e-Bomb, the fire cracker in a small package. e-Bomb, the philosopher. e-Bomb, the late bloomer staging her own life revolution. e-Bomb, the history watcher. e-Bomb, the lover. e-Bomb, the friend. Welcome to My World. Here's my story.
To spend:
1. 24Hour Fitness gym membership;
2. new underwear;
3. a new bra;
4. car insurance;
5. Aubrey face products from Whole Foods;
6. Sweater;
7. Dry clean my peacoat.
Wishlist:
1. a sleek portable camera for the fun occasions;
2. an iPod case;
3. the PERFECT purse;
4. a good pair of work shoes;
5. pedicure + manicure;
6. a new computer;
7. a new wardrobe of work clothes.
I'm still seeking that innate sense of security. I'm not an especially insecure person like I used to be (though everyone is insecure about something), but that inner peace and inner balance is what I'm still looking for. I don't want a flotation device; I want to be comfortable laying in water, knowing there is dry land in my heart.
0 comments Labels: inner balance, inner peace, sense of security
Sometimes, I really feel like my Body, my Mind and my Self have their own consciousness, their own wants. The trick isn't really to make them "become ONE" (I'm just not Zen enough, and I'm fine with that), but to just get them to get along ... at least that.
I didn't know my heart is so much like a Pringle: crunchy, easily crushed to bits. But it's also like memory foam: malleable, high in viscosity, durable, moulds to any given environment
I posted this in my very first blog back on June 8th of 2005, about 2 years ago. Lately this quote pranced back into my mind. In light of my life now, it rings true more than ever.
"As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once, and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts, too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back."
Easily the best new soul/R&B artist I've heard in the past many years, Corinne Bailey Rae, from the United Kingdom, has the voice, musicality and lyrics to match. Ever tried coffee you thought isn't very strong, but you don't realize the kick until you've tried it? Corinne Bailey Rae's music is just like that. Her soulful voice, like silk, delicately tells you about love, passion, heartbreak and life. Like small raindrops in early fall, her music is a treat.
'Til It Happens to You
corinne bailey rae
I know what I said
Was heat of the moment
But theres a little truth in between the words we've spoken
Its a little late now to fix the heart thats broken
Please don't ask me where I'm going
Cause I don't know
No I don't know anymore
It used to feel like heaven
Used to feel like may
I used to hear those violins playing heart strings like a symphony
Now they've gone away
Nobody wants to face the truth
But you wont believe what love can do
Till it happens to you
Till it happens to you
Went to the old flat
Guess I was trying to turn the clock back
How come that nothing feels the same now when I'm with you
We used to stay up all night in the kitchen
When our love was new
Oooh love I'm a fool to believe in you
Cause I don't know
No I don't know
Anymore
It used to feel like heaven
It used to feel like may
I used to hear those violins playing heart strings like a symphony
Now they've gone away
Nobody wants to know the truth
Until their hearts broken
Don't you dare tell them
What you think to do
Till they get over
You can only learn these things
From experience
When you get older
I just wish that someone would have told me
Till it happens to you
Till it happens to you
Till it happens to you
0 comments Labels: Corinne Bailey Rae, R and B, soul
I think you must always be able to know the difference between being swept off your feet and being tripped on your feet.
See, I thought I fell in love. It turns out I just fell ... really hard.
I really don't have anything deep to say other than:
1. My new phone is totally awesome!
2. My new iPod is totally awesome!
3. My girls are totally awesome!
4. My Saturday with co-workers is going to be totally awesome!
5. My Sunday climbing is going to be totally awesome!
6. Smiling is totally awesome!
7. Writing blogs is totally awesome!
8. Hanging with my bro and his friends was totally awesome!
OK. I'll stop.
0 comments Labels: awesomeness, Life
My new favorite restaurant is PAMBICHE!!!
They seriously have THE BEST Cuban food in town. I mean, the atmosphere is great, the food is great, the drinks are great.
And I went on a good night with GREAT company!
Thank you, Nathan. You're just way cool. You're totally one of the coolest guys I've ever met. I am glad I saw the crisp blue sky with such good company -- you know that sky will never be the same, right? It was totally unique ... just you and me, buddy! Bring that to Japan! :)
And thank you, Andi, for introducing me to the restaurant! You're way cool, too! :-D
0 comments Labels: Cuban food, Pambiche, Portland
You know what? Money sucks.
