Great Expectations

I had a bad day today, and I can barely sleep even though I'm tired.

I wish things were different. I'm sure that along the way, and through our parting, I've hurt him. Today, I started to feel sorry for that. Through everything, I would never want to hurt the one I love, regardless of the situation. I know things could have been handled differently. I know that I must have contributed to us being in this situation now. For that I am so so sorry ... for us.

Today, I also realized that we never really talked about or gave much realistic thought into how our two lives should mesh together. We never talked about my quest to finding my "mission in life". We never talked about how this would affect his life and our life together. We never talked about how his life will affect mine. We just sort of assumed that it would work. I assumed that I would go wherever he goes. I assumed that he would tolerate and support my "quest" (but that's not to say I would stay forever "directionless"; if you know me at all, you'd know that I've never been truly unmotivated even at my worst). I assumed that everything will be fine if I would just be patient and not give up -- I slowly learned that through the fights and disagreements we've had. I assumed that he has more patience than he does. I assumed that he wants this relationship more than he actually does. I also assumed that he is on board with what a relationship means, like commitment, love, and also maturity -- I thought he knew more about himself than he actually does. In reality, he's just self-assured.

Meanwhile, I think he assumed that I already have a direction. He assumed that this masters student has already got it all together. He assumed that I've reached a "steady point" where he wouldn't have to deal with my growing pains. He also assumed that he's reached that steady point himself, therefore, he also assumed that I was lucky enough not to have to deal with his growing pains, while he did all the compromising with my troubles, which seems to have made him resentful of me. In other words, we didn't make accurate assessments of ourselves and each other.

No wonder why I was such a let-down to him, and no wonder why he was such a disappointment to me when we broke up. I wish I had another chance. I would have done things differently. But he is so far gone now ... I just wish he'd know everything I have in mind.

Tonight, I feel so alone.