Her Life is Her Own Creation

Surely, our past always has a hand in shaping our future, but the way it shapes our future and who we become is entirely taken from the lessons we learn along the way, which are intended to help us to relate to our distant and not-so-distant past.

And here, we have some choices to make:
Are we willing to recognize that there are lesson to be learned?
Are we willing to do what it takes to learn them?
Are we willing to let these lessons be part of our guide?

Events, things that happen in our lives, never go away. They remain as they are in their own dimensions. And they exist simultaneously in different versions/forms in the three dimensions we know so much, but so little about: the past, the present and the future.

It is our mission to recognize each version of these events' existence and add value to them -- events in the past as memories, but their existence in the present is a lesson, and in the future, a result. This pattern goes on and on, even beyond the time of humans years and years from now.

This is part of the creative of Life.

Loss of Nora

It is disappointment that I feel. it is the prophetic "i told you so" in my stomach.

With parents like mine, there is never the absence of doubt, for better or for worse.

But I had to go ahead and do what's right despite doubt. One still must treat a friend as a friend, not just for the sake of the friend or the friendship, but for the solemn faith and commitment of what friendship essentially is.

Yes, it's laughable to the cynics. I would sacrifice -- and have sacrificed -- for a principle.

But if I give up on that principle, that ideal, then what possibility be still hope for from friendship might die, extinct.

It is up to people like me (and you) to do the right thing, at our cost, yes, to keep the light of love and humanity alive.

I will not give in to jadedness.

As Wrong As We Are

As I reconstruct and reconsider my own life and foundation, so is the greater society.

Today, we live in one of the most trying times in history -- not because of war, not because violent attacks, not even because of questions about our decisions -- but because this is a time that asks us to steady our hearts, our conviction, and asks us to redefine our stance. Who are we individually and collectively? What does our surroundings mean to us? Where will we go? Where does our heart lie and what does it say?

Every little bit counts.

My life is but a microscopic view of it.

All we need to do is to REMEMBER who we are and hold on to it tight because being true to that is our only protection.
The pain will not go away, but being true will keep our feet where they belong.

With this in mind, I am sending what's left of my love and compassion out to the universe -- even those that have hurt me and wronged me -- to let them know that we're in this together.

And that's just me

Well, ya know. You don't have to worry about me because I'm strong and resilient. I just solo it, just power through it because that's what I do ... right? Right. That's just me.

And those that do worry about me do because I'm messy, naive, haven't gotten it down, don't know what I'm doing. I walk on a thin line suspended in air with no safety net below. And, of course, I have no idea that's what I'm doing ... right? Right. That's just me.

This Must be a Re-Run

I couldn't sleep past 7:30am. The first thing I do is to suddenly open my eyes and take a deep breath, as if I needed more air to exist in reality and not dreamland. My first thought was a whisper, "Tom ..." My first sensation was the grip of anxiety.

A year ago, I was going through the same thing. Oh, and when I say "the same thing," I mean it. Every time, it seems, I am to be frustrated about something in the relationship. I express it, but it doesn't get answered. When I finally get pissed about him evading the question, he tells me I have a "temper problem." I don't understand why he evaded the question, why he feels I have a problem, he tells me I just don't understand him, and we are not meant to be together. Of course, to come to find out, his heart is still with someone in his past. My anxiety is heightened because I feel like I can't live up to a memory. Besides, what's happening doesn't makes sense. So I try to explain, I try to ask why, but he gets impatient and eventually gets pissed off. Then, I hang up. I think about it and analyze. No, it's not. It's not true. None of it. So I write him a long e-mail trying to explain that it wasn't just me (thinking, no, please don't punish me!). Even though it made me feel better temporarily, of course, that was still a waste of time -- he would never understand. This must be a re-run of something.

Here we are again.

I'm in Central Oregon, but we have gray skies these few days. It seems like an extra shade of gray at 7:30 in the morning. Or maybe it's just me -- my heart makes my eyes gray. My roommate's brother told me I looked shorter than usual yesterday. Well, I guess my troubles make me small, too. Maybe it's because it cuts my appetite.

Here we are again.

So I am hurting. It follows the same prescription, the same recipe. Let me backtrack, and I will remember what will come next. ... Well, wait. It helped the last time to have friends around, to have a job, to have no creditors after me for student loans. Maybe there are deviations after all.

Experience tells me, though, that I will not be missed.

I read something first thing for breakfast this morning, a quote: "It started before it could be stopped, and it was over before it began." I can't even explain how I feel when I read that.

Not working

Ever wonder why we -- or anyone else -- fight?
It's because we are scared.

When you and I fight, it's because you're scared to open up, and I'm scared that you aren't opening up because you don't care/want me. The more you clam up, the more I try (because I care). The more I try, the more you evade the issue. The more you do that, the more frustrated I become. The more frustrated I get, the more frustrated you get. The more frustrated we become, the more explosive our fights are.

