As of now

I spilled beer into the couch tonight. I felt really bad. New couches; new beer smell. Why did I mess up again?

I could tell it wasn't ok with Brian. Someone who was actually not too bothered by the fact would have said, "Oh, it's ok. Don't worry about it," especially after I offered to wash the couch cushion covers by hand. But the reaction I got was,

"No, just sit down."

Mind you. I'm not a dog the last time I checked. I just offered to was the cushion covers by hand.

"No, just sit. It's over." It's over? What's over? Why is it over? Who gets to decide it's over? Why him?

Yeah, I understand that he just wants to relax. I want to relax, too, and I wanted it to be a great night. But I just spilled beer into a couch, and I was and still am kicking myself for being such an idiot, knowing that the house and his things matter to him. I had to do something to make it better -- I offered to wash the couch cushion covers by hand.

But the reply I got was just to sit and that the discussion, as he said, was over.

Why does the discussion have to be over when he says so? Why do I have to sit because he says so? Why do all of these remarks seem so much like commands? Why do they seem so self-absorbed to me? How can I be gentle with someone when I don't feel being on equal plains?

Not ok, and very upset.

I yelled. I really was just trying to argue for what's fair, and just for him to decide the "discussion was over" really wasn't fair. But I think I came off as being a drunk ass bitch exaggerating a problem that's nothing.

It's 2:25am, and I'm still downstairs while he's upstairs ... sound asleep.

If it really matters to him, why wouldn't he try to talk to me? No, don't even have to try to talk; just come and invite me upstairs would be nice. Or even just to see what I'm doing downstairs, even just to see how pissed off I am.

But no. Sound asleep. I feel so bad, I almost think that I owe him to swallow my anger or question how I feel and wonder if I'm just hallucinating just because he let me stay at his house for free, just because he tells me he cares and would do anything for me.

Right. Anything but to think about how I feel. I feel awful for spilling beer into the new couch. I feel like such a burden to have to be moved out into his house. I feel stupid for not being able to help my own self. I feel like a total disaster of a daughter, sister, cousin, lover and friend. I feel like I'm not a 100% as a student. I feel bad for not being able to help him out when he's stressed out with a million things to do. I feel completely alone when I face my exhausting family issues because he has no idea how I feel and would not give me even a couple minutes of his day to just sit and hold me because he's "way too busy" -- and asking for it just makes me feel clingy and needy. I feel completely fat, nasty, weak, uncoordinated, small, feeble-minded, worthless and utterly and disgustingly ugly. I feel absolutely dispensible and easy to be overlook because I'm here everyday and have guaranteed that I will always be here. I feel that all I offer is a sense of comfort and am only good for chores ... only mediocre, at best. I feel like I am a complete failure for being where I am in life -- instead of being on track with a career and making money, I'm still sitting on my ass, going to school to "get smart" and incur giant sums of debt that will never go away. I am scared. I feel like I stick out no matter where I am -- how does it feel to be comfortable? I don't feel like I belong in this house and am having a rather lengthy transition to make this place my home despite my efforts: No, the house isn't mine. The room isn't mine. The food isn't mine (that's why I'd rather ask before eating anything). The Christmas tree wasn't mine. The stockings aren't mine, and certainly not the cat. (In fact, I find it difficult to find anywhere my home.) What do I have?

Sometimes I just wonder what a difference I make to anyone.

Life as of right now ... sucks.

To Me, His Hands

I have decided hands can
tell the story of people,
their experiences,
their work, their lives.

I have never seen hands like his.
Never.
The hands of a man that I'm familiar with
are pale and clean and uncalloused.
A little like mine.

His hands,
big, strong, with courage,
are those of a workman,
of someone who earns his livelihood,
of someone, with strength,
who holds on to the faith that
he can create his own destiny,
of someone who is curious and
passionate about exploring the form
of the world that surrounds him.

He shows me life
when he points,
gestures,
touches,
types,
makes,
cooks,
holds,
squeezes,
protects,
strums,
writes (though rarely),
waves ....

