e-Bomb, the fire cracker in a small package. e-Bomb, the philosopher. e-Bomb, the late bloomer staging her own life revolution. e-Bomb, the history watcher. e-Bomb, the lover. e-Bomb, the friend. Welcome to My World. Here's my story.
I JUST GOT AN APARTMENT DOWNTOWN!
I'm heavily indebted to the credit card company because my student loans haven't gotten through yet, but hey! I GOT A NEW APARTMENT AND SCHOOL STARTS IN 19 DAYS!
YAAAAAY!
PS. I hope Josh feels better .... Feel better, Joshy (even though I know he's not reading this).
Just to get this out there:
I JUST RECEIVED AN OFFICIAL LETTER OF ACCEPTANCE FROM THE PORTLAND STATE UNIVERSITY MASTER OF INTERNATIONAL MANAGEMENT PROGRAM!
Ok, I'm done.
Listen to the lyrics, boys and girls. It'll invigorate you and lift your spirits up.
Video
by India.Arie
Sometimes I shave my legs and sometimes I don't
Sometimes I comb my hair and sometimes I won't
Depend on how the wind blows I might even paint my toes
It really just depends on whatever feels good in my soul
I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be the india arie
When I look in the mirror and the only one there is me
Every freckle on my face is where it's supposed to be
And I know our creator didn't make no mistakes on me
My feet, my thighs, my lips, my eyes; I'm lovin' what I see
I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be the
india arie
Am I less of a lady if I don't wear pantyhose?
My mama said a lady ain't what she wears but, what she knows
But, I've drawn a conclusion, it's all an illusion, confusion's the name of the
game
A misconception, a vast deception
Something's gotta change
but,Don't be offended this is all my opinion
ain't nothing that I'm sayin law
This is a true confession of a life learned lesson I was sent here to share with
y'all
So get in where you fit in go on and shine
Clear your mind, now's the time
Put your salt on the shelf
Go on and love yourself
'Cuz everything's gonna be all right
I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I Learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be the india arie
Keep your fancy drinks and your expensive minks
I don't need that to have a good time
Keep your expensive car and your caviar
All I need is my guitar
Keep your Kristal and your pistol
I'd rather have a pretty piece of crystal
Don't need your Silicon I prefer my own
What God gave me is just fine
I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be india arie
To soothe ...
... is to take the baggage and toss it into the ocean, to feel the wind blowing up against you, so that you feel lighter, almost like ... flying, almost like ... everything will be ok, because you are breathing, and you are feeling.
I realize that I don't have to be tough or strong for anyone else but me. And no matter what kind of wrong people have done to me, while it doesn't prevent them from having a good life, it doesn't prevent me from being happy and fulfilled either. In the end, it's just me. Can I face myself and just be happy?
Tonight, I wandered through MySpace and ran into someone who did me wrong once upon a time, caused my life to go through all sorts of turmoil, for no apparent reason at all. Not because he hated me, but ... just because.
Sometimes, when you revisit something dark in your life that you had thought is gone, you realize that it's always been there and always will. It's part of your life. You've just changed, and maybe on the better, sunny days, you used it as a shade -- it all depends on how you utilize your experiences. Nevertheless, it's always there. And on this night, what was dark and haunting stared at me in the eyes through the computer screen. He looked happy, fulfilled .... I wonder if he regrets what happened. I wonder if he realized it was wrong. I wonder if he realized how it shattered my life and made me feel foresaken.
But through my insecurities and doubt for myself and others, somehow, I pulled through. Out of the darkness, I found me ... as unrefined, as coarse and ungraceful as they come. But with all of my imperfections, here I am. And because I am here, I don't feel lost, and I don't feel like I'm nothing. I am, I believe, OK.
Because I pulled through.
Here ...
... I stand.
Yesssss!
First down: Letter of rec! Thanks, Professor Epstein, for getting my letter in so fast, even all the way from Korea!
Second down: Transcripts. UO, get a frick'n move on!
Third down: FAFSA. Yeah, Elaine, get a move on.
Fourth down: GRE! I'll make it through the hole and TD! Just you wait!
