Saturday:
DimSum with John
Rock gym with John
Shower
Coffee with Emily
Sunday:
Snowboarding at Timberline
Wii at Robert's
Monday:
New year's Eve ... so many offers, haven't made a commitment other than the one with Emily.
SNOWBOARDING IS SO MUCH FUN!!! I'm going again on Sunday!!!
I had an enthralling experience over the weekend. I FINALLY went to the rock gym on Friday, as you know. It took an invitation from an "old flame," with whom I went to prom with (my sophomore year). We hadn't seen each other for 10 years. (We went for some Chinese brunch first, then the gym.) It was a lot of fun ... not really because of the climbing yet since I'm still out of shape, but because I feel like I'm revisiting the life I used to live a year and a half ago. I was like waking from a deep sleep. I also tried slacklining ... and helped an 8-year-old girl on the slackline. The whole experience was just something else.
After that, I had coffee with my old roommate, Emily for a couple of hours. Hmm. Where did I even get that energy? hehe! We hadn't seen each other for about half a year, but just like you and me, even though we don't see each other very often or even talk very often, the bond is still fresh every time we do. We had a very very good conversation.
Then, the weirdest thing happened. My friend, Nathan, decided to tell me that he really likes me. Well, see, we went out on a "date" on Friday. Oh, and tonight, he decided that if he is going to stay in Portland, I'd be a reason why he'd stay. Romantic as it is, I have my life to work on. Don't worry, I'm not getting into another relationship right now ... and for the next however long it takes to build the Elaine that I am going to be.
Sunday morning, I decided to go up to Timberline with my friend, Selma, who is much older, and is like an older sister to me (she's got a very similar background as mine). This was my first time snowboarding ever .... EVER! It was just and amazing experience. You know, I have never naturally picked anything up very quickly; I've always had to really work and really learn. Well, ok, except for throwing spirals with a football ... THAT I picked up rather quickly, and totally caught the boys at school off guard. But snowboarding ... I got the hang of it within the first hour. It was sooooo weird to just let my body and other parts of my brain do their on thing. It was like a trance, such that when Selma talked to me about how impressed she was, I could not recall what exactly it iwas that I did, what learning techniques, what I was thinking, etc.. I totally surprised myself -- my reward for doing new things for me. I cannot imagine what else I can do but have never known my entire life. I'm proud of myself.
I'm going up there again next Sunday. I'll let you know how it went. :)
Be proud of me.
I have been afflicted by a sort of ailment with the kind of undeterrable long-term pain that no painkillers can ease.
Find yourself doing the things you swore you would never do, face things you didn't think would ever happen to you, realize the colossal amounts of boldness and blindness involved to perservere and to brave through the roughest patches of life, be overwhelmed by how much you know and how much more you don't know, then you will finally start to realize how small the world in your mind is compared to the real thing.
You're welcome. I was just cleaning out unwanted pictures. But since Sean's your friend, I wanted to offer. They were a pain in the ass to send.
So let me cut to the chase, why don't I?
I think when I read what you wrote, I was unsure of your motives: What do you mean by "good terms?" Why do you want that? You didn't seem to want to be "on good terms," judging the way we parted; why would you now? Remember? You assumed the worst of me. You assumed that I'm not good enough for you, but really it's quite the opposite. You didn't even treat me like a friend. Breaking up is not even the issue here; it is the way you treated me. You treated me less than you would a real person; you treated me condescendingly, like a problem, like trash. And let me remind you that I wasn't just any other girlfriend; you supposedly intended on "marrying me." So what happened there?
I can't help but to point out the part that amuses me the most. It is when you said that if I can't be on good terms with you, YOU won't hold it against me, as if YOU'RE the one to make the call. Brian, you've got it completely backwards. Undeniably, you behaved irresponsibly and treated terribly me, the one who was completely loyal to you and loved you with her all. So stop putting yourself on a pedestal and start owning up to your behavior. You don't have to always appear strong or always be in the right. It's OK to say you're sorry and mean it. No one worthy will make fun of you.
I am sorry Speedy passed away, but I am glad to hear that everyone is doing well. For all it's worth, my living situation is good because I am living with my parents by choice, even though I can well afford to live on my own.
I am eating very well, and, many others and I know, I AM great. Instead, I hope that you're working towards being great yourself.
~ e
----------------------------------------
> From: h8mysk8@hotmail.com
> To: skycrystal@hotmail.com
> Subject: what's new
> Date: Wed, 26 Dec 2007 18:06:53 -0800
>
>
> thank you for the pictures. i hope santa brought what you wanted. i must admit that i missed having a tree this year, but with no one to decorate it, what's the point.
> how is school, how is life, how is living with your parents? barable i hope. when you decide you're ready, if you do that is, i would like to be able to talk and for you to be able to be on good terms with me. if this isn't possible i understand, and i won't hold it against you.
> speedy died two days ago. the whole 55 gal tank got a parasite commonly known as ich(ick). i was very sad, as i'm sure you will be. i'm treating the rest of the tank, but have lost two other fish. arthur, delano, and kyle are all well. phillip and sara broke up a while ago and i never see either of them anymore.
> i hope you're eating better than when you lived downtown and i hope you're working towards being great.
> -brian
The fact of the matter is I am tired. Hell, what are you wagging your finger, telling me that I should live every minute as my last for? If you will step inside my life, you'd see that my life is probably not going to end soon, and neither is all the crap that goes with it. If life will end in the next 10 minutes, I'll call it a liberation. But we all know that things are never that easy .... Yes, I am tired of rescuing everything like it's the last I will see of it. Who knows? Maybe I will indeed get lucky, and it will all be over before I know it.
Daniel Gilbert's Foreword for "Stumbling on Happiness"
On imagining our personal futures:
What would you do right now if you learned that you were going to die in ten minutes? Would you race upstairs and light that Marlboro you've been hiding in your sock drawer since the Ford administration? Would you waltz into your boss's office and present him with a detailed description of his personal defects? Would you drive out to that steakhouse near the new mall and order a T-bone, medium rare, with an extra side of the really bad cholesterol? Hard to say, of course, but of all the things you might do in your final ten minutes, it's a pretty safe bet that few of them are things you actually did today.
Now, some people will bemoan this fact, wag their fingers in your direction, and tell you sternly that you should live every minute of your life as though it were your last, which only goes to show that some people would spend their final ten minutes giving other people dumb advice. The things we do when we expect our lives to continue are naturally and properly different than the things we might do if we expected them to end abruptly. We go easy on the lard and tobacco, smile dutifully at yet another of our supervisor's witless jokes, read books like this one when we could be wearing paper hats and eating pistachio macaroons in the bathtub, and we do each of these things in the charitable service of the people we will soon become. We treat our future selves as though they were our children, spending most of the hours of most of our days constructing tomorrows that we hope will make them happy. Rather than indulging in whatever strikes our momentary fancy, we take responsibility for the welfare of our future selves, squirreling away portions of our paychecks each month so THEY can enjoy their retirements on a putting green, jogging and flossing, with some regularity, so THEY can avoid coronaries and gum grafts, enduring dirty diapers and mind-numbing repetitions of "The Cat in the Hat" so that someday THEY will have fat-cheeked grandchildren to bounce on their laps. Even plunking down a dollar at the convenience store is an act of charity intended to ensure that the person we are about to become will enjoy the Twinkie we are paying for now. In fact, just about any time we WANT something -- a promotion, a marriage, an automobile, a cheeseburger -- we are expecting that if we get it, then the person who has our fingerprints a second, minute, day, or decade from now will enjoy the world they inherit from us honoring our sacrifices as they reap the harvest of our shrewd investment decisions and dietary forbearance.
Well, it turns out that this Christmas is a really hard one for me. I don't really know why ... or maybe I do, but it's just too complicated. It's a time when you're "supposedly happy and thankful," but what I'm supposed to feel only puts more pressure on me, and in turn makes me feel quite a bit worse. It also stresses me out to think that maybe I'm just worn out from keeping a positive outlook, and the "real depression" is now just setting in.