Why? Coz I can't live without it.
Check it out:
1. I need a new cell phone plan. My parents are kicking me off ... finally. I saved sooo much money (that I didn't have - haha!). I think I'm going to try something new. Probably HELIO. I know! I know! It's so stupid teenager-ish! "I can't believe you! It's not a phone; it's a Helio!" *running upstairs sobbing* (I laughed everytime this commercial came on!) But it's only 65 dollars a month with EVERYTHING: 500 minutes, unlimited texting, internet, GPS, and other things. Except the phone (the fun one anyway) is kinda clunky and pricey ... though, it has a type pad on it. It's got a lot of the clunky iPhone's functions (I know, even the iPhone is clunky to me - I'm picky like that), but none of it's type pad issues ... and about half its price. And it's got a 30-day trial period, so I'll check it out maybe this weekend. :)
2. I need a good and cheap car insurance plan so that I can actually USE MY CAR. It's an old one, and I own it, so I probably will only need a liability. If it's a nice car, or if I'm still paying it off, then that's another story.
3. I need a gym membership to get my ass working out again! Remember the ripped bod I had a year ago? Yeah, I want that back ... and I'm gonna keep it this time!!
4. I need a climbing membership because I want to do something I LOVE! Period!
5. I need to keep paying the damn school for my damn bills.
6. I will need a new computer before school starts ... probably at the beginning of 2008. Hopefully they'll have good deals then and their technology will be better. I mean, it really is just that -- if I'm gonna spend money on something, it's better as hell be worth my while, AND it's gotta make me smile everytime I see it!
"I feel like I'm getting hospitalized, while my love life is off sipping on margaritas in the Bahamas somewhere -- on vacation with no notice. Fair? I think not!" ~ me, during a conversation with Patrick
Later, Nathan and I had a conversation that went:
Nathan: "You have to like yourself more, and start shooting higher up the food chain ...."
Me: "I'm tired of shooting anywhere. The next time I shoot, I might kill someone. So, no. ... But I will definitely start liking myself more."
Me: "What is up with people? It's like they always want to tell me how I should be. I'm an easy target ... like red sports cars on the freeway ... they always have cops on their backs."
Nathan: "Yeah, you just have to analyze the advice and see if it is worth anything."
Me: "Well, let's practice. Let me read that advice again and see what I think."
Seconds later ...
Me: "No. It's like an expert reading one of those something for Dummies books."
0 comments Labels: love life
Post-Subscription Trauma
I'm still angry. I can't seem to grasp how I can get over this anger bordering hatred. For other people, it might come out differently, like an explosion. For me, it's a quiet seething poison that eats up no one else but me from the inside out.There's a good reason why I am not in high school anymore.
There's a better reason why I moved on to college and went to other countries, to see other things, and meet other people.
There's a more awesome reason why I decided to continue getting my masters, to continue to see new things, to meet new people, and to realize that life isn't a race (to what end? to paying bills? getting stuck with a house and other responsibilities that I have the rest of my life for? that's almost funny to me).
Now to look back (and it'll become even more painfully evident as time goes on), I truly have outgrown it all, and I have needed more all along.
And that's all because of my insatiable desire to grow.
Why do we say "Thanks" each day?
At the cash register, do we say "Thanks" to the clerk behind the counter out of habit? I mean, if we don't mean it in the first place, then why do we even waste our breath?
I believe that a genuine "Thanks" can go a long way.
One day, I was at a Burger King with my mother -- yes, I do eat fast food occasionally. There I saw the crankiest lady taking orders.
"NEXT OVER HERE!" she hollered. Well, I guess the urgency in her voice really helped to move the clueless customers along pretty well -- it was my turn in no time flat.
But while I was waiting, I thought, "Why is she here? I wonder if she's got three kids, their daddy/daddies all left. She's gotta work two jobs, 80-hour weeks, standing on her feet until they hurt so bad she can't feel them anymore. She goes home in grease from the fries. It's so stubbornly stuck on her scalp that she just can't get it out anymore, like the honorary badge of hard work that no one wants. And what about her dreams? What did she want to do before she got here? What about her friends -- does she even have time for friends? What about her kids? I wonder if they love their mother enough, so that her efforts here and everywhere will at least be worth the while. Some people say it's the "Black Man's Burden" (or Black Woman's Burden, in this case), and maybe it's true. Or maybe it is just across the board everywhere in the world, where life just grinds the soul out of you."
