This Week

So I think planning things out publicly will increase accountability and transparency.

Monday
11am: Global HR project meeting @ 2nd floor of library
12:30pm: Meeting with Sean for Global HR meeting update @ 2nd floor of library
2pm: Global Accounting project meeting @ SBA 4th floor lounge
3pm: Meeting Brian outside of SBA to go home
4pm: Sign up for Marketing group
5pm: Start Chinese homework
6pm: Dinner
7:30pm: Pumpkin Carving!!
*I really wanna go to the corn maze. :-(

Tuesday
6:30am: Arrive on campus; finish Chinese translation homework
9:00am: Chinese listening homework
10:00am: Study for Accounting quiz; take accounting notes for open-book
1:00pm: Chinese class
2:30pm: Marketing project meeting @ SBA 4th floor lounge
3:15pm: Meeting Brian at SBA to go home
4:00pm: Study for Accounting quiz and work on Project Management homework
5:30pm: Dinner
7:00pm: Pass out candy while studying! And don't forget to do financial aid stuff.

Wednesday

Study for Accounting and HR. Start on Marketing Icebreaker assignment.
Chinese assignment.

Thursday

6:30am: Campus; study accounting
8:30am: Chinese class
10:00am: Prepare for marketing class
12:30pm: Marketing class
5:00pm: Fooood!
7:30pm: Soccer
9:30pm: Shower and stuff
11:30pm: Sleep

Friday
8:30am: Prepare for accounting quiz; read HR material
12:30pm: Accounting class; quiz first 45 minutes
5:00pm: Get a ride home (anyone?)
6:00pm: Red Cup Friday!
12:00am: Sleep

Saturday
7:00am: Get up; go to school
8:00am: HR class; quiz during first 30 minutes of class
2:00pm: Meet Brian at SBA to go home

Up 'til Friday

I've kind of decided that maybe it'd be fun to write out what my events are for the rest of the week.

It's 10:30 pm right now, and I'm typing away. I'm gonna finish up here, go take a shower, and then get to bed.

I'm gonna get up before 7 tomorrow, send Brian a nice text for the day, and finish my accounting homework.

9:30am, break time, during which I will be doing my dishes and taking care of some laundry issues (the issue being I have a ridiculously huge pile of it!).

10:30am, read some more, make sure to be prepared for the guest speaker and the project details. Oh, and don't forget to check out what's going on with HR (errrm, I don't think I'll be bonding with that teacher much; you always know when the chemistry isn't there).

12:15pm, I'm going to set out for class.

5pm is when I get out of class. Hopefully, I'll get to go to Brian's ASAP! I need to get out of here. It's like home over there for me now. I love it ... I love him (and the cat ... we're one little family). Oh, and I need to grab my laundry and the red rice!

Yay! Happy!

About Mike

Just a real short one.

For those who don't know, my friend Mike LeChevallier is travelling through Africa on a Watson Fellowship (very prestigious!) to study inculturation in the Catholic church right now for the next 9-10 months (he's been there since August).

If you know Mike and would like to read his blog to get an update on his journey, check out: mikeintranslation.blogspot.com.

Mike is a very insightful, observant and thorought thinker, also a very good writer. I'm sure you won't be disappointed.

Until Spring

So he gave me until February/March/basically spring to move in with him.

"Why?" I questioned.
"Because that's what people do when they're in love," he replied.

So that's just the way it is, huh? I don't know, but I think I need a better answer than that. And no, I don't have an answer in mind.

"Just think about moving in?" Ok, I'll definitely give it the consideration it deserves, but until I come up with something, I just don't understand why I have such a problem with moving in.

I told him it's because I want a place to fall back on. I mean, every woman needs it. ... Right? At least that's what my mother taught me.

But no, now I realize that's not it. I'm not moving in not because I want to have a place to fall back on. I actually don't think I'll be needing that in this case. Besides, I have other options.

Is it because of transportation, that it's convenient to live on campus?

No, I'm not necessarily worried about that either. It's only a sub-problem under a larger context, which I am having problems identifying.

What about soverignty? Am I afraid of losing freedom?

