Finding Faces in the Clouds

1. What's in Life?
Religion or any other ideas and philosophy is nothing but an ornament in life, unless it's from the heart. It means you can't truly comprehend the meaning of life until you have hit rock-bottom and back.

2. What is Logic?
Logic is nothing but a learned set of management skills to make sense of what you observe and analyze in your surroundings.

3. What is Time?
Accordingly (re: #2), time is just rhetoric, putting words to each passing moments of our lives. Kind of funny: some people wish that they have 48 hours a day instead of 24. But then each "hour" in a 48-hour day would be half an hour in a 24-hour day. Everything just evens out, doesn' it? It's all perspective.

4. On My Achievements ...
My greatest achievement yet is to wake up to see the day, to feel love, to hope, to forgive ....

5. East Asian Politics
As a rising power, China needs to realize that it is at crossroads. It has a choice to make. They can make a consicous decision to change the world for the better.

6. US Hegemony and Exceptionalism?
The US will always be special, and no other nation will be the same. However, do not confuse that with US being "number 1". There is no competition. And it's not that kind of a game.

7. A Middle East Solution?
There have been many transgressions made during the Iraq crisis and crises in the Middle East. Most of these transgressions started with the difference in culture. I think one way for the US to pull out from Iraq is to allow the Iraqi regime to create a mediated dialogue other nations in the region that can identify with their culture to come up with a concrete agenda to at least ease up the current situation in that country. Do keep in mind that whatever conclusion these countries arrive at must be discussed at the UN because no country can realistically implement unilateralism in this interdependent world.

8. Comparative Cultures
Two ancient cultures, Iran (Persia) and China, with ties in the past, are so different to this day. What are their differences? Briefly:
- Iran's fundamental belief that church and state are inseparable, hence,
lack of checks and balances;
- Every culture has their mix of fatalism and self-determination
(patrimonialsm and legalism, respectively, as per legitimacy of rule), and
Iran happened to have a mixture that consists of more fatalism than
self-determination as opposed to China;
- Iran and China's level of difficulty of access to power as well as the role
of intellectuals are different;
- The two differ in their management of "chaos".

9. A Civil Society
There are many more tolerant and big-hearted people out there. It is when they start to get taken advantage of that the world starts to turn ugly.

10. Appreciation
THANK YOU, ALL MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY, WHO ARE THERE TO SUPPORT AND INSPIRE ME THROUGH THE UPS AND DOWNS OF MY LIFE! I LOVE YOU ALL!

Home is Where the Heart Is

Lately, I have been wondering about how my life has changed.

Going to school has always been a means for me to have a fulfilling career in service. I wanted to give myself and just ... dissolve ... in hopes that my life will make something positive grow. I was so ready to leave this life here behind and go far far away.

But now, I realize that things are ... different.

No, don't get me wrong; nothing can take away my desire to give. But lately, I feel the need to stay, for I have found my place here. I have found my heart a home, and I want to build on that ... because this makes me happy. Maybe all this time, when I wanted to go away, all I have been feeling is that I don't belong, and I felt like I needed to find my place elsewhere. And maybe all this time, I wanted to love but found no one worthy, that's why I felt that I should give myself and my life away.

But now, I want to stay because staying here gives my life life.

It's sometimes confusing. I am happy -- believe me, it just feels so natural. Yet, on the other hand, I sometimes feel like I'm letting some people down for not going somewhere "big" or "impressive", because I was supposed to "make a difference".

Funny to think that, while I regret to tell them that No, I probably won't be doing what you thought I would do, I am happy to free myself of that tether and finally doing something that I want to do and recognizing my reality. I know the risks that I am running, and I know this could break m heart. But no, I don't regret it. In a much less graceful way, it's my way of saying f-you, world! Hey, come on. Who ever said I am graceful anyway?

This is where I belong. This is the home of my heart. And I'd give everything I have for it to grow.

PS. Did you know? A good friend is one who you can enjoy talking to. A good lover is one who you can enjoy being silent with.

On that note, I'll leave you with something my friend, Jordan, wrote me:

I just don't believe in pessimism and self-hatred anymore, and neither should you. Everyone will want to tell you how things will go wrong, and how many hundreds of ways things could go sour. But you just gotta be fearless and say, "This is my reality. I decide who I love, when I want, where I want, and how I want. Everyone feels empty and estranged in love and out of love. You just have to manage how you want love to build you up and not break you down.