The rough edges, cuts and burns,
dirt that has permanently occupied space under his nails,
impenetrably thick, calloused, dark skin, ...
everything that does not belong to me,
everything that is imperfect,
gives me everything.

[Brian, to me, you are perfect.]

Unconditional Love

This is my take on blog about "Unconditional Love" on Women's Work. I don't know what possessed me to write something so sweet. hahaha!

[Brian, this is for you.]
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"Unconditional love" is just that ... unconditional. It's not a responsibility. There is no agenda. It is not valued by units.

It is a commitment -- a commitment so firm that you have no reservations even though you see the risks and the rugged road ahead, so clear that you will see life in its truest form. Yes, unconditional love is illogical, unrealistic, simple-minded and, in some people's vocabulary, stupid because it makes you feel that no matter the odds and the consequences, you will still prevail. It also makes you brave and courageous and do the unimaginable. It makes you ... believe.

I think if you are "stupid" enough, things might just work because you aren't "smart" enough to ...
- second guess yourself,
- second guess each other's love,
- assess the odds and conditions and interests,
- calculate the returns of investment,
- account monetary units of generosity,
- make prediction of - oh, who knows! -- fate will eventually tear you apart, so you should now prepare for crash landing.

Unconditional love is none of that. It's not from the brain; it is from the heart, which is why it's so hard to explain. It's not words, not numbers, not graphs, not visuals, not tastes or smells or any of that ... or maybe it's all of those things and more, that's why it's so hard to understand (especially if one closes off the possibility of unconditional love's existence).

Sometimes, I would like to think of it as Christmas lights. It's as if you are holding the plug for your string of lights, and you are trying out electric outlets for the right "click", for it all to work. Some outlets are such the wrong ones that they'll shock you -- OUCH!

At this point, you can either choose to give it up all together for fear that you will get shocked again, or you can keep going in hopes that you will see the beauty of that string of lights you got. If you give up, that's ok. Just walk away. Don't go pouring water on other people's outlets though. You just gotta accept that it's your decision.

If you keep going, however, just know that you might get shocked again and again ... and again. A couple of things before you charge on: Yes, in case you didn't know, you are on a "Mission: Almost Impossible ... but It's Worth It in the End". And each time you get shocked, it makes you crazier/more interesting and wiser.

When finally you find that outlet you've been looking for, you might feel like your cells have just been lit up like strings of Christmas lights, and everything just ... clicks. You will look at your transformed self and marvel, "All those times I've been shocked and almost electricuted are totally worth it."

Child Like Me

I must have ruined my life.

I must have ruined my life by being in love. I mean, LOOK! Why couldn't I have waited until AFTER school to be in a relationship? I have a choice, right?

And why do I have to be in debt? Why couldn't I have somehow paid my rent some other way ... like with the student loans that haven't come yet and not on the credit card, so that my parents wouldn't have to help me? Why couldn't I have talked to them earlier about needing some help to start being independent because asking my parents for help is easy and dignified, right? And why can't I just finish my BA? Now I'm in a grad program, and I will for sure have no success. I might even flunk out of it because I'm obviously incompetent.

Now I just have fucked up my life for good.

Look at everyone else -- so and so's daughter, cousin so and so -- they are all on their way to success -- at least that's what my dad told me. Why do I have to ruin my life and be defiant and wild and so non-compliant and do whatever I want without thinking about the consequences ... like foregoing my reputation by moving in with what's-his-face-that-friend-of-yours?

At least that's what my dad said.

Reputation. Even if I don't care about it, my father is certain that someday I will. But who is to judge me? Distant relatives? Friends of my parents? Who? Whose rude judgement will I care about? My grandmother? My uncles and aunts? Sure, I care about what they think! But they've lived their lives and have made their own decisions for better or for worse. Now it's my turn to live mine, right? So what do they have to complain about and be judgemental about?

Maybe the one who truly cares about "reputation" isn't me afterall.

Others your age are going places; now look at you!

[Where have I heard that before? Oh, I know. All my life.]