What's worse is to feel like my life isn't going anywhere ... and this probably has nothing to do with where I'M physically going. This stalling in life is exacerbated by hearing how happy my ex is and how well he is doing -- actually makes me feel like the reason why I was dumped and all the things he said about me is real.
To top it all off, I haven't told many people about my intention of not going back to school, when many of my friends who are from the school program I was in are counting on me to get back ... many will be disappointed, even think I'm foolish. This makes me feel very isolated.
No, I didn't do anything for Christmas. My family gave up on celebrating it. My parents went on vacation and came back recently. They didn't feel like celebrating. My mom, however, cooked up a storm, which is good. But no tree, no decorations. BUT! I did give myself a huge present -- this MacBook that I'm using right at this moment.
I wish I had a stocking stuff that includes something to dispel my blues right now.
But hey, only 3 hours and Christmas 2007 will be gone forever.
Wow. When did I start to become this incredibly depressed, overwhelmed with hopelessness and self-deprecation? Maybe it's the holiday season? Maybe I've just been holding up so stubbornly that now I'm just starting to get worn out?
I don't even know what it is anymore. I am having a hard time focusing my energy to pinpoint what it is that is pulling me down down down. At a time like this, it almost feels like it's everything ... and me. I fear that I have entered the solitary night of deep wintery darkness, of what is worse than a violent, engulfing storm -- a bitter and deafeningly quiet chill.
How will I come out?
I think I have something of a crush on this certain someone, and I think he knows. For all it's worth, I think the feelings are mutual. Instead of being very excited, it's really been bugging me all weekend.
I don't get it: what is this? High school? Well, maybe I AM emotionally stuck in high school. Who knows? Even middle school! I mean, I expect complete commitment and devotion -- how ridiculously middle school romantic is that?
Yes, I once refused to believe it, but now I know that the older we get, the more judgmental we become and the tighter we cling onto what we think our lives should be like. We let go of all the "forevers" and "nevers," and let them stay behind in our youth, our memories, allowing them to become nothing but fables and myths. We leave all of it with the "summer skin" we shed. We are left naked, desperately seeking security at all cost, even when it is at the expense of others.
I don't know what all this really has to do with my having a crush on this wonderful person, but maybe, in some indirect way, that's my way of saying I'm totally not ready to open up, and I feel safer with my own coarse, unrefined and under-developed self. If I have to be imperfect and -- God forbid! -- a disappointment, at least I only have myself to face.
Next year. Maybe next year. Or the year after next.
On Parent-Child Relations:
Sometimes, when people are different, then they are just different - a hard fact of life that often cause great tragedies with decisions not well thought-out. Showing yourself, though dignified, brings a great deal of confusion upon parents that have not only expectations, but also a set of ingrained worldview. However, the greatest strength in relationships that involve people who don't understand each other is shown throgh their willingness to withstand these confusion and frustration, while maintaining their continued commitment to care for each other. This relationship with my parents, though dysfunctional, is not inoperable; in its own twisted way, it still somehow works. But what I also have learned is that, even though we all strive for understanding (... and the world needs it), that's not the only thing that is capable of sustaining relationships. There are other things that can feed and renew commitments that somehow precede understanding, such as the bond of unconditional love ... which is to love and care for others even if you don't understand them, and perhaps never will (as if understanding is a bonus in many respects).
He was looking for someone to nest with and to love. I was looking someone to love and to nest with. This small difference in the order of things made all the difference in the world to me.
He is content with the life he leads, while I have nothing but discontent with mine. This big difference made our world together disappear.
Nothing mattered. It didn't matter what we gave to and wanted for each other. The meaning of our sacrifices for one another morphed through the lenses of our lives. The experiences we took from the life we had together will forever be interpreted with the ways we choose to hear our hearts' calling.
We are simply two very different people who both believe so intensely in who we are and how our worlds should be like, so intensely that we refused to take off our lenses and include in our lives' song the calling of each others' hearts. We are so different in our worldviews but so similar in how tightly we grasp on to our believes.
And for these similarities and differences, we changed each other's life.
Drive (acquire that car!) (ET: January?),
Graduate from UO,
Get new job,
Cook and bake,
Move,
Get out of PSU debt.
Health Insurance,
subsequent healthcare!
Take GMAT,
Climb,
Swim,
Bike.
Write Happiness Model outline,
Photography (what do I want to do with it?),
Sing.
Change wardrobe up a little bit,
Change my look a little bit, too (a little more kept-up?).
He was her fool before I was his.
Somone else was my fool, too, once upon a time.
We are all fools for someone at one point or another, a long tangled chain of fools.
But I guess we are all just waiting for the right fool to come along so that we can be their happy fool.
Have you ever tried looking through your library of books and categorize what information you have on hand through that filter in your mind? I mean, not just "math, history, literature," but also how they will help you and make you feel when you read them and stuff .... If you put 1) how it makes you feel/how or when you can use it and 2) what subject matter they are, you'll find an interesting matrix in your head. It's really kinda cool. And once that matrix is in place, you can make it more complex by putting dates in it ... like when you have used it, and when you project you can use it later according to your future plans. It makes for something like a 3D matrix.
According to the Chinese, males have life cycles of 8 years, whereas females have life cycles of 7 years? My first life cycle is 1-7 years. I'm currently in the middle of my 4th cycle. I want to know about how that little piece of knowledge can help me understand ... stuff, with life, with everything that I know is real.
Wow. I feel like this should be the dawn of a new age. As my new "Operations Comrade" arrives on Tuesday or Wednesday, I there are several things for me to consider. First, I need new software. Well, I doubt that I will receive anything like that for Christmas. In fact, I don't really expect to get anything for Christmas. I'm past that age now.
But I do have a software wishlist to share:
- Microsoft Office Suite
- Photoshop (for my photo editing pleasure -- hehe!)
Also, ...
- New music (ahhh, I am starving for new sounds!)
- books!
I plan on using this machine for producing:
- Heartfelt writings
- Beautiful pictures
- A new website/blogsite through .Mac
- Good mixtures of music that can uplift me or help describe me
They say for females, their lives go in cycles of 7 years. I am half way through my 4th cycle. I feel that something is going to happen ... and it's right around the corner. What is it? I feel like I'm wrapped in a thick blanket of fog.
When did my life become so complicated?
I stumbled upon a quote by Sigmund Freud: "The great question -- which I have not been able to answer -- is, "what does a woman want?"
I think of all the craziness that he describes, he really was just trying to describe himself.
I just realized that for the past year, my main source of confidence was him. And so, obviously, my already low level of confidence was even lower.
I want to kill that demon inside me that puts me down. I am so sick of it and its uncooperativeness. It mirrors who my parents are and how they treat themselves. I don't want to be like them. I want to get out before I drown.
My mind is a salad of thoughts and ideas and feelings right now. It's like many molecules in a cold confined space; they are there, but they are not moving anywhere.
OK. So I did it. Two days ago, I ordered a MacBook. I am now officially a Mac owner.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
YAY!!!!
I just finished editing a 22-page accounting paper.
My job entails:
combining 5 different portions of a financial analysis from 5 distinctly different people -- 3 international students from Korea, Japan and Thailand, an American student, and me, a 'tweener.
I had to make the 5 parts ONE, which means I had to check for grammar corrections, sentence structure, format and presentation, and quite simply, SENSE.
Don't get me wrong. All of us did exceptionally on this collaboration -- especially our international students.
But I must say that it was hard trying to guess what exactly everyone is trying to say and how to present their points better ... for every sentence in the 22-page endeavor.
Ok, now, on to Human Resources.
Since you've been gone, my life has been okay. I've been living my life, trying to be who I've always wanted to be – just the way I always tried. I've been trying to move on and to understand nothingness. The last time my heart sang was when it was alive, burning for you. Now I've just been trying to survive dying two hundred times from not sharing the air I breathe with you: every morning, every night. I barely even remember the last time you breathed my air, smiling.
But maybe loving even the way you breathe was my mistake.
Essentially, all the "you are so much better than him," "he doesn't deserve you," and "you can do so much better" don't amount to what sense of loss I now have inside.
