Well, I know.

Feb 5, 2008 11:10 PM

I know I seem like a hypocrite to you, that I pretty much asked you not to approach me in any shape or form, but then I go and look on your profile.
Why would I do such a thing? Why would I? I kept asking myself that.

It's because I've been having a tough time letting go of memories of you. It's not easy to phase out something I once considered an extension of myself -- you and my love for you are that extension of me. Yes, when I love, I love hard.

I have been afraid to tell you that I think about you everyday ... for better or for worse, even in thoughts of hate instead of love, in anger instead of affection, at least I think about you everyday. And with those thoughts about you, the part of me where you exist continues to live.

I have moved on, and I am getting stronger everyday. But I still haven't been able to shed the memories, love and what you are supposed to represent to me. I have been afraid to tell you because I believe you would take what I have to say for granted the way you did before, the way you do now. (and who knows? by the time I click "send," I will probably regret telling you all of this -- will you give me reason to regret telling you?) I don't want to befriend you because you never showed me you understand how to truly cherish friendship and alliance -- and in the end, I would be the one to suffer. I couldn't argue with the logic, reason and precedence that say you would attack my frailty with brute ignorance and blatant disregard. I couldn't allow you to take even more from me when you already have taken so much that you didn't deserve.

But ... I think about you everyday, even when you don't, even when you were determined to break me, even when you try so hard to forget me, even when you didn't and don't love me, even when you are with someone else, even when you don't care to consider how I felt then and now, even when you take me for granted.

So that's why I happened to look on your profile and ended up seeing my own face staring back at me in that picture.
I don't even know what it is doing on your profile. Why is my picture posted along with those of you making out with other people? I am much more than that, and your relationship with me had much more meaning and value than those with all of them -- at the very least, I cared, I loved, I was true and ever faithful, and, short of a few close family and friends, I know you more than anyone ever cared to. So it's insulting to have my image be posted next to those other ones. It makes me sad. Come on. Please take it off, and please don't use any images of me or any that make suggestions of me. I am not something to be shown around (especially considering what had happened between us).

And if you must know, I lost my job because I didn't want it anymore.

I am placing a lot of faith in you. Please don't give me reason to regret sharing this with you.