I walked up there, intended to be nice. She stared at me with no intensity in her eyes. It was a weak, careless gaze that shows only half her spirit. I wonder where the other half is -- maybe far, far away where no one can go after her.
That's when I realized I was really no different to her than anyone else in line even though I understood maybe at least a small piece of her world -- at least I spent the time to wonder.
But I was also determined to make her life better for at least one second, so I did what no one else in line did.
I smiled ... from my heart.
I looked her in the eyes and smiled.
Then, the most amazing thing happened: her eyes brightened up.
Her eyes. Her spirit came back for a moment. And then she smiled, too.
Do you know how sacred that moment was? No, not just for me. I know it wasn't because it was a shared moment. She knew I was for real.
"Um, can I have the Number 5, please, with Coke?"
"Sure. That'll be $5.39."
She turned around to the French fry making machine. Maybe it was my imagination, but I might have detected something of a spring to her steps.
You know, maybe after all, we all just want to be reached out to. We all just want to be understood and be respected for just being present.
She handed me my food (ick, greasy, I know).
I looked at her in the eyes again and said, "Thank you very much!" Yes, thank you. I thanked her for being there because without her help, I would have been hungry. I thanked her for struggling to live so that people like me can live to dream. After all, it is people like her that make the foundation of a society -- the work that is undesirable still must be done. So really, fast food workers, construction workers, janitors, ... they are no better than I am, and I am no better than they are. We need each other.
Life is hard enough. If we can't make it at least a little bit easier on each other, then what's the point?
She smiled again. How she bloomed! And with a split second of hesitation, like she wondered if she was really meeting the first genuine person in ages, she said, "You're welcome."
"I can help whoever's next!" she said, but this time much gentler.
Just a thank you with a smile -- a genuine smile from the heart. This I believe.
Well, with this ...
Date: September 23, 2007 12:22am
Subject: This is interesting ....
Body:
I really didn't want to bother you, but I can't help but to notice that you've subscribed to my blog.
WHY are you doing this?
In (the most likely) case that you're keeping tabs on what I'm saying on my blog, I haven't said anything terrible about you. In fact, I haven't written about you for a while. I don't want to feel like I'm being monitored for what I'm writing.
Perhaps the tasteful thing for anyone in your position to do at this point is to unsubscribe?
Hope all's well.
... he unsubscribed. I still don't understand why he did though! WHY? Just to torture me, as if he didn't do enough? Ugh. Please.
Thanks, guys, for all the support. He was giving me SO MUCH anxiety, it's not even funny. For about a month and a half, I was getting anxiety attacks -- serious "I need a paper bag" kind of anxiety attacks. I thought I was going to get them for years to come. Luckily, it stopped after my attitude changed with my grandmother's death. That's her parting gift to me: peace of mind.
This time, it was the anxiety of being watched. Imagine having savagely bitten by dogs and having the same dogs stare at you hours on end each day. Or ... it's the same as having been shot and to see a gun drawn on you again. (I've had an old boyfriend pound on my door late at night to get me to let him in a few years ago. Now I still get nervous whenever I hear even just a knock on the door.)
Nah, old wounds don't always heal right. You can always feel it underneath your skin. The trick is to let it hurt and control your reactions.
Obviously, I'm not there yet. I'm getting there though.
I wonder if it's just coincidence, but I happened to have a lot of Piscean friends.
Pisceans Unite!
YES YES YES YES!
MY NEW iPOD COMES ON THURSDAY OR FRIDAY!
YES YES YES YES!
0 comments Labels: iPod
Before I go to bed, I just have to say that even though my current book of choice is "25 Ultimate Experiences: Adventure Travel", next on the list is "The Lonely Planet Guide to Experimental Travel". It gives you a list of travel experiences that are experimental - definition of which is undefined. Basically anything OTHER than touristy travelling. Like, (this one everyone's familiar with) take, say, Hula girl with you and pictures at wherever you happened to travel to. Or travel according to the places in the game of Monopoly. Check it out. If nothing else, it's entertaining.