The fact is whether I am better or not than he is should play no part in my healing process. My healing process should only involve, not him, but me.
I like It's a Break UP not a Breakdown better. The other one kinda bothered me. hahaha!!! I'm only at the Intro, but it sounds right.
The thing is, I don't want a book that tells me exactly what to do -- I don't want a prescription. That's why my 2 therapists didn't work out for me. I want a "conversation" with a respectable voice. Nothing self-righteous, thank you very much.
With all the pain and turmoil, I do see the bright side to my Big Breakup. I had all the right intentions with the wrong guy, creating a less-than-optimal relationship. All my bases are covered: I am not calling/e-mailing/running back to my ex, in part assisted by his indifference and swiftness to move on, I am not doing anything stupid, like sleeping around, partying excessively, jumping into another relationship hastily, or being self-destructive in any way. That's great. Survival mode is active.
Furthermore, I am trying to figure out how to move on, to improve and to grow. I am taking a leading role in my own future, meanwhile, letting those who care about me take an active role as well.
But as survival mode is active, panic mode seems to be on standby. My problem seems to be how to "find peace," so to speak. My anger and frustrations with progress slower than I prefer, with the past, and the overturning of what I call "the great equalizing effect," where people who do you wrong will "get theirs." Essentially, Karma, with a more scientific name. I am confronted with: "If he is so 'happy,' then does it mean I deserved it? Does it mean I really suck, because he's rid of me, and he's finally 'free'?" And other absurd things that I can't seem to barge. I, then, start to internalize these things and make what is essentially his mistakes into mine. These things are such potholes to my eventual growth and happiness that sometimes they set me back.
And as I sit here describing these things to you, even though I consciously know what is happening, I don't subconsciously know it enough to stop doing it. It's like I'm narrating what I think about how I feel -- a completely logical but helpless act ... because what you KNOW has very little to do with HOW YOU FEEL.
So at this moment, I can only hope that the more I read and the more I digest, the more able I am to face up to the things that I feel with less hopelessness and more faith.
Anyway, enough with my rant. Thanks for letting me borrow your books!
All I ever wanted is just to become everything I have ever wanted to be. All I ever wanted to do is my best and better and better each day.
Being alone hasn't been as lonely as I thought I would be. At the beginning, it was like feeling the incompleteness of missing a limb, or the chill of the wind going through an invisible hole in my torso. At times, it felt like what I imagine how mitosis makes cells feel, if they could feel anything, the constant splitting and splitting again ... supposedly for the greater good.
But really, being alone has been good. This is the time I can offer me at long last some space to learn about myself again, after so entirely and willingly giving me away. Sometimes, space is what gives us the chance to hear the echoes of ourselves.
Apparently, my brother thinks I'm a bit ... eh, how do I say it? ... crazy?
So I am on a quest to becoming "smarter." That's sort of my experiment. I figured, ya know, it's a win-win situation. You just can't lose on this one. It's not like I'll become like Jekyll and Hyde, so I'm golden, right?
My hypothesis is that, if I can achieve a more well-rounded sort of "smartness," I will be more capable of finding more "happiness." In other words, to achieve "a well-rounded sort of smartness" need to be "book smart," "social smart" and "body smart" ... in order to achieve "emotional smart," so to speak. It just makes complete sense to me. So I'm doing what I can to do just that.
But after I gave my brother that speech (in a more technical, long-winded version, of course), my brother gave me a bewildered look, a baffled laugh and shook his head while walking back into his bedroom.
I think he thinks I'm a nut.
Watch. I'm gonna come out with a self-help book one day. Let's see who's gonna laugh then. :-D
I am on a late bloomer's revolution to stop being a stranger to myself. I am so estranged from my intuition, my potentials and my inner being that I have become like two people who bicker but trying to get along.
I am feeling all cleaned out today. And maybe a little bit poisoned, too. That wound in my heart is acting up again.
I just read this funny memoir by the writer of "Caroline in the City," this sitcom from the 90s I used to watch. In the last chapter of her book about her basically depressing single life and coming-of-age story, she got engaged, but it didn't work out. She was 39 at the time. Never married. Just had a whole string of failed relationships.
But in that last chapter, she's also come accept that she'll be OK ... and alone, of course. As stupid as it sounds, I cried at the end of the chapter. Mopy and sappy and stupid in general, I cried. I cried for her sense of resignation, which we all now call "peace." Or maybe it is peace, the kind of peace that I, an impossibly hopeful person, am not ready to accept yet.
Even though throughout my girlhood, I never imagined a family life, I also never imagined a lonely life either. I also thought that I would actually be OK being single -- and I am -- but as so many people around me are settling down, finding their own families and forming their own worlds, I wonder about my own. I also wonder about whether all my friends will be too busy being in their own "settled down worlds" that we lose touch, unable to relate to me. Even though I'm only 24, I cannot help but to wonder when and how I can build a world of my own on my own -- you just can't rely on others especially for this. It makes me feel like all the seeds that I have planted haven't sprouted yet -- and I worry that they won't.
That chapter also worries me to feel pain again. That gouging pain in the heart -- you know that one. This is the kind of fear that reminds me "never" and "forever" only belong to classical literature like Beowulf and not the reality of a life like mine. Just because you feel that you've paid your dues in advanced by having gone through pain you could barely make through does not mean karma will actually enact some sort of balancing effect and bring you joy and happiness. No, everyday is a brand new game. Don't you slack off. Always on your guard.
I suppose this is what sunny Saturdays are for.
The story of Beowulf haunts me with its curses and promises of nevers and forevers. Such certainty can only be found in fables and storybooks, not reality.
But sometimes, I crave certainty. I crave knowing. I crave to be able to expect.
Perhaps that is why these classics, with themes that are mostly unapplicable to much of our reality, are so interesting. It is because they are filled with ghosts of our desires.
Sometimes, I think in order to function, I have convinced myself to think that I have forgotten all the less-than-happy instances in my life. As if my mind has automatically set up a check point, where upon approach numbs me from recalling any further in the past, from putting myself through pain again.
I saw a really cute lawyer today. He's got a moon tattoo on his left middle finger and some other tattoos up his arms. You can tell his ears were gaged. What the hell happened? Now he's a defense lawyer ... a cute one, nonetheless, with an air of defiance, even sarcasm, smartass edgey-ness. An unconventional gorgeousness.
Brown hair with a touch of cherry.
(God! I must have a thing for red heads! Nor, you were right! Remember Adam at the rock gym??? Oh, and there's another lawyer at my office who is also gorgeous ... and also a redhead. What is it???)
But maybe lawyer boy is gay. He dresses too nicely for a straight man.
Oh, but he's cute ... so I stared for a while.
Where to go abroad to teach?
I am putting The Philippines on my list to choose from ...
if I want to do the teaching abroad thing one day.
Who knows? If I am bold enough, I might put The Peace Corps on the list again.
As I am warm and safe, full and comfortable, loved and strong,
I have those that aren't in my thoughts. I care about them. I want them to feel something like what I feel.
I am going to volunteer ... probably after Christmas (they have enough helpers for the holiday season; it's the non-holiday season that really needs helpers).
The career book says, "You've gotta sell yourself!"
But I don't want to sell myself! Why do I have to sell myself? I'm 24. They say time is my best ally (but they also say it is my worst enemy). I have skills and talent (though I am not sure what they are yet, as I have been trained as a Jack, not a Master. Right, I am working towards a masters degree, but a masters in management ... what an oxymoron). They say I have everything I need, so why be so desperate? ... Or should I be? Maybe time is silently running out. Maybe my youth and teenage years were just dress rehearsals for the real deal -- the now -- and I had no idea that the curtains have been up for a while and that I've been exposed for several hours now and the audience are now gathering their rotten tomatoes.
I don't really know. But I just know that I don't like the idea of "selling myself." This isn't an auction. This is my life we're talking about. I would like to think of myself as something better than to be put up for sale at an auction. Instead, they should be the ones putting up for sale, and I am the one who should be sitting in the cushy seats raising plaques with numbers for acquisition.
