Snowglobe Addiction

I look at it as if it is in a snowglobe. Through the glass, I see it all play out like a badly scripted play ... alll wrong, all wrong. I look at it from different angles incessantly, obsessively, as if thinking will help change the course of the already tragically-fated characters, as if I could find the ultimate fault that brought on the tragedy in the one who played my role.

Lack Thereof

So easily, people get married, have babies, have their own nucleii. But then, they split, give up, part, disband.

Falling IN love WITH someone means they make mistakes, they make them together, they argue, they fight, and they love ... thogether. What about sticking together that is so hard to understand?

Where Are You?

Today, something strange hit me. I just realized that no matter how much I deny it, I know deep down I still want the fabled other half, a true companion, a soulmate, someone to count on, to admire, to love, to dream with, to talk to about anything ... all the things that I thought Brian was and could be, and everything that he promised to be. I am not ready to have someone make me feel like Ive got butterflies fluttering in my stomach, let alone having someone to make me feel like giving myself to. (Im not even fine to date around or mess around!) But theres gotta be better people out there for me to feel the same for and more ... someone who wouldnt just choose the easiest and fastest way out of my life. But then again, who knows? ... Who knew?

Meeting My End

I would rather explode than implode.

I would rather be burnt out than dimmed.

Promises for Rent

You held me like you meant it.
When you said 'forever,' you made my heart sing.

You clung on to me like I was something special,
as if I meant as much to you as you were to me,
like you were as sure as the normally up-turned corners of your lips now turned down with seriousness and determination when you told me that you'd jump off a cliff for me.

For a moment, and for a year too long, I actually believed that you were for real, that you would never give up on me and on us.

Who knew I was living on rented promises: real and almost tangible ... only for the allotted time.

False promises ... take them all back.

Blue Skies, Blue Days

Truly, I long for the type of companionship that fades easily, the type of commitment that makes me feel free. I don't want the convenience of giving up just because of the inconvenience of the daily grind or each other's spots where lack finess ... the qaulities that make us human. I don't want to feel like I AM the person I want to date (as opposed to being WITH the person I want to be with). I don't want to feel like I've been alone in the relationship; I am not supposed to feel lonely being with someone I love. I am not supposed to feel and be treated as (and be called) a doormat.

How could you dim out a bright light like me?

Good Faith Mind Games

Thinking.
It is the way I mourn. Sometimes it brings me to tears -- and I'd cry like a hurt little critter on the roadside. Sometimes, though, it lifts me up and calms me down.

All of this ... because I think with my heart. My mind and heart are one.

I am just like that.

And tonight, I thought about him ... again. My heart and mind played games with each other, like a chess game with the black knight of missing him dueling the white of his non-existence. But funny how the two sides fit perfectly together to reflect the truth.

I am starting to realize why he asked me why I hate him. He may truthfully not see that he was being harsh and cruel with the way he broke up with me. Through the lenses of his own experiences and the sting of the chip on his shoulder that he tries so hard to ignore (but it never fails to bother him - his efforts actually turned into his overbearing ego), he really thought he was doing the both of us a favor (whether his efforts are true or not, it is too early to judge, if judging is even fair in this case -- why compare an apple to an orange?).

Though I am baffled -- and even angered -- by the silliness and ignorance of his half-reasonable rationale, I actually somewhat appreciate the simplicity of his logic. After all, he is being himself. No, he never changed from good to evil, like I so willingly believed. I never changed from better to worse, like he did not want to believe.

Perhaps what I am most disappointed and pained (and angered) by is the fact that, through the entire time we were together, he never discovered who I was, still am and have always been as a person. The topical "intelligent, honest, pretty" just does not cut it as a description of WHO I AM. Instead, he assumed who I was and treated me as such. That drove me into a functional depression that even my roommate at the time could tell. The vibrant Elaine withered.

I can visualize the difference it would have made if only he had more truthful and realistic appreciation of who I am. Perhaps I'm boasting, but I imagine that I am not the type of person that others can easily give up -- just as it is easy for me to attach myself to people I deem worthy. Worth -- yes, that is the point here. He never saw my worth.

