A Sigh

Sometimes, a lot like today, I get deflated thinking about what things I can do and what I want to do, what I should do to let my life pan out to its full potentials, and hoping for the future to work out in a way that will make me happy.

Sometimes, I just feel like I don't know what to tell the world (employers, especially) I can offer and trust that they will appreciate me. It's really a rough process to go through -- to innately believe that you're worth it even though all your life, you've been mostly under-valued and under-appreciated. You see, a lot of the times, norms, false perceptions and fictitious expectations drowns out your voice. How do I at least still hear my own through the noise?

Although it is by my own choosing that I should undergo such a process as self-empowerment, it still doesn't make the process any easier. Worse yet, the harder you try, the more you feel confused and drowned at times.

And what do I do? I just stop thinking about it, at least for the hour, or for the day, and try to find something else to do that it is more interesting at the moment, like eating, (definitely) writing, cleaning, maybe even stopping by Powell's at Cedar Hills later and then grab a cup of coffee on the way ... then hope that tomorrow, when you go back at it, will be better.

Brethren

I had a good conversation with my brother tonight. Just the two of us to dinner -- we had noodle soup. I didn't really notice until now that my brother grew up and really how different he is than me.

And I love it.

Carlos and Angelique

I met someone from Spain and someone from France today. I loved it!! They think I have very good diction and that I should start learning the languages again (thank God for singing lessons). Well, maybe I might.

And I will give myself kudos for being able to dissolve awkwardness, to mingle and have fun with relative ease.

Drought

Wow.
Tonight, I feel absolutely insecure for being single, alone, flawed, lost and tired. It's like the camera zoomed out suddenly, the mirage dissapated and revealed how enormous the barren desert of my reality is.

I think this calls for bed time.

Pledge

I'm determined to not put myself in any desperate and dire situations in the future. I have decided that I will try to find the best ways for me to explore, utilize and expand my potentials. I shall grow into believing that best of me, giving myself the benefit of the doubt the way I give others. I'm committed to taking accountability for my well-being and happiness.

Suddenly Enough

Strangely enough, suddenly, I want to feel intimately in love. Just standing right here, at the MAX stop, yes, just like that, I want to fall in love, head-over-heels in love again. But this time, I want it to be different. I want that eternal garden in my heart to awaken and bloom -- to burst, even! -- not just with bliss and pleasure, but with happiness. I am preparing myself for that day.

New News!

Theories state that, since humans have been observing dark energy, we may have reset the internal quantum clock of the universe, and thus doomed the entire universe to rapid decay.

Dark energy is basically the stuff that powers the universe, and somehow observation will make this "fuel of the universe" fizzle out even faster! At this moment (literally THIS VERY MOMENT), more than 70% of the energy in the universe is dark energy, and something more than 80% of the matter in the universe is considered dark matter.

Tangled Ties

Oh, how I love this.

My friend, Ken, is now in Japan. He is trying to wire money from his US account to his Japan account. This is his story:

"My US account won't allow me to wire money to my japanese account. I have to go into a Wells Fargo branch to do it ... but notice that I'm thousands of miles from the closest Wells Fargo. Wells Fargo says, "Have the Japanese bank (CitiBank) do cash advances against my check cards, transfering money immediately. But Japanese banks won't do that.

My Paypal account won't allow me to use Japanese banks, so i set up a new Japanese Paypal account, which needs to verify my Wells Fargo account, only it won't because i have a japanese address. I can write a US check to my japanese account, but it will take 1-2 months to clear."

Ta-Da! More than 6 decades of US-Japan economic ties, everybody.

[cue to APPLAUSE]

Bitch'n Fun at the Multnomah County District Attorney's Office

Well, work was no fun today ... as if that's a big surprise. Work at this office hasn't exactly been fun for quite some time now. I swear my optimism, good attitude and popularity amongst the deputy district attorneys piss the old office ladies the hell off.

And you know what I hate? I hate dealing with conniving people (aka. these psychotic office ladies ... and no joke, they have mental issues), people that take advantage of your being new and don't know any better until it is too late. They pick out what they don't want to do and then give it to you. Then, you end up with way more work than you are supposed to, and you aren't able to finish the stuff that you're supposed to get done.

To make things even more exciting, these people tell on you to the idiot of a manager that you didn't get your work done, as if you really had done anything wrong. The manager, being the old, fat, idiotic, insane female dog that she is, decides to lash out on you to exhibit how authoritative she is (most probably due to the large chip on her even more sizeable and pudgy shoulder). ... And why does she have to use the ellipses to the point where it annoys even me?? -- and I'm an avid ellipses user!

And what do you do? In a situation like this, where reason, logic, staunch work ethic, professionalism, courtesy, and an expected cognitive ability to operate on a level higher than 7th grade mean absolutely nothing, all you can do is to take it like a champ, and then bitch about it on a public blog on your way home.

(... Oh, and I just realized that I left my book at work. Ugh. Leaving things there make me feel uncomfortable, like leaving things of value at on a mine field.)

The Answer to The ’Life Question’

So if dark matter is cosmic mass that is invisible to us (due to its slow decay -- theoretically, it takes about 2.1 million-billion years for half of this invisible stuff to "disappear" -- therefore, emitting radiation at pretty much undetectable level), and if this invisible stuff called dark matter is what "magically" gives gravitational effects on galaxies and clusters, ...

... then I wonder if this is the same stuff that is used in what we can't explain ... the "everything happens for a reason," the "love will find a way," the "fate will guide you," the "it wasn't meant to be," and all the other cliches that we find to be all too convenient to explain all of our troubles away, and yet we can't come up with anything better.

Next time someone give you a cliche, just say its dark matter at work.

Whose Child is This?

How old are they? 20? 18? And what do they have to offer their 1-year-old conceived accidentally? The same irresponsible behavior they show on the MAX? The same language they use towards each other?

And, yes, I am being judgmental, but how can I not when I know that kids can be offered more?

When the child enters school and asks, "How tall is the sky?" what will his parents answer with? When he enters high school and asks, "What is love?" what answer will he receive? When he becomes an adult and needs advice on life and happiness, what council will greet him?

Shouldn't we have better to offer our youth? Shouldn't we consider what will happen to them when we are unprepared and careless?

Even though this small boy is not mine, still I feel partially responsible for what is already happening to him. I am saddened by our thoughtlessness as a whole.

I am REALLY going to bed ... after this one

Do you ever feel like you have so much light and energy and bouncing chemistry that the place you are at just can't hold it all anymore ... like a vital plant that has outgrown its pot?

That's how I feel.
I need to move.

I didn't and couldn't talk today. It made work so much better. Ahhhh, calmness overwhelmed me! hahaha!

Also, I've decided that Ashley E. and I will be writing something to remember our 20s by. It will be read aloud once more before we seal it, and it will not be opened again until we reach age ____ (to be determined -- who knows? 70?).

... Geez, I don't even know where to begin. Seems like so much has happened. But then again, maybe not enough has happened. Though, perhaps enough to lead us here.

Perhaps?

Factory Shuts Down!

Oh, and please go to bed early because your immune system shuts down at night to rest and revitalize.

You know, the factory must close at night ... so does your body.

Nighty night!

Wee Bit Nutty

Pictures in my mind look like Salvador Dali paintings ... or illustrations in children's books.

The Universe, for example, has a giant golden pocket watch that is the quantum clock just floating around somewhere. It has giant blankets for star dusts, plumes of black clouds for dark matter and dark energy, not unlike those in Lord of the Rings movies. The Universe also features innocent pastel yellow stars with rounded corners against a classy blue-ish purple backdrop. All is relatively quiet, and all ye curious people can hop from one star to the next and ride big blankets to visit the giant watch for fun.

(please don't put me in the looney bin ....)

The Accountability Contract

It's 8:20pm, and I should be taking a shower. But here I am, dinkering on the computer, where I found the following blog entry by my friend, Tammy. My decision to repost this is to follow in her footsteps to think of all of you, my friends, who are going through turmoil in life. I hope the blessings and good wishes included here will be of some solace on your journey.

This is called the Accountability Contract by Lisa Steadman

I, (insert name here), being of sound mind and healed heart, promise to be a worthy keeper of my healed heart. As keeper of my healed heart, I agree to the following:

*I will never again give my heart to anyone who is undeserving of it
* I will pay attention to relationship red flags as they are revealed to me and act accordingly.
* When Im ready, I trust myself to exercise excellent judgement in selecting a suitable candidate to fall in love with (someone who is capable of loving me on the same level).
*In the meantime, I trust myself to date (when I'm ready) and to be open to the possibilities.
*I am healthy and strong enough to endure dating disappointments along the way, and I will be able to differentiate those disappointments from actual heartbreak.
*I will not let any baggage from the past affect my future relationships. In fact, I have checked all unnecessary baggage and am now traveling with nothing more than a compact backpack of lessons learned.
*I dedicate myself wholeheartedly to living and loving life as it is right now (and fixing things that no longer work so I can live and love life even more!)
*I recognize that having failed relationships in the past does not make me a failure at love.
*I am now free to welcome (at my discretion) healthy, happy, whole love to my life.

Sign here ____________________

***** I am sure that many of you are looking forward to blogs about something other than my breakup. I suppose we can both be hopeful for that. When I read this passage, I thought of my friends. Those friends, who know who they are, who are worth more than their significant other gave them. I think of you, those that had to learn to let go of people who were not beneficial for their lives. I am lucky that I don't get the opportunity to have to "walk away" or to say "no". I know that many of my friends are at odds because their heart tells them to take him/her back while the mind knows better.

I'm a little relieved, okay A LOT relieved, that he didn't love me enough to want me back. I came to a lot of realizations about loving someone. If they loved you, they wouldn't have let you go. They wouldn't have risked losing the greatest thing in their life. You were it and they chose themselves. So it's your turn...

Choose you instead.

So many of my friends are also going through this heartache. I just starting to feel myself again. I hope that you have also. The book I strongly recommend is..
"It's a breakup not a breakdown"- Lisa Steadman. I know it sounds silly but it really hits to the core of what makes breakups so difficult. The craziness you feel, the dedication that you have to give up, the social stigma of being single (and old!) and best of all, how to appreciate life for what it is-and not what you've lost.

With love and care-
Tammy

When all things fail, there’s still Oscar

Some Oscar Wilde quotes I find mildly amusing:

• A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally.
• A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything but the value of nothing.
• A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.
• America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.
• Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.
• All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.
• As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.
• By giving us the opinions of the uneducated, journalism keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community.
• Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
• Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.
• Experience is one thing you can't get for nothing.
• Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.
• I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.
• I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
• I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.
• I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect.
• I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
• I see when men love women. They give them but a little of their lives. But women when they love give everything.
• I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.
• I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
• It is what you read when you don't have to that determines what you will be when you can't help it.
• Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.
• Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.
• Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people whom we personally dislike.
• Ordinary riches can be stolen; real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you.
• Our ambition should be to rule ourselves, the true kingdom for each one of us; and true progress is to know more, and be more, and to do more.
• Ridicule is the tribute paid to the genius by the mediocrities.

Sculpting Out My Own Life

I want to live an urban life: a nice apartment of my own, a little car of my own (leasing sounds like a great option even though I need full insurance coverage because then I can have a new one every couple of years, and I will still be under factory warranty), a couple of good cats .... (in other words, I want to live like my cousin in Seattle, hahaha!)

I want a career that is meaningful.

I want to lead a healthy lifestyle.

I want to be surrounded by interesting, genuine and worthy people.

I want to be able to travel when I want to.

I'm sure I will have more to specify, but that is it for now ... I need to go to bed.

My Parents

Even though I know my parents don't appreciate me for who I am and don't really know me for who I really am but their daughter, I still appreciate what they do for me.

Like right now, my mom is making food for us ahead of time, so that we'll have good food when they leave for vacation. (boy, it smells good)

Even though they don't know how else to be supportive through my hard times, still they do their best to be caring the way they know it.

I am so grateful.

Checking In

Tonight, I am still angry. I am still angry at the person that I didn't expect to be cruel, inconsiderate and irresponsible to me to be all of that and more. His voice is always in the back of my mind like a chorus of ridicule. It is always a struggle for me to quiet it down.

Tonight, though my anger is a lot more mild in comparison to what it was, still I can't say that I don't wish to teach him a lesson (be it my place or not).

Maybe I am still angry because I am still not where I want to be (even though I am beginning to go in that direction). I, however, forsee that my efforts to find my own happiness will not be futile -- at least I know now that I am so much better off without him. I will find a way.

Rat Race with a Hedonist

You can never love someone enough to make them happy, unless they know what makes them happy and how.

Even though I loved him with everything I had, it was impossible for me to make him happy because all he knew to do to be happy is to replace one short-lived pleasure with another. Eventually, I became one longer-lived short-lived pleasure, too, when he realized he needed to put in effort. But effort, in his mind, is pain. At that point, I became a dispensible liability to be replaced.

If having a meaningful relationship is one of your critieria for happiness, you can't possibly fulfill that criteria by having a relationship with someone who does not at least have an idea about lasting happiness.

Off to See the Wizard

A long time ago (well, in high school),
I used to volunteer a lot -- pretty much every weekend. And I loved it! I just loved it. I don't know why, but I did. You know, I actually have mostly forgotten how well-spent my high school days were. Sure, I had no adventurous stories to tell, no drunken bringes, no smoking sprees, nothing. But out of the mundane came these great experiences that shaped me in invisible and silent ways ... the goodness, the habit of finding meaning, the appreciation for life ....

But lately, I've been thinking about volunteering again. I'm now mobilizing a group of people to go at least once a month with me to get stuff done around the community. I mean, it's just a day a month, and most the time, it's not even a whole day's activity. And how well-spent is that time going to be? What else would we be doing otherwise anyway? Blog? Chat online? Wander around at the mall? Catch a movie? Sleep? Clean the house and say that you are busy (but just how busy are you really)?

So ... to add color in everyone's life, I've decided that we should go volunteer.

The likes of me

I think I lack rituals in my life. I lack the things that make my days regular, predictable, steady and foundational. I do whatever when the situation calls for it ... or when I call for it. I make plans, but I break them, unless I have to be responsible to/for someone else. Of course alternate plans are better than original ones, I thought to myself. Or else, why would I have changed my mind to begin with? No, I don't always operate like that, but ... more often than I'd like to.

Like, today. I wanted to look into my insurance stuff. I also wanted to look for volunteer opportunities (well, I did some of this). I made those plans last night. But now, I just want to fall back to sleep.

Psychologists around the world that talk about habits say that it's not because I lack discipline, but I lack ______. I don't think they really have a scientific conclusion for the likes of me yet.

So ... I need some rituals. I need something that vitalizes me. Let me think about it. I'll keep you updated.

Chameleon

In my sleep, I realized something. I realized that I change for others' sake too much and too easily. I am malleable. I innately know what people need, what they want me to be, so I change. I make people happy. I make a situation work smoothly. I have no self? No, this is my self -- I, the chameleon.

But that doesn't make me happy all the time. (Do I even need to count the instances?)

I wondered what if I have changed for my own sake? What if I innately know what I need, just like I know what others need, and conformed to that instead? Maybe I will be happier that way.

A Conversationalist

I am a simple, yet complex individual. No, not so much sophisticated (hehe!), but just complex ... busy-minded, so to speak.

I think I'm just one of those that can carry on an entire conversation all on my own. I can even go off tangent without the influence of anyone else -- I can handle that just fine.

I blog like I'm actually talking to someone (hence, this is the 12th blog since less than 24 hours ago), I trail off like I'm ....

I've also noticed that I'm even in therapy with myself. I read books on happiness, on music, on life's instructions, on the brain, on love, on GMAT, and I write about what I think. So I'm not happy? I'll read about it, think about it, and write about it. Then, the answer will come to me ... one of these days anyway.

And it's great! It's authentic. It's me being honest to myself by being honest with my writing that I share with others. I gathered that if I can't be honest here, I can't really be honest with myself.

I really like writing on here. There aren't deadlines, no topic restrictions. There is an audience, but other than those friends that I know are reading regularly, I don't know who else is reading, so I don't have to cater to them or subconsciously change my voice for them. This freedom ... I can't imagine finding anywhere else.

Jumble

Yeah, I'm sick. I have no voice, and I'm sick. My alarm clock keeps buzzing to hurry me to bed. But I am distracted by

thinking thinking thinking,

who am I,

I have recently begun to be excited about my life again,

where is happiness,

my cool MicroSD chip,

the insurance things that I want to take care of tomorrow,

the volunteer opportunities I want to explore,

books on my desk ... my GMAT workbook/

'Do It Now!' calendar guide/

"The Female Brain," by Louann Brizendine/

"The World is Flat," by Thomas Friedman/

"The Intellectual Devotional," by Kidder & Oppenheim/

"The Complete Life's Little Instruction Book," by Jackson Brown, jr./

"The Highly Sensitive Person's Companion," by Ted Zeff/

Saul Williams' poetry, ", said the shotgun to the head."/

"Happier," by Tal Ben-Shahar,

my future plans,

uncertainties,

my past,

my present,

my boards under my bed that I so want to ride,

love lost and found,

my stupid cough,

home and home life and childhood,

my writing and wanting to submit my writing but am too timid and self-conscious and unsure,

working out for a healthy body that I will be proud of,

&

the fact that I should be sleeping now ....

Time In Entry 1 (additive)

I need brain food. I need a way to grow. I need new perspectives. I am challenged daily, but I need meaningful challenges. I need hope. I need workable goals. I need ways to serve. I need to express and create. I need love. I need physical activities. I need meaningful relationships. I need simple pleasures. I need appreciation. I need freedom and individuality. I need community. I need good health. I need a good and peaceful environment. I need basic human requirements met.

There are many things that I need to flourish, but most of these things are abstract. However, they can still be categorized in very tangible ways:

Career and Income.
School/Knowledge Enrichment/Reading/Traveling.
Art/Writing/Photgraphy.
Climbing/Conditioning/New Sports.
Lifestyle/Environment/Nutrition.
Volunteer Opportunities.
Friends and Family/Life Partner.

With these seven things listed, I can access how much I have achieved, and what I need to do more.

My microSD

I am rather pleased that I finally used my MicroSD chip for my phone for the first time. Looks like my phone takes decent pictures (as long as they are not for printing - the pixels aren't big enough). I just need to make sure my hands don't shake.

This little tiny chip the size of my pinky fingernail holds up to 1GB of data. How amazing is that? It makes me so excited to think about it.

Have I told you how much I like technology lately?

My Symptoms Show

My parents have this funny idea that going to the doctor's will cure everything, including a cold (note: in case you didn't know, colds are caused by a virus, therefore, you can't cure colds). The fact that I haven't gone to the doctor's yet means I am not doing enough to take care of myself.

Colds, according to my parents, are also exclusively caused by not wearing enough clothes. For instance, my dad was able to diagnose the root cause of my condition by listening to my coarse voice.

"Ah, must be due to you not wearing enough ... your throat caught a cold." ... Obviously, he doesn't know about the force-kisser from LA I encountered.

My dad's diagnosis is a strange one. It comes off more like an interrogation than showing affection.

It starts off with:
"What's wrong with you? You sick?" after hearing from my mother that I'm not going to "drink tea" with them (which is a brunch meal that consists of dim sum) because I am sick. The thesis must be repeated, I suppose.

After my stuttering from being taken aback, he continues with:
"Have you not been wearing enough clothes? Caught a cold?"
"But I've been wearing my down jacket."

Disregarding my answer, he concludes,
"Ah, yes, it must be because you haven't been wearing enough. Listen to your voice. Obviously, your throat caught a cold."

What more did I have to say? Affection, right there. Served cold.

Perhaps Asian parents are just like that. Listening is a waste of time, a total American thing. "Stop talking and just do as I say" is their motto. Conclusions can also be drawn without a communication process because -- what do you know? -- they know everything already!

But see what happens now? We stay in our rooms while they complain that we're hermits. When we come out, they communicate with non-communication. When we leave the house, they complain that we're never home.

Hmmm.

Being Quite Bold

I am thinking about my future right now.

I actually am swimming about in some thoughts of not returning to the MIM program this year after all. There seems to be certain other things that I need to do before re-entrance. I know that I am on a time limit here, and I have just wasted about 20,000 dollars in tuition (which I will see if I can adjust my credits to use to my advantage somehow). But the first and primary thing is that I feel that I am too rushed right now. It sounds like a "bad excuse," but the reality is just that: I don't have enough time to regroup, and I don't feel that this is the time for me to wrap up my graduate studies. True, there are many roads I can take, like actually finishing up, but at the same time, I could go another route, couldn't I? Does it really matter which route I take, just as long as I'm going and going somewhere meaningful?

I have made mistakes before, and if this turns out to be a mistake, then it wouldn't be my first one, nor would it be my last one. So I wonder what the big deal is.

My cousin pointed something very interesting out to me the other day: I should "be like him" and work for an airline company. It sounds rather silly, I know, but the interesting thing about it is that I can work for Alaska airlines, for example, and live in Seattle or Portland, and I get cheap plane tickets. Remember how I want to travel? Remember that I want to live? Remember all that? Why don't I do something like that and live some life before I get too buried? Trust me. In the whole scheme of things, I will have plenty of time to join the rat race.

So right now, why don't I just focus on
- getting the UO gig done,
- getting my driver's license,
- taking the GMAT (if I want to),
- getting a new job that has something to do with traveling opportunities (if I want to relocate, that's an option),
- getting a loan to pay the 17,700 dollars I owe PSU (Bank of America will be more than happy to if I commit to paying back about 550 dollars a month for the next 36 months),
- and figure something out with my school program to reserve my credits for something else (if that's possible)?

Why don't I solve the problem by simplifying my life? If I don't think for myself and support myself in my endeavors, who will? I just want some relief and freedom in my life. I don't want to be chained anymore. It's been way too long.

Time In Entry 1

[All of my "Time In Entries" are my Harvard positive psychology exercises, starting with this one.]

I can't think of what happiness is in general terms without diluting it too much. It could be contentment to a certain degree -- afterall, without at least an ounce of contentment, where can you find stability as a foundation? It is exploration, pleasure, and other things that I most probably don't know about yet.

What could Happiness possibly be for me? I suppose words like emotional stability and inner balance, hope, exploration, understanding, acceptance and appreciation do a very good job to shed a bit of light on what I think Happiness might mean to me.

I suppose I can think back to a time when I was happy. I suppose I was happy. I was gaining emotional balance, my relationships with those that matter to me were on good terms, I have hope in what I do and what I will be doing, I was also physically active. On top of it all, it was sunny and warm. Interestingly enough, also I distinctly remember that I had a sense of relief, that things are finally working, and what didn't work out will work out eventually. My sense of happiness at that point, perhaps, was not without worries. While it does not negate that I was in fact happy, I think it could mean that there is room for improvement.

So that was May of 2006.

That delicate balance started to tip sometime at the end of June, when what they call "love stormed in." I watched my balance strip away. I experienced bliss, but I wondered if, perhaps, my inner balance was too high a price to pay. I was convinced that, in order to be in a loving relationship, I must give up something. It turns out that I gave up practically everything in hopes that the two of us could make something even better out of it. I experienced rather severe depression when I started realizing that the scenario of reaping what I sow was not going to happen. For a period of about 5-6 months, I was unhappy. I felt trapped, agitated, even angry. Moreover, I was bored. I was tired of how little I could do to help the situation. I was tired of living a routine, really. But slowly, I didn't even want to get out of bed. I didn't want to do anything. All of it because I lacked hope. I didn't see a way out. I didn't see a way to find more meaning and experience more of life. One thing for sure is that hope is something that adds to my happiness. I know this because after a painful and abrupt end to that hopeless, enclosed and dry lifestyle, I experienced a period of hope for several months. Though I was going through the pain of heartbreak, I once again saw hope. I was reacquainted with the rest of the world, and I was making more connection with possibilities and positivity than I had for the whole of the previous year.

And here I am, with hope.

I am know I haven't reached a point where I can actually claim to be Happy, but I know that I am now "happier than before." And I know what I need to do next to be "even happier than before:" I need to gain a sense of contentment. I feel that sense of unrest is still there. I need some relief to find the platform of contentment before moving upward continuously. Even though there are other areas of improvement, the primary unrest comes from school/career, financial stability and sense of independence.

Cranberry Brie Cheese Thing

By the way, I learned how to make this supreme Cranberry Brie Cheese thing last night. MMMMMMM! Love it!

Thanks, Selma!

Active

I got invited to go to San Francisco.
I got invited to go to Sunriver.

But on the same weekend!

Ahhh! So many choices, so little time!

PS. No snowboarding for me tomorrow because I'm a sickie and have no voice. Booooo!

Milestone

Healing:
Departure from "Team Sucker" to "Team Me".

I consider my ex-boyfriend laid-off ... by me. The team doesn't need unnecessary costs for worse output (thank heavens for sanitized business language to describe the most emotional things). Even though he made the decision to break up the team, it is I who decided to bring the remnants of the wreckage for use in the next project and beyond.

Last night, in a state of perhaps tipsiness, I heard myself tell someone, who commented that he's glad that I'm single again, that [leaving Brian behind] is probably one of the better decisions in my life. Moments later, I was surprised by my honesty. It is true, my decision to leave him behind in my life to free myself to move on and explore the abundance of options I have, be in the mutually supportive company of friends and family, to meet new friends, to seek answers to the "question of questions:" How can I be happier?

What could possibly be better than that? At 24, this is where I need to be. Knowing what I know now and having what I have now, I would never go back to where I used to be.

Hai-Ya! Kungfu Master!

I had a dream last night where I was actually a "kungfu master" charged with a secret. I had to go to other prestigious kungfu masters to test them out and see if they can handle the secret.

Now, see, that's all fine and dandy, cool dream, whatever. BUT!! The interesting part of this dream is that I was a kungfu master. I was GOOD at what I did. In all my other dreams that involve prowess of any sort, I was always barely hanging on.

I think this dream is telling me that I'm adopting a new outlook on life.

Lame Guy

OK. I hung out with someone I knew from college on last Tuesday. Really, I never had a good impression of him, but I figured that he would have improved after all these years, so, when he came into town from LA, I gave him my Tuesday night.

And, boy, was I wrong. This is probably one of the lamest guys I've ever met. That insufferable ego, unintelligible talk of, uh, nothing, and the worst of manners (too touchy-feely, force-kissing) ... I think he thought it was a date or something, when I thought totally different. Oh, and he had a cold. So I told him I had to go.

So now I got this cough and I lost my voice. Ugh.

Secrets to Being Happier

Do you ever ask yourself what Happiness is? Hap- from Happiness derives from the Icelandic word Happ, which is also the same root in words such as haphazard or happenstance. Happ basically means luck, chance, God-sent fortune. But can we really leave it up to chance to be happy? Is happiness really something we cannot help to find until it decides to find us?

So now, I've decided to embark on a journey to find my happiness, to answer in my own context what the deal is. That is the essential question, isn't it -- what is happiness and how can I be happy, and then happier?

For this reason, I am now reading the book, Happier, by Tal Ben-Shahar, Ph.D., a Harvard professor of positive psychology.

Some of my following blogs might be journal entries from the book's exercises. So pelase don't mind me. :)

Stand Up

I feel stronger now. I feel that I can embark on greater things now. I feel like I can pick up the pieces now ... and I feel like I can make better things out of them now.

I will do what I want to now.

A Modern Child’s Belief System

Yesterday, my 12-year-old cousin scared me.
She scared me with what she's been learning in school and in church.

She thinks that Thanksgiving is a tradition built upon a legacy of early settlers making friends with Native Americans. But the reality is Native Americans were slaughtered ... all 85% of them. The little paper Native hats they make are so innocent in comparison to the truth that it made me sick.

She also thinks that her lesbian PE teacher is gross. She told me that The Bible says that it's wrong (yes, she said "wrong"). I exclaimed, "What have they been teaching you??"

God is probably one of the most misunderstood (and used) beings EVER. And the Christian Bible is one of the most fundamentally dubious and violent pieces of literature EVER to build an entire religious belief organization around.

Ugh. Educating kids with crap. It's like feeding kids Micky D's every night and calling it good. We suck for not giving children any better. And I actually feel partially responsible for not doing better because I am now old enough to do differently.

If ever I have offspring, I will bring them up Buddhist and train them in Kungfu (or something) for inner peace, self-awareness, discipline and physical strength. If I have the means, they will also be travelling for new perspectives. They will be as multi-lingual as possible. They will be reading more than they watch TV. They will be close to family and a strong support system.

I want them to be badass freak'n kids not for competition, but to be able to stand up to waves and storms.

Travel Companions

On this Thanksgiving,

To those who have been there for me, have been true to me, love me:

Thank You!!

What would I have been without your support? Where would I have been and what would I have done?

My road would not have been quite as wonderfully rugged if I didn't have you to share with.

Took a Bite

I don't miss the time we shared together.
What I miss is the part of my heart you gouged out.

Don’t

Don't confuse self-love with selfish.

Contemplation

Today, I feel strange. I feel like this job I have is gradually getting in my way of doing what I need to do and what I want to do. I feel like I'm trapped in "bad vibe land." The job is fine, really -- you really can't expect too much from a low paying job. I just feel that it's not for me anymore. I took this job that has nothing to do with anything career-oriented so that I can heal. But now that I'm doing better, I feel that it's a drag. It's almost helping to prevent me from moving on.

I think I need a part-time job instead.

Seattle is Fun

Seattle was way way way fun. New people, family, partying, good food, good company .... Wow.

Friday night:
Car ride with Michael, Josie and Chad. We are now the Real Real World gang. This is a "game" simulated after the Real World series and the Survivor series, where strangers get in a long car ride together and drama ensues. The one least liked will be left on the side of the street. Of course, since we're all cool, no one got booted off. We ended up singing along to Broadway tunes instead.

Saturday:
Shopping. For earrings. I love earrings. I love love love earrings. Also went to Sephora for the first time. That store is seriously filled with estrogen. It's rather scary. Thanksgiving dinner. So much fun. Just running around with people, socializing, is awesome. Post-dinner clubbing events were also fun. Dancing is definitely something I like to do -- hmm, I might re-join the ranks of dance performance. haha! Also met a cute guy. I think my ManDar (short of Man Radar) is not completely broken afterall. Too bad I didn't have enough time, or else I would have packed him in a sack home with me.

Sunday:
Went out for DimSum. Went to the Seattle Library, climbed their outter wall, took pictures, and bought a pin that says "Reading is SEXY." Went to Babeland -- for those who don't know what that is, it is a "sex boutique." hahaha! No, nothing scandalous. In fact, it's really tasteful. Nice bright windows, happy colors, very open. None of that dirty feeling Castle gives you. RRW gang reconvened again to go home.

Next Friday:
MIM Thanksgiving Party!

Next Weekend:
More to come ....

December:
Turkey Fry in San Francisco ....

Look.

I am free.
I am alive.
I am good.

Look.
I am me.

Sia’s Day Too Soon

This is the lyrics to the song on my profile. This is how I want to feel when I fall in love again one day.

I am considering singing this song at a good friend's wedding. Every wedding deserves a good lasting song like this one.

(I have been having serious urges to sing ... just let my voice soar like it used to, like it can, like it would like to.)

Day Too Soon
sia

Pick me up in your arms
Carry me away from harm
You're never gonna put me down
I know you're just one good man
You'll tire before we see land
You're never gonna put me down

Oh I've been running all my life
I ran away, I ran away from good
Yeah I've been waiting all my life
You're not a day you're not day too soon

Honey I will stitch you
Darling I will fit you in my heart
Honey I will meet you
Darling I will keep you in my heart

You'll risk all this for just a kiss
I promise I will not resist
Promise you wont hold me down
And when we reach a good place
Let's be sure to leave no trace
Promise they wont track us down

Now I've been running all my life
I ran away, I ran away from good
Yeah, I've been waiting all my life
You're not a day, you're not a day too soon

Honey I will stitch you
Darling i will fit you in my heart
Honey I will meet you
Darling I will keep you in my heart

I've been running all my life
I ran away, I ran away from good
Yeah I've been waiting all my life
You're not a day, you're not a day too soon

Oh honey I will stitch you
Darling I will fit you in my heart
Honey I will meet you
Darling I will keep you in my heart

Cleansing

At first, I thought I'd do it differently this time: I'd remember him, I'd accept him as part of my "past life," I'd accept him as a "figure with meaning." But now I think, if I keep remembering him, he will continue to be alive in my life ... through me.

I know I can't completely wipe him away from my life -- the shadows of him will live on -- but only as reminders of how far I've come. I want to cleanse the wound in my soul of his dirt. I'm going to have for him a funeral, so what remnants that substantiate his existence in my mind will forever rest in peace, dead and gone.

Lots ov choclate fer me to aaaet

I ate a lot of chocolate today (well, more than what I normally would anyway, which is none). Oh man, KevHav's Trader Joe's 73% dark chocolate was HEAVENLY!

I also ate a cold slice of pizza for snack, which I don't usually eat. That was good, too.

But -- trust me -- I am still being healthy. Good golly, do I look SO MUCH better now! Maybe happiness really does something to ya! (by the way, my abs, legs and arms are better now -- stronger) Oh, boy, am I gonna look and feel even better. Teeheehee! Now I just wish that I can ride Johnny soon ... if the weather and time permits. :)

As for my social activity of the day, I went to a sustainability event with a few friends, made a few more friends, and definitely met a fashion designer. I wasn't really there for the networking but my own interest on the topic, but dude, it's so cool to know people from all walks of life. Now I know people from manufacturing to construction to retail to politics, the film industry, music industry, and literary field ... and all the way back to the ivory tower!

And I read today. I have so many books (an even bigger collection now!), and I just can't wait to finish them all! I am craving new perspectives and new ways to be alive.

Tomorrow night, I might hang out with my attorneys after work and then go home and bake a cake for this weekend's potluck in Seattle. Oh-so-excited!

Ahhhh, life is so awesome. I am determined to make it even BETTER!!!

This Makes Me Angry

Tonight, I heard from my friend that my ex "still wants to be my friend."

"Friend?" You've gotta be kidding me. (Who do you think you are??) I mean, when is this gonna be over? Treat me like shit, and then expect me to befriend him? And when I don't budge, he gives me the "why do you hate me" and the "you're so immature"? If that's not laughable, I don't know what is.

Has he no concept of what friendship means? He didn't treat me like a friend. He treated me like I was less than a person -- nothing but a piece of ass. His so-called "honesty" was a lie. How does he think people should be treated? Whatever happened to courtesy, care, commitment, respect and loyalty? What makes him think that he can gain my friendship without earning it? In mathematical terms, he is definitely on the far side of the negative end on the number scale. He takes friendship for granted and definitely my friendship for granted.

Everything that I invested in him, every breath that I spent on him was wasteful. What I gave was quality: it was what anyone can ask for. Yet, he took all of it for granted -- and he doesn't recognize it. After everything, I'm done. He doesn't deserve the good in me -- not even half an ounce of it. He had his chance, and he blew it.

So don't come asking me for friendship now. I refuse to associate with negativity, which he is full of, amongst other things. I won't be losing sleep over not associating with him and not having him in my life ever again.

My care, love, loyalty, company and companionship, wit and two-cents, and much more, are reserved for other people that are actually worthwhile.

Oh, and please. He knew his news would get back to me somehow. I wish he would just stop doing this passive aggressive shit (first, the phone call on my parents' phone. Now, this.). He just needs to go away ... far far far far away. (But I guess the likelihood of that is quite low since

Wordscape

I love books. I love bookstores and libraries. I love I love I love I love!

I love words. I love music. I love movies. I love pictures and colors. I love movement. I love coffee and tea. I love everything that has to do with creative expression.

I love learning. I love growth. I love exploration. I love adventures. I love pleasant surprises. I love smiles and laughs. I love imagination. I love beliefs. I love everything that has to do with opening up an enormous world of intangibles in the confined space of our heads.

I'm excited for the four books I just bought.

Shall Shine

I am preparing myself for your coming, your inevitable return when regret falls on you like a suffocating winter blanket.

They are right about you, my mother, Tammy, Nora, and everyone else ....

When the time comes, you will realize that I am the bright light I have always been, only brighter now. I will be the glorious phoenix from the ashes. I will be the graceful Untouchable.

Every tree has a hidden root to show at the perfect moment.

My strength, my will shall shine.

Definitive Strength

Ashley told me about the things we endure and what they mean about us. "... People in history are defined by their strength through adversity, how they handle being asked to face the impossible. We remember the heroes and the brave ones because they faced it and kept going."

Pep Talk

Nate says:
"I look SELF-CONSCIOUSNESS, ADVERSITY AND FEAR dead on and say BRING IT!"

AWESOME!!!

In My Old Age

In my old age, I want not only to be happy with what I have done, I want also to be content with the things that I have not done and that I never became. I want to accept my regrets, knowing that they are a part of life, that I should forgive and move on.

Here’s the Line

I will not go through life blindly.
I refuse.

I will not grow into a person that I regret being.
I refuse.

I will not settle on anything less than what I deserve.
I refuse.

I will not believe in reckless judgment of my character.
I refuse.

I will not let my fire be put out.
I refuse.

I will not allow my insecurities and desperation get the better of me.
I refuse.

I will let go of what needs to be let go,
but I will hold on to what needs to be held on to
tighter than ever.

After I'm done with cleaning my room and bathroom, I think I'll be ready for Johnny. I'll put on my St. Christopher seal around my neck and hope that he will protect me on my journeys to the beyond.

He looks so perfect just sitting there waiting for me.

Fleetingly

My heart instinctively exclaimed, but in a soft whipser, Home!, as I crossed 121st Avenue.
Reality sank in as I passed the street, just as his presence fleetingly passed mine, never to return.

Sepia and Burnt Edges

My memories are starting to fade.

What was so vivid just a couple weeks ago is now blurry and foggy. I remember I smiled, laughed, was loved and was something like happy. But I don't remember why anymore. It's like sand escaping through between my fingers. I don't want to think about the bad, and I don't want to think about the good either. I know he isn't thinking about it, so why should I? Why should I hold on to something that has lost its original meaning?

But I took away the scrapbook of our once beautiful moments together and of just how much love and dedication I gave ... just in case. Before I left, I just had a feeling that I will need it more than he does. My life will take me so far away from this, that I will not remember without a reminder.

How Do We Move On?

By separating the past from the present and linking the present to the future.

Des Changements

Oh my gosh. I'm so excited about my Johnny. I am also going to be investing in a gooood pair of climbing shoes soon. AHHHHH!

So many changes lately ... small changes:
Health:
- working out (start climbing again soon)
- getting healthier to stabilize my mood swings (liquid multi-vitamins are NASTY)
- (trying to) sleep earlier
Morale:
- thinking differently ... more positively
- appreciating friends and family even more
- feeling more beautiful than I did the whole last year
Activities:
- thinking seriously about writing
- finding new hobbies (and keeping/reviving old ones)
- VERY social
- getting back into photography
- getting back into climbing
- reading more (Chinese and English)
- learning weird facts (I love it ... history rocks)
- longboarding
- snowboarding
Relations:
- getting very close with friends and family
- making new friends
- building closer ties with people that I already know but never had the chance to get closer with
Finances and Career:
- saving money
- going back to school soon

Really, I'm just trying to collect my sanity, find the long-lost inner balance and improve it, and find better things in life to pursue.

GO DUCKS FOR NATIONAL TITLE!

Oh, shyt!

If the Ducks don't lose any games from here on out, we'll be playing for National Title!!!

And thank you, Illinois, for playing soooo well against Ohio State!! Good for you ... BETTER FOR US!

My Johnny, UAB and Novakane (mindless blabbering)

I found a new love.
His name is Johnny.

And I'm gonna ride him all day tomorrow.
Maybe all night, too.

:-D

Sorry, no boys. Johnny is actually my new Arbor bamboo longboard from my new favorite hang-out, Novakane, out in Clackamas.

So, today was fun. At noon, Jeff and I went out to Glenhaven Skate Park and the little one in West Linn with Novakane's UAB (Urban Assault Bus) to take pictures of candidates of the skate team that Novakane's owner, Jason, is trying to put together. And Jason totally reminds me of Skip in "Lords of Dogtown." Haha! Oh, and I think we're taking the bus up to the mountains, so it'll be hella awesome.

I just love what they're doing to keep the sport alive: they bought a short bus and painted it black, making it the UAB, keeping kids out of trouble, keeping kids interested. They're also doing a canned food drive for the Oregon Food Bank. I just love it.

What's also interesting is that I saw people of various ages skating, biking, roller blading and "scootering" at the parks. I also saw people of various different age groups there: little tiny kids, early teens, mid to late teens, even dads! Oh, and the dads are GOOD!

Then, we went back to Novakane Skate Shop. It's this cute little shop out in Clackamas, where I met Johnny and fell madly in love with him. Haha!! I also finally met Jeff's other sister, Jenny, and her husband, who also graduated from LO. So Jeff, Jenny, Paul (her husband), Melissa (Cupcake Meliska! - Jeff's other sister) and I all went out to dinner, had a grand time.

Today was just so much fun. :-D

Wonderful Tonight

I feel good tonight. At least just for tonight, I feel full. I feel free.

I am a free bird, I've realized. There are those that must be caged to feel at home, and then there are those that must be free to feel alive. I'm the latter kind.

There have been so many subtle changes I've made in my life lately, and I just wish I could list them all right now. But I am reserving that for another blog on another day.

It's been since the end of July, a bit more than 3 months, almost 4. I am proud of the progress I've made. To literally go from dead to alive is a miracle. I didn't get self-destructive, nor did I get desperate. I let it run its course. In the end, patience will be worthwhile. And this is a miracle made possible by my family and friends ... my CLAN, my PEOPLE!

Tonight ... I'm glowing tonight.

< 2000

I am 24.
I feel young.
I am young, but
I am old ... inside.
I am bound, but
I soar free.
I am 24.

And guess what?
I have about 2000 days before I turn 30.
(Let's see how I'll feel then.)

Glow

"You look good," said Ashley. "You look like ... you're just like glowing. You have that something I haven't seen in a long time."

You know, I'm actually the type that is constantly changing in some ways, subtle or not so subtle, but I am always in touch with who I am. It may not always seem that way, but I am.

Yet, now more than ever, I am truly giving myself more room to breathe. I am honestly beginning to feel that I am more "myself" now than I ever have been. It's in part due to recent changes, but mostly, it's due to the fact that I am making a conscious decision to believe in life -- whatever it is and whatever it may become.

What I've also been deeply touched by is emptiness. No, not my own, but others'. Emptiness is not what you don't have; it is what you cannot open yourself up to. Being open and receptive does not mean desperation -- doing anything (positive or negative) you can to fill a void. It's not about filling in a void; it's about creating a void to fill in. It means appreciating the whole wide world around you and, above all, appreciating the fact that there is so much more than what fills you up. This is what makes a person glow.

Soup Chef

My heartbeat still increases when I see his picture on other people's sites ... maybe in part due to habit, or maybe due to the fight or flight adrenaline, or intense anger, or lingering love, ... or it's just a confusing soup of all of the above.

A Private Affair

I am having an affair

with myself,

cheating on life.

Meeting You

I wonder who out there that I have never met is reading my blog.

Who are you? Introduce yourself. Why are you reading my blog? Why would you want to know about my life? What aren't you doing instead to meet me here on my blog?

Tell me.

Please leave a message after the beep.

[beep]

Pffft!

I paid a fortune to get a manicure and pedicure done. Take my word for it; it was a fortune.

And you know what? It really wasn't all that they made it out to be. Besides, I don't think I'm made for having my nails all nice and stuff: I ruined it before I even walked out of the place. Ugh.

I don't think I'm doing it again.

Your Beautiful is Different Than Mine

Aaron said:
"If we all looked the same, photography would be pointless."

Hmm. So maybe I do have a shot at being beautiful on the outside, too.

I see ...

Oh, I see. Now I get it.

It hurts me that he's sleeping with other people and seeing someone else (and so soon!) because I feel that he has casually given to someone else something scared that we shared.

Caged Monkey

He barked, "You're in no place to tell me what lessons I should learn!"

... except he has the life experience comparable to that of a caged monkey.