Others have such children, and I have a child like you. I am disappointed, he remarked.

Yes, a child like me.

Random

You know, there's a lot in my life that isn't going so well. And maybe what I think is "a lot" really isn't that much. But it still sucks.

Yet again, all of a sudden, I think everything will be ok. I will eventually be able to contribute, make a difference and be the person that I really want to be if I really believe in it despite what others say.

It just sucks having critical parents.

That's all.

2006 in review ... Thanks, Karen

1) DRINKING BUDDY OF THE YEAR?
Definitely my roommates -- Brian, Mark and Jeremy, too, even though he's not around most the time.

2) LIFETIME SERVICE AWARD - LONGEST FRIEND(s)?

In no particular order, I want the following friends to have this award:
Nora, Annie, Emily, Valerie, G, Steffani and Mary.
Thank you so much for being with me all the way.

3) NEWCOMER AWARD - NEWEST FRIEND?
Brian is relatively new, to be honest. Never thought we'd bond, but we did. Through the 10 years we've known each other, we have become better and stronger people through our life-changing experiences. And because of these transformations, we are more prepared to be together than ever.

Along with Brian, Karen is also new. But she, too, has a special place in my heart. I am so glad to have a seasoned and strong woman to look up to.

4) HIGH POINT OF THE YEAR?
There were about 2 months of peace between returning from Hong Kong and starting school. Those were about the most peaceful time in my life EVER. I realized so so so much about myself. They say you don't learn during happy times; you learn during sad times. I would agree that you learn during sad times, but I made a point to learn during my high point, too, and I did learn. It really depends on what you want out of you life, I've found.

I also must say that the start of my relationship with Brian was MONUMENTAL. I met the man of my dreams who will be there for me no matter what. He makes me feel like the luckiest girl on earth.

5) LOW POINT OF THE YEAR?
I was pretty miserable in Hong Kong, but it made me realize how much I have and where my home is.

I also must say that being in debt really sucks ... like right now. It always weighs on my mind.

Oh, and I still haven't reconciled with my parents. Still.

6) BEST HOLIDAY?
Chinese New Year in February was pretty cool. I liked watching the culture.

Fourth of July 2006 was the best ever. Wakeboarding and spending it with friends that I hadn't seen in a long time, Mark, Brian, Julia ... and it marked the beginning of my relationship with Brian. (Ever imagine coming home from abroad, meet someone you met in 8th grade, went to school together, grew up in the same environment together, and realize that, after all of our changes and experiences, he's the ONE? For all these years, he's just been there, when you think that Mr. Right is far far away ... probably doesn't exist?)

7) ANTHEM FOR 2006?
My Way ~ Frank Sinatra
It just tells everything. Look it up.

8) ANY REGRETS?
Still not on the same page with my family. Our values are different, lifestyles are different, views are different ... the only commonground is that we're family. But how do we manage these differences? How do we even begin to talk about it when talking is to risk being hurt? That's to be continued ....

9) BEST NIGHT OUT?
Oh, so many.

There were many nights in Hong Kong when I was out with the foreign students I met from all over the world. That was such a cultural experience!
Also my many nights at The Circuit!
Camping with MIM, my program.
Fourth of July night.
Brian's birthday/housewarming party.
Brian's Day After Friday the 13th party.
... the year's not over yet. Hopefully more to come.

10) WORST NIGHT OUT?
I really can't think of one right now ....

11) WHO DID YOU SPEND VALENTINES WITH?
Alone ... naturally. That was before Brian's time during my 2-year solitude.

12) BEST RELATIONSHIP?
With my friends and Brian. My friends. Oh my gosh. Where would I be without them? Without their support, advice and presence, I wouldn't even get past my family and start to be my own person. Brian. I know there have been rough spots, but nothing not manageable. We are such opposites, but we compliment each other. He is exactly what I am not.

13) WORST RELATIONSHIP?
Parents. I am still working on it.

14) FIRST GIG OF THE YEAR?
Does karaoke count? haha!