Hey, thanks for all your help and support, friends and family! :)
So you gave me this card for my 16th birthday sophomore year in high school. On the cover, it says:
Be Alive
Think freely. Smile often. Tell those you love that you do. Rediscover old friends. Make new ones. Hope. Grow. Give Give in. Pick some daisies. Share them. Keep a promise. Laugh heartily. Reach out. Let someone in. Hug a kid. Slow down. See a sunrise. Listen to rain. Trust life. Have faith. Enjoy. Makes some mistakes. Learn from them. Explore the unknown. Celebrate life!
And on the inside, you wrote:
"Remember you only live once, so party as much as possible, my handwriting isn't as cool lookin as your is, happy birthday Elainus! Love ya, Markus"
Hehehe! Flash back, eh?
I got my month membership at The Circuit today. It was awesome. I love it there. I love the people, and I love what they do. I'm really excited about the new relationships I'm building there. It's amazing how much courage these people conjured in me. And I can't wait to get stronger and climb better. I can't wait.
In order for me to get a place to live before all the good apartments run out, I need a current schedule of classes. In order for me to sign up for classes and get my financial aid, I need my conditional admission. And in order for me to officially receive my conditional admission, I NEED my U of O transcript to arrive at PSU ASAP. I ordered it A WEEK AGO, and it's still not there yet. Efficiency, please! The other thing I need is one of the two letters of recommendation. Ahhh, Dennis! Ahhh, Maram! Hurry!
I want to go see Swan Lake by Oregon Ballet Theatre at the Keller Auditorium on June 9th. And I want to see the ballet workshop at PCC tomorrow either at 2pm or 7:30pm (reception before).
Since ballet really isn't everyone's cup of tea, I guess I'll have to go alone .... Sad.
I just got word that I will be admitted to the PSU grad program I applied for on the condition that I will get my GRE scores before the start of school year!! Yay! This gets me the financial aid I'm gonna need for this summer, AND I'll be a grad student!!! Yay!!! Yay!!! Yay!!!
Yay!!!
Ok, enough o' that.
I am also going to be moving into a dorm room for the first 2 months. I'll have my move probably on June 12th or 13th, and then I'll be going to Eugene for graduation and probably coming back to Portland on the 18th. I'll be starting summer session on June 19th and ends on August 10th. Moving into an apartment either on the 10th or the 11th (most probably on the 10th; wanna help?). I will go on a camping trip to Smith Rock on August 12th for 4 days, then orientation for another 4 days, and then school (REAL school) starts on August 22nd.
It'll be a full year.
I went to a strip club for the first time yesterday. I thought my friend, Nora, said "free boozies" on the phone, and -- hey, whadda ya know? -- it turned out to be "free boobies" at the Acropolis.
To describe my experience there, there were some women with LARGE boobs that looked more like a strain to the back to me than a sexually attractive and aesthetically pleasing (uh, I suppose) physical feature. Then again, I AM a girl, after all, so I guess I'm coming from a more realistic perspective than the men at the joint, who were completely fixated upon those round, bouncy and apparently squishy body parts.
There was also this hardcore looking lady, who had lots of tattoos and looked like she was about to go on a killing spree with her giant heels, but was very skilled on the pole. She was kinda scaring me, so I took a few peeks while hidding behind my buddy, Greg. When I saw that she could hoist herself up along with her heels of impressive size, and then skid down while doing the "Number 6 Spread Eagle", I was tempted to give her a tip just because it was almost like watching the USA gymnastics team perform ... only less innocent.
The food was ok ... for only $4 dollars an 8oz steak. The lot of us discussed Bush's economic policies and the origins of Oregon's excessive number of strip joints and micro brews per capita while dining at a strip club -- yes, we stuck out. All in all, it was quite the educational adventure.
This occurred after the strip club experience:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know what I hate?
I hate box wine. I hate crappy ass box wine, I'm serious. I had about 3 glasses of ice cold merlot last night (oh you have to serve it cold to cover the disgusting taste, trust me), and I was "hung over" this morning.
Me.