Reasons to Fight

I was feeling so so so unmotivated this morning (read previous blog). I've been way too comfortable and way too lazy lately. I decided that I should remind myself why I am here for and what I am working for, so I wrote this:

REASONS FOR BEING IN SCHOOL

9-26-2006

1. Service: to prepare for my future endeavor of promoting long-term sustainable community development and involvement

2. Career: to start an enjoyable career that provides financial returns so to pay off debts, support myself and my family (if that may be) and to fulfill filial obligations with relative ease

3. Learning: to fulfill my intellectual curiosity and excel with practice

4. Exploration: to expand my horizon by trying new activities and seeing through new perspectives

5. Networking: to make long-term connections with inspirational people

6. Self-realization: to understand myself better and to practice discipline, efficiency, intuition and critical thinking through commitment

[Nothing will ever change my desire to give, but now I have more to fight for: I have found a home for my heart.]

You know you want this. No difficulty will get to you because you are courageous and powerful, and you are supported by LOVE. You are a FIGHTER!

Real Time

Ok, I have school today (@8:30am), and I'm feeling especially unmotivated. It's like I just wanna go away and do something else ... travel or something. Ugh!!! I hate feeling lazy!

And Brian's house is way too comfy; I wish I'm living here. haha! I especially like it that I get to be there when he comes home.

Aight. I'm catching a ride with the neighbor, so I gotta go.

Sappy Crap

My excuse: I'm a girl. This is a sweet song. Reminds me of someone .... :)
(will sing at weddings; let me know. hahaa!)

Never Saw Blue Like That
Shawn Colvin

Today I took a walk up the street
And picked a flower and climbed the hill
Above the lake

And secret thoughts were said aloud
We watched the faces in the clouds
Until the clouds had blown away

And were we ever somewhere else
You know, it's hard to say

And I never saw blue like that before
Across the sky
Around the world
You've given me all you have and more
And no one else has ever shown me how
To see the world the way I see it now
Oh, I, I never saw blue like that

I can't believe a month ago
I was alone, I didn't know you
I hadn't seen or heard you're name
And even now, I'm so amazed
It's like a dream, It's like a rainbow, it's like the rain

And some things are the way they are
And words just can't explain

Cause I never saw blue like that before
Across the sky
Around the world
You've given me all you have and more
And no one else has ever shown me how
To see the world the way I see it now
Oh, I, I never saw blue like that before

And it feels like now,
And it feels always,
And it feels like coming home

I never saw blue like that before
Across the sky
Around the world
You've given me all you have and more
And no one else has ever shown me how
To see the world the way I see it now
Oh, I, I never saw blue like that before

Oh, I, I never saw blue like that

Be Gone

You know what? I just wish people in the past would just stay in the past. Be happy, but please just be happy somewhere else and stop being bothersome.

Just as you want to be happy, I want to be happy, too. Stop lingering to make me feel bad.

"Be gone"

... is all I have to say.

Unbelievable!

I am so serious. STOP IT, YOU PEOPLE!

I keep getting comments on how different me and my boyfriend are, and that it's not going to work out because of these differences.

Come on.
We obviously know that we're different people; we came into the relationship knowing that. I would add that it is because of our differences that we decided to come into this relationship together. We like the fact that we are different, and we feel that we compliment each other well.

The fact of the matter is that differences don't make or break a relationship -- especially not break. The two paths (work or don't work) are there equally. It's a 50-50 situation. But what determines the situation is how we manage our differences so that we can choose the path that is most optimal.

I know that this isn't going to be an easy relationship, despite how well things are going right now. But hey, who ever said anything is supposed to be easy, let alone relationships?

In a situation like this, communication and commitment are vital, so are boundaries and inclusion. What I mean is that there needs to be constant understanding of perspectives, hence communication. Boundaries are there to make sure two different people with different points of view can respect each other and their space. Inclusion means that we accomodate each other when we venture into each other's territories, such as mine with academics and his with ... well, all kinds of things that he does. Furthermore, we need to accentuate our commonalities. One way to do this is to make shared memories. Teach me and help me expand my horizon, and I will do the same.

Last but not least, commitment. A wise woman (Karen, that's you) once told me that there needs to be a common goal, respect for each other, deep love for one another, and the desire to be with each other. Desire. It's about how much we want to be in each other's lives that makes all the difference in the world.

I just feel that there's so much going for Brian and me in our relationship that people can't see on the surface of our differences.

I don't feel that I need to defend and justify my relationship. As in any relationship, investment or experiment, there is always the chance of failure.
The most important thing is that I LOVE THIS GUY and I've made my commitment to work this out.

So stop shitting on us and start being supportive!

Today is Thursday.

I don't understand how it still feels like a Tuesdsay to me.

One is a Fine Line

Some of us got to talking last night. Maybe it is impossible for us to love just one person for the rest of our lives.

But we do already love so many people: our families, our friends, old loves, new loves ... everyone fulfills different roles and needs in our lives. That, perhaps, is the beauty of being human: we have the capacity to love so many people and to embody so many things.

However, we are always in search for that One Love, that one person that will change our lives, that, together, we can make such happiness forever more.

When did we start doing that?

Personally, I think that it is highly plausible to be with one person for the rest of our lives if you permit yourself to do so.

My theory, and I will speak for myself, is that ...

In my lifetime, there are so many people out there that are capable of being compatible with me. It's a vast world; think of the possibilities and probability.

But I think what distinguishes one person out of the thousands are the decisions and choices I made in the past, as well as the decisions made by the people who have influenced by life. It takes a combination of my past and his past to bring us here, thereby ruling out everyone else.

And I know that there is only ONE and one ONLY is that ...

I only have one life, and I only have one self. I can only afford one man, therefore I only want one by definition of demand and satisfaction curve.

But the most important is that ...
I only want one.

And why is that so impossible? Why doubt that? After all, reality is what we make of it. If I want to love someone badly enough for long enough to last a lifetime, I can.

I will.

Restless me wants to train for sprints

I am considering starting running for endurance and speed (sprinting).

What do you think? How fast/far can my little legs take me?

At any rate, I think it'll help me get back in shape.

BESIDES, I wanna play flag football and soccer with the guys at school. I don't wanna be left out!!! hehe :)

(and I miss climbing!! I wanna climb REAL ROCKS!)

I really like being active. Well, I never did, but being emotionally OK with myself definitely helped me open up to all kinds of activities and new relationships with people. It gives me a brand new perspective on life in general.

I BLEED GREEN AND YELLOW!!!!

34-33 DUCKS

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKS!!!

Oh Man. Such a Good Game!!

0:46 left ...

The Sooners are getting screwed over by the refs, I gotta say.

BUT HELLA GOOD GAME!!! GOOOOOOO DUCKS!!!!!!

Ducks for Free

Can someone tell me what the hell is up with Oregon's turnovers??? All four of them?? What was it -- 2 turnovers for 10 points for FREE to the Sooners?

We dominated in the first half, but the second half is just painful. We couldn't follow, and when questioned, we couldn't answer.

But still, props for giving them the first half of their lives, and way to hussle even with 1 minute left.

In the Silence of the Night

I like writing in the silence of the night; it makes my thoughts ring like music and my visions like art.

Tonight, I realized many things.

But above all,

I realized that I am what my parents secretly wished they were, but never will be. I have what they never could have.

I am their imagination, their bravery, and their vision, recklessness, their voice, and their casual air of disregard.

I am their optimism, their hope for the good, their courage to understand and embrace, their sense of wonder, their "valley-girlness", and their ability to appreciate the small things in life.

I am their generosity, their adventures, their romanticism, … and, hell, even the sense of humor they don't have.

It's as if they have taken all those things that they aren't and couldn't be, mixed them up, and pushed and pushed … and pushed them out

into me.

Epilogue:

I just had lunch with my parents today. I hadn't seen them for 2 months. Well, as you know, my parents and I aren't exactly close. I do try to understand them, but sometimes, conflict of interest do stand in the way. Not only that, but also some fundamental differences. But I love and respect them anyway.

Sometimes, I think that my parents live with logic, doubt, cynicism and fear. They are products of their time, their environments, and their personalities. What fears they have are very relevant to their lives and lifestyle, while those fears may be entirely unfounded in mine. As parents, they tried and still try zealously to transfer those fears to me. It is so that I would not make the mistakes that will lead me right into what they fear to be the end. They seek to protect me, to make me safe, but at the expense of my taking chances, letting go, trusting and having faith in people and life … and love. The choices are to live a safe life or a colorful one. My choice is obvious, for here I am, writing this to you.

And life goes on. I continue to be fearful at times, but I am trying not to. Many of the fears I have are indeed from experience – bad things do happen sometimes, even more often than preferred. However, though I have lived most of my life with insecurities, one thing that nobody – not even my parents – could relinquish is hope. I still hope for better days that I will come out winning in this battle with doubt and fears. I still hope that trust and faith and love will prevail in my life. I still hope that one day my parents will start to understand our differences and that their fears are not mine.