Here's where we divide:
I wanted to figure out WHY we fight. I wanted to fix it.
You felt that there is no bottom to it. It's easier to just say that I have a temper problem. You don't want to straighten it out ...

... because we are not in a committed relationship (but what about friendship? isn't understanding us important for being friends, too?). And we actually never asked each other what "commitment" means to us. What I think of it is first and foremost "valuing the other person and not taking he/she for granted." Time can always be negotiated. Emotional devotion can't.

You were so keen on being with me at the beginning because it was "easy." I was easy to manage -- you thought of a relationship as something to manage. And the way to gauge the quality and possibility of a relationship is by how easy it is.

But do you know why it was easy?
It was because we hadn't met our baggage, "Tara's pregnancy," yet.

No relationship goes on without fights for long. Those that haven't fought truly have not seen challenge yet.
You and I have seen battles because we haven't adequately addressed the challenge of common ground since you came back from Washington.

No inspiring relationship goes on without disagreements. Those that always agree have not been honoring their responsibility of showing the world to each other.

You and I have not seen things eye to eye because we are different and meant to be different. I have seen other sides, and I will always show you other sides. ... Or perhaps you don't want someone with a mind and experiences of her own?
(Ever wonder why you and Kelly didn't fight? 1) You WANTED it to work, 2) She didn't challenge you the way I do -- and youth of mind has something to do with it because, if she was not 21, but more like 25 or older and have seen a few more things, I'll bet you guys would not have seen eye to eye, too, 3) The circumstances and baggage weighed differently then vs. now.)

So, it really isn't just about me having a "temper problem." In fact, I don't. You know I don't -- be honest. I am a laid-back, open-minded person. But I couldn't help but to be particular, out-spoken and proactive -- in the end, even frustrated and angry -- because things were left unaddressed. You wavered on where I stood in your life, and you wavered on what kind of value you placed in me ... for months. Recall, it wasn't until fairly recently that you started voicing your feelings of "not being ready for a relationship."

It isn't fair to say that "we weren't meant to date". Surely, we are meant to be different, but that doesn't mean "we weren't meant to date." Actually, if you (... or us) were ever willing to address the baggage and the concerns that came with it earlier on, things would never have gotten as bad. Even though we don't see eye to eye, I actually understand you quite a bit more thoroughly than most. I could tell your mood just by the noise frequency of your rocking chair since the beginning -- and it wasn't just out of habit.

So, you might as well just have told me you aren't interested in me and had just wanted the sex.

Speaking of sex, it also isn't fair to rebuttal with "Come on, you liked it, too." Of course, I liked it ... but you knew I liked it only because I thought I was with you. If we were just friends, if I had known that you weren't really interested in me, you KNEW I would not have continued to sleep with you. You have known all along that I'm not that kind of girl. Why would you say such a thing as "come on, you liked it, too"?

What hurt me isn't just because you are not interested in me (which is synonymous to "commitment"). It's because you were not interested, but you still wanted to stick around for the sex, the intimacy, the "good stuff" ... but with none of the work. You're a farmer/gardener. You should know that if you actually have to tend the garden at least every once in a while and have the right attitude about the garden to get any fruit out of it later. You can't cheat the garden, just like you can't expect to get the best of me 1) with no problem, and 2) for it to last. This is what I mean by "taking me for granted."

What I want is for you to recognize and understand (if you don't, it's fine to ask -- provided that you actually want to understand). I don't expect you to understand everything -- or be willing enough to understand everything. But I think we can agree to at least some things. I value you, and it is important to me (and our friendship) for you to understand that this hurt me and why.

Please think about it. Talk to me.

Uncle Called

My uncle called me tonight from Hong Kong. He seems like the only one in my family who has any inkling of who I am.

His support and understanding brought me to tears.

Symbol of Youth

Cherish this hardship, for it is the symbol of youth, which will never return.

Conviction

I am proud of myself today for doing something for myself -- strictly for myself. I listened to my intuition and followed it. I gave it the answer it deserved.

This is part of my growth to love and respect myself, the path to discover my power and abilities. I have faith that I will do the right thing as long as I am true to myself.

My Human Drama

Human drama is always interesting. It is within this drama that new ideas, new aspirations and new chapters in life happen.

I have always wondered what would happen in my own story, my own drama. Would I become wildly successful? Downtrodden and sad? Would those who I love love me back? Would I be betrayed? Would I be happy?

Turns out, my life so far is even more interesting than I could ever have imagined. And the answers I've found out along the way would answer far more than just those questions.

From pedals of flowers, I realized the beauty and intricacy of life ... and it wasn't an accident (it's never been).

From the faces of clouds, I realized that all things are in transition.

From the coming and going of people in my life, I realize that I have been growing.