But would he realistically have been able to realize ME for being ME, without knowing who he is and what he wants underneath his facade of strength and certainty? Could it have been possible for anyone, first, to explore a person's value and, second, to help that person to further those values for wholesome, mutual benefits?

Probably not. The will just wasn't there.

Decision to Survive

And, ya know, I understand that "not seeing him" might appear to be immature to some, but to a certain extent, one just cannot care too much about what appears to be mature or not. This is not for spite. This is for survival. This is for my battle to keep my sanity. I don't understand why that's so hard to be understood.

Perhaps those that deem my personal decision to not see him as immature in fact too highly esteem themselves and underestimate what bad memories and heartbreak (to the point of trauma) mean.

Perhaps he's forgotten how it felt when he went through having his heart torn open.

Perhaps scars numb.

But I know that I'd rather appear immature than to wait until everyone is asleep to cry like a small hurt animal in the middle of the night the way I did not too long ago ...

... every fuck'n night.

You give away your heart. You love whole-heartedly. You get hurt (your insides hurt, even your body hurts, and all you want to do is throw up). You never want to revisit it. There's nothing immature about that at all.

The fact that I was questioned and that I even have to offer any type of explanation for this is ridiculous.

The Game

"All you can do is just watch the shells/The game looks easy/That's why it sells" ~ Elliot Smith

"Life is like shopping in Hong Kong 25 years ago: 'It came broken? You still bought it.'" ~ EYS

"I wanted so badly somebody other than me staring back at me, but you were gone, gone, gone. I wanted to see you walking backwards and get the sensation of you coming home. I wanted to see you walking away from me without the sensation you're leaving me alone." ~ Counting Crows

"Because your candle burns too bright
Well, I almost forgot it was twilight" ~ Elliot Smith

"There's nothing that feels remotely the same as watching the distance grow between you and the person you love as he/she walks away." ~ EYS

"They say that god makes problems just to see what you can stand/before you do as the devil pleases/and give up the thing you love" ~ Elliot Smith

"I sometimes think of it as I'm in the middle of a really painfully long Saturday Night Live skit in slo-mo. I still am hoping that it'll end up well, that in the end, I'll still have a good laugh. Still an optimist. Painfully naive." ~ EYS

"the cold comfort of the in between
a little less than a human being
a little less than a happy high
a little less than a suicide
the only thing that you really try" ~ Elliot Smith

"A distorted reality is now a necessity to be free." ~ Elliot Smith

Take Your Calcium!

JP says:
"Calcium does a lot of important things in your body:
1. It alkalizes your body (neutralizing a typically acitic body), which allows for faster healing/more energy.
2. It builds up calcium to be used by your bones. You recycle 5 to 7 % of your bone mass every week.
3. Your muscles use calcium to work and burn fat!"

JP also says:
"[Calcium is] one of the most important supplements you can take. But you should take it at night because the calcium channels in your intestines are more open at night."

Thanks, John! :)

Only Apathy for his Charade

Wow. I went to bed super early last night: 10:30pm. I think my body really appreciated that.

I also got a phone call from my ex today (on my parents' cell, which I told had told him not to call, which I happened to pick up). He asked me for my new number so he could "talk" to me (what was he gonna do if my mother had picked up? ask her for it? Fat chance! And not regular fat; more like blubber!). He also asked me why I hate him. Why would someone who doesn't love you, or have any regard for you, care about why you hate him? How unnecessary.

Well, I've got to say that I don't "hate" him; I just have very strong dislike for him. But, of course, if he doesn't know why he is being strongly disliked, then there's really no point in me saying anything. Of all the times that I've tried to talk to him, to tell him exactly what he wants to know now, even to reconcile, it never worked. He never respected what I had to say. So what's the point now? It's not like what I say now would mean any more to him than it did before. Everything that I say now will be exactly the same as 3 months ago. So now all I have for that question is apathy. And funny how I still believe what I told him 3 months ago. You know what his mother advised me? "You might regret what you say later." Haha! Oh, please. That's laughable. It is true in some cases, but when the truth is as blatant as how her son has treated me, I'd actually regret NOT saying anything.

He also asked me why I can't be mature enough to talk to him or see him. You know, talking or not talking to him really has nothing to do with maturity; it's just a personal decision. And for the fact that I can make my own decision that doesn't harm anyone else, I am a mature person. No one will be hurt by this decision of mine, so why not just let me be?

He's apparently bothered by the fact that our mutual friends might have to choose between who to hang out with. See, the mutual friends who really ARE friends don't have to choose between the two of us; they'll understand that I don't want to see him. No sweat there. After all, it really isn't that big of a deal -- we aren't in high school anymore.

So, really, what's the big deal? Why did he have to call me -- to make such a big deal out of virtually nothing? Other than a memory or two, there really is nothing between us anymore. There is nothing to commemorate, there is nothing to talk about, there is nothing.

He practically shat me out of his life to make him feel better. So wipe it clean, flush me down, and let me go. Stop expecting that I will care to explain why I won't speak to him. Stop trying to tempt me to speak up, using words like "mature" when the word is just too big for him to use because he doesn't know what it really means.

Stop the charade.

How do I say it best?

"Let's clear up a few things here:

I am very offended that you would actually call my parents' phone AGAIN after I had, politely but firmly, asked you NOT to ever call there anymore. You could have just written me (but even then, it's still unnecessary). So let me tell you again: Please DO NOT call that number again. And, NO, I will not release my new phone number to you.

As an act of charity, let me remind you that I've told you about 3 months ago why I so strongly dislike you. If you will only remember what I said to you then, your memory will be refreshed, and you will not have to ask me again. The fact that you would even ask me now is completely ludicrous and absurd. Why not pay attention then when I tried so hard to talk to you? Why not do it right the first time around? It certainly does not take a rocket scientist to figure out why someone would dislike you after you have mistreated them.

To continue as a gesture of good faith, I will also remind you that my life, as well as other people's lives, does NOT revolve around you. My decision to not talk to you and to not see you has nothing to do with "hating you". Furthermore, it has nothing to do with my maturity level. In fact, it is your maturity level that should be examined. So, please stop undermining and underestimating my integrity as a person to save yourself from appearing foolish and rash.

Should you recall that it was your decision to oust me from your life in the harshest of ways (apparently in order to "better your life" or something along those lines – and, hopefully, you are living a better life now, as a result), you will understand why I am so repulsed to have heard from you.

I shall hope that, if there is a "next time I'll hear from you", you will have thought through what has gone wrong – what you have done to have hurt me so much that I do not want to talk to you or see you, how you treat people and how you want to be treated, what you have done with your life and your relationships with others, what values should be important to you, and what you want out of life and how you're getting there.

Again, hope all's well."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I am unlike any of your ex-girlfriends, who would come back to you over and over again, and even beg to come back. If you've never met anyone like me, then let me be the first to tell you that I am a woman of options. I am a woman of thought and courage. While you have the right to go your own separate way and fly -- and please do! be happy! -- do not try to drag me down like you have been.

Exact

I know what he wants that only I can give:

He wants to be loved like I loved him. He wants the loyalty, the comfort, the honesty and ease, the undivided attention, the devotion in entirety ... and everything else that cannot be bought or exchanged or bartered.

And that's exactly what I won't be giving him.

"I will be home all night, so give me a call."

I heard his voice for the first time in what feels like a long while. I didn't quite recognize his voice, as he just doesn't sound the same to me as he used to.

Why, of course. He was a different person to me then.

I wrote him and basically told him to never call again. One day, he just will not exist in my life anymore.

The smaller things

I am easily amused. As sophisticated as I am in thought, I am a strange being that finds her everyday enjoyment, not necessarily in the extraordinary, but the mundane: a handsome K9 on leash walking just as staunchly upright as its police officer, a woman with tired bags under her eyes stared blankly into me while reading a large blank book of Braille, the moldy, stuffy smell of books in a cramped corner of the library, which, to me, smells unusually clean and at home, the crisp, determined crack of the cue ball breaking a rack, the luscious maroon of the bar table, whose lacquer has been marked by scratches of good times .... My world is full of texture, taste, color, smells, and meaning. I repeat everything I encounter in my mind with word to make sure I know ... because the moment, if I don't feel it, it will never return. Tell me, what excuse is there for me not to be amused easily, even amazed?

Yikers!

Dude, it's Sunday night, and I'm still freaked out by the vampire movie I watched on Saturday morning.

Well, I wasn't freaked out last night because I was too tipsy ... 6 fishbowls at the Gypsie and a bourbon and coke later. When I realized that I was talking while sleeping, I just had to pass out immediately.

But yeah, I am not watching scary movies and then having to go to bed by myself ever again (since I won't be going to bed with anyone until I get into another relationship, which isn't going to be for a LONG LONG LONG TIME, it deduces to I'm not watching scary movies again).

Not At All

I don't know HOW I could possibly be missing someone who doesn't exist anymore, but I am. He has no regard for me, he doesn't care, he has ousted me from his life to make his own better when I was the person he wanted to "marry" ... and of course, he's not missing me either. And really, I'm not particularly lonely. I have the best of people around me all the time (seriously all the time!). So what is it? Why am I feeling like this? Why am I lamenting for something that isn't there?

Some people say that it's better to have loved than not at all. I feel that if I had to go through this, then fine. But I seriously would not ever choose to do this again.

And, yes, for those of you who have wondered, you're right -- he really hurt me that bad.

Less is More; More is Less

Less is more;
More is less.

Example:
Tomato paste is 5 cans for $1. But just because it costs less, doesn't mean you should buy more, since you don't use it often anyway. Beyond a certain threshold, the more of this discounted item you buy, the less value you gain out of it.

Example:
I think, maybe, someone with less depth than me would suit him better. Less is more. And I think, maybe, my depth was too much for him to handle. More is less.

This means my quality and caliber as a person have not a bearing on the outcome of a relationship. His not accepting and appreciating my being a quality person does not realistically reflect badly on either of us. In other words, it's not that he was too stupid to realize that he got lucky. It's that he doesn't know what to do with the gold he struck.

Some people are like that: because they've been stuck in the same environment all their lives, they stop growing their capacity to adjust to higher value. Their value cap is lower than others.

It's a matter of adapting to the other person according to your own capabilities. If you are a "horizontal" type person -- meaning your life is stretched horizontally, but remains at the same level, with no vertical measurement of depth to speak of -- then you're better off finding someone who is like that. These people, some of us would call "shallow". But then again, I think I can't possibly expect everyone to be in-depth, can I? After all, everyone fulfills a different role in a common society. Brian, for instance, as shallow, arrogant and selfish as he is, makes for an entertaining friend (for some), and a very good contruction worker, as he is not looking for depth in his work anyway. Without those of his type, who would be doing construction work for long? Buildings would not get built, HVAC systems would not get fixed, and toilets would be clogged because plumming would not get done. And I appreciated that. Aside from what he is now to me, still I appreciate his simplicity, if nothing else.

But of course, many exceed this prototype. There are those out there who are not necessarily in-depth but are happy with their loved ones who are very in-depth. They try to understand depth (the willingness is more important than understanding the depth), making "more is more".

These people are happy with what they have. If nothing else, they appreciate what they've got. They are willing to adapt. These are the happy ones, the lucky ones. And where do I find them?

Vampires are Scary

God, 30 Days of Night scared the shit out of me. The whole time, I was just panicking with the characters. I even found myself thinking, "I NEED to be a super-human desperately. I need to be able to emmit UV rays, be fast and slick, and know how to do kung fu in impossibly high heels. THEN, I'd be able to stand a chance when the vampires come and attack!"

I mean, what could possibly be scarier than something completely lethal and smart?? I mean, zombies aren't as scary because they are STUPID! They can't figure anything out worth for shit!

And vampires dress like they're all from the runway -- they're stylish! They totally have the upperhand, and they're totally in control! AHHH!

Seriously, with a vampire, you are completely fucked! It's bad enough that you're gonna die. But you're also outwitted AND outdressed! You're dead one way or another, but with vampires, you can't even sass them with: "Boy, at least I didn't look like an unfortunate style-wreck hillbilly like you!" before you die, like you otherwise could with zombies.

I'm completely enthralled.
Hmm. Stylish, smart and lethal .... Yeah, I think I wanna be a vampire this Halloween.

Love is Inherently Flawed

I am tired of being taken for granted. Tired. Sick. I mean so much more.

He doesn't see that (other than his parents) I am the only one who was ever true to him completely, who ever loved him completely and unconditionally.

(And with how things are going for him,)
I am probably going to be the only one
ever.

So why? How could I be taken for granted?

He doesn't realize how big this small world is, that even something as flawed as love is so hard to come by. He doesn't realize how hard life is and how much harder he is making it by not appreciating life and not appreciating the people who deserve appreciation.

And where does that leave me? Here ... and nowhere.

Bad Literature

Our story was like a terribly written novel ending abruptly with a run-on sentence (not unlike this one) unrelated to any other parts in the rest of the novel.

Legacy

My dad is actually a little/a lot like Brian -- very one-track minded, very stubborn, doesn't seem to see the whole picture very well, lacks empathy, and very judgmental. VERY. (an Asian father ... judgmental? Never! haha!)

You know, I hate that, actually. I didn't realize how similar they are until later. Actually, I didn't really SEE the similarities until now that I live with my family again. (I did say I chose to live with my family to get to know them better, right?)

For example, my dad and I were discussing debt, per Suzie Orman's advice and such. The topic started with people who make more than 100,000 dollars a year, but are still heavily in debt.

My dad's perception is these people are stupid and useless. The fact that they can still be in debt even after making 100,000 dollars a year proves that. Well, I wouldn't completely disagree with that -- there is a lot to be said about self-control.

But there must be other aspect to the terrible spending habit, if one may reasonably assume that bad spending is part of the problem. I tend to think that, apart from self-control, there's got to be "emotional issues". If someone lacks the ability to control oneself for an obvious and better alternative of not being in debt, then there's gotta be more to the story.

My guess is that these people have lots of insecurty issues that they compensate with "possessing things". The sense of fulfillment and control, albeit temporary and short-lived, is what they are looking for. Then, that emotional root becomes a habit. And let me tell you that emotional roots are hard for others (and themselves) to uncover and recover when they get buried under the dirt of habits. But that's precisely why it's simple and easy for those like my dad to comment that these people are "stupid and useless". Believe me; no one wants to be in debt, just as no one wants to grow up to be a junkie or whatever else. There's always more to the story worthy of understanding.

My dad commented, "See, I know exactly how things should work. Suzie Orman only writes books, but those things are needless to say. I know already know all of that. I'm so good that I taught myself that. No one taught me how, but me. I am a rarity. You have no place to speak. "

That's EXACTLY what he said tonight -- in Chinese, of course.

You know, along the lines of "I know everything; you know nothing" -- or variations of such depending on what topic we're on, is that kind of arrogance and narrow-mindedness that reminded me of Brian. For a long time, I didn't understand it. For a long time, I was UNWILLING to understand it. But when I loved Brian, I actually bought into it -- gave him the benefit of the doubt that, just maybe, he knew what he was talking about ... just like my dad.

But now that I have come to a better understanding over why these two men do that, I came up with this: They are both trying TOO HARD to gain respect when they have a hard time respecting themselves for who they are. In other words, they can't give themselves the kind of respect they ask for.

So what? So they put you down to lift themselves up. (I mean, sure, do whatever you need to do to make your life easier, but just don't make everyone else's life worse. Come on. And you demand respect from us? Please. You might as well just beg - that might work better than being arrogant.)

It's just really frustrating talking to people like that because they just think I'm stupid. They would say anything -- anything! -- to prove you wrong, even if it means to say something completely off-topic or completely doesn't make sense just to throw you off and re-pave the playing field to where they are in control. (TIP: Now I know that, most the time, they lose track of what they say. So they would put up a front that makes them SEEM like they know what they're talking about ... don't buy into it. The best way is not just to ignore them, but to do something else and show that you enjoy doing that something else. Try not to pick on their fallacies in argument and errors, if you really care. If you mean anything to them, they will be very angry with you for catching their mistakes. If you don't mean anything to them, they will very much dislike you, at best.)