Well, then again, if I am that scared, I wouldn't have been in this relationship to begin with.

Am I testing the relationship with unnecessary distance?

If that's the case, then I probably should move farther away to get more accurate results, since Portland and Tigard aren't that far apart.

I don't understand. Maybe I'm getting insecure because this is moving all so fast. Maybe just the fact that I have fallen completely head-over-heels for him so quickly went beyond my calculations. Maybe I don't ever want to risk changing any of this because it's so good.

Maybe it's just none or all of these things. Perhaps the bottomline is that I'm not ready to make such a change in my life yet ... to give up my (crappy and expensive) studio apartment willingly even though it's just a symbolic icon of my freedom and nothing substantial. Maybe I'm just not ready to give up being "me" yet. Undeniably, the point of living together is to sacrifice at least some sense of individuality to create some form of a hybrid entity mixed by the hand of what we might call Love. In this case, from "Elaine" to "Brilaine"

I think deep down, I'm still cautious about this Love thing that is meddling with my life right now. I don't ever want to be torn apart or abandoned or anything you can insert [here] .

It's so conflicting. Believe me. This guy ... he's something else. It IS tempting to just move in, to just dive in head first, to just risk it all ... my heart, my soul, my belief in the good of Love, and everything else I've got.

But I'm just afraid that I'll realize I don't know how to swim just after I dive in. Should I expect him to jump in and save me? Coz the ocean doesn't have a lifeguard, and I know it's much easier to just let me drown.

[Ah, me and my insecurities.]

Feeling Miserable (no one loves me! Boooo!)

Well, here I am. I'm trying to finish up my econ test, so that I can work on other stuff.

I'm exhausted. EXHAUSTED!

Well, I guess I will have 3 hours of sleep if I get to it now, get up at 3:30, and power it through. I have work from 9am to 1pm. Ridiculousness!!!

I'm glad I have all my MIMers to go through some of the things with me. Hey you guys: thanks for staying up with me!

I CAN DO IT!!!

This is what I have left to do before the end of the day tomorrow:

1. Political Science paper on Japan (2 pages)
2. The rest of my sustainability paper (8 pages)
3. Econ final (many problems, due at 1pm tomorrow)
4. A soccer game tonight at 7:15 or 8:15 (my respiratory system may not like it, and I'm out of shape ... bad)
5. MIM stuff (I need to start calling prospective students today. I'm guessing I'm going in for work around 2 oe 3)

OK. So here it is. Five things. Only five. I can do it. Oh, I so can.

Just Because I Can Doesn't Mean I Should (a little help?)

I am a very very bad procrastinator, who is very very good at doing quality last minute work, a skill that I developed through my undergrad years. The fact that I have been trained as a performer since I was 6 doesn't help either ... you really have to think on your feet. It's called improv.

Most of my quality papers -- even work that have been published -- are last minute jobs. All of my jobs in the past have required lots of improv work and thinking at the last minute. I mean, why not? I can do it! In fact, some call it a talent!

But lately I've found that this isn't going to work. The fact of the matter is that maybe all the things that I have handled before have been easy. Or maybe what I am about to handle is going to be hard. One way or another, the corporate world is not going to be forgiving and cater to me.

I KNOW for a fact that I have the ability to be organized and be on a schedule. That has happened before. But it seems that I have always needed special inspiration to do it -- if the problem is challenging enough, it'll entice me to get a head-start; if I am emotionally responsible to a certain duty, I'll do it as soon as I can so as to be praised (I'm attention-driven). But you know what? The world is not always going to go my way. I can't always be picky with what situation I get myself in. I can't always do whatever the hell I want. Just because I can doesn't mean I should.

I can't make excuses for myself anymore. I need a change. I need to change. I need a little help.

Part of a Letter

"... I am really amazed by the fact that I am back again after leaving LO for so long. It's been years. I left, cutting off some ties, retained some valuable one, gained different perspectives, discovered unknown aspects about myself, ... and here I am again.