Regardless of where I am at right now -- even though I am not completely together, I have flaws, I got scratches here and there from my trips and falls, I came undone several times already, and whatever else -- I still am better than that. I am not a fixer-upper. I am ... something ... I don't know what yet, but I am whatever it is that I will be. You either like it or love it. How's that for an alternative model?
But still, just in case ... back to learning how to sell.
What the hell am I to do with the rest of my life??
Well, lately, that's been the theme I've been dwelling on. The way to better my future is to better myself now, right? But how?
How do I unlock that secret potential hidden inside me, so that I can surprise everyone -- including myself? And there's gotta be some sort of talent in there, right? right? How do I understand how to find the key to happiness, so that what seems like a game of Sudoku at the "Impossible!" level will suddenly make sense? But what if the happiness I find is something that disappoints everyone else (can my happiness then be sustainable?)? And I do care what other people think, even though everyone else says not to worry about them. (Sometimes, I have a sneaking suspicion that the people who give me this piece of advice do so because they have always wanted to see what would happen if they had not worried about the opinion of others ... maybe I am their experiment.) How do I empower myself ... do I visualize a light bulb lighting up and go "ding"? Do I expand my horizons the way I expand the diameter of my thighs or my waist?
So I spend most of my time reading nowadays. I read anything I can think will "empower" me: psychology, economics, politics, career guides, memoirs, ___ For Dummies books, quotes, life's instruction handbooks, self help books, health ... anything. Then, I come up with theories and ideas on how to look at my life in an orderly and analytical fashion -- things that all seem to make sense and even clever at the time, but definitely not so much a couple of days later.
It's been fun though ... but then, I ask, all this for what? I'm still trying to figure it out.
Of course I didn't tell him he didn't have what it takes, what I really want and really need. And the most important is that I didn't tell me that blatant, glaring fact. Who wants to know that she is with someone who just isn't good enough for her? Who wants to know she's about to get really let down?
I believe I have just started a new religion ...
... called Nerdism, behind which a single woman with not an idea what she wants to do with the remainder of her time on earth can hide.
She can support her religious faith by reading a ton of books, selections including Excel Formulas and Functions for Dummies, 101 Great Anwers to the Toughest Interview Questions, The Female Brain (some neuropsychology book I found to be quite entertaining), Emotional Intelligence and The Late Bloomer's Revolution (a memoir about a single 30-something down in the dump).
Yeah, that's how I've been spending my evenings.
Interestingly enough, for the first time in 4 months, I complained about how much time I didn't have to myself. I mean, yes, I still hang out with people (I can't stop the appointments from coming; I'm just that popular -- bahahaha!), but I make it a point that I spend Friday nights here at home, so that I can read or sleep early or write or whatever.
I am such a devout Nerd -- I'm even proud of it. haha!!!
You know, I hear this sometimes and more often than preferred:
"Yeah, I went on a date with so-and-so. You know, dinner, nice conversation. He obviously was trying to impress me. At the end of the night, we made out. He came over. One thing led to another .... Well, I don't know. I guess he was nice. I mean, we had a nice date and all that. I felt like I should do something ...."
What? "There's no free dinner?" Is that the impression we've reduced ourselves to believing -- these bullshit antics? How petty is that -- is this what they call "fair trade" -- I feed you, now you feed me? I mean, the least that these guys could do is to try harder to lure us in, those cheap little fuckers.
And now look! Women now have to feel the guilt of someone spending the time and money on us, and then feeling the after-guilt of feeling that guilt in the first place, and good men now have to act like defensive little clowns to defend their names for the rest of their lives because of these cheapass bad apples.
Manipulative guys just pollute the world.
What is the secret to becoming a top-tier civil servant? Well, I was brushing my teeth when I figured it out. The rules are really quite obvious, but let me tell you: it's not a breeze, and you might find it compromising of your precious ethics. But if you are serious about this, it's worth it ... all 14 dollars per hour of it. OK, so here it is. Take notes. If you are smart, always act dumb. No, act dumber than what you think is dumb -- that is their average idea of dumb. It's OK. By doing so, you are not compromising your integrity. You are simply fulfilling part of your job description that they failed to really really mention. (Which part? Did you forget already? The part that says 'report to supervisor,' silly! They even had you sign it and should have received a copy. Talk to your manager.) You are expected to be a sheep. When the supervisor says, 'Baaaah,' you say, 'Baaaah,' with the same number of 'A's,' thank you. You get the idea, righ?
Interestingly enough, I just realized tonight that I have started to do things for me and no longer just for easing pain. I am not longer thinking of escape routes; I am thinking of the front door. No longer lamenting, I am pledging.
I think I am doing quite well.
I will keep it up.
Order in 2 weeks
With Education Discount:
Printer (free)
+ Office Suite 2004 and 2008
+ 1-year .mac
+ MacBook
+ Adobe Element 4.0
= 1368
I just realized that my life consists of four quadrants:
Tangible: the solid practicalities of my life, like finding a better job, finding a place to live, paying off student loans, getting insured, etc..
Intangible: the emotional side of things, like staying close to my core (family and friends), forming new friendships, etc..
Actual: activities that can help me "actualize" my life and expand my potentials, like driving, snowboarding, swimming, biking, climbing and working out, writing a book/getting published, photography, learning how to use computer softwares like a pro, etc..
Virtual: this is the "weird" category, kind of like a spiritual sort of side, like finding my understanding of happiness, visualize my source of strength, knowing what motivates me and empowers me, finding out what I am good at, etc..
This may not be the best way to analyze my life, but it's one perspective.
So what's the point for me to have all this technology on hand but not really know how to use it well?
I have this powerful machine called a computer here. It's a powerful machine even though it's a PC. With my Office Suite on here, I can practically do anything! I can publish things, I can draw charts, I can do math, I can ... do so much!! The problem is that there is so much there that I don't know exist. For example, I want to learn how to format things the way I want without getting frustrated. There's an ok, good and better way of doing things. I'm not content with the ok.
And then there's Excel. 90% of all data formatting is Excel. Most statistic analysis is done on Excel. Most of our household budgeting is done on Excel. So why shouldn't I get to know it better? On top of what I already know about the program, I am going to learn its functions and formulas, as well as data and statistical analysis (need to find my summer school textbook).
And I think I am going to get me a Mac for Christmas. See, this is the thing: if I'm going to spend a couple thousands on a computer with software, there is absolutely no reason for me to be lazy and procrastinate learning. After all, I did pay for it all. (I can't wait to use .mac!)
I think I'm going to stay home (or at coffee shops, or bookstores or libraries) a lot more and going out a lot less now.
I have a long booklist on economics, spirituality, politics, education, a librarian's hilarious account on his job, some lady talking about her life, neuroscience, psychology, Zen Buddhism, poetry, Microsoft Excel, digital photography, the GMAT, health and some other stuff to read.
I just wanna read and write and dinker on my computer and learn and be geeky and nerdy!
MY GOD! It's nasty out. The wind is a pushy one; I can feel the house standing its ground. I'm freak'n lucky to have a nice place to stay. I need to go volunteer coz them people out there must be soaked and cold.
I know that one day I will hear from you again. You will not be able to suppress your curiosity. You will wonder what and how I am doing while wondering about yourself. As your excuses lose their meaning, you will try to recall what had really happened to you, to the relationship that once meant something valuable to you and what happened to the someone who once loved you and defended you so fiercely -- the person you failed to appreciate and a fact you failed to understand.
You will write to me, "How are you? Haven't heard from you for a long time. I hope you're doing well. Reply if you want to."
But I will be far, far away in the vibrant world I came from when I entered yours, in my world that I have worked hard to expand and make better while you were gone, in my world that no longer includes you and no longer welcomes your existence.
Knowing you, I know that day will come, and I will be ready to greet you with the audaciousness you never had the privilege to know and the nonchallance of a mere observer. You will only be a passerby, a leaf in the wind (or something less poetic).
I will be ready this time around.
