Tired

I feel tired already.

I am tired of trying to fill in a cosmic-sized void he left behind with the positivity that I don't really feel, with just things -- anything -- I can do or should do.

I am tired of trying to hold it all up, holding it all together, when there are so many pieces scattered in a wild open field that is my life.

And all of this, for what?

Nothing much, other than to keep on hoping that things might turn out exceeding my expectations. And then you rise. And then you fall. And then you rise and fall and all over again until your body is tired of playing this game, riding the wave, and gives out, and you die.

That's it. That's all there is to it: you hope until you drop dead.

What else is there? You gamble your life away. You make investments and put yourself out there like chips to the middle of the poker table. No, it is not in hopes that you'd get anything in return, but for someone to match your share, so that, together, you can build something else, something better, something to share. This is an investment of a lifetime.

And now what? With all my losses, I am supposed to be able to feel ok making yet another investment of a lifetime? Yes, I am 24, but that doesn't mean I have infinite energy, an infinite amount of courage and hope.

But after all that being said, I am still going to go to bed and then wake up tomorrow to face the world, to fill my void, to go on with my life.