Monday, September 24, 2007

Post-Subscription Trauma

Post-Subscription Trauma

I'm still angry. I can't seem to grasp how I can get over this anger bordering hatred. For other people, it might come out differently, like an explosion. For me, it's a quiet seething poison that eats up no one else but me from the inside out.

Seriously, there have been a few days (truly, only a handful) when I wanted to go over there and slap him upside the head and go, "Do you know what you did? Do you know what damage you've done to me? Do you know that you're not supposed to be like that to anyone?" Most of the days during the first month and a half, I spent trying and crying. Now, I'm just mostly trying ... trying to live the life I wanted to live on my own, trying to believe that my world is still bright, trying to ... well, basically fill in a void. I think that's what everyone is doing, too. I'm not alone.

Yeah, on those rare few days, I really would have an urge to slap some sense into him. But then, I'd be afraid to see how far his life's moved on without me, even though my life has moved several lightyears without him (maybe just picking up where I left off?). I'd be afraid to know who's taken my place next to him. I'd be afraid to know who's sleeping in my spot where I used to sleep, who the cat responds to now, who greets him 'hey baby!' when he gets home ... everything. His world will go on turning ... hard to believe he actually told me we would be "forever" ("forever" is almost like any other cuss word that we let slip so easily out of our mouths ... a curse). I am even silly enough not to delete the text messages he sent me back then just to remind myself that I was once loved ... but of course, how "loved" I was in all reality will always be questioned. Perhaps, I trusted too easily? But I had no choice; I had to trust. I was in love, and I had to abide by the laws of love. God, it was something of a leap of faith to death.

So I guess I'd rather stay away as far as I can, build myself a fort and blast the living be-jeesus out of anyone who even remotely resembles him. Everyday, I'd look out for any vehicle that looks anything like his and walk the other way. Everyday, I'd look around before I walk because I only live 20 blocks away. Everyday, I'd check in the mirror before I go anywhere to make sure that I still remember who I am (and not the emotionally battered person I was) and still love myself for the person that I know I am but that he refused to acknowledge. Everyday, I'd remind myself who truly loves me and who I choose to surