I Walk for a While

Mark and Leslyn,

I have been thinking about you both since the last you wrote me. But I wasn't sure how to respond because, as I read about your travels, I was already distracted by the dealings of, well, life (many other things related to work and family, but one major thing, which is what this letter is about). Of course, your lack of prospect for a job stuck in my mind and caused me a few moments of worry here and there (I didn't worry much more, though, because you didn't sound too worried yourself). But I will say that, even though I am not replying directly to your letter about your travels or lack of job prospect, I want you to know that one thing Mark wrote in the last e-mail did sneak into my mind and stayed there: (funny enough) it's when he mentioned the "other world" that lives under water. Mark, you told me you found peace scuba diving and felt good seeing the world under water that we commonly don't see. Your experience sprung into my head during a time of confusion, when I needed to find some peace. So, what did I do? I went to visit the Deschutes River and let its song calm me down. So thank you. Perhaps you had an inner knowing to send your water, transcending through time and space, over to me.

The following is a LONG story -- I didn't think you'd mind, but I still wanted to apologize. However, I'll say that you will have a good time reading it, just as I had a good time writing it. Enjoy!

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Tonight, Jeremy, the brother of, Josh, my roommate, irritated me. I felt that he just didn't listen to me at all. Soooo lame. He asked a question and cut me off just when I started to answer. For the rest of the conversation, he decided to ignore me and discuss it with Josh instead. It sounded so much like he just wanted to hear himself talk and to hear Josh agree with him on the point that the only conclusion available tonight is "I don't know." I was irritated that he didn't take the time to listen to me because I firmly believed that I had an inkling of what the answer might be -- or at least I wanted to get closer to it by having a discussion.

I even e-mailed Nora about it -- a lengthy e-mail about just how rude and silly he had acted.

Except in just a few hours (now), I realized that, while Jeremy had acted irritatingly and even rudely, I also had my problems. For one, I used the "big" word "dipthong" as part of my answer to his question. Of course not everyone knows what that means! But why did I use it? And why did he cut me off and ignored me soon after I used that word?

You know, I have a short temper when it comes to people just being the way they are (pleasant or not) when I'm out of balance (especially). I think this episode with Jeremy and Josh is just an indication of it. When I am out of balance, I find that I'd start to read more, so to acquire knowledge mostly for the sake of knowledge, not for understanding. Then, I'd use that knowledge for the sake of using it, again, not for understanding. I cease to accept people for the way they are, for better or for worse, because I'm unhappy about the Current, about my life as it is.

The last time I felt this way was when Tom, my last roommate that I started a romantic relationship with, left for a fishing trip in Portland soon after he had to take care of Tara, his ex-girlfriend and the pregnancy. I remember feeling angry during that time. As a way of letting it out, I liked to point out how wrong everyone and everything was (also why I used the big word with Jeremy) -- my way of ... well, "therapy" by breaking dishes, by throwing them at a wall one by one full-strength with my spiral-throwing arm (I throw a very nice, tight spiral in American football -- haha!). But I believe that my anger at the time was just a by-product; something else caused my anger. Perhaps, I was angry because I felt couldn't stop from feeling sad.

But things changed and days passed on. Like the desert changing its landscape with the coming of the wind, Tom came back from the fishing trip, and I didn't deal with the matter in its entirety. So, without memorizing the image of the landscape hard enough and quick enough, I could not find my way back to put those problems to rest.

That was several months ago.

Today, I realize that I have started to feel the same way for the past week and a half, two weeks. It's good. I see it this time. I saw the coming of it, and I see that it is here. Now, I need to see where it came from and see to its leaving.

But where did the sadness come from, the sadness that brought restlessness and anger? I keep wondering. I am trying to listen, observe and understand.

For support, I decided to re-read something spiritually powerful to me. Since Sunday, I've been reading the panther's description. I also read the leopard's description, since I feel that's what I am ... a black leopard. I read that I am here in this life to learn about self-reliance and about reclaiming my power. I had forgotten that ... almost. It made me feel better reading it because I was reassured that I am here for a certain purpose, an assignment. But it didn't make me feel good enough. So I looked in my little collection of books to find something that might help calm me down. At first, nothing looked good. But I looked again. And there it was, a small book hidden between larger and more important-looking books.

I found The Alchemist.

I bought this book several months ago when I was still living with Tom, struggling to find balance and a sense of reassurance and direction. I had only read the preface of the book, but I plunged in and bought it -- a small voice inside told me I should take it home because I will want to read it one day. See, the even more interesting thing about my encounter with this book is that last winter, while I was in a lot of pain still, trying to pick myself up from my last relationship (even worse than how sad I was about 2 months after this point, which was when you first met me), I wandered through a winter bazaar in Portland -- where I was still living with my parents and working at a miserable job -- and met a very spiritual woman perchance. Somehow, it seemed her booth called me to it. We started talking, and she told me about intuition, about knowing, and about her encounters in The Philippines (where my old nanny is from -- lost contact, sadly; would like to find her).

The woman also told me about The Alchemist, which, for the next many months, I had almost forgotten.

When I walked through Barnes & Noble's the day I bought the book, somehow, it was on display. I walked past it, but it caught my eye, so I backtracked (literally walking backward) to look at it. I believe it was calling for me, just as it was calling for me from amongst other books on my bookshelf the other day, just when I needed something nourishing to read. And I felt like I needed to understand why this book's call felt so calming to me.

So, I brought The Alchemist down by the river yesterday. I read half of it while listening intensely ... to the river, to the scratching and small footsteps of rodents (chipmunks?) running around trying to approach me (funny that there was this ONE that came less than a foot in front of me several times, wondered whether it should come any closer, but then decided not to), and also to the voice of the book's wisdom.

Today, I finished the book. Though I teared at a few sentences, I honestly did not learn as much as I would have liked about Personal Legends (the heart's purpose), Language of the World, Soul of the World and the Hand that writes Life. I am happy that many people (like my roommate) appreciated that book so much, they'd claim it has "changed their lives." But it hasn't yet for me. No, the secrets of the world is not what I am after. In fact, even though I don't understand completely, I feel that I am already familiar with them somehow. What I have been looking for is the secret of my heart. I wanted to know what is making my heart feel dis-ease all these years.

Impressed but not satisfied from reading The Alchemist, I started reading The Tao of Pooh.

Yes, you're right. Pooh as in Winnie-the-Pooh, the stuffed bear.


Another interesting fact here is that The Tao of Pooh was given to me by a friend in school about a year and a half ago. I was having a very tough time at that point, and I had to mask a lot of things to get by. That friend was Aaron, who later did me another kind deed by literally rescuing me when my old boyfriend kicked me out. I didn't read it for so long because I just wasn't ready. At that time, I wasn't looking the Path; I was trying to figure out how to heal. But I knew I would read it one day, the day when I wanted to understand where I'm heading.

I believe that day was today.

Only 1/3 into the book, I stopped and started writing this ... not because I've suddenly been enlightened about the Path, but because the book reminded me that I have been short-tempered for a reason (referring back to the beginning of this letter), a reminder I didn't have before I read The Alchemist. It was from reading the simplest thing -- a book about Pooh Bear to illustrate the Path -- that reminded me people's behavior may be silly and irritating, but they are silly and irritating only because I feel disconnected, uncomfortable and out of balance. Indeed, things seem as they are in one's heart; things look nice because they reflect how you feel in your heart, and vice versa. The first place to contemplate is not the problems of others, as they will be solved with the passing of time. I feel I ought to check the problems of the self (not to say I caused other people's problems and transgressions;t I'm saying my attitude towards their problems and transgressions).

So what is it?

While writing the paragraph earlier about how I hadn't learned as much as I wanted from The Alchemist, I suddenly asked myself, "Really? You sure nothing touched your heart? Don't you remember your heart throbbed and you teared as you read about Love, about departure and waiting? You remembered how your heart suffered all those times before -- scorned, misunderstood and misinterpreted, bent, abused, ignored, trampled -- and this time now with Tom and your unrequited feelings for him. It touched you where you did not want to be touched, didn't it?"

So, really, through the many steps, many passages of words, time and many voices of my heart-mind, I have come to feel that my sadness comes from departure and abandonment, from being broken-hearted. I know it affects me so not because I am weak and others who are stronger get over it. The reason could be many: perhaps it affects me this strongly because I came to this life with the burden of the last. Or maybe it is because I was raised a certain way (I've tried reading and understanding the physical brain's working -- fascinating and insightful, but it didn't give me the answer that fills the entire void). Or maybe -- just maybe -- this is my Lesson, the black panther's lesson: self-reliance and reclamation of power ... a power that lies in loving myself, the power I need to acquire before realizing my Personal Legend ... my purpose and role in this world.

I've been feeling lonely for the past week, and I have been trying to explain to Nora (and myself) why I'm still single. Not that I'm in a hurry to marry, but I was trying to explain away my loneliness. All of this ... from the beginning of this letter to the end ... is the REAL reason why I haven't found a boyfriend yet. It isn't just because the boys I've encountered aren't mature enough or ready enough or interesting enough (but mark my words, these DO make part of the reason!). The truth is my life has its own course and its own timing to reach my purpose, my Legend (which I am starting to believe is Love, not just love for myself, but also beyond that) that no one can help. Others may find their way to their Personal Legends (purposes/roles) in this life through first finding love. In other words, love will be an instrument that helps them reach their challenges and their Legends. But I feel that it'll be almost the opposite for me: I will be challenged to realize my powers and knowing myself before I can reach my Personal Legend, which is to love myself so to truly give myself to others.

I am still sad. Understanding what is happening does not heal my wounds and take away my sadness. But it reassures me that change is coming. If I withstand this, I can go on to withstanding the next and the next and the next ... until I reach a point when Life is satisfied.

After all, that is what we are all here to do, isn't it -- to reach each of our purposes and potentials, so to fulfill Life's longing for itself, and to nourish and satisfy Life as a universal whole?

Please send me blessings with your thoughts of me wherever you are. I believe I am setting off on this journey to some place far away.

Missing you.

Love,

Lum Lum