e-Bomb, the fire cracker in a small package. e-Bomb, the philosopher. e-Bomb, the late bloomer staging her own life revolution. e-Bomb, the history watcher. e-Bomb, the lover. e-Bomb, the friend. Welcome to My World. Here's my story.
Val: what do you have faith in
Me: That the world can be better and that I am going to be a part of that change. I have faith that no matter how my family treats me, they are still trying to care for me. I have faith that I have some of the world's best of people as friends. I have faith that I will exceed the capabilities I have now as I learn along the way.
Me: Um, yeah, I don't know. I think I have faith in more than I thought.
This entry is to remind myself ...
1) not to expect things to be like the US; and
2) to keep an open mind.
* Thanks, Amanda!
I just refused an old co-worker when he wanted to kiss me tonight. Now, let me just comment on this.
I will announce this new policy, effective immediately:
I will not grant kisses, which are defined as being those on the lips with the expectation by the oppositing party to purge any romantic feelings, for 1) charity and/or 2) "trophy."
In laymen's terms, I will not make the following examples or scenarios related to them in broad terms as reasons to kiss anyone:
1) "Aww! I guess I will kiss him, since he wants it so much, and I can't say no or else he will feel bad," coz I WILL say no;
2) "Aww! We've known each other for so long, and we might not ever see each other again, and he's probably expecting for me to kiss him so I can't disappoint him, and he's so nice to me, so I guess I will kiss him," coz being nice to me isn't enough to "earn" a kiss or two.
Kisses are only granted for four self-evident points: 1) passion, 2) friendship/care, 3) intimacy, and/or 4) any spontaneity on my part.
Yeah, stinger, huh?
Just wanna say ...
1. I am determined to get out of my parents house and their (emotional) premises as soon as possible because they are such a bad influence on me. Nothing like an ice cold pail of discouragement from the parental units, I assure you. So there are a few choices: a) if I find a job in Hong Kong that offers me a living stipend, I am going to live out; b) jet over to Japan as soon as I get a placement; c) Peace Corp, like I always have wanted to; d) Teach for America, which is just as meaningful. Damn, I'm actually scared.
2. CHICAGO IS AN AMAZING MOVIE!!! I really should have seen it a long time ago, but I'm like that ... always not only 1 step, but about 25 steps behind the times. Watching this movie makes me want to take dance lessons again!!! I miss musical theatre! I want to move! I want to sing! I miss the razzle dazzle and all that jazz ... literally!
3. RENT COMES OUT ON NOVEMBER 23!!! Even though I won't be here for it, I am still going to be stoked along side with all the RENTheads all over the world!
Ok, that's all.
Someone was very nice to send me this following message on MySpace. It's always nice to hear that my pain, joy and experience makes a difference. Thank you.
Date: Aug 31, 2005 4:17 PM Subject: thanks
I read your blogs on love and loss and moving on, and they were illumating, inspiring, and truly moving. I've been going through heartbreak for the last several months, and your words are in some way comforting. the part about being forgotten really spoke to me. the same is true of your comments about the different ways in which we all move on, forget, hold on, hope and whatever else we do to ease the pain.
anyway, thanks for sharing that stuff with the world. I hope to summon the same kind of courage you have in order to confront my pain.
keep being real.
peace
D
You love him, you hate him. You want the best for him, you don't wanna care about him. You wonder how he's doing, don't wanna know.
Some learn to let go completely, some never let go. Some hide it somewhere, some make peace with the person and have a healthy relationship. And many are in between.
And I ... I don't know where I'm at.
No matter how well-read you are, no matter how intelligent and smart you are, it doesn't help. You just gotta be wise and learn that the experience is what you will get after you need it, and hope that it will help you the next time.
You know who you are, and I know what you're doing. I know you have offered me up to the lairs of your unforgiving -- and uninformed -- peers just to see me suffer. I know.
I am not afraid -- and have not been afraid -- to admit that I have wronged you. For that, I will be reminded for the rest of my life. I have not been afraid to admit that I have been miserable -- much to your satisfaction -- for the pain I have caused you and for the pain I have received from you. I also am not afraid to admit that your tactics to cause me pain have been successful to the fullest degree. I carry the burdens of guilt from the past, depression of the future, and hope for a better future, and I will admit that at times, I feel too weak for the task.
But are you unafraid to admit that you have wronged me, as I have admitted that I have wronged you -- with no "buts"? And do you have the courage to stop mangling my mind to make me feel I deserved to be tortured for the rest of my life (without so many words)?
Don't forget that you unleashed havoc upon me, too, and destroyed what was left of my dignity. I was angry, and I showed you unkind ways to shame. But I then realized that I was wrong, and the indignant way to put blame on a person is as destructive as to slea a part of his soul. I was and am sorry. And I never did it again and never will.
But you never realized. You showed no mercy, for mercy is not a part of your tactic against me -- indignation is.