Sick to the stomach after 3 glasses of reddish 14% alcoholic liquid (not even a beverage, mind you).
I, who, after 6 double shots of Capt. Mo in an hour, still stands up straight, no hangovers, whatsoever, ...
... am sick to my stomach now.
Fuck that box wine, and fuck how I feel right now.
The moral of the story is:
Don't drink that shit. Just ... DON'T.
Let's see.
I sent out e-mails yesterday, so I got these replies back:
1. Lyllye Parker, who informed me that the science course works for a UO credit, so I gotta sign up ASAP;
2. Lori Manson, who informed me that I can request for a petition to substitute my multicultural/American Cultures requirement;
3. Crazy Jeff, my admissions director, who will send me contacts for summer housing.
Now, I still need these replies:
1. Dennis Galvan's, to confirm where he's at with my letter of recommendation;
2. Maram Epstein, for the same reason;
3. PSU Housing, which I just randomly sent an e-mail out to. Hopefully they'll have some good news for me in terms of summer housing.
Last night, I also finished putting together my preliminary schedule from June 19th to October 13th, 2007. It looks exciting enough since it includes:
1. Lots of intense schooling (including classes at 8am and ones that last 'til 10pm and Saturdays 9am classes -- yikes!);
2. Lots of opportunities for change, learning and making new friends;
3. Time for climbing and maybe volunteering at the Mercy Corps;
4. A 3-week trip to Japan and China;
5. Smith Rock camping trip;
6. Consulting work for a REAL company;
7. GRADUATION!
To get there, I still need to:
1. Petition UO AC course;
2. Get through UO science course;
3. Proof of internship at International Studies Program; (all 3 for UO diploma)
4. GRE (study it, and then take it!);
5. Push for letters of recommendation to be sent ASAP; (both to get into MIM @ PSU)
6. FAFSA;
7. Move out of parents' home into my own place;
8. Get a car.
Lots to do, but lots to look forward to.
Really, there's nothing like sunny days, life is on track, family and friends -- friends that you've known for years, but lost touch because, well, everyone's got their own lives, but the important part is that we all got back together.
Life is beautiful so far.
I guess I am just bored, and I decided to read some of my old blogs. Now I realize how far I've come ... from feeling completely miserable and unhappy about myself and my life to now .... Not that I'm absolutely fulfilled and satistfied, but I will tell you that I've never felt so at ease with being myself as I have the past couple of weeks. I've come a long way to realizing that there really isn't anything wrong with me -- I've come to free myself. What's wrong is how I've chosen to manage what I'm dealt with, what's innately "me," and, most of all, the lack of faith in that good things -- even wonderful things! -- can happen as long as I let it. I am the biggest project I've got. I can talk about changing the world, and I can even go at it. But really, if I can't reform myself and be happy with what I am and who I am, then there is very little that I can do for the world around me.
The road is long, but I think life will be good.
Wow, so my friend qualified for USAs in the 400 track. He's somewhere around the top 25 in the world and 13th in the US.
Damn proud of that guy!!
He said that if he can get a little faster, he might be able to go to Beijing in 2008.
And I said that if I work on my career, I might eventually get an overseas job in China.
So our deal is that we are going to work on our careers, and we'll rendez-vous Beijing at the Olympics in 2008.
Yay!! I'm proud of you, Matt! HUGE congrats!!
I'm officially an addict. (Nora!!! AHHHH! What did you DO to me! haha!!)
I woke up this morning, and I was thinking about this climbing problem I was working on last night at the gym. That's like my favorite problem so far because it made me feel like a ballerina on a wall. I understood where my center of gravity was; I understood what my extended right leg was supposed to do, which was to keep my posture balanced and as close to the wall as possible (and pretty) .... When I was in that position, I felt soo at home. I just can't wait to get back on it again in a few days (hip join and ankles need rest) and make my way through the whole problem.
The rest of the day at the gym went well, too. I learned to swing my weight around (you know, like how a monkey would) so that I don't wear my arm muscles down. I learned to just hang and rely on my skeletal structure naturally. I learned not to think too much and just trust my body and take risks (I just need to learn how to trust my foot holding more -- TRUST MY LEGS!) .... It's just been a great experience. And thankfully, there are so many supportive people there willing to teach me and challenge me to climb to the top, literally.