Also, World Cavalcade just came out with their 2007-08 Travel and Adventure Film Series. Films show at The Scottish Rite Center (1512 SW Morrison).
For example:
"A European Journey from Prague to Paris"
"Vietnam: Land of Surprises"
"Sahel: A West African Adventure"
"New Zealand"
These are just a few. 70 dollars for a 7-show season package.
I'm tempted to jump in. Anyone else?
I heard Rahzel (only the GODFATHER OF BEATBOXING!) will be performing at the Hawthorne Theatre on Wednesday. I wish I could go. :(
Well, maybe I could ... anyone wanna come?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After some poking around, we've found that Rahzel actually CANCELLED the concert! The one-man show, Rahzel, Godfather of Noise ... is not coming! Saaaaaad!
WHY??????
An 80GB iPod. Good Lord! I need more music.
I've found that I really like Bjork (I used to like her when I was in the 6th grade, but we had a falling out when grungey late 90s alternative came around - haha!). Her voice and vocal style bug the hell out of me, but once I get past that, her music is actually very creative.
I also really like the ambient/electronic kinda stuff, like Enigma. Not so much Techno - never really developed a taste for that sort. But maybe House music - that's different. Music from other countries, like MC Solaar from France, Ellegarden from Japan. Oh, I also like stuff like Rahzel and Imogen Heap.
Never forget the contemporary rock and pop music. I've found that I rather enjoy power pop, like The Click Five (their old stuff before they got a new singer) and Good Charlotte. I also like Linkin Park - yes, I do. Oh, even Christina Aguilera and Kelly Clarkson. Underneath the glitz, I wonder if people really understand how much talent these people have. Takes a wide-range singer to know another singer, trust me.
A cappella, Sarah Brightman, Charlotte Church, Oldies - I love Oldies! - are all good! Classical and movie/film/program music is very very good. Love it all! I also like Disney songs. hahaha!
Of course, as always, I like my jazz and blues, my old school Big Band music. Good ole Tony Bennett, Barry Manilow, Frank Sinatra, Nat King Cole ... yeah. :)
I'm still looking for good stuff. Give me some suggestions.
Announcement, Everyone ...
I've got a sore throat, so I might not be able to go to a gathering tomorrow if it gets worse.0 comments Labels: iPod
Why is he subscribed to my blog????
Ahhh!
I left you alone! What else do you want??
(I mean, if one must 'spy' on someone else, at least do it covertly and discretely ... live up to the idea of 'spying'.)
1 comments Labels: ex-boyfriend woes, spy
My friend, Nathan, has this to say about life, and I just love it:
"Life ... it is one of the most interesting things I have had the good fortune to come across."
[Of course, it's more interesting when you find that your fortune cookie has this to say:
"An unexpected event will soon make your life more exciting."]
:)
I knew I was going to be at least OK when I smiled from my heart one day walking down the street. I saw other people smile, that's why I smiled. I thought something in the air -- just something -- was beautiful.
For about a month before that, I was in absolute misery ... emotional hell. The grief was tearing me up. I was broken -- no, I will say that because I am not afraid to admit defeat. Life schooled me.
But at no point did I ever doubt that I will be more than just OK. The fact of the matter is I've always had options even when I didn't feel that way. My life is a multi-door building: when one door closes, another opens. I suppose I just got lucky like that.
And I never doubted that I will be happy again -- maybe not in the same way, but I knew at least I will be ecstatic about feeling alive. I just never lost faith in the beauty of small things, of smiles, of the sky and the earth and the stars and the flowers, of loyalty, of goodness. No, I never forgot that if I can't find pleasure in my own life (and sometimes life does get sucky), then I've got to find pleasure in whatever that is arounding me. This I believe.
I also never doubted that I can change -- I can improve. I never gave in to the temptation of the so-called "simple honesty" of "this is just the way I am", which is nothing but a convenient dismissal, a more convoluted way of saying "Whateva! I do what I want!". If I can't reinvent myself as I see suited, then my life will come to a standstill. I would cease to find new ways to feel alive. I refuse to give up my right, my privilege and my responsibility to change myself. I can be better. This I also believe.
But this isn't just about being lucky; this is about really wanting something, really understanding something, and really making a decision to doing something, to positively believe in life and its intrigues.
Now, 2 months later, I am looking forward, smiling.