I know for me to cut contact with you is to disappoint you because I would effectively put an end to your addiction of retaliation against me. But, see clearly, for I am giving you and me a new way to live. If I cannot mend for you what is broken, at least I will help you to a new start. This is my ultimate sacrifice for you -- to cut off an intimate part of me -- for you to start anew, for whatever it is worth to you. I try; I really try to make it right at least one last time out of love and respect for you and for me.
Now you know I know what you are doing. You have offered me up to the lion's lair, and urged the beasts on to rip me apart, while you cheered, hiding. But I will carry the wounds not a moment more because I believe not in your respect for me, for you have none, but in the best of you to do what is right before this addiction of hatred against me consumes your soul.
Kids, I suggest that you never do anything you will regret, never do anything you know is wrong, never hurt anybody if you can help it, because whether it is entirely your fault, or what the entire story is, no one cares.
People will still talk about you badly behind your back, they will still hate you, they will still point fingers at you, they will still write defamatory songs about you, they will curse you 'til the end of time, wishing you will never see sunshine in your life every again, and they will not care what you have gone through to get to this point in life or why you did what you did. (Ever read Nathaniel Hawthorne's The Scarlet Letter? Yeah, that's the idea.)
Life is unforgiving, and so are those around you. What is more is that you will be the most unforgiving out of all the people surrounding you. You will hate yourself and chastise your sanity away until it disappears. Your life and your future will start to wither away before your eyes because you will compare your life to those of others while you're down and depressed. You will feel hat you will never get to where they are.
All those things you know other people are sayign about you -- you will start to believe them. And you will feel valueless and worthless. There will be days when you are high on life, but then you'll crash at night. You will be glad that you're alive on some days, but it is the other days in between when you toss and turn and your insides twist -- that's when you will want to just disappear, or fall asleep and never to wake up, while reserving half a sliver of hope that God might have mercy on you and grant you a pleasant dream.
So if you're every tempted to do somethign you think you might regret, don't do it. Conversely, if you think you will regret not doing something, chances are, you are right.
Ever thought of what you can do in your life that will make you happy? Ever wondered what you are destined to do with your life? Ever had a tough time answering? I did.
But, one day long ago, I was studying about hte world at school of Model United Nations, when a little voice inside me said gently, like a snowflake falling on tops of roofs and trees, but surely, like a warrior on a mission that never looks back, "This is it," and it gave me the goosebumps.
The next class, I heard the little voice and got the goosebumps again, and the time after that, and the time after that.
That's how I knew I have to help change the world for the rest of my life to give me goosebumps, to make me happy, to shake me to tears -- to bring me alive.
(Wait. Listen. That little voice inside will tell you how your story goes.)
A friend of mine posted this elsewhere. I thought it applies quite adequately.
I remember when getting high meant swinging at the playgrouns. The worst thing you could get from a girl was cooties. Race issues were who could run the fastest. The only thing you smoked was the tires on your bike. Life was so simple and carefree, but the thing I remember the most was wanting to grow up.
You wonder why some people would decide to enter you life, be important and then exit suddenly and abruptly. You wonder whether it's something you did wrong, or what else it could be. And no matter how hard you try to find out why, it always feels like chasing after a balloon or trying to catch a shadow, one flying higher the more you try, the other simply impossible. And the only thing you can think of realistically doing is to walk out on theirs just the same, though on your end, it seems more like defeat and retreat rather than choice.
From my Perpetual Travel calendar: "Travel is filled with the promise of fulfillment, but only for those willing to gamble that a journey, like a kiss, can have the power of magic."
I admire righteousness and justice, even though these things are sometimes dangerous, as proven in history.
A statement I once read roughly went as follow: "The cry of the poor is not always just, but if you don't listen to it, you will never know what justice is." The deaf ear is too often the reason for crimes committed in the name of human progress over and over again. Why do we have to regret what we did or did not do when we could open our eyes and ears and minds to learn the lesson, to not regret anymore our crimes?
Regrets, like the historian Howard Zinn wrote, "... [D]eplete our moral energy for the present." The point is not to "grieve over victims and denounce executioners," because, as time went on, we have learned that the line between "victim" and "executioner" isn't always clear. Rather, the point is to uncover the hidden truths by listening to the voices of those we have refused to listen, so that we can no longer deny what once was right but is wrong, so that we can resist what was and could be a cycle of neverending injustice.
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"If we don't act, the window will close, and we will always regret what we did not do in the year 2005" (Jen Egeland, UN Relief Coordinator).
An interesting bulletin I read:
You know you're living in 2005 when......................
1) you accidentally enter your pin number on a microwave
2) you haven't played solitaire with real cards in years
3) thE reaL reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have a screen name
4) you'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing to button on the tv.
6) your boss dont even have the ability to do your job.
7) you read this list, & keep nodding and smiling
8) as you read this list, you think about sending it to all your
friends
9) and.. you were to busy to notice number 5.
10) you actually scrolled back up to check that there was no 5
11) & now you're laughing at your stupidity
Somebody posted this on a bulletin a short while back. It has lingered in my mind, and I thought I should share this:
As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.
City Tree by Dan S, inspired by stiletto.love.
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