Wow. I can't believe I'm involved in a sport! (other than, say, singing opera -- hey, it takes more than you think!) hahaha!
Karma, I think, has a way of working. It's almost five in the morning, and I just got done with a great conversation with my mom ... part deux of a larger conversation, extending from a previous one. My mother and I probably have never had such a good conversation ever in my life, and I think she is finally starting to treat me seriously. I finally told her about some of my problems, including the depression that I've been dealing with for years ... turns out it's something genetic ... runs in the family. Through talking to her, I just realized how far I've come in developing my own sense of self, and I finally felt, more so than ever, like whole.
I have been experiencing so many changes in the past couple of weeks decision wise: grad school (which includes moving out and taking out my first 50,000 USD loan, and the whole nine yards), some semi-concrete plans for the next 5-year plan, started rock climbing, etc.. There are other things as well, such as realize how much I am worth, deciding on a new outlook on life and worldview, appreciating more of my family and friends, realizing who is in my circle of strength (those of whom I can rely on for strength), and more. Even though it's been overwhelming, I've never felt better in my life than these past couple of weeks.
For the first time in my life, I'm actually happy. No, I don't have set definition of "happiness". But for now, I know that I'm happy because I feel like I'm getting somewhere. I feel like I like myself more, thus more confident and self-assured. I feel more in control of myself and my life and more aware of my surroundings than ever before.
Yes, that is my happiness at age 23.
I don't want to dwell on what's yesterday, even though it was such a great day. And obviously, everyone would wish for happy days to come everytime the sun goes up, but even though that's not possible for me, I still hope for a bright day every morning -- I mean EVERY MORNING, especially during the darkest of my days.
And through these years, I have come to meet so many people that I know for sure will remain in my life forever. It's hard to say "forever," because it is such a long time, but there are times in your life when you know that it's appropriate to say it ... because it's just right. There are ones that I met as a child, during the first half of my life when I was in Hong Kong (you know who you are). There are ones that I came across during the junior high era. There are ones that crossed my path during my high school career, and also ones that walked with me during the college and post-college era.
Some of them have been with all through, some left and came back for their own individual reasons, some, though away and we rarely talk, remain in spirit because we both know that we think and care each other, and when we get to this kind of mutuality, talk is unnecessary .... The truth is that they are and always have been there.
I don't know if I have told them enough that they are important to me, and how big of a role they play in my life. Honestly, without them, I wouldn't be where I am now, which, when all things considered, is a very good place.
I just want to give thanks to them as well as whatever guiding power it is that brought all of us together. I can only hope that I have given them as much as they have given me.
Thank you.
PSU Estimate:
Tuition for regular school year = 24,000
Tuition for pre-requisite classes = 2,100
Asia Field Study = 3,900
Specialization classes = 2,744
Fees (student & health services) = 1,250
Books & Supplies = 2,000
Room $675 month x 14 months = 9,450
Board $234 month x 14 months = 3,276
Transportation $50/month x 14 months = 700
Personal $156/month x 14 months = 2,184
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOTAL = 51,604
MY Estimate:
Tuition for regular school year = 24,000
Tuition for pre-requisite classes = 2,100
Asia Field Study = 3,900
Specialization classes = 2,744
Fees (student & health services) = 1,250
Books & Supplies = 2,000
Room (rent and utilities, internet, cell phone)
$495 20 40 = 555
$555/month x 14 months = 7,770
Board (basically just food)
$200/month x 14 months = 2,800
Transportation
$50/month x 14 months = 700
Personal $134/month x 14 months = 1,876
Climbing $45/month x 2 (first 2) months = 90
$375/month x 12 months = 375
Micellaneous (move-in costs, etc.)
$210 = 210
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOTAL = 49,815
Well, considering what the loans will give me is according to the PSU estimate, that also means between the two numbers, I will still have about $1789 in difference ... whatever that means.
Geez, 50,000 USD. Some people would never imagine ever using that much money in their lives, ever.
