Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Home is Where the Heart Is

Lately, I have been wondering about how my life has changed.

Going to school has always been a means for me to have a fulfilling career in service. I wanted to give myself and just ... dissolve ... in hopes that my life will make something positive grow. I was so ready to leave this life here behind and go far far away.

But now, I realize that things are ... different.

No, don't get me wrong; nothing can take away my desire to give. But lately, I feel the need to stay, for I have found my place here. I have found my heart a home, and I want to build on that ... because this makes me happy. Maybe all this time, when I wanted to go away, all I have been feeling is that I don't belong, and I felt like I needed to find my place elsewhere. And maybe all this time, I wanted to love but found no one worthy, that's why I felt that I should give myself and my life away.

But now, I want to stay because staying here gives my life life.

It's sometimes confusing. I am happy -- believe me, it just feels so natural. Yet, on the other hand, I sometimes feel like I'm letting some people down for not going somewhere "big" or "impressive", because I was supposed to "make a difference".

Funny to think that, while I regret to tell them that No, I probably won't be doing what you thought I would do, I am happy to free myself of that tether and finally doing something that I want to do and recognizing my reality. I know the risks that I am running, and I know this could break m heart. But no, I don't regret it. In a much less graceful way, it's my way of saying f-you, world! Hey, come on. Who ever said I am graceful anyway?

This is where I belong. This is the home of my heart. And I'd give everything I have for it to grow.

PS. Did you know? A good friend is one who you can enjoy talking to. A good lover is one who you can enjoy being silent with.

On that note, I'll leave you with something my friend, Jordan, wrote me:

I just don't believe in pessimism and self-hatred anymore, and neither should you. Everyone will want to tell you how things will go wrong, and how many hundreds of ways things could go sour. But you just gotta be fearless and say, "This is my reality. I decide who I love, when I want, where I want, and how I want. Everyone feels empty and estranged in love and out of love. You just have to manage how you want love to build you up and not break you down.

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