1+1=3

Truth, I am convinced, cannot be adequately expressed through words. It is something that must be felt.

Some have told me:
Sure, I can! 1+1=2

But 1+1 would = 3 if we had decided to call "2" 3 instead, wouldn't it? It depends on the value we denote on each word or symbol. But how you feel is what it is to you and you alone. It is your personal relationship with THE TRUTH.

Though, I must say ...

I wonder how the world would have been if we decided, say, "2" should be "3" instead.

1+1 would = 3.
We would have 3 dollar bills.

And where would that lead us?

What other minute differences would have changed our world and our lives? I wonder.

Pruney

I've never liked getting pruney.
I sometimes wonder if that's how it feels and looks to get old.

Splurge!

I went on a bit of a spree between last night and today:

I bought 2 pairs of heels (two totally different styles), a little bit of make up (foundation and concealer ... both organic), 2 skirts (6 dollars each though!), a shirt for work, 1 gift for friend.

Oh, and I also made an appointment for my first pedi- and manicure!

Wow.

How Far

Tonight, my friend asked me, "How far have you come?"

I said, "Well, I guess in some ways, I have progressed. I've grown tremendously in quite some areas. But I think I have stalled, too, in some respect, perhaps to give way to the growth in those other areas."

It's true. It's a balance based on my finite energy, the kind that guarantees I can't take care of everything at the same time.

My Heart’s Desire

Granted you can't always succeed,

You can still try.

Yes, I can do anything I want.

Entropy of Foreverness

I never felt complete or fulfilled with him.
But
I did feel happy.

I felt a sense of overwhelming comfort and contentment.
Not the "bad" kind of comfort and contentment, but the joyous kind.

Despite the resentment that I still harbor, I still know what I was attracted to, what qualities of his that I admire, and why I loved him.

Despite how he treated me in the end, there are parts of him that I love still.

And you know, I'm proud of myself for that. I didn't demonize an entire person. I knew the bad, but I never forgot about the good. And for this reason, I can't say that I hate him ... I don't. Even though what I gave him didn't mean as much to him as I had hoped or was led to believe, each day I am making more and more meaning out of however much he gave me, both the good and the bad, for better or for worse ... for better eventually, I think.

Though I doubt that I will ever completely forgive him, I still do wish him happiness ... everyone should be happy. If he can't try to understand the situation from a wholistic point of view, and if he can't give me an apology for the way he treated me, then I will just have to live without that. God knows I'm trying.

Maybe life is just like that -- you can't have everything you deserve.

Sticking It to the Man Whenever the Bank Opens Next

I am angry with my bank right now. First, they claim to have sent my checks to my old address. So, as a precautionary measure, they decided to open for me a new account and froze my old account -- and linked my debit card to that new account. All was fine until I finally received my checks (at the correct address, nonetheless), and, at the same time realized that my automatic deposited paycheck is going to my old, frozen account. So, I decided it was time for me to at least unfreeze my old account in order to receive my paychecks. To avoid further administrative errors, I decided not to close the extra account. But what I did not realize is that my new checking account that my debit card is linked to has NO overdraft protection my paychecks are automatically deposited to my OLD account while the bank linked my debit card to the NEW account. So even though I had only over-spent on one coffee, they charged me 20 dollars for that. And because I only check my account every 2 days, the transactions in between went unnoticed.When I first noticed it, I just thought that the overdraft will happen soon. Meanwhile, I transfered money over to cover for the cost. But they kept charging me and kept charging me, and somehow, 20 became 30 ... and when I checked today, I finally realized that tis new account, even though they saiid it is the same as my old one, it has no overdraft protection. So now, Im stuck with being charged with their administrative errors ... hundreds of dollars worth of errors! The bank will hear from me soon.

My Hands Told Her a Story

1.5 years ago.

Fortune-teller looked at my hands.
The lines told her the secrets of my life:
The secrets of the past, and
The secrets of the future.

Fortune-teller told me I have
the arc of creativity. But the
arc is not connected. She
told me to keep working at it.
The goal is to make the arc
full.

I think I will keep writing.

Hard-working, dedicated, you
love people, perhaps too much.
Use your intuition. It will
guide you.

Listen to my heart ... that's been
broken?

Beware of your health, she said.
Your health will affect the
decision you make.
Watch for head colds,
if nothing else, especially when
you are pregnant.

Pregnant?

Your feelings have been disturbed,
she pointed to the chains and crosses.
I remained silent.

7 years ... can it all stop now?

And do not marry before age 28.
Do not, she said.
Or you will never marry again.
You will never want to. You
will want to be you before you do.
You will learn before you do.

I will wait ... but wait for who?

I walked away, not believing.
Who knew just how
true she turned out to be.

Submissions

I keep wanting to submit my writing pieces lately ... well, today anyway.

But I am afraid to put myself through subjective judgment -- it's like putting my life under the microscope for someone who knows nothing about me to see.

... and I put every ounce of life and honesty in my personal writing.

Maybe that's what's stopping me.

Learning About Nothingness

I feel that I have been trying to defend who I am and arguing against accusations of who I am not quite a bit lately. No, it's not people around me; it's just the legacy left behind by someone in my past.

I think the underlying subconscious desire might be that, if I can disprove what he said about me well enough, then maybe the good things will come back.

I feel that no one escapes with no fault on their side, so I deliberately but subconsciously try to find fault in myself, to work on it, so that I could solve "the problem."

But, see, the reality is that he did not leave me because of who I am or who I am not. He left me because of who HE is. He did not abandon me because of my faults, but his insecurities that he cannot reconcile.

So, really, there is nothing to linger for: no love to share, no common future to look forward to, ... not even disagreements and fights. At this moment, what I miss the most is sharing our days with each other. Just a simple "So how was your day?" was exciting for me to look forward to. Like, today, I got a compliment on how I went "above and beyond the call of duty" and I will "go far in life". Instinctively, I thought to myself, "Oh, I am going to tell him about it after work!" Of course, that was only for a second, but that made me realize just how important that companionship was to me ... someone to share my days with.

But it's so hard to take in the reality of nothingness because how I feel isn't nothing to me.

Last Year's Christmas Stockings

I miss the Christmas stockings I made last year - those who know me would know that I don't do crafts much. But I worked so hard on them because, well, it was for love.

I miss seeing them hung up like a real family would.

This year, I am guessing that they will end up in the trash can (or, at best, be thrown in some unknown cardboard box in the attic somewhere just to be forgotten).