15) LAST GIG OF THE YEAR?
Uh, apparently I was singing at Brian's housewarming party. I was drunk.

16) BEST DECISION MADE THIS YEAR?
Three of them:
1. to be in school
2. to fall in love with Brian
3. to keep my friends close

17) WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR NEXT YEAR?
1. To get my finances straightened out
2. To graduate
3. To be on better terms with my parents
4. To have a job offer by the end of next year
5. To understand my strengths and weaknesses better

18) MOST STUPID IDEA WHEN DRUNK?
To be drunk on the vino to begin with, and knowing that I had school and a test at 9am the next morning. That was at Brian's housewarming party. I had class on a Saturday morning. Yeah.

19)DOUCHE OF THE YEAR?
Definitely Tommy B. from my grad program. He's a pervert and a potential sex predator.

20) MOST LOYAL FRIEND?
I'm lucky enough to have many of them. See the aforementioned bunch. I would also add Brian.

21) BIGGEST CHANGE OF THE YEAR?
Learning to be my own person
Learning to be in a relationship after 2 years of solitude
Learning to be a grad student

Dark Slumber

I had a bad dream last night.

I was playing with a balloon that went away up in the air. It was bright and pastel as I looked up to try to grab the balloon, I noticed Brian holding hands with someone with waist-length, shiny black hair. They were talking, laughing ...

I smiled. It was me, I thought.

But then I realized that wasn't possible because I was right where I was, trying to get the balloon that I was losing, and there she was, with hair like mine, holding the hand that belongs to the one I love,

but ... not me.

I tried to run up, but for some reason, I couldn't. My body didn't allow me. I could only watch them walk away, walk away happily, hands held tight.

There, I stood, in disbelief, alone, stabbed in the heart.

I woke up, and the dream just felt exceptionally light. Not the kind that would drag you down with thick and dark smug of monsters, but crisp and light and fair like late spring. So peaceful. So unexpected but natural. So heartbreaking. That's what scared me.

Slumber

I had a bad dream last night.

I was playing with a balloon that went away up in the air. It was bright and pastel as I looked up to try to grab the balloon, I noticed Brian holding hands with someone with waist-length, shiny black hair. They were talking, laughing ...

I smiled. It was me, I thought.

But then I realized that wasn't possible because I was right where I was, trying to get the balloon that I was losing, and there she was, with hair like mine, holding the hand that belongs to the one I love,

but ... not me.

I tried to run up, but for some reason, I couldn't. My body didn't allow me. I could only watch them walk away, walk away happily, hands held tight.

There, I stood, in disbelief, alone, stabbed in the heart.

I woke up, and the dream just felt exceptionally light. Not the kind that would drag you down with thick and dark smug of monsters, but crisp and light and fair like late spring. So peaceful. So unexpected but natural. So heartbreaking. That's what scared me.

Mildly Unamusing

I feel totally ugly right now.

That, and tired, unaccomplished, unintelligent, lost, dubious, frustrated, alone, etc..

I'm going to bed.

Not My Strongest Suit

If I lost sight of what I want and fell into a routine, would you still love me?

If I am unhappy, would you still love me?

If I had gotten a mental illness, would you still love me?

If all my hair and teeth fell off, would you still love me?

If I lost my health and became a burden, would you still love me?

If I lost my memory and intelligence, would you still love me?

If my face is badly burnt and barely reconizable, would you still love me?

If I lied, would you still love me?

If I hurt you, would you still love me?

If I hurt myself, would you still love me?

There are those that I would love no matter what. But on a day riddled with pessimism, I begin to wonder certain things about my life. The feeling of "nothing is so good it lasts eternally" looms and blows up into unproportionate size in a "cartoon-noir" sort of way. The idea of "Life is a transaction. If we lose our assets, we automatically become dispensible," begins to make more "sense", whatever that means. It's as if I saw the world through a crystal ball, and I see more clearly than ever what the secret truth is.

Trust has never been a forte of mine.

Not My Strongest Suit

If I lost sight of what I want and fell into a routine, would you still love me?