Brian showed me some pictures of high school last night. I saw a bunch of people that were bound together at that stage in life. Strange feeling it was to realize where we have arrived now. I thought I would leave and never come back. I thought I'd go far, far away. But maybe I went too far and made a loop around back to where I started. It made me appreciate the things that I gathered in LO, and the things I gathered beyond LO, because now I have more than what I started with. ..."

Drama and Me

I don't get it sometimes.

I am glad to lead a relatively drama-free life. To refuse to be a part of unnecessary conflict, I even went to the lengths of leaving the country for half a year to gain new perspectives. It worked. I came back, and nothing mattered quite as much anymore. What was is no more.

How can you be who you truly want to be if you are constantly surrounded by the same people who always cause you the same problems, who limit your freedom and liberty, who take away your right to choose, who always remind you of the grief you went through in the past and never let you completely heal? Maybe I don't understand, but maybe I understand too well, that's why I question with all due respect.

How can you grow if your perspectives are limited by the same mundane views of the same people around you, perspecitves that keep circulating round and round and round? How would you know that the views you have are just that ... views, with no room for growth?

Perhaps my life has been boring. I just walked the train tracks for the first time 2 months ago. I just walked a dog for the first time a week ago. I touched the first shot gun recently. I went canoeing for the first time 2 months ago. ... Really, I have been sheltered.

But within my own sheltered life, I did go through a lot of less innocent events, my choice or against my will. I have also seen many things about people, about culture, about the conflicts and dichotomies between ideas .... So perhaps I'm not so sheltered after all. I am just boring and timid, if you measure me against standards that are applied generally to a different lifestyle. But if you really open your eyes, ears and heart, you might find something interesting, defiant, rich, and colorful behind what you see from your own tinted lenses ... that is, if you are willing to step back and pay attention.

This isn't the last for today ...

I'm sick, and I've been trying to work on this paper on Wal-Mart for a while now. How and why do I get sick when it's crucial??? This is gonna be a long long long week. To top it all off, there was no hot water out of the tap this morning. Something wrong with the plumbing again. I swear I'd move out if only I had a feasible alternative place to stay.

Now I'm stuck in a room, dealing with life, with stress, and the claustrophobia I never thought I had. Ok, maybe it's just loneliness (somebody, write me a message!), a craving to be taken care of, yet conflicted because I know I can and should take care of myself. That, my readers, is called confusion.

And you know what's worse? At this moment when I'm supposed to be working, I keep getting all sorts of thoughts about other things that make for perfect blog topics. In case you haven't noticed, this is my fourth blog of the day ... and counting. Epiphanies seriously come at the most inconvenient times. Luckily, I type just about as fast as I think. Sometimes I just wish that someone would pay me to write my blogs. Do you know how successful I'd be? 4 pieces a day ... hmm, who's hiring me?

Frick'n A. You guys are gonna get tired of me pretty soon here.

6 Things that Turn Me the Hell Off (Thanks, Karen)

(MySpace tag) Guys, if you want me to shoot you down with a shot gun (ok, think metaphorically), do the following:

1. Talk shit about other races, other genders and other people in general.

Come on. Enough said. Totally self-explanatory. You talk shit, you eat shit. Do not mistake for one second that this makes you "cool". Do not cause any unnecessary drama because I will not tolerate it.

2. Be bossy and give directions unsolicited as if you know that much better.

The funniest thing is when your directions turn out to be wrong. If I need help, I'll ask. I'm not egotistical ... like you are.

3. Try to get me drunk.

What are you? A pervert? Yeah, I knew it. Get your filthy hands off me. I know it's on my ass.

4. Try to tell me that my boyfriend is not good enough for me.

Oh, I've had this happen to me. Result: he got yelled at. So ... what, you think you are capable of being better for me then? Don't you even dare. It's my choice to make, and I've made my choice ... and I'm happy with it. Whoever that talks shit about my boyfriend has just opened a large can of woop-ass.

5. Express directly or indirectly that I'm weak because of who I am -- a girl.

Just because I can control my temper and my tongue doesn't mean I'm timid and afraid to express. Do not confuse understanding as a sign of weakness. I am tolerant, accepting and understanding. But also remember: I can kick your ass ... any day, aight? Ok, good.