I am trying to figure out how to feel the fear and do it anyway, and
I am patiently waiting for the past to gradually disappear into Neverland.
I love writing. I need to find something I love to write about.
Lee Gutkind, Professor at the Department of English at Carnagie Mellon University, for example, is "The Godfather" of the creative nonfiction movement (Vanity Fair). But, while being an English professor and an avid writer, Lee is also a scientist interested in robotics and medicine.
He has something to write about.
I need to find my topic to write about, something that I love intensely.
I'm 24, and I know I have a generation gap with people below the age of 8 ... even people half my age at 12.
I know that because I can tell them about things that they have never seen or may not have even heard of in their short little lifetime ... and they probably won't know what I'm talking about until well into high school. Things like the following will undoubtedly amuse them:
~ Typewriters. Decades ago, these not-so-handy machines that served as our word processors produced a sophisticated and classy alternative to hand-written scribbles. To operate these machines, you have to P-O-U-N-D on them keys to make sure the ink gets onto the paper. You also have to manually white-out any typos you made. As technology advanced, so did typewriters -- they finally came out with this "correction key" that whited out your mistakes. Ta-Da! My family actually had one that came with a black plastic case with a handle on top. I remember trying to pick it up, but I ended up dropping it on my foot because it was so heavy. It hurt.
~ 5-inch Floppy Disks. My mother, being the hip little Asian lady that she is, decided to learn how to type. Oh, that mother of mine ... she brought home an old ("new" then) IBM black-and-white DOS-OS platform, (what we now consider) barebone computer, one that used 5-inch floppy disks. These scarce memory cards are about 25 times bigger than the regular SD chip that you put in your digital camera and maybe 50 times bigger than the 1GB Micro SD chip you put in your cellphone. But back in the day, 5-inch floppies were THE SHIT. The fact that we could put information not on notebooks of paper, but on one "small" disk was just mind-blowing.
~ Cassette Tapes. There was a time when Walkmans were cool. That, in case you don't already know, is a small device that enabled us to bring our music everywhere, much like what we do with our MP3 players today. I remember having trouble knowing which way to put the tape in, and if it meant I needed to rewind the tape when the little black ribbon is all on the left side of the tape. To this day, I still don't really know. Aren't you glad you don't have to deal with all that now?
~ Waterbottle Cellphones. Cellphones haven't always been palm-sized. Back in the early 90s, cellphones were about the size of a large Nalgene bottle. Now practice putting a whole waterbottle to your ear, and then try storing it in your purse. You'll realize that not only your phone conversations must be brief due to your sore biceps, you will need to carry a backpack to accommodate to your "portable cellular phone."
What else do we take for granted? What else belongs in our "obsolete pile," our personal museums up in the attic in hopes that, one day, we'll make it to "Antiques Roadshow?"
Feel free to leave a reminder.
So my list of MySpace friends dwindled from 152 to 150. Two people left my list. The thing is, I don't even know which two. I guess I don't really talk to them that often, do I?
Speaking of which, I think I should clean out my friends list.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I looked through my list and realized that all the people that should be there are there. Most of them are people that I care about, some of them are people that I'd like to keep in touch with, and others are people that I don't mind having on my list.
I went to bed exceptionally early last night -- 9:30pm. (*gasp!* Early night for Elaine! Impossible!) Well, it felt great. Made me feel somewhat normal.
One of the first thoughts I had this morning was, "What should I do? I feel enclosed here in Portland, as if this place and I just don't click, as if this place doesn't have what it takes to appreciate what I have to offer. But where? Maybe Seattle. Maybe my cousin is right. But how? Do I have the nerve? What should I do?"
But this feels ... right. Strangely enough, it felt like something not only plausible, possible, but also ... right.
But what now? What will happen if I do move? ... There's nothing I can't manage, right? ... But it's really hard and deflating that I don't really know what I "can" do (even though there's a lot that I can do), let alone what I want to do.
Sometimes, a lot like today, I get deflated thinking about what things I can do and what I want to do, what I should do to let my life pan out to its full potentials, and hoping for the future to work out in a way that will make me happy.
Sometimes, I just feel like I don't know what to tell the world (employers, especially) I can offer and trust that they will appreciate me. It's really a rough process to go through -- to innately believe that you're worth it even though all your life, you've been mostly under-valued and under-appreciated. You see, a lot of the times, norms, false perceptions and fictitious expectations drowns out your voice. How do I at least still hear my own through the noise?
Although it is by my own choosing that I should undergo such a process as self-empowerment, it still doesn't make the process any easier. Worse yet, the harder you try, the more you feel confused and drowned at times.
And what do I do? I just stop thinking about it, at least for the hour, or for the day, and try to find something else to do that it is more interesting at the moment, like eating, (definitely) writing, cleaning, maybe even stopping by Powell's at Cedar Hills later and then grab a cup of coffee on the way ... then hope that tomorrow, when you go back at it, will be better.
I had a good conversation with my brother tonight. Just the two of us to dinner -- we had noodle soup. I didn't really notice until now that my brother grew up and really how different he is than me.
And I love it.
I met someone from Spain and someone from France today. I loved it!! They think I have very good diction and that I should start learning the languages again (thank God for singing lessons). Well, maybe I might.
And I will give myself kudos for being able to dissolve awkwardness, to mingle and have fun with relative ease.
Wow.
Tonight, I feel absolutely insecure for being single, alone, flawed, lost and tired. It's like the camera zoomed out suddenly, the mirage dissapated and revealed how enormous the barren desert of my reality is.
I think this calls for bed time.
I'm determined to not put myself in any desperate and dire situations in the future. I have decided that I will try to find the best ways for me to explore, utilize and expand my potentials. I shall grow into believing that best of me, giving myself the benefit of the doubt the way I give others. I'm committed to taking accountability for my well-being and happiness.
Strangely enough, suddenly, I want to feel intimately in love. Just standing right here, at the MAX stop, yes, just like that, I want to fall in love, head-over-heels in love again. But this time, I want it to be different. I want that eternal garden in my heart to awaken and bloom -- to burst, even! -- not just with bliss and pleasure, but with happiness. I am preparing myself for that day.
Theories state that, since humans have been observing dark energy, we may have reset the internal quantum clock of the universe, and thus doomed the entire universe to rapid decay.
Dark energy is basically the stuff that powers the universe, and somehow observation will make this "fuel of the universe" fizzle out even faster! At this moment (literally THIS VERY MOMENT), more than 70% of the energy in the universe is dark energy, and something more than 80% of the matter in the universe is considered dark matter.
Oh, how I love this.
My friend, Ken, is now in Japan. He is trying to wire money from his US account to his Japan account. This is his story:
"My US account won't allow me to wire money to my japanese account. I have to go into a Wells Fargo branch to do it ... but notice that I'm thousands of miles from the closest Wells Fargo. Wells Fargo says, "Have the Japanese bank (CitiBank) do cash advances against my check cards, transfering money immediately. But Japanese banks won't do that.
Well, work was no fun today ... as if that's a big surprise. Work at this office hasn't exactly been fun for quite some time now. I swear my optimism, good attitude and popularity amongst the deputy district attorneys piss the old office ladies the hell off.
And you know what I hate? I hate dealing with conniving people (aka. these psychotic office ladies ... and no joke, they have mental issues), people that take advantage of your being new and don't know any better until it is too late. They pick out what they don't want to do and then give it to you. Then, you end up with way more work than you are supposed to, and you aren't able to finish the stuff that you're supposed to get done.
To make things even more exciting, these people tell on you to the idiot of a manager that you didn't get your work done, as if you really had done anything wrong. The manager, being the old, fat, idiotic, insane female dog that she is, decides to lash out on you to exhibit how authoritative she is (most probably due to the large chip on her even more sizeable and pudgy shoulder). ... And why does she have to use the ellipses to the point where it annoys even me?? -- and I'm an avid ellipses user!
And what do you do? In a situation like this, where reason, logic, staunch work ethic, professionalism, courtesy, and an expected cognitive ability to operate on a level higher than 7th grade mean absolutely nothing, all you can do is to take it like a champ, and then bitch about it on a public blog on your way home.