This is my core group that I know will support me and are the closest to my heart, excluding my immediate family and kids. Not in any particular order:
1. Devlin
2. Emily
3. Valerie
4. Tracy
5. Ashley
6. Nora
7. Steffany
8. Natasha
9. Ken
10. Phil
11. Giovanni
12. Mary
13. Will
Dev,
It has been a good day today, as you know. I didn't get to hang out with Josh ... because he wouldn't have been able to take me home, which is really stupid because I still can't drive. But I'm taking some action to fix that. And you know what? I was exhausted from jumping around excited all day anyway. I haven't told you about my exciting experience at the seminar after I got off the phone with you, and the fact that I may be taking over my friend's lease and move in this August to downtown Portland, but I'll tell you that when you have time ... soon, hopefully. Before that, I must tell you this: remember that you told me I need to face up to the freshman year incident by teling someone? Well, I never told my parents, but I decided that tonight must end well, and I decided after today's great experience that I CAN do something about my life and heal (and not worry about whether Josh likes me or not anymore even if he doesn't think that I'm cool enough because I can't drive, which I AM self-conscious about or aren't "pretty enough" or cool enough in anyway), I decided to tell my cousin. I told my cousin, Phil, that I was raped my freshman year, how I went through my college career, and everything about my senior year (as much as I can cram into a hour and a half of AIM convo anyway, which was better than the phone because I could think before I speak and not let the choking tears get in the way of my voice) up until now. It was soooo therapeutic because we both found out so much about ourselves.
You know what we found out? He finally realized for the first time in his life that his grandfather -- our fathers' father -- committed suicide, was addicted to alcohol, was depressed and everything. Phil had no idea. He had stories told to him about Grammpa's death. He also realized that HE might have been dealing with depression as well ... at LEAST moodiness, but I believe it's definitely depression. Clinical depression, just like alcoholism, usually runs in families. And I believe that depression is something that is passed down to the kids in my family that THINK THE MOST ... Phil, for one, me, ... and I MUST watch out for Julia, our 11-yr-old cousin. She thinks a lot. She thinks so much. Her imagination runs far and wide, and one day, she might run into the same issue.
But what I realized is that this thing with my grandfather has always haunted me in some very subtle ways. I never realized it's impact, both physical and emotional, and both directly and indirectly, on me (and Phil). I realized that I miss him (or the idea of a grandfather anyway), and I wish that I had gotten to know him. Phil and I both realized that we have inherited from him not only his dangerous traits, but also his greatest (possibly): my grandfather must have been a brilliant man. For the level of education he received and the environment that he was in (post WWII and still heavily colonial), he was in the British Navy, and learned English, and was some sort of interpreter for the Navy. And the both of us are strong people. We never gave up even at our lowest of the low. My greatest achievement so far is possibly that I lived to see every morning (ok, not literally, coz I do sleep in late a lot, but you get what I mean) even after the worst of nights. It's as if my grandfather somehow endowed us with these strengths because he knew we'd need them, that he wish he hadn't done what he did, so to rectify it, he sent us these "powers". Of course, that's figurative, but you know what? Who knows? Maybe his spirit is what's holding me and Phil now.
I may never tell my parents, and they may never understand me because of that. But you know, I don't seek for them to understand me completely, now to think of it, because that's my past, and I don't want them to live there. I want to make up for that in a different way, with my future, in what I want to do with myself, in what I CAN do with myself, for a new relationship. I don't know when that will happen, but you know, it'll come when the time is right. I may tell my brother, Phil's brother, and, even later on, the little ones (Julia and Esther, who's 3). But the time for that will come ... when I feel it, they will know ... just like tonight with Phil.
After opening up, I feel actually safer. It was a good experience and good decision to tell Phil.
It's been a good day.
Thanks for being my friend.
Love you loads.
PS. Dennis wrote me back.
Elaine
I just had the best day in a long long while!
The sun was shining, the people were nice, the whole grad school prospect is looking GOOD, good friend's company, inspiring seminar, knowing my direction, being proactive, making new friends, smiling, talking, learning, sushi, new favorite cafe, new apartment for this summer, confidence, hope ....