If I am unhappy, would you still love me?

If I had gotten a mental illness, would you still love me?

If all my hair and teeth fell off, would you still love me?

If I lost my health and became a burden, would you still love me?

If I lost my memory and intelligence, would you still love me?

If my face is badly burnt and barely reconizable, would you still love me?

If I lied, would you still love me?

If I hurt you, would you still love me?

If I hurt myself, would you still love me?

There are those that I would love no matter what. But on a day riddled with pessimism, I begin to wonder certain things about my life. The feeling of "nothing is so good it lasts eternally" looms and blows up into unproportionate size in a "cartoon-noir" sort of way. The idea of "Life is a transaction. If we lose our assets, we automatically become dispensible," begins to make more "sense", whatever that means. It's as if I saw the world through a crystal ball, and I see more clearly than ever what the secret truth is.

Trust has never been a forte of mine.

Antithesis

Last night, I told Jeremy: "My life sucks."
"No, it doesn't. You shouldn't say that," said Jeremy.

He's right. The minute it came out, I knew it wasn't true.

My life doesn't suck.
In fact, like Brian says, I'm lucky.

I have shelter. I have hot food (and cold, too, if I want it). I have someone who loves me more than so many other things in the world. I have support, and I know I can get it anytime I want ... and I can get a lot of it because so many of you would give it generously.

Oh, what's better? Drum roll ...

I HAVE CHOICES!

I can make my own decisions, no matter how joyful or how painful it can be!

I read that poverty is not just identified by monetary value.
Poverty means you don't have a choice in how you live your life.

You can't question what life means to you, how you live it, and what you can make it for other people.

When many of us think we suffer from doubiousness, we are actually exercising a kind of freedom ... we have the luxury to doubt!

What "sucks" is just that I feel sucky because I believe it's sucky because, whether I can verbalize it or not, I know what I want deep down, but I think I can't have it because I am afraid I might fall or disappoint because I have always identified myself with the way people think about me and their expectations and forgot that I need to empty my mind so that I can be move on without any thoughts holding me back.

Did that make sense??

What sucks even more is that, and I will be perfectly honest, I have been selfish.

Yes, me.
The "selfless", "generous", "gentle", "inspired and inspiring", almost "angelic" Elaine. *ahhhh ... the cherubs sing -- do you hear? don't worry; neither do i*

I have been focusing everything -- the good and the bad -- on me, when (after reading Karen's blog and EVERYONE'S comments and her replies) now I realize that I haven't given much ... to my family, to my friends, and to my community and communities with needs of which I am aware.

I remember in high school how I would volunteer and help. Even in college, I didn't teach just for the prestige (though I did benefit from that); I taught because I wanted to help!

Where has my spirit gone?
Maybe that's what I've been searching for all along when things didn't feel right for the last couple of years -- and still don't feel right.

Who wants to be nice to strangers with me?
Let's go and volunteer.

Abide by Chance

I read about a lady named M. Anne McConnell today. I came across an article about her because has had "a zigzaggy career". She is not afraid of trying new things and taking chances.

Here's what she abides by:

1. Know who you are and be who you are: Authenticity
2. Know what's right and do what's right: Integrity
3. Know what you love and do what you love and have fun: Passion
4. Trust your gut and intuition: Spirit
5. Always give others the benefit of the doubt: Respect

Solicit

Friends, I am in need of support right now.

Freak Out

I freaked out over something rather insignificant in the grand scheme of things last night.

When it comes down to the bottom of it, love, and only love, matters.

If you lose faith, like a friend once said, it could be a long drop from there.

Last Chapter

So I was going crazy because my life is a roller-coaster. I refused to do any school-related work. I allowed myself to be affected by the unpredictabilities in life. I allowed myself to be haunt.

The reality is that I just can't move forward because I never closed the last chapter in my life. It is virtually impossible to move on if you are not complete.

So I am going to take some time to revisit the last chapter ... and close the books on it. It's time I take that step without further ado.

Objection

Something is bothering me tonight.