(... Oh, and I just realized that I left my book at work. Ugh. Leaving things there make me feel uncomfortable, like leaving things of value at on a mine field.)
So if dark matter is cosmic mass that is invisible to us (due to its slow decay -- theoretically, it takes about 2.1 million-billion years for half of this invisible stuff to "disappear" -- therefore, emitting radiation at pretty much undetectable level), and if this invisible stuff called dark matter is what "magically" gives gravitational effects on galaxies and clusters, ...
... then I wonder if this is the same stuff that is used in what we can't explain ... the "everything happens for a reason," the "love will find a way," the "fate will guide you," the "it wasn't meant to be," and all the other cliches that we find to be all too convenient to explain all of our troubles away, and yet we can't come up with anything better.
Next time someone give you a cliche, just say its dark matter at work.
How old are they? 20? 18? And what do they have to offer their 1-year-old conceived accidentally? The same irresponsible behavior they show on the MAX? The same language they use towards each other?
And, yes, I am being judgmental, but how can I not when I know that kids can be offered more?
When the child enters school and asks, "How tall is the sky?" what will his parents answer with? When he enters high school and asks, "What is love?" what answer will he receive? When he becomes an adult and needs advice on life and happiness, what council will greet him?
Shouldn't we have better to offer our youth? Shouldn't we consider what will happen to them when we are unprepared and careless?
Even though this small boy is not mine, still I feel partially responsible for what is already happening to him. I am saddened by our thoughtlessness as a whole.
Do you ever feel like you have so much light and energy and bouncing chemistry that the place you are at just can't hold it all anymore ... like a vital plant that has outgrown its pot?
That's how I feel.
I need to move.
I didn't and couldn't talk today. It made work so much better. Ahhhh, calmness overwhelmed me! hahaha!
Also, I've decided that Ashley E. and I will be writing something to remember our 20s by. It will be read aloud once more before we seal it, and it will not be opened again until we reach age ____ (to be determined -- who knows? 70?).
... Geez, I don't even know where to begin. Seems like so much has happened. But then again, maybe not enough has happened. Though, perhaps enough to lead us here.
Perhaps?
Oh, and please go to bed early because your immune system shuts down at night to rest and revitalize.
You know, the factory must close at night ... so does your body.
Nighty night!
Pictures in my mind look like Salvador Dali paintings ... or illustrations in children's books.
The Universe, for example, has a giant golden pocket watch that is the quantum clock just floating around somewhere. It has giant blankets for star dusts, plumes of black clouds for dark matter and dark energy, not unlike those in Lord of the Rings movies. The Universe also features innocent pastel yellow stars with rounded corners against a classy blue-ish purple backdrop. All is relatively quiet, and all ye curious people can hop from one star to the next and ride big blankets to visit the giant watch for fun.
(please don't put me in the looney bin ....)
It's 8:20pm, and I should be taking a shower. But here I am, dinkering on the computer, where I found the following blog entry by my friend, Tammy. My decision to repost this is to follow in her footsteps to think of all of you, my friends, who are going through turmoil in life. I hope the blessings and good wishes included here will be of some solace on your journey.
This is called the Accountability Contract by Lisa Steadman
I, (insert name here), being of sound mind and healed heart, promise to be a worthy keeper of my healed heart. As keeper of my healed heart, I agree to the following:
*I will never again give my heart to anyone who is undeserving of it
* I will pay attention to relationship red flags as they are revealed to me and act accordingly.
* When Im ready, I trust myself to exercise excellent judgement in selecting a suitable candidate to fall in love with (someone who is capable of loving me on the same level).
*In the meantime, I trust myself to date (when I'm ready) and to be open to the possibilities.
*I am healthy and strong enough to endure dating disappointments along the way, and I will be able to differentiate those disappointments from actual heartbreak.
*I will not let any baggage from the past affect my future relationships. In fact, I have checked all unnecessary baggage and am now traveling with nothing more than a compact backpack of lessons learned.
*I dedicate myself wholeheartedly to living and loving life as it is right now (and fixing things that no longer work so I can live and love life even more!)
*I recognize that having failed relationships in the past does not make me a failure at love.
*I am now free to welcome (at my discretion) healthy, happy, whole love to my life.
Sign here ____________________
***** I am sure that many of you are looking forward to blogs about something other than my breakup. I suppose we can both be hopeful for that. When I read this passage, I thought of my friends. Those friends, who know who they are, who are worth more than their significant other gave them. I think of you, those that had to learn to let go of people who were not beneficial for their lives. I am lucky that I don't get the opportunity to have to "walk away" or to say "no". I know that many of my friends are at odds because their heart tells them to take him/her back while the mind knows better.
I'm a little relieved, okay A LOT relieved, that he didn't love me enough to want me back. I came to a lot of realizations about loving someone. If they loved you, they wouldn't have let you go. They wouldn't have risked losing the greatest thing in their life. You were it and they chose themselves. So it's your turn...
Choose you instead.
So many of my friends are also going through this heartache. I just starting to feel myself again. I hope that you have also. The book I strongly recommend is..
"It's a breakup not a breakdown"- Lisa Steadman. I know it sounds silly but it really hits to the core of what makes breakups so difficult. The craziness you feel, the dedication that you have to give up, the social stigma of being single (and old!) and best of all, how to appreciate life for what it is-and not what you've lost.
With love and care-
Tammy
Some Oscar Wilde quotes I find mildly amusing:
I want to live an urban life: a nice apartment of my own, a little car of my own (leasing sounds like a great option even though I need full insurance coverage because then I can have a new one every couple of years, and I will still be under factory warranty), a couple of good cats .... (in other words, I want to live like my cousin in Seattle, hahaha!)
I want a career that is meaningful.
I want to lead a healthy lifestyle.
I want to be surrounded by interesting, genuine and worthy people.
I want to be able to travel when I want to.
I'm sure I will have more to specify, but that is it for now ... I need to go to bed.
Even though I know my parents don't appreciate me for who I am and don't really know me for who I really am but their daughter, I still appreciate what they do for me.
Like right now, my mom is making food for us ahead of time, so that we'll have good food when they leave for vacation. (boy, it smells good)
Even though they don't know how else to be supportive through my hard times, still they do their best to be caring the way they know it.
I am so grateful.
Tonight, I am still angry. I am still angry at the person that I didn't expect to be cruel, inconsiderate and irresponsible to me to be all of that and more. His voice is always in the back of my mind like a chorus of ridicule. It is always a struggle for me to quiet it down.
Tonight, though my anger is a lot more mild in comparison to what it was, still I can't say that I don't wish to teach him a lesson (be it my place or not).
Maybe I am still angry because I am still not where I want to be (even though I am beginning to go in that direction). I, however, forsee that my efforts to find my own happiness will not be futile -- at least I know now that I am so much better off without him. I will find a way.
You can never love someone enough to make them happy, unless they know what makes them happy and how.
Even though I loved him with everything I had, it was impossible for me to make him happy because all he knew to do to be happy is to replace one short-lived pleasure with another. Eventually, I became one longer-lived short-lived pleasure, too, when he realized he needed to put in effort. But effort, in his mind, is pain. At that point, I became a dispensible liability to be replaced.
If having a meaningful relationship is one of your critieria for happiness, you can't possibly fulfill that criteria by having a relationship with someone who does not at least have an idea about lasting happiness.
A long time ago (well, in high school),
I used to volunteer a lot -- pretty much every weekend. And I loved it! I just loved it. I don't know why, but I did. You know, I actually have mostly forgotten how well-spent my high school days were. Sure, I had no adventurous stories to tell, no drunken bringes, no smoking sprees, nothing. But out of the mundane came these great experiences that shaped me in invisible and silent ways ... the goodness, the habit of finding meaning, the appreciation for life ....
But lately, I've been thinking about volunteering again. I'm now mobilizing a group of people to go at least once a month with me to get stuff done around the community. I mean, it's just a day a month, and most the time, it's not even a whole day's activity. And how well-spent is that time going to be? What else would we be doing otherwise anyway? Blog? Chat online? Wander around at the mall? Catch a movie? Sleep? Clean the house and say that you are busy (but just how busy are you really)?
