Things to know

As I find myself at a start of a relationship (the first one that I consciously made the decision to enter with a CLEAR mind), I think it's time for me to set some ground rules for myself -- expectations, per se. I don't want to screw it up.

I never did that for myself in the past ... mainly because I didn't have the consciousness to do that ... I was young and stupid ... um, or emotional disturbed would be another way of saying it.

I like the fact that I know much more about myself than I used to. I have learned how to make myself happy, built for myself a solid "core" of friends and family for support, understand myself a lot more for the past and the present in order to build a better future. As a whole, I'm a much better person, and way more equipped to go on with life. I think I've written enough about that sappy ole stuff in my older blogs, so I'm just gonna stop right here. haha. Interested in knowing more? Read.

If Brian's reading this, great! You now know me better. But this list is mostly for me to identify for myself what I am and am not in a practical way. Usually, I'd just keep it to myself, but since you asked to be put on my private blog list, here it is.

Anyway ...

Some things to know about me:

1. I'm honest: I'm not going to fuck with anyone's mind and heart. I'm not going to screw anyone over. If there's something to know, you'll hear it from me. I am someone who wears her heart on her sleeves, despite many people's kind advice for me NOT to. If it ends up getting trampled over, then I guess that's the price I have to pay to be upfront. Regardless, I'm standing by what I believe is a good policy.

2. I don't pry: If you want me to know something, I expect you to tell me. If you don't tell me, I will give you the right to privacy. I'd only ask if I'm dying to know. Another thing is that I am not going to go through your stuff just because I'm either curious or I want to find out about your secrets, or whatever. If we trust each other enough, I'd know about it. No point in drilling for it. I've had that done to me many times, and I didn't appreciate it. You will get none of that from me; see, I am ethical.

3. I don't invade: I am not one of those who moves her belongings into her someone else's house to "mark her territory". I would only have stuff there that I really need.

4. I don't hold grudges: If I am pissed about something, I'll make sure you know what's going on in a respectful manner. I don't want to hold it in and then treat you differently, and make you wonder what's going on. It's either I hold it in and NOT treat you differently, or I let you know about it. And after we decide that the situation is over, it's over ... forever.

5. I don't free-load: In short, I don't expect anyone to do absolutely everything for me. It's nice to be treated sometimes, but I like things to be reciprocal. I'd always want to return the favor because I respect you enough to do that.

6. I'm not clingy/needy: I can hold my own. I can do things on my own. I don't always have to be taken care of and see someone EVERY SINGLE DAY. Being in a relationship, I think, isn't about fusing two lives together completely; it's about the commitment to compliment two different lives to make them better. Some girls are phobic about the boyfriend hanging out with his girl friends, and some guys are freaked out when the girlfriend hangs out with her guy friends. Well, I don't usually get like that unless I have a good reason to. When I'm in a relationship, I trust the person I'm with enough to let go.

7. I am "all in": You know, in a relationship, there really is no in-between. You're either in it aiming for the long haul, or you are just wasting your time. If I'm not in it for the long run, then I'd just call it a "hang out," as in, "Yeah, I've just been hanging out with so-and-so. No, nothing dramatic, and definitely no commitment." So when I decide to make a long-term investment, I throw it all in there. One can expect that I will do anything I can to care for and defend this person to the very end. If in the end, I'm wrong, ... well, I guess that's the price I have to pay, isn't it? I guess that's why I don't get into relationships very easily (it's been what? almost 2 years for me?). I don't let guys in so easily. Lately, I would all of a sudden realize that I'm in the position of WANTING to make (and have made) a commitment to be with someone, to trust him and to let him in. Because I have had some pretty bad experiences in the past, and all this is so new to me, I get kinda freaked out. I get scared. I guess I need more reassurance than I thought, but I've been trying hard to help myself through. Yeah, I'm weird like that. Bad experiences. Period.

... Um, if there's more, I'll be sure to add to the list.