Revisit

I actually got to reading some of my older posts. Here's a good one that I wrote back in late March, and I'd like to share with you guys again. I am just so amazed that I have come so far. Many thanks to all those who have helped me through life.

Up That Hill

I read a friend's blog and this is my response to it. Something about reading what she wrote compelled me to write, too. So the following is basically my time here in Hong Kong summed up in 3 paragraphs.
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Half way around the world, moments like this come before work and after work for me when I was at my job in Hong Kong. My mood was strung onto each tune, and the melodies would take me far far away. Sometimes, to places where I have never been, sometimes, to places I am all too familiar, sometimes, to places that I could have gone, but never will, and at other times, to places that I will never return to. I would often look out the train window on the way home, and out of the corner of my eye, I would watch the reflection of my face change to the neon and chrome outside and each song I hear. I would think to myself, "So, is this it? This is life? If it is, then I screwed it up real bad." On the bad days, I would think to myself, I wouldn't care if I fell off the cliff. I wouldn't care if I died.

I would have to walk up a hill to get home each night. I loved walking up that hill at 11pm when no one was around, just me and the orange street lamps, with the road obsured by the midnight mist, the only time I would have to take a look at myself. And I would just stand there, while the silence washed all the memories to my eyes and spill, everything I had tucked away when I escaped by running half way around the world to stand here and be honest with myself: What do I want to do with my life? When am I actually going to start loving myself instead of looking for someone else to love me and make up for what I wouldn't do for myself? (yeah, and all the while, I wonder why I've got all these boy problems, huh?) When am I going to start coming out of the shadow that once was misfortune, but is now just an excuse for being scared?

I think I'm much better now. Turning 23 last week just made me think about moving onward. I have something to look forward to. I have friends, I have my family, I have lots to do in my life ... if I care about myself enough to do it. And I know being around people who are supportive and care about me will help me recover -- us living together will definitely help, not just me, but hopefully you, too. I don't think I ever completely recovered from everything since the beginning of college. I don't think people truly recover; it's just a matter of how we cope after we get so hurt. I think things were just a downward spiral since freshman year (you remember). It's been a long way to fall, and a longer way to climb back up, but ultimately, I'll get there.

Yeah, we've known each other for over 10 years, dear. We're old, and I'm glad we're still friends. It's corny and all, but I look forward to many more years of friendship to come.

Elaine