So ... to add color in everyone's life, I've decided that we should go volunteer.
I think I lack rituals in my life. I lack the things that make my days regular, predictable, steady and foundational. I do whatever when the situation calls for it ... or when I call for it. I make plans, but I break them, unless I have to be responsible to/for someone else. Of course alternate plans are better than original ones, I thought to myself. Or else, why would I have changed my mind to begin with? No, I don't always operate like that, but ... more often than I'd like to.
Like, today. I wanted to look into my insurance stuff. I also wanted to look for volunteer opportunities (well, I did some of this). I made those plans last night. But now, I just want to fall back to sleep.
Psychologists around the world that talk about habits say that it's not because I lack discipline, but I lack ______. I don't think they really have a scientific conclusion for the likes of me yet.
So ... I need some rituals. I need something that vitalizes me. Let me think about it. I'll keep you updated.
In my sleep, I realized something. I realized that I change for others' sake too much and too easily. I am malleable. I innately know what people need, what they want me to be, so I change. I make people happy. I make a situation work smoothly. I have no self? No, this is my self -- I, the chameleon.
But that doesn't make me happy all the time. (Do I even need to count the instances?)
I wondered what if I have changed for my own sake? What if I innately know what I need, just like I know what others need, and conformed to that instead? Maybe I will be happier that way.
I am a simple, yet complex individual. No, not so much sophisticated (hehe!), but just complex ... busy-minded, so to speak.
I think I'm just one of those that can carry on an entire conversation all on my own. I can even go off tangent without the influence of anyone else -- I can handle that just fine.
I blog like I'm actually talking to someone (hence, this is the 12th blog since less than 24 hours ago), I trail off like I'm ....
I've also noticed that I'm even in therapy with myself. I read books on happiness, on music, on life's instructions, on the brain, on love, on GMAT, and I write about what I think. So I'm not happy? I'll read about it, think about it, and write about it. Then, the answer will come to me ... one of these days anyway.
And it's great! It's authentic. It's me being honest to myself by being honest with my writing that I share with others. I gathered that if I can't be honest here, I can't really be honest with myself.
I really like writing on here. There aren't deadlines, no topic restrictions. There is an audience, but other than those friends that I know are reading regularly, I don't know who else is reading, so I don't have to cater to them or subconsciously change my voice for them. This freedom ... I can't imagine finding anywhere else.
Yeah, I'm sick. I have no voice, and I'm sick. My alarm clock keeps buzzing to hurry me to bed. But I am distracted by
I need brain food. I need a way to grow. I need new perspectives. I am challenged daily, but I need meaningful challenges. I need hope. I need workable goals. I need ways to serve. I need to express and create. I need love. I need physical activities. I need meaningful relationships. I need simple pleasures. I need appreciation. I need freedom and individuality. I need community. I need good health. I need a good and peaceful environment. I need basic human requirements met.
There are many things that I need to flourish, but most of these things are abstract. However, they can still be categorized in very tangible ways:
Career and Income.
School/Knowledge Enrichment/Reading/Traveling.
Art/Writing/Photgraphy.
Climbing/Conditioning/New Sports.
Lifestyle/Environment/Nutrition.
Volunteer Opportunities.
Friends and Family/Life Partner.
With these seven things listed, I can access how much I have achieved, and what I need to do more.
I am rather pleased that I finally used my MicroSD chip for my phone for the first time. Looks like my phone takes decent pictures (as long as they are not for printing - the pixels aren't big enough). I just need to make sure my hands don't shake.
This little tiny chip the size of my pinky fingernail holds up to 1GB of data. How amazing is that? It makes me so excited to think about it.
Have I told you how much I like technology lately?
My parents have this funny idea that going to the doctor's will cure everything, including a cold (note: in case you didn't know, colds are caused by a virus, therefore, you can't cure colds). The fact that I haven't gone to the doctor's yet means I am not doing enough to take care of myself.
Colds, according to my parents, are also exclusively caused by not wearing enough clothes. For instance, my dad was able to diagnose the root cause of my condition by listening to my coarse voice.
"Ah, must be due to you not wearing enough ... your throat caught a cold." ... Obviously, he doesn't know about the force-kisser from LA I encountered.
My dad's diagnosis is a strange one. It comes off more like an interrogation than showing affection.
It starts off with:
"What's wrong with you? You sick?" after hearing from my mother that I'm not going to "drink tea" with them (which is a brunch meal that consists of dim sum) because I am sick. The thesis must be repeated, I suppose.
After my stuttering from being taken aback, he continues with:
"Have you not been wearing enough clothes? Caught a cold?"
"But I've been wearing my down jacket."
Disregarding my answer, he concludes,
"Ah, yes, it must be because you haven't been wearing enough. Listen to your voice. Obviously, your throat caught a cold."
What more did I have to say? Affection, right there. Served cold.
Perhaps Asian parents are just like that. Listening is a waste of time, a total American thing. "Stop talking and just do as I say" is their motto. Conclusions can also be drawn without a communication process because -- what do you know? -- they know everything already!
But see what happens now? We stay in our rooms while they complain that we're hermits. When we come out, they communicate with non-communication. When we leave the house, they complain that we're never home.
Hmmm.
I am thinking about my future right now.
I actually am swimming about in some thoughts of not returning to the MIM program this year after all. There seems to be certain other things that I need to do before re-entrance. I know that I am on a time limit here, and I have just wasted about 20,000 dollars in tuition (which I will see if I can adjust my credits to use to my advantage somehow). But the first and primary thing is that I feel that I am too rushed right now. It sounds like a "bad excuse," but the reality is just that: I don't have enough time to regroup, and I don't feel that this is the time for me to wrap up my graduate studies. True, there are many roads I can take, like actually finishing up, but at the same time, I could go another route, couldn't I? Does it really matter which route I take, just as long as I'm going and going somewhere meaningful?
I have made mistakes before, and if this turns out to be a mistake, then it wouldn't be my first one, nor would it be my last one. So I wonder what the big deal is.
My cousin pointed something very interesting out to me the other day: I should "be like him" and work for an airline company. It sounds rather silly, I know, but the interesting thing about it is that I can work for Alaska airlines, for example, and live in Seattle or Portland, and I get cheap plane tickets. Remember how I want to travel? Remember that I want to live? Remember all that? Why don't I do something like that and live some life before I get too buried? Trust me. In the whole scheme of things, I will have plenty of time to join the rat race.
So right now, why don't I just focus on
- getting the UO gig done,
- getting my driver's license,
- taking the GMAT (if I want to),
- getting a new job that has something to do with traveling opportunities (if I want to relocate, that's an option),
- getting a loan to pay the 17,700 dollars I owe PSU (Bank of America will be more than happy to if I commit to paying back about 550 dollars a month for the next 36 months),
- and figure something out with my school program to reserve my credits for something else (if that's possible)?
Why don't I solve the problem by simplifying my life? If I don't think for myself and support myself in my endeavors, who will? I just want some relief and freedom in my life. I don't want to be chained anymore. It's been way too long.
[All of my "Time In Entries" are my Harvard positive psychology exercises, starting with this one.]
I can't think of what happiness is in general terms without diluting it too much. It could be contentment to a certain degree -- afterall, without at least an ounce of contentment, where can you find stability as a foundation? It is exploration, pleasure, and other things that I most probably don't know about yet.
What could Happiness possibly be for me? I suppose words like emotional stability and inner balance, hope, exploration, understanding, acceptance and appreciation do a very good job to shed a bit of light on what I think Happiness might mean to me.
I suppose I can think back to a time when I was happy. I suppose I was happy. I was gaining emotional balance, my relationships with those that matter to me were on good terms, I have hope in what I do and what I will be doing, I was also physically active. On top of it all, it was sunny and warm. Interestingly enough, also I distinctly remember that I had a sense of relief, that things are finally working, and what didn't work out will work out eventually. My sense of happiness at that point, perhaps, was not without worries. While it does not negate that I was in fact happy, I think it could mean that there is room for improvement.