6. Be a cocky dumbass.

People who don't know good enough to tone it down, be humble and are not afraid to show just how dumb and shallow they are tick me off. I am so embarrassed for you. And do not, for one second, think that I'll let you get away with discrediting me or anyone else who is entitled to their educated and logical opinion because I didn't get my education for nothing. I'll frick'n school you.

7. [BONUS!] Ask me my opinion and then tell me what my answer is.

Well, see, if you wanted to know what I think, ask. But once you asked, you need to let me answer. Don't go:
You: "Would you like to do this today?"
Me: "Sure!"
You: "Nah, actually, let's not. I don't think you'll enjoy it."
What the hell is your problem?? Frick'n fake democracy!

If you have any time, I tag Nora, Megan, Mary, Natasha, Valerie and Annie.

I'm My Knight

Brian left.

The love of my life closed the door before leaving for work, kept me in the house where I felt safe and at home. I just hope that he won't get hurt at work today; I know how hard he works. That's why I get up no matter how early it is to tell him I love him before he leaves ... maybe for my peace of mind that he knows I do. I think I'll make him dinner tonight.

Comfortable on a Monday, when most working people aren't, I laid in bed this morning at 5:45, thinking. After deciding what I should be for Halloween, I thought about other things, like career, life, school ... things that I dread thinking about because the unknown has been weighing on me since I don't have an answer for any of those things.

Won't someone take it away?

No, it's just me. I'm my knight. Not you, nor you, nor you ... but me, because you can't save me in the life that I live. I won't dump my responsibility on you.

I've been running into trouble focusing lately. I think it's mostly because I'm suddenly losing career direction. Where do I want to go? What do I want to do? Honestly, graduate school opened my eyes. No, I haven't seen THE TRUTH quite yet, but it definitely opened up a door to many questions about corporate America and the measure of success in relations to happiness. I think it's time for me to do some re-grouping. I need some inspiration and guidance.

As if fate has something to do with it, I ran into this site on CNN.com on the annual Most Powerful Women in Business Summit:
http://www.timeinc.net/fortune/conferences/womens2006/women_home.html

[Fellow women, check it out. Meanwhile, remember all the successful and strong women all over the world in business, in power or in villages, in poverty, in your home or in your heart.]

Powerful women. It's not easy. How did they get there? How did they get that drive and not settle? How did they come up with the determination, courage and persistence?

I honestly don't know. I'm still in the process of finding myself. No, not that I don't understand myself, but I still don't understand completely. Maybe that's what my life is for. I just hope that it won't be too late when I finally have that epiphany or enlightenment, like the "Ah ha! I got it!" that comes the moment before I die.

I have a loving family -- not always perfect, but I know how lucky I am. I have devoted and loyal friends, without whom I would not be here right now. I have the most perfect significant other I can ever ask for; no, not perfect perfect -- no one is -- but he is perfect for me. Truly, I have everything I need to succeed, but why do I feel so stuck? People see so much in me, almost betting for my success, and I ... well, I just don't know. I can only put up a face and say, "Yeah, I'll be doing this and that and be successful and make a bunch of money and do a lot of good," when in fact I may not even want to do that.

Not that I don't want "a whole bunch of money"; I know the conveniences of money -- that's why I hate it; it's coz I can't live without it. And not that I don't want to do good and serve my community of which I am a part, as I am service-oriented and a defender at heart. But what if I want to

get married and stay at home and take care of the kids and worry about the cat and plan on getting a dog and do the dishes, laundry and learn new recipes, like I never imagined ever wanting to do?

No no, I'm not saying that's what I want to do for sure, but what if? What would you say to me? I'm a nerd, and I enjoy learning, but does a nerd necessarily have to do what nerds are "supposed to do"?

So here I am. I want to see what is so special about US' 50 most powerful women and see how they realized where to go and what to do, how they balance success and happiness, how they value external expectations and internal desires. Did they want to be someone else before they got to where they are?

I know I didn't do as good as I should have this first term. But hopefully I'll be able to do better next time around. It's not the end of the world, right?