They will make you feel like your ideas and views are stupid, unnecessary and other negative things that I don't understand. They will set up the assumption that you are weak, therefore, you can't possibly know any better. That also means they know better, which also means they know the most and the best in the world. This gives them clout to illegitamize what you say, what you do, and who you are. Whether this is their goal or not, one way or another, the outcome is: the more you are around people that ASSUME you're weak, you'll start to believe that you are. Then, you'll start to really lose your strength and actualize their imagination. You will act out their fantasy that they are in control and are better -- that their arrogance is legit. And pretty soon, they will shun you for your artificial "weakness".

All my life, I've lived with that. I lived for years and years thinking that that's how men are. My romantic relationships with men are just like that: I loved them, I was willing to put up with it, but I also expect to have to fight for my place. When I let that guard down and tried to expect more peace, I practically got eaten up and spat out. And, you know, some people get better over time as they grow, but others, like my dad, never grew out of that.

Surely, I am having a tough time reconciling with this legacy.

Never Again

I will never forget the way I sobbed, making cries that only small, hurt, dying animals that have fallen prey would make, during those dark days not so long ago.

The pain that branded so deeply into my heart ...
sometimes like artharitis pain, other times like a fresh stab, it comes back.

Every night, when I sit down, it comes back.

Every moment, I stop to wonder, it comes back.

Oh, those days of pain, they never left.
They are reminders of my vow.

Emo Like This, Emo Like That

I've been listening to a lot of emo junk lately. I like how upbeat but depressed they can be. The juxtaposition hasn't been worn off yet.

Today, I heard this:
"Rest assured that I am moving on. I miss you less with each day you're gone." ~ Matchbox Romance

When that came on, I just wanted to say:
Sorry, you've been expelled from my life. (wait, no. I'm not sorry.) You were right about one thing though, which you said when you were trying to find every and any excuse to expel me: I am better off without you ... better and better by the day.

Crushing on ...

And before I go off to bed, I just want to say that I love the gadgets that I have. I love my iPod (and I wish I have time to download more music that I like and find new ones), and I love my new phone!!! How did I ever live without one? I love how small it is, and I love how amazingly smart my SmartPhone is! It keeps my life in order, and I just wish that there was an accounting program on there that keeps track of my daily spending. Wouldn't THAT be an idea? I think I'll just have to use Google's spreadsheet program, so that I can access it through the Internet. Yes, Internet. I'd rather not shop for clothes for a long time (I didn't buy any clothes for the past YEAR!) and pay for Internet on my phone instead!

Okay, night.

Geeking Out

I would have to say Andre Rieu's Dublin concert is probably the BEST classical concert I've ever seen. And mind you, I've seen quite a few in my years. There is nothing quite like a string orchestra playing classical music, especially the Toreador Song from Carmen, and have fun with it!

And you know, I never get tired of The Blue Danube. Classical buffs or those of you who are even remotely musically-inclined should know what I'm talking about: when the moment is right, it gets you more energized than coffee.

Bugs and Shit

Today, I got chewed out for working too much/hard. I stayed after to finish some things, and I knew I was gonna get in trouble, but being the stubborn ass and workaholic that I am, I put out anyway. It's like, the system at the DA's office is so flawed that I was hired only to apply bandaids to gaping holes. Really, if people aren't willing to stick out and do extra to make things better, everyone will end up stressed out anyway. But of course, I'm totally speaking from a "yellow personality type," "collaborator," "team-oriented" perspective -- that's just me. In this justice system, I tell ya, there is no "team," not at this workplace anyway. Everything is incoherent, scattered, but the expectations are relatively unreasonable for how shoddy the system operates. So everyone is just there to do JUST their job. Bugs the shit outta me.

I, a chemical reaction

I guess, basically, all we are are just a chemical reaction ... even an accidental chemical reaction, maybe.

But this small fundamental fact does not and cannot discredit all the wonders and possibilities it creates.

So keeping that in mind, why should we surrender control over our belief in life because of a memory?

What is Rightfully Mine

[No, no. Sarahquel, you're intelligent, insightful and pretty, and you may not even believe in the quote you posted, but I just have to post it on my blog to remind myself that I don't believe in it. In fact, your quote, in a reversed sort of way, made me feel empowered. Thank you. :) ]

I don't believe in the following quote because it is fatalistic, not that all fatalistic ideologies are all wrong, as they are not all right. I just feel that this quote, in all its depression, forgot to mention our parents and family's influence, our friends, our teachers, wisdom from books, everyday experience, our own thoughts and ideas ... and even genetics. (We weren't born the day before we fell in love. We came a long way before we fell, well, anywhere. And, by God, those days should count for something.)