How exactly have we come to tolerate people with "the emotional depth of a teaspoon"?? (No, this isn't just a "guy problem". This is a "people problem".)
The worst is when they have also been afflicted with The God Complex. The most grotesque part is when they parade around with their emotional atheism and market it as wisdom. When you don't buy it, they call you a fool.
Are you freak'n kidding me?
Please! I'm embarrassed for you!
I imagine the emotional gauntlet during the job hunt after graduation to be a little/a lot like post-partum depression, where you've carried the bittersweet burden and made it into a ripe fruit. And now, you're free! ... But then, what? Your lightness gives you a sense of loss.
Anybody who doesn't understand the distress, anxiety and depression of a job hunt hasn't really hunted for a job.
I'm proud of you, graduates ... especially my MIMmers (I just have to be biased)!
0 comments Labels: graduation, job hunt, MIM
While I was talking to my brother tonight at dinner, I came up with the following.
Many grad students I've met are in grad school because:
1) They either realize what you're doing isn't what they want to do; or
2) They realize they don't have enough credentials as they went along; or
3) They are liberal arts graduates; or
4) They just love school that much.
[And please, all ye grad students/graduates, add your own criteria/reasons. I'm interested in hearing what you think.]
Looks like I'm 2, 3 and a bit of 4. :-D
I went to dinner with my family tonight - just my parents, my brother, and me. We went to this horrendous Asian buffet restaurant in Beaverton that, somehow, my father has developed a taste for. I suppose it's not about the food - I'm grateful that I have enough to eat! - it's about the company, no? :)
Well, the point about this blurb is that ...
.my fortune cookie has this to say:
"An unexpected event will soon make your life more exciting."
I wonder what unexpected event. I wonder exciting in what ways. haha!
I'm giddy.
0 comments Labels: family, fortune cookie
If you go on with your own life, your own paycheck, your own bills, your own dream for a trailer or a better car or a bigger house --
no, there is nothing wrong with that --
but one day, you'll wonder, "Did I make a difference?"
Let it be known that I was happy today. Today was a good day. I cleaned my room, talked with friends, had dinner with my family (and it was good), talked to my uncle in Hong Kong, planned my activities throughout the week, tried on new clothes, ...
... and I realized how good my life is and how much better it will be; how much I have to look forward to and how much I can let stay in the past.
Today really was a good day.
My friend, Nathan, who is in my master program, who is very smart, and is a very nice guy, said:
"Yeah, everyone wondered what the hell you were doing with him [Brian] ... anyone that talked to him that I talked to.
I almost threw him off Naoki's roof [a friend of our in the program].
I don't think he pissed anyone off. He was just an idiot. I was trying to save the world from him reproducing ... and saving you from him.
He was just one of the most stupid people I've ever met. He could not follow a conversation to save his life.
[We were talking about] just general stuff maybe you see in the news or whatever, or basic history, like elementary school. And he would start talking about his union and crap, buying a trailer to live in ... he was very excited about getting his own trailer to live in. He was pathetic."
hahahahaha! I couldn't stop laughing, especially the part about him all of a sudden start talking about his union and his own trailer ... CLASSIC!
I wonder if my life will ever stop being in transition. 24 years of transitions. Well, at least I have that as a constant.
You know,
I am my own person
my own soul
my own being
in this world I call
my own.
Maybe
I shouldn't take it so personally
that someone couldn't handle
all that I am.
Or maybe
I should take it that personally
that someone didn't keep his word
and conveniently chalked it up as
"the end will justify the pain" and
"you are better off without me".
(But if one cannot even keep a
commitment,
then, what's the point in having
any relationship?)
Maybe
it's better to let it all be nothing,
to take neither sides.
Or maybe
you can't afford to
teeter
in
the
middle
;
you've got to take a stand in life
somehow.
0 comments Labels: Life
To Mary: Late night venting
I've been torturing myself tonight by reading messages Brian and I exchanged when things were good. I used to write him a lot. And even though he wasn't good about writing back or even talking to me to follow up, I still wrote him. I trusted that our feelings were mutual. Writing to him - that was how I communicated to him.
When did I stop writing? I think it was half way through the relationship, when I decided to take a break from school.