Life hasn't always been pleasant, but it sure has been the way it is for my own good. Its ups and downs created so much to be thankful for.

What Every Woman Should Do Once

My parents were nice enough to bring me the rest of my library.
Yep, books. My companions on this journey of growth.

At the bottom of a box, I found a little gift book -- one of those 5-dollar mini books near the check-out counter at Barnes and Noble -- titled "What Every Woman Should Do Once."

This is the advice it offers:

Make up an alias.
Skinny dip.
Insist on being called "Your Majesty".
Sleep out under the stars.
Start with dessert.
Be a diva for a night at a karaoke bar.
Act out a page of the Kama Sutra.
Call in sick and spend a whole day shopping with your best friend.
Own something leather besides a coat or gloves.
Date a guy you met on the Internet.
Give someone famous your autograph.
Write your acceptance speech for your "Woman of the Year" award.
Dye your hair blonde and see if they really have more fun.
Rent a convertible and go where the wind blows.
Have an anonymous encounter.
Adopt a pet.
Go commando.
Dance on top of a bar.
Forget what your mother would think.
Try on engagement rings, even if you're not in a relationship.
Send yourself a dozen roses.
Audition for a Broadway musical or a TV show.
Go skydiving.
Bet it all on black in Vegas -- and let it ride.
Go on a carriage ride through Central Park.
Be the boss.
Try on very expensive clothes in a boutique that you know you can't afford.
Invent an interesting past.
Talk in a foreign accent all day.
Write a scathing letter to the Editor.
Buy a round for everyone in the bar.
Smoke a cigar.
Run for a worthy cause.
Pamper yourself at an all day spa.
Have a three martini lunch and go back to work refreshed.
Create your own holiday and celebrate it every year.
Go without electricity for a night.
Wear fake eyelashes and send him come hither looks.
Make a voodoo doll of your ex.
Learn to tango.
Pretend you're a food critic at a trendy restaurant.
Make snow angels.
Blame everything on your evil twin.
Eat fast food all day.
Hire a personal shopper.
Wear a feather boa and movie star glasses to the grocery store.
Borrow a motorcycle and take the driver's seat.
Invest in a piece of art.
Flirt your way through a traffic jam.
Try a extreme sport.
Taste every variety of margarita.
Kiss a guy from every state.
Throw a silk pajama party and greet guests with champagne.
Go on two dates in one night.
Volunteer at a homeless shelter.
Take the credit -- and the compliment -- and say thanks!
Start a campaign.
Send a thank you letter to a mentor.
Tell a man you love him ... first.
Resist saying "I told you so," even if you're right.
Head to the airport and fly -- anywhere.
Walk a mile in someone else's shoes.
Ask your boyfriend to paint your toenails in exchange for the remote.
Remember the a la mode.
Own the perfect shade of red hot lipstick.

Pressure Cooker Xinjiang Province

Wondering what the next big regional political problem is?
It'll be in western China, the Xinjiang province.

Come on. You just can't have mounting pressure and suppression without expecting problems to explode.

Watch this video, then read this very short news flash.

Should We Stay or Should We Go Now?

History seems to be a repetitive cycle. And, unfortunately, if we don't learn that it is a cycle that needs to be broken, it will continue going round and round.

The current Iraq problem is an example, one that has been repeating itself since 694 AD, according to this article, then in 1920, and of course, now.

All Depends

Your happiness does not depend on beauty, wealth or "coolness."

It depends only in part on love and companionship.

But it truly depends on what your belief of life is.

ManCity has New Boss

Interesting.

Manchester City Football Club, a prominent and visible asset in Western culture and media, is being passed from one foreign owner to the next: from the hands of exiled former prime minister of Thailand to those of the ruling family of Abu Dhabi.

In fact, more than half of the 20 football clubs in the UK's Premiere League have bosses that are foreign investors.

Cultural intermixing via investment changes. Could this be the real sign of the world's paradigm shift?

Transit

Summer is waning. You can smell the change in the air: it is raw and sharp, like the shine of steel. The honey-like warmth of summer wind is losing to the winter wind's edge.

It's change.

The earth is in transition.

So am I.

Teenage Pregnancy Woes

I am honestly appalled that the news media has been covering itself with headlines of the pregnancy of Palin's 17-year-old daughter. I am even more appalled by people in politics using this as a tol to discredit Palin's character and her potential performance as VP. Really, this episode only serves well as a soap opera-like gossipy distraction from McCain's message -- and McCain's image as Bush's second. McCain's camp may actually get value out of this episode.

But ... back to the girl.
Life happens. Mothers have daughters, and daughters have their own. It's bad enough that the girl is facing a tough challenge in life right now. I can't imagine the pressure she is getting from just within her family.

To make an issue out of her life in the public limelight is out of bounds. She needs to be left alone.

Actually, Barack Obama says it best (and thank you, Political Fryer, for showing this video).