Recently

Part of my e-mail to Tammy recently:


haha! Thank you very much! Nah, I can’t live up to "sooo intelligent," but I will say that I have a lot to say as a person, that’s all. And maybe that’s what people need sometimes -- to hear what another soul has to say. A motivational speaker or a writer ... hmm. That’s an interesting idea that I’ve heard over and over again from different sources. I wonder if that would work for me as a career. haha! I don’t even know where I would even begin. What do you think?

You are right about life is life ... and I intend to do what I am born do: live life. After all, that’s what we’re ALL here to do, isn’t it? It is really important to me to help others live their lives ... be it in the form of monetary support (not that I have a large amount of money, but I’m sure I’m richer than a lot of folks out there) or in the form of connection and inspiration. And I cannot do that without undergoing my project right now, which is to live in Bend.

I know it sounds really weird, but that’s the way it goes. I came to Bend for a specific reason, and it is to explore my extremes, to be awaken, and to transform. I am here to grasp my own truths and to get to know myself better. You know, the funny thing is that I don’t actually believe that I am here to "find myself." The truth is that I’ve always been here ... I’ve always been me. The better question is whether I’ve been here FOR MYSELF or not. It is one of those understated and undervalued things ... to be there for yourself. Your reality will never expand and transform if you can’t be there for yourself ... to be your own best friend, to value yourself and to add value to yourself, so that you can do the same for others.

Lately, I have grown to realize that life has it’s own course. Yes, a much-repeated idea, but it’s a totally different "deal" when you experience it. The idea becomes yours and a part of you when you actually go through it. It’s kinda funny like that.

See, I didn’t think I’d be able to move to Bend on my birthday ... but I was. Since March 15th, I’ve been going through a lot of transformations, a lot of realizations and a lot of ... well, ups and downs on the practical living situation front, friends front, family/parents front, spiritual front and also on the (ooh ahh) dating front.

Though they are all interrelated, the most interesting are the spiritual front and the dating front, really. haha!

The spiritual thing is really hard to explain, but let’s just say that when Brian and I split up, that’s when my life really started to change ... it was also when I was honored enough to have you and some other folks come into my life (thankfully!!). A wise man who studied with the Native Americans told me that that’s when I started to really become "a black panther," my totem. haha! It’s really interesting to get to know myself from that kind of perspective. Even though it sounds really weird to the rational ear, I found that this perspective is greatly empowering and inspirational. So ... logic can move aside in this regard. haha!

In terms of dating, well, I am not really really dating, but then again, I guess I am. Lately, it’s been interesting to realize that my Self has started to grow into my body ... like, my looks, my movements, my overall health all start to reflect who I am inside. (I know, weird.) And I just found that the opposite sex notices and picks up the scent, so to speak. haha! And so, lately, Life decided to bring me someone who is very unlike me, but very much like me into my life (does that make sense??). As if it was an accident, but an accident calculated by life to the exact decimal point (!!), I met this man who makes me feel ... well, strangely at ease. Believe me, no one else has made me feel this way before, and I am not sure what to make of it. This man is awkward, totally ODD and weird ... but something inside him in his heart and in his mind is so resoundingly familiar to me that I might even say we met in a past lifetime and have been wandering around looking for each other all this time. Despite his unfamiliar face (I am so serious - this guy has ALL the rough edges), I learned that we are all something like balls of energy taking up different bodies in life. Our bodies are just symbols of who we are -- kinda like how the shapes of each alphabet and each word don’t really affect what a sentence or paragraph really means.

Oh, and speaking of wealth, men and age, this guy is 38, educated, intelligent and financially stable. Oh, yeah ... and he’s from Georgia. Hmm. Didn’t know I like Southern hospitality this much.

But then again, who knows where all this will lead?

There’s so much I want to tell you ... well, I guess I’ll just keep you updated bit by bit. :)

I should be back in May sometime. Probably beginning of that month. I’ll let you know, Tammy! :)

~ e