So that was May of 2006.
That delicate balance started to tip sometime at the end of June, when what they call "love stormed in." I watched my balance strip away. I experienced bliss, but I wondered if, perhaps, my inner balance was too high a price to pay. I was convinced that, in order to be in a loving relationship, I must give up something. It turns out that I gave up practically everything in hopes that the two of us could make something even better out of it. I experienced rather severe depression when I started realizing that the scenario of reaping what I sow was not going to happen. For a period of about 5-6 months, I was unhappy. I felt trapped, agitated, even angry. Moreover, I was bored. I was tired of how little I could do to help the situation. I was tired of living a routine, really. But slowly, I didn't even want to get out of bed. I didn't want to do anything. All of it because I lacked hope. I didn't see a way out. I didn't see a way to find more meaning and experience more of life. One thing for sure is that hope is something that adds to my happiness. I know this because after a painful and abrupt end to that hopeless, enclosed and dry lifestyle, I experienced a period of hope for several months. Though I was going through the pain of heartbreak, I once again saw hope. I was reacquainted with the rest of the world, and I was making more connection with possibilities and positivity than I had for the whole of the previous year.
And here I am, with hope.
I am know I haven't reached a point where I can actually claim to be Happy, but I know that I am now "happier than before." And I know what I need to do next to be "even happier than before:" I need to gain a sense of contentment. I feel that sense of unrest is still there. I need some relief to find the platform of contentment before moving upward continuously. Even though there are other areas of improvement, the primary unrest comes from school/career, financial stability and sense of independence.
By the way, I learned how to make this supreme Cranberry Brie Cheese thing last night. MMMMMMM! Love it!
Thanks, Selma!
I got invited to go to San Francisco.
I got invited to go to Sunriver.
But on the same weekend!
Ahhh! So many choices, so little time!
PS. No snowboarding for me tomorrow because I'm a sickie and have no voice. Booooo!
Healing:
Departure from "Team Sucker" to "Team Me".
I consider my ex-boyfriend laid-off ... by me. The team doesn't need unnecessary costs for worse output (thank heavens for sanitized business language to describe the most emotional things). Even though he made the decision to break up the team, it is I who decided to bring the remnants of the wreckage for use in the next project and beyond.
Last night, in a state of perhaps tipsiness, I heard myself tell someone, who commented that he's glad that I'm single again, that [leaving Brian behind] is probably one of the better decisions in my life. Moments later, I was surprised by my honesty. It is true, my decision to leave him behind in my life to free myself to move on and explore the abundance of options I have, be in the mutually supportive company of friends and family, to meet new friends, to seek answers to the "question of questions:" How can I be happier?
What could possibly be better than that? At 24, this is where I need to be. Knowing what I know now and having what I have now, I would never go back to where I used to be.
I had a dream last night where I was actually a "kungfu master" charged with a secret. I had to go to other prestigious kungfu masters to test them out and see if they can handle the secret.
Now, see, that's all fine and dandy, cool dream, whatever. BUT!! The interesting part of this dream is that I was a kungfu master. I was GOOD at what I did. In all my other dreams that involve prowess of any sort, I was always barely hanging on.
I think this dream is telling me that I'm adopting a new outlook on life.
OK. I hung out with someone I knew from college on last Tuesday. Really, I never had a good impression of him, but I figured that he would have improved after all these years, so, when he came into town from LA, I gave him my Tuesday night.
And, boy, was I wrong. This is probably one of the lamest guys I've ever met. That insufferable ego, unintelligible talk of, uh, nothing, and the worst of manners (too touchy-feely, force-kissing) ... I think he thought it was a date or something, when I thought totally different. Oh, and he had a cold. So I told him I had to go.
So now I got this cough and I lost my voice. Ugh.
Do you ever ask yourself what Happiness is? Hap- from Happiness derives from the Icelandic word Happ, which is also the same root in words such as haphazard or happenstance. Happ basically means luck, chance, God-sent fortune. But can we really leave it up to chance to be happy? Is happiness really something we cannot help to find until it decides to find us?
So now, I've decided to embark on a journey to find my happiness, to answer in my own context what the deal is. That is the essential question, isn't it -- what is happiness and how can I be happy, and then happier?
For this reason, I am now reading the book, Happier, by Tal Ben-Shahar, Ph.D., a Harvard professor of positive psychology.
Some of my following blogs might be journal entries from the book's exercises. So pelase don't mind me. :)
I feel stronger now. I feel that I can embark on greater things now. I feel like I can pick up the pieces now ... and I feel like I can make better things out of them now.
I will do what I want to now.
Yesterday, my 12-year-old cousin scared me.
She scared me with what she's been learning in school and in church.
She thinks that Thanksgiving is a tradition built upon a legacy of early settlers making friends with Native Americans. But the reality is Native Americans were slaughtered ... all 85% of them. The little paper Native hats they make are so innocent in comparison to the truth that it made me sick.
She also thinks that her lesbian PE teacher is gross. She told me that The Bible says that it's wrong (yes, she said "wrong"). I exclaimed, "What have they been teaching you??"
God is probably one of the most misunderstood (and used) beings EVER. And the Christian Bible is one of the most fundamentally dubious and violent pieces of literature EVER to build an entire religious belief organization around.
Ugh. Educating kids with crap. It's like feeding kids Micky D's every night and calling it good. We suck for not giving children any better. And I actually feel partially responsible for not doing better because I am now old enough to do differently.
If ever I have offspring, I will bring them up Buddhist and train them in Kungfu (or something) for inner peace, self-awareness, discipline and physical strength. If I have the means, they will also be travelling for new perspectives. They will be as multi-lingual as possible. They will be reading more than they watch TV. They will be close to family and a strong support system.
I want them to be badass freak'n kids not for competition, but to be able to stand up to waves and storms.
On this Thanksgiving,
To those who have been there for me, have been true to me, love me:
Thank You!!
What would I have been without your support? Where would I have been and what would I have done?
My road would not have been quite as wonderfully rugged if I didn't have you to share with.
I don't miss the time we shared together.
What I miss is the part of my heart you gouged out.
Today, I feel strange. I feel like this job I have is gradually getting in my way of doing what I need to do and what I want to do. I feel like I'm trapped in "bad vibe land." The job is fine, really -- you really can't expect too much from a low paying job. I just feel that it's not for me anymore. I took this job that has nothing to do with anything career-oriented so that I can heal. But now that I'm doing better, I feel that it's a drag. It's almost helping to prevent me from moving on.
I think I need a part-time job instead.
Seattle was way way way fun. New people, family, partying, good food, good company .... Wow.
Friday night:
Car ride with Michael, Josie and Chad. We are now the Real Real World gang. This is a "game" simulated after the Real World series and the Survivor series, where strangers get in a long car ride together and drama ensues. The one least liked will be left on the side of the street. Of course, since we're all cool, no one got booted off. We ended up singing along to Broadway tunes instead.
Saturday:
Shopping. For earrings. I love earrings. I love love love earrings. Also went to Sephora for the first time. That store is seriously filled with estrogen. It's rather scary. Thanksgiving dinner. So much fun. Just running around with people, socializing, is awesome. Post-dinner clubbing events were also fun. Dancing is definitely something I like to do -- hmm, I might re-join the ranks of dance performance. haha! Also met a cute guy. I think my ManDar (short of Man Radar) is not completely broken afterall. Too bad I didn't have enough time, or else I would have packed him in a sack home with me.
Sunday:
Went out for DimSum. Went to the Seattle Library, climbed their outter wall, took pictures, and bought a pin that says "Reading is SEXY." Went to Babeland -- for those who don't know what that is, it is a "sex boutique." hahaha! No, nothing scandalous. In fact, it's really tasteful. Nice bright windows, happy colors, very open. None of that dirty feeling Castle gives you. RRW gang reconvened again to go home.
Next Friday:
MIM Thanksgiving Party!
Next Weekend:
More to come ....
December:
Turkey Fry in San Francisco ....
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