His feelings for me started to change then. His respect for me started to dwindle. Without respect, there can't be love. It's just not sustainable without respect. Sure enough, several months after, especially after February, things really started to change in very subtle ways. I believe that he still really tried to stay in love with me during those months, but he had a hard time dealing with staying connected with me. He had a hard time understanding what I was going through. He was also wrapped up with the idea that it "wasn't in the deal" for him to "support me" financially -- aka. to live with him rent free until I found a job (which I did), aka. to help me out. The "perfect girlfriend" suddenly became a liability.
And because I was depressed about my own situation to begin with (school problems were caused by old problems, starting with the rape), I was ultra sensitive to his how he was judging me, which made me feel even worse. In the end, I just stopped telling him anything about me. It wasn't because I didn't have anything more interesting going on in my life anymore since I stopped school (he mistook this as me starting to become uninteresting); I just ... got tired and gave up on trying to tell him, and decided to wait for "better days" instead.
But the depression sank in. I stopped wanting to do anything, stopped being active in my body and mind, ... but started being grumpy and uncomfortable. All of this, he mistook as me being lazy and content with my life living at his house - yet, I was anything BUT content. I just lost interest in living my own life because I ceased to see light in it and I could solicit not enough support from him, my then closest ally. Our fights became more intense. Our relationship experienced a continental drift.
And because he didn't understand what was going on with me and had made assumptions about who I was (that I have changed and have become lazy), he decided that this relationship wasn't for him, that it's "not supposed to be this hard".
Well, but if he had asked, or wondered about the situation from a different perspective or point of view, he would have (obviously) found a different way to negotiate our "relationship crisis". I feel that this had been a giant misunderstanding.
But of course, it takes a certain type of person who has a certain type of life experience to look at things from a different perspective to begin with. He wasn't someone like that, so I guess things wouldn't have worked out anyway.
I just wish that he could have looked at it - and me - differently. Now, I find that I have to fight to stay positive about myself because of how much (or how little, rather) he valued me. Can't help it, no matter how well I know how much I value. The price we all pay for love, ... right?
But think: just a small "what if I thought about things differently" at the beginning could have made all the difference! Just a "what if". We had a lot of potential. Now they're all gone because of just those two little words. Wow.
Still, today, no matter how resentful I am towards him, I continue to yearn for the one day when we can resolve this misunderstanding. I still hope that one day, we can finally come to an understanding, an "OH, so THAT'S what really happened!" He is a good person who made some bad decisions (of recklessly hurting me). I also feel like we've been victims to being "lost in translations". I still love and admire those things that I loved and admired about him - I guess at least my heart was pure when I fell in love with him. I still secretly hope that we can be friends.
To me, the mystery really is: what could happen to a person to make them want to be mean to someone else? What could have been going through is mind, what could have influenced him to turn on my like that?
Let It All Out
relient k
Let it all out (get it all out)
Rip it out, remove it
Don't be alarmed when the wound begins to bleed
Cuz we're so scared to find out (what this life's all about)
So scared we're gonna lose it
And knowing all along that's exactly what we need
And today I'll trust you with the confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
But tomorrow upon hearing what I did,
I'll stare at you in disbelief
Oh inconsistent me! ...crying out for consistency
And You said, "I know that this will hurt,
but if I don't break your heart, things will just get worse.
If the burden seems too much to bear,
remember...
The end will justify the pain it took to get us there."
And I'll let it be known (times I have shown)
Signs of all my weakness
But somewhere in me, there is strength
And You'd promise me, that You believe
In time I will defeat this
'cuz somewhere in me there is strength
And today I'll trust you with the confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
I'll try my best to just forget that that man isn't me
And You said, "I know that this will hurt,
but if I don't break your heart, things will just get worse.
If the burden seems too much to bear,
remember...
The end will justify the pain it took to get us there."
Reach out to me, make my heart brand new
Every beat will be for You...for You...
And you know, and you know
When You touched my heavy heart, you made it light.
0 comments Labels: let it all out, relient k, song
My friend Tammy has this quote posted on her page:
"If a man chooses to live a life of experience, he'll know the purpose of every object that he passes on the road. He'll know the process that object goes through to produce the fruits of it's labor. He'll know these things because he will have worked them with his own two hands, and after all this, if he does find a home, he'll appreciate home all the more.