The only thing is that I didn't get to hang out with someone I wanted to hang out with at the end of the day. Hey, but nothing can ever be perfect. Gotta leave some part to the future so that you have something to look forward to. This guys ... just (re)met him a few days ago (supposedly met him years ago, but I have absolutely no recollection of that), and he turns out to be an interesting guy: kinda crazy, kinda fun, musical, nice, easy to talk to ... right up my alley. Gotta love people like that. MUST make another effort to hang out with him again.
So next on the agenda would be financial aid and studying for the GRE, and then getting registered for classes!! I'm so so so stoked, you have no idea. This program really blends my BA background with the real world so well, and is so relevant to what I want to do in the future. And the learning atmosphere is just great.
Wow. This is must be how being in love feels like. hahaha!
Oh, life is going to be good.
(Thank God or the guiding spirit of mine or whatever it is that I am here, happy, after at least a hard year of 2005.)
(By the way, I woke up this morning, did some stuff, turned open the blinds, and I saw a black cat walking on my driveway. Then I thought to myself, "It's either gonna be a reeeeaally bad day, or a grrrreat day." Well, it turned out to be an exceptionally great day. Funny, eh?)
My sweet cousin, Phil, gave me this (Love you, Philly!):
-----------------Girls-------------------
------------are like apples-------------------
--------on trees. The best ones-----------
------are at the top of the tree.--------
----The boys dont want to reach------
---for the good ones because they ------
-are afraid of falling and getting hurt.----
Instead, they just get the rotten apples-
---from the ground that aren't as good,
but easy. So the apples at the top think
-something is wrong with them, when in
---reality, they're amazing. They just---
---have to wait for the right boy to-------
----- come along, the one who's-----------
----------- brave enough to-----------------
---------------climb all----------------------
--------------- the way---------------------
---------------to the top--------------------
---------------of the tree.------------------
Frick'n shyt! I just remembered how obnoxious I can be when I am drunk. Yeah, haven't been getting inebriated for a while. No, I wasn't shitty, and by drunk I only meant about 8 beers and a little of hard A. But, boy, was I a frick'n loud one. Hey now, granted that I was a complete ass, it was pretty fun and interesting. And I love singing Disney songs.
(Yay for Cinco de Mayo, Seis de Mayo ... Everyday de Mayo!)
I've been experiencing a lot of new stuff lately. I started understanding a little more about myself -- realizing why I failed at what I did before, and what I'm good at, what I like, learning from all these things. I'm trying to gain my intuition back -- you know, the innate ability to listen to yourself, to your spirit. I have a feeling that something awaits me around the corner -- not that it augurs well or ill for anything; I'm saying I don't know -- but I look forward to it nonetheless.
I'm going to start rock climbing. I feel that my mind is a lots stronger than my body -- and I don't know my body very well! -- so I need this opportunity to let my body grow, to get to know this body of mine, this powerful instrument I have.
This is great. I have a great feeling about this coming year.
Rock climbing is awesome.
It's hard, but it's fuck'n awesome, I'll tell you that.
(And Nor, I looove you!)
You should try it.
Aaaaalll righty. Let's get organized here.
Application forms and processing fee .............................................. DONE
Ask Dennis and Maram for letters of recommendation .................... Tonight
AC Petition ................................................................................... Tonight
Sign up for GRE ............................................................................ Tonight
E-mail admissions director ............................................................. Tonight
W Petition ............................................................................... Tomorrow
Sign up for course at PCC ...................................................... Tomorrow
Financial Aid .......................................................................... Tomorrow
Chat with the Parental Unit ....................................................... Tomorrow
GRE Prep .............................................................................. Wednesday
Class (5-10) .......................................................................... Wednesday
GRE Prep ............................................................................. Thursday
Financial Aid ......................................................................... Thursday
Rock Climbing with Nora ...................................................... Thursday
Class (10-3) ........................................................................... Friday
Cinco de Mayo ....................................................................... Weekend
City Tree by Dan S, inspired by stiletto.love.
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