I walked into the bedroom, and I heard a last-minute click on the computer.

I know that sound. It's the panic click!

It's always that sound of panic, and that thought of "Shit! Gotta go!" that I can almost hear the person breathe as I walk in that I am so familiar with. He's hiding something from me. I'm not stupid (contrary to popular belief, I'm not that gullible.). I've had people snoop around on my computer, or look at nasty porn on the computer and don't want me to know for fear of I-don't-know-what consequence, or talk to a lingering ex ... what-have-you. I've seen it all. And, mind you, none of these relationships worked out.

What's worse this time? He turned around and smiled innocently at me. He was consciously dishonest.

I could almost hear the sirens go off in my mind. I immediately started sweating. I actually trusted him 100%, even after the controversy over check-ups (or lack thereof), I thought. And -- look! -- I even moved in!

What, does trust and respect not mean anything anymore nowadays? Or has it ever, considering past experiences?

Every once in a while, I just feel benefit of the doubt I offer, coupled with my forgiving personality, gets taken for granted. I can't help but to feel that once I see one (well, more like 3 in my case), I see all.

Here's a rule of thumb:
What you do is your choice. What I do is mine -- I'll just try not to affect you as much as possible as I do whatever that I do.

But when you have to intuitively hide something you were doing, chances are you shouldn't have been doing it to begin with.

Of course, if it was a surprise that I accidentally walked into, then by all means call me out. I'm wrong. But then again, I'm pretty sharp about certain things. Less about intuition, but more about experience.

Questions

You ever come to a point where, just when you thought you had yourself all figured out, then one day, you realize you really don't?

Ever change so fast that you can't catch up with yourself?

Ever been hurried to grow up and feel like if you don't, you'll be left behind and get eliminated from the game ... like Survivor?

Ever feel like you made wrong decisions in the past that closed doors for you?

Ever lose touch your aspirations? Ever suspect that your aspirations aren't really yours but someone else's -- maybe your parents -- because they don't want you to make the same mistakes they did?

Ever want to halt what you're doing to make sense of it all, but don't know how?

Ever beat yourself up for not being passionate about what you're doing?

Ever think that your life is too complicated because you think too much, and wish that you could just stop thinking so that maybe happiness would come easier?

Ever feel like your life isn't colorful enough because you used your time to achieve instead of living life?

Ever feel frustrated because you don't like how things are going but you don't know what to do about it?

Shackles

Maybe studying accounting makes me philosophical. Maybe that's the magic of accounting.

What would you choose -- a simple life with a lack of aspirations or a life full of aspirations and unnecessary complexities? This is the choice I have to make to find my own path to self-actualization.

I was just exposed to the simplest idea last night. Brian told me that he's on track to what he wants out of life. He said he never really had much (career) aspirations; he just wants to be happy, fulfilled, healthy, safe ....

Happiness doesn't have to include complexities. It can come from the intangibles in life that are not measurable by things, resumes, certificates or dollar amounts.

It's not about how far you end up; it's about how you feel while you get there.

At that moment, I just realized that, just maybe, I have been thinking too much all along.

I also realized that I never once questioned the existence of my aspirations. To aspire for a grand career and the achievement of "great things" was never quite an option; it's an expectation. But lately, I've been questioning whose aspirations these are? Mine? My parents? Colleagues? Whose? How does it feel to have these aspirations? Do they bring me happiness or just the gratification of duty-fulfilled? Do they give me more insight into life and my heart or does it mask my feelings with a false sense of fulfillment? Is that why I feel trapped in between decisions, not knowing whether to follow the mind or the heart? And why am I here at school in this program? Did I do it to just find something to do, somewhere to go and to appease/pacify my parents? Is that why my heart isn't in school right now -- because these are not things I want to learn at the moment, but wanting to learn about the depths of my life instead?

Perhaps aspirations really are the shackles of the mind which is waiting to be freed by inspiration.

I am determined to seek the truth.

[I am grateful to have someone like Brian who can give me a window through which to see a radically different idea on life than my own.]