I read somewhere that maybe mistakes are what make our fate, that if we did not veer off course, we would not fall in love, have babies, or be who we are.

If that is so, then I think I'm ready to make a mistake right about now.

In the Silence of the Night

I like writing in the silence of the night; it makes my thoughts ring like music and my visions like art.

Tonight, I realized many things.

But above all,

I realized that I am what my parents secretly wished they were, but never will be. I have what they never could have.

I am their imagination, their bravery, and their vision, recklessness, their voice, and their casual air of disregard.

I am their optimism, their hope for the good, their courage to understand and embrace, their sense of wonder, their "valley-girlness", and their ability to appreciate the small things in life.

I am their generosity, their adventures, their romanticism, … and, hell, even the sense of humor they don't have.

It's as if they have taken all those things that they aren't and couldn't be, mixed them up, and pushed and pushed … and pushed them out

into me.

Epilogue:

I just had lunch with my parents today. I hadn't seen them for 2 months. Well, as you know, my parents and I aren't exactly close. I do try to understand them, but sometimes, conflict of interest do stand in the way. Not only that, but also some fundamental differences. But I love and respect them anyway.

Sometimes, I think that my parents live with logic, doubt, cynicism and fear. They are products of their time, their environments, and their personalities. What fears they have are very relevant to their lives and lifestyle, while those fears may be entirely unfounded in mine. As parents, they tried and still try zealously to transfer those fears to me. It is so that I would not make the mistakes that will lead me right into what they fear to be the end. They seek to protect me, to make me safe, but at the expense of my taking chances, letting go, trusting and having faith in people and life … and love. The choices are to live a safe life or a colorful one. My choice is obvious, for here I am, writing this to you.

And life goes on. I continue to be fearful at times, but I am trying not to. Many of the fears I have are indeed from experience – bad things do happen sometimes, even more often than preferred. However, though I have lived most of my life with insecurities, one thing that nobody – not even my parents – could relinquish is hope. I still hope for better days that I will come out winning in this battle with doubt and fears. I still hope that trust and faith and love will prevail in my life. I still hope that one day my parents will start to understand our differences and that their fears are not mine.

I read somewhere that maybe mistakes are what make our fate, that if we did not veer off course, we would not fall in love, have babies, or be who we are.

If that is so, then I think I'm ready to make a mistake right about now.

Wings

(This one's for Brian.)

For the first time, I decided not to revolt.

For the first time, I decided not to fight.

That's almost revolutionary for someone like me, who is always on the defensive, always ready to detach and run, always afraid that something bad will happen, ... I have the wits of a household cat.

You know what it feels like? It feels like have dark matter inside. And it grows. It doesn't stop until you decide to spit it out. (You know what I like to compare it to? Like coughing up phlem when you have a cold.)

So on Thursday, I decided that to do just that: I coughed it up. It wasn't anything aesthetically pleasing, and I certainly wasn't graceful. For someone who expresses best with words, the medium of my thoughts escaped me and left me stuttering and mute. I guess my purpose of discussion wasn't to communicate; I just wanted to get something out so that I could move on with you.

I told you what I had been dealing with for the past month or so. No, actually, what I'd been dealing with since day 1. So to have heard from you first hand and non-pretentiously how you feel was poignant. Fear dissipated. I seriously have never felt so ... light. It's like you took the lead off of my shoulders and gave me wings. I have never felt so ready to let you show me what I've never understood and what I've been missing. It took me two months. I guess I'm just someone who have always lived with insecurity, someone who needs more reassurance than others. I might even think it's an accomplishment in and of itself. I can only hope that I make you feel like you are the man that you want to be. I'll be there along the way for you.

And after all that, I had the best Saturday with you.

I love happy endings.

Zinedine Zidane

Could someone care to tell me what Zinedine Zidane was thinking out there when he head-butted the Italian dude???

Hey, end of the World Cup, that means the Olympics have gotta be coming up here soon. YAY!!! I love group activities. :-D

The Sound of Silence

I decided to be lazy today.

Well, not lazy. More like active meditation. Yeah, that's it.

Have you ever tried just being silent? Just to be quiet. Just stop talking. Just stop. Open your eyes, your ears, your mind, your senses, your intuition.

Sometimes, the sound of silence speaks louder.

The Sound of Silence

I decided to be lazy today.

Well, not lazy. More like active meditation. Yeah, that's it.

Have you ever tried just being silent? Just to be quiet. Just stop talking. Just stop. Open your eyes, your ears, your mind, your senses, your intuition.

Sometimes, the sound of silence speaks louder.