If a man chooses a practical life he will suffer less hardships along the way. His stories will have the sweetness of unripe tomatoes but his home will be without the heartache of so many uncertain days. Everything he chooses to place around him will become a permanent fixture. His life's attention will be put to the task of nurturing his homestead, watering his lawn, building waterfalls in his backyard, and shingling his roof. His life will become permanent and the people who pass through will become his inspiration."
What does this mean to you?
0 comments Labels: Life, philosophy
Dear Parents,
Please please please stop naming your children, for example, "Thomas Thomson" or "Willie Williams". Hmm. Let me guess what their middle names are ... Thom and Willard?
Guess what? They get laughed at.
Sincerely,
Me
Forgiveness.
How do you forgive?
How do you let go of a betrayal?
Do you smile?
Do you shrug?
Do you cry to detox?
Do you scream?
Do you hide?
What do you do?
You can't simply forget, if it only means it will be worse when it returns.
If forgiving is like a throwing boomerang, then forgetting means throwing it farther. But casting it farther away won't stop it from coming back.
The trick is
how do I catch it?
0 comments Labels: Feelings, heartbreak
[Flygirl seeks partner in crime.]
I think, ultimately, I'm just looking for someone who is willing to run with me in life.
But, love and commitments aside, the (many - haha) pre-requisites also include encouraging me through physical and mental training for some adventurous traveling (rafting in Tasmania, kiteboarding in Cararete, climbing in Smith Rock and rafting in Deschutes - again, volunteer/ecotraveling in the Amazon, snorkelling with killer whales in the Arctic, visiting Iceland's glacier caves, hot air-ballooning across the Masai Mara, horse trekking across the Mongolian plains, sailing in the Indian Ocean, etc..) and maybe accompanying me on those journeys. Whether I can make them all is one thing; wanting to go is another. Oh, I'll probably make at least one. :-D
I will need all the encouragement I can get. After all, I have already forgotten how to swim and bike. I still trip over and run into things on a daily basis. hahaha! (No, no. I'm serious. Don't tell me it's impossible because it's already made possible by me.)
I think some very lucky gym is going to get my long-term business sometime this month (when I get paid again after I buy my MacBook).
"I am still trying to hold on to the idea that I have some sort of control over my life, and events in life aren't just a series of flying bullets out of a viciously spraying AK-47." ~ me
"The biggest thing I have learned is that one cannot put other people first all the time. It is like they say on airlines....when the little air bags come down: 'Secure your own airbag before helping others'." ~ Patrick D.
0 comments Labels: Conversation, Ideas, Random
(I think I'm very angry tonight.)
Sometimes (more like a lot of times), I just wish I could tell it to his face:
"I resent you not for breaking up with me because I know you struck gold with me, and it's really your loss -- I am one in a million; you wouldn't find anyone quite as good as me within the 10-mile radius of Tigard you call your world. Instead, what I resent you for is the way you treated me at the end. You sacrificed me to reinforce your stance -- your belittled me, you put me down, you insulted me ... and you discredited my love for you. You sacrificed your integrity and self-respect to be right, to feel secure in all your issues and insecurities, to hide, to further your "God Complex". You put me down to push yourself up. You will never find anyone good because all the smart women with options would be able to smell your awful stench of ethical compromise from a mile and a half away. Any self-respecting woman would not be stupid enough to compromise herself to be with you. I've learned that. Go, and live your miserable little life."
But after writing it out, I think I'm gonna have to burn it.
(And yet, even today, I'm still waiting for him to come around and admit that he was out of line and treated me badly, but it's most probably never going to happen.)
Tonight, I admit that I resent him not just for breaking my heart, but for breaking my heart further by being an asshole in order to uphold his argument, just to be right (aka. The God Complex).
I resent him for belittling me (he justified his argument for "allowing me" to live at his house for free by saying that I couldn't afford to pay everything ... except that I could ... and some - he just refused my payment because "it's OUR money anyway", is all. Now he uses his invitation against me).
I resent him for making me feel like I am not worth his while, that I'm not good enough for him (why am I "in no place" to tell him what lessons we should learn from this break up/relationship? I'm just as good as anyone else.).
I resent him for not admitting that he wants someone else and not me (he already had his eyes on other people; he emotionally cheated on me).
I resent him for not being honest and forthright about his own problems. Instead, he blamed me (my problems, apparently, ruined everything when he's perfect).