No, I believe people I have fallen in love with in the past, or just other people in general, do not define how I love and who I love. No, I make that decision. I make my own meaning out of what these people meant to me before and what they will mean to me later. Their influence will always remain as an influence, but NEVER a definition. (if we don't make our own meaning out of every breath we take, then what's the point?)

I believe in the power in my own thoughts. I love and live the way I think and feel is possible; it is my claim to what is rightfully mine -- my definition of life. Through my ups and downs in life, even through the harshest of times, through mistreatments, even crime, against me -- and I really could have been a bitter person because of all that -- one thing that no one ever robbed me of is just that ... my independent belief in life that is uniquely mine.

And because of that, they never "won", and I never "lost". In fact, I won in my own "context".

(For that, I seek to spread, not depression, but hope to people around me -- to remind them that they can make up their own minds. Not to say to disregard the influence of people in their past, but to make purpose that leads to more in life. I want them to know that if they were to let someone else take control of their lives, then so be it. But before that, I want them to know it is their own choice. I want them to at least know that they have a say in their own lives if they will remember at least ONE other person that cares about them.)

"We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It's easy. The first girl I ever loved was someone I knew in sixth grade. Her name was Missy; we talked about horses. The last girl I love will be someone I haven't even met yet, probably. They all count. But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you'll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there's still one more tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it always happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of those lovable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. You will remember having conversations with this person that never actually happened. You will recall sexual trysts with this person that never technically occured. This is because the individual who embodies your personal definition of love does not really exist. The person is real, and the feelings are real--but you create the context. And context is everything. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they're often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else."


Killing Yourself to Live, Chuck Klosterman

Purse Person

I just bought a new purse the other day.

After I had made the purchase, I found that I only had two things to put in it -- my phone and my iPod pouch, which doubles as a wallet, making a small purse seem unusually large. Maybe I need to think of more things to put in there.

Or maybe I'm just not a purse person.

New? Not.

Why are you self-destructive? No, don't you even compare "missing someone that moved away", and it "is secretly getting to you" with "overloaded with life". Your shit cannot compare to me. You don't deserve to be self-destructive. You have not a good reason to be. You don't deserve to pity yourself. You made your choice, so you live with it. You are the person you choose to be -- granted some choices are harder than others. But you've made you own choice. Now you are self-destructive over it? How pathetic.

Me a Silent Poison

I am a light that warms and gives hope to people that I love and care about, to strangers that need a hand. People are my people.

When someone hurts me, I am just the opposite of that. I quietly slip away -- I practically disappear, as if I never happened. But what is left behind is my shadow, a silent poison of your guilt and regret.

I know. Maybe I am a bad person. I forgive, but I never forgive entirely.

Reversed Death Cab

Someday You Will Be Loved
death cab for cutie

I once knew a girl
In the years of my youth
With eyes like the summer
All beauty and truth
In the morning I fled
Left a note and it read
Someday you will be loved.

I cannot pretend that I felt any regret
Cause each broken heart will eventually mend
As the blood runs red down the needle and thread
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And everytime tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

Someday you will be loved

3D iMax of Your Mind

Never again do I want to be a part of someone's figment of imagination.

[I don't want to be who you think I am.]

Here and there

Yearly goals
Monthly goals
Weekly goals
Daily goals

Stardust Lust

"I want life in every breath to the extent that it's absurd." ~ Death Cab for Cutie

Maybe I am greedy. I live with this greed for meaning, this lust for purpose. I want there to be life in every breath I take. I want every movement, every scent, every touch, every tangible thing to have an intangible spirit with it.

I want life to have even more than what I expect to receive because I actually want to believe that there is more to offer than I know or can imagine.

This, perhaps, is my "grand unified theory" embodied in one -- one thought, one dream, one breath, one person, one anything.

Perhaps this is why I get disappointed. It is because my beliefs are so strong and encompassing -- and yet so flawed -- that I even expect all those around me to respect it and believe in it, too ... in the glittery stardust of hope and dreams and desire for perfection.

