Letter to the Wilderness

Mark,

Thank you for introducing me to a different perspective. The Native American ideas you studied and believe are fascinating to me ... and I only know just an inkling. I eventually warmed up to the idea of having the penguin spirit and dolphin spirit. After some research, I found that I can identify greatly with these animals ... well, short of the swimming part. I don't know if I can swim anymore (weird? yeah, I know). I wonder if I have forgotten, even though people say one cannot forget how to swim. But then again, I haven't had the courage to try again. Who knows? Maybe this is a reflection of how this fish (me) hasn't found her "water" yet, which is causing her discomfort and discontent. I also feel like the dolphin/penguin and panther in me are intersecting. From this perspective, it shows that I'm in transition. So now that I have a few animals to work with, what now? I want to know how I can tell them that I know them now and how I can work with them.



To tell you the truth, silly ole me "wanted" to be something "cooler," something like a hawk or dragon or whatever ... if you catch my drift. It is all because I want to be something ELSE, something I imagine is better, and it's all because of what I told you the other day: even though I like parts of who I am, overall, I am uncomfortable with who I am, and I don't understand who I am. I feel that I've been underestimating myself ... and you know what? It's because I haven't given myself a chance.

The thing is, just because my parents never could give themselves a chance doesn't mean that I should not give myself a chance. The shoes they wear are different than mine. And if I feel that my shoes are uncomfortable on my feet, maybe it's because I need to walk in different terrain and need to find myself a set of gel insert for my shoes for added support!

Dude, my shoes are great, and they deserve my love.

Something interesting happened today. I got home, felt in need of a nap (the back adjustment you did for me made me very tired!), so I slept for a little time. Around 6:20 or 6:30pm, I opened my eyes, thinking, "Oh, time to get up. It's almost dinner time." My mind peacefully wandered for a short while. Then, suddenly, my heart (the spot where you laid your hand when we were talking about what I have locked up in there) started to feel anxiety. No, not anywhere else in my body BUT that spot. It lasted for perhaps 20 seconds. I looked around the room, up at the ceiling, and wondered: What the ...??! My mind raced to figure out what the cause was, but I couldn't think of anything ... not even the job hunt (job hunt anxiety feels different).

About 40 minutes later, Nora and I met online (you know, instant messenger?). To come to find out, around the same time I felt that surge of anxiety, Nora was also feeling anxiety as well because Liam had said something to her that made her feel bad/sad. Maybe I felt Nora's ... uh, "energy/feelings/whatever?"

I wonder what this is all about. Just so weird.

Have you felt that way before? I can only imagine you have. Or ... ok, this is weird, but here's a scenario: Does your heart literally, physically HURT when you are sad? My heart -- at or around the same spot I felt "Nora's anxiety" -- seriously HURTS when I am sad. When I told my college boyfriend, who made me sad one time, he had no idea what I was talking about. It gave me the feeling that most other people's chests don't actually hurt like mine does when they are sad. The thought of a heart condition has crossed my mind many times. I want to find out if that happens to other people. haha! Who knows? Maybe I'm a "special psychic weirdo."

I remember something else that's "weird," too. I thought an invisible person was in my room one time and was trying to tell me something. (yes, I did just say that.) Well, (if I am not just completely out of my mind) that person was trying to tell me the truth (I think s/he was tired of seeing me moping around - haha!). It was weird, but I appreciate it. OH! And I remember, when I was a sophomore in high school, I could locate the presence of people that I really want to see. For example, the boy that I had a huge crush on back then didn't go to my school. But when he comes to campus to visit unannounced, I would be able to "feel" his (what's the word??) aura. It was interesting. But I haven't been able to do it/haven't done it since then. Now, IF all that was real and wasn't just my own imagination, then I suspect the reason why I haven't been able to, uh, have invisible friends and to feel and locate people's aura is that I've been 1) using my brain (you know, SATs, school, college, grad school ... everything trained me to rely my brain really well!) and 2) I'm scared of it - yes, SCARED of it (I mean, seriously, how are you supposed to cope with it other than to dismiss it as hallucinations?). I don't even like looking into mirrors at night for fear of something unexpected ... and of course, it's just a stupid mirror!! I'm so weird! But if it's not just my imagination, then I think something I don't understand is at work. Please let me know if you understand it.

Anyway, I am curious to get to know you. I told Nora one time that you are interest and, frankly, you intrigue me. I told her that there is so much about you -- you are a person with depth. But that's doesn't quite describe it. See, you are among the first and few that gave me the feeling of a deep, dark blue sea -- I literally FEEL it. Does it make sense to you? I also told her that I believe you know something about me that I don't know but have been wanting to know. The strange thing is I have met you before in my "collage dream". But now that I met you, that dream is fading away from my memory. Maybe the dream thinks that it's served its purpose? I can't wait to tell you about me, too. I think you will get a kick out of my stories. :)

I wrote so much. There is no guarantee that you'll know what I mean, but I have a feeling that you will ... if you ever read this. Maybe I'll read it to you over the phone one day.

OK. Thank you for everything, Mark.

Lum Lum