I really had a hard time trying to move on from my past issues, that I needed time alone. If I didn't take that time, I never would have because after graduation comes job (at least job hunt). Always.

It was really hard making him understand why I had to take time off. It was even harder to make him believe that I wasn't always going to stay miserable and not finish up with school and not be the person I've always wanted to be. It was nearly impossible to get him to open his mind and give me patience to understand what was really bothering me. It was to the point where I decided not to bother him with it.

My decision to take a break was grudgingly accepted because he couldn't do anything about it but to tolerate it.

I finally found a job at the end of March. I had mixed feelings, and LOTS of it. I felt really ashamed of myself for one to be working as a receptionist. I also felt really guilty for taking a break because he really was against it. However, I felt glad in the sense that I will be contributing to the household. It's a romantic idea ... to create a home with someone. That's how I felt.

The job sucked. And I complained a lot to him. And he tried to listen and understand. He tried to be patient with me. Despite the pains, my most favorite thing was to lay in bed and fall asleep with him at night, wake up with him next to me (no matter how grumpy he would be or how stressful I felt). He would always make my lunch, a sweet thing to do, but I always felt guilty. Coming home was always a treat ... to call him at the end of the day to tell him I'm done, I'm coming home. Even though he wouldn't be very responsive, I was still happy to hear his voice.