I resent him for not having any conviction and ethical integrity.
I resent him for making his assistance to me a "charity act" (he told me he didn't have to, but it's out of the goodness of his heart that he wanted to help - please, if you are going to hurt someone, do it right and do it with some grace).
I resent him for not even treating me like a friend (he would not have treated his friends with the cruelty that he treated me with).
I resent him for being a good person to others but a terrible person to me.
I resent him for insulting me and shredding me of my last bit of dignity just to make his point of view stand.
I resent him for having no respect for me ... and for himself.
But I have no way to make justice ring and no way to mend that chip on my shoulder.
Tonight, I'm haunted by trust, or lack thereof. Who can I trust? What is permanent? Oh, I'm at the mercy of myself again (here's to you, Sarah - woohoo!).
I've built so many friendships and relationships around me: those that I can lean on when I'm at my worst, those that I hold on to like floaties in a sea of storms.
But really, who are they? Why do they come to your aid? Is it just an exchange? Or is it a moment of sympathy - and when that moment fades, where will the people be? Will you be left asking, "What happened to 'friends forever'?" Will you be left holding nothing but your own shadow, berating yourself for how naive you are?
Do we actually have to tear apart the beautiful glowing surface of trust and say, "You've got to know who you can't trust and know that it's nothing personal"?
Nothing personal.
But didn't this whole life thing start off as something personal? ... Or did it all revert back to survival before I noticed?
I ran into something today:
Apparently, some guy named Frankl said, "We cannot avoid suffering but we can choose how to cope with it, find meaning in it, and move forward with renewed purpose."
And Freud apparently said that our primary drive in life is not pleasure, but the discovery and pursuit of what we personally find meaningful.
My goal in life is to be a princess, but a Broadway star would do, too. I can never be on a diet because I love food too much. The day that no one is hungry, there will be world peace. I like to sleep. I adore cats, but I also love mice. You know, sometimes I think we all want to be saved by a hero, but we don't realize that we are the heroes to save ourselves. I came out of my mother a very clumsy individual. I think people-watching is one of the best pastimes ever. Thank heavens for coffee shops, the subway, bookstores and street side benches. Thinking is one of the things I know how to do best. Thinking is the empowering process which keeps us from taking what we have for granted. I love glasses -- wine glasses, water glasses, martini glasses, etc.. I like teacup sets and tea pots. I like going on dates with myself with a book and maybe my headphones. I love coffee shops that never give you the pressure of having to leave. When I'm by myself at a restaurant, I like to sit in the corner next to the window. I love looking at collections of photography or compilations of ads from around the world at bookstores because those books are usually too expensive for me to buy. National Geographic is absolutely amazing, and so is PBS. Taking pictures and writing make me feel like I'm communicating with myself. I dislike shopping. I am a collector of maps and postcards; they make me feel in touch with the world. I love the world not just for how good it is, but how good it CAN BE. Libraries are scared places with answers to almost everything in life. My high school government teacher told me that vitamin C doesn't actually help fight against cancer, but I take them anyway just in case. Have you ever had dreams where you snuck into someone's suitcase and travelled around the world that way? Well, I have, and I think it's neat. I would rather be on a cruise ship, but someone should give it a try. I'm a Pisces. My Sun sign is Pisces. My Moon sign is Pisces. My Mercury sign is Pisces. I'm just REALLY REALLY Pisces.
Tonight, I'm haunted by trust, or lack thereof. Who can I trust? What is permanent? Oh, I'm at the mercy of myself again (here's to you, Sarah - woohoo!).
I've built so many friendships and relationships around me: those that I can lean on when I'm at my worst, those that I hold on to like floaties in a sea of storms.
But really, who are they? Why do they come to your aid? Is it just an exchange? Or is it a moment of sympathy - and when that moment fades, where will the people be? Will you be left asking, "What happened to 'friends forever'?" Will you be left holding nothing but your own shadow, berating yourself for how naive you are?
Do we actually have to tear apart the beautiful glowing surface of trust and say, "You've got to know who you can't trust and know that it's nothing personal"?
Nothing personal.
But didn't this whole life thing start off as something personal? ... Or did it all revert back to survival before I noticed?
City Tree by Dan S, inspired by stiletto.love.
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