On the Inside

Every once in a while, I kinda get frustrated with myself for being so ... wimpy. Yes, I'm kinda chicken-shit. I get frustrated with the fact that I can't be more courageous, that I don't believe in myself enough, that I can't let go and let things be. But then again, after living in fear for so long -- through college and some -- it's hard to expect that much from myself so fast.

There are wounds that just take way longer to heal. There are ghosts that keep haunting. And there are inner-demons that take so much more to conquer.

It is a constant battle I fight with myself. Yes, I can move on and take care of myself on my own with or without anyone. No, I'm so tired of fighting and having to fend for myself; I want to trust someone enough to take care of me. On certain days, it just feels like the struggle will go on forever. And sometimes, I prefer to deal with things alone because, well, I just don't want to dump it on anyone. I don't want to be a burden. And ... I'm just afraid to open up and be let down and hurt when people leave the moment they realize that this isn't the part about me that they wanted to know. I don't wanna have to pay for being honest and trusting. I already had to pay too much.

Every now and then, just when I think I'm ok, I would wake up in a panic in tears from a deep sleep. Just when I think I'm untouchable, ghosts of the past would graze me by and leave me shuddering for days. Just when I think I'm moving along in life, some invisible power would suck me back to the place from which I ran away. Just when I think I've managed to leave my baggages behind and have forgotten about it because it's so distant, it simply reappears out of nowhere.

If you're really lucky, you might have someone you love wake you from your nightmare and tell you that you're loved and that everything is ok because you're not alone.

But you know, ...

... even if nothing is for real and nothing is sincere, even if you think nothing and no one can help you heal, I guess just hearing those words can make you feel better, especially when you least expect it from anyone, when you, alone, are trapped in your own fears.

So ... thanks. Thanks so much, Brian, for being there when I woke up shaken.