But if this is my flaw, then I'd rather it to be this than anything else because at least I believe in something.

Quite Simply

Don't you see that I'm awesome??? Why were you mean to me??

I think you are stupid for being you. Nobody I know wants to be you ... actually, not even you yourself. But you're stuck, so you've gotta be okay with it.

I thought about it, and I've decided that your ethical integrity is a lot like the integrity of the Twin Towers -- flawed.

You've gotta to wallow with your own breed to be comfortable -- you're uncomfortable with anything different because you don't know how to be willing to relate. Therefore, all the people that you go in and out with are the same people since 10 to 15 years ago (and are stuck in the realm of 10 to 15 years ago). Your growth in life is limited by each other. What? You left me for freedom? But you never left your own cage. (when I can go anywhere I want)

Life is not teleological; it is what you make of it. Life isn't something that can be predicted by just a "You're better off without me". You don't know any better than I do. Don't pretend you know more than you do.

Quite simply put: You're just stupid.

For Myself

I don't appreciate you blaming me for not living up to your word.

Tonight, I mourn for myself.

Backhandedly

"THANKS FOR THE BACKHANDED FAVOR COZ NOW I AM NOT STUCK WITH A FUCK'N PIECE OF SHIT LIKE YOU AT THE BUTT OF THE SACK (literally, cul de sac)! AND EVEN THOUGH I HURT NOW, AT LEAST I WON'T HURT FOREVER LIKE I OTHERWISE WOULD HAVE!!

FUCK YOU!!"

I think I'm PMSing. I just needed to do that. Thanks for the forum.

Now I probably should just meditate.
Ohhhhmmmmm!

Some Favorite Things

Earrings

Scarves

Gadgets

Journals and notebooks

Pens and pencils

Books

Flowers

Fuzzy things

Flipflops

Connect-the-Dots

My life is like a game of Connect the Dots. But in this game, I've got to, first, create the Dots, and then Connect them. It's quite the operation, you see. I've got to design what kind of Dots I want -- color, shape, etc.. Then, I've got to think of where I want my Dots. To create the over all picture that I want, I must strategically locate my Dots, in order for the Connections to be made right.

You know, even though I lead a small life, still, it's brilliant.

Sexy and Red Shoes ... Yeah, It’s a Girl Thing

I finally joined the gym again today. I feel like I want to ease back into climbing, so I'm going to do my conditioning there. Besides, there's a pool, hot tub, yoga classes ... oh, and cute guys. hahaha! I can't wait to get stronger again. I'm bringing my sexy back ... and keeping it this time!

AND! I finally found a pair of red shoes that I like!! I've been looking for a pair of red shoes for at least a year now, and today was the fateful day that we met -- me and my red shoes! Yay!!

I am also excited that we're going to have a regular girls' night -- wine and dine. Girls in town, let me know if you want to join in the action! ;-)

Jimmy Eat World

"The first star I see may not be a star."

... This thought lingers.

Death with Dignity of Choice

Somehow, I don't quite understand people who are so vehemently against the Oregon Death with Dignity Act (aka. Doctor-Assisted Suicide).

If people can have a choice over giving birth (or not), then why not death?
If people can have a choice over getting married (or not), then why not death?
If people can be put to death involuntarily (capital punishment), then why can't people choose their own deaths, their own destinies?

Provided that friends and family accept it, then why is this so wrong?

Are we so used to the idea that we are helpless against death? Does the idea of accepting and even embracing death as freedom really scare us so much?

But you know what's scarier than death? Being trapped. Having no choice. Waiting to die. (a lesson I learned when I was in Hong Kong for my grandmother's funeral recently)

If life is painful, doctors as healers, who try to extend our lives, would only become the deliverers of pain ... since they can't completely heal us anyway. They are only halfway-healers if they can't admit their insufficiencies.

What, did you think choosing death over life is somehow the easy way out? To survive is an instinct. Therefore, one must truly have a persuasive reason to choose death over survival. Parting is never easy, as we are so used to living. But at some crucial point in a life, we must accept that there could be something better beyond living in this life, if living means being having no choice at all. If living is freedom, then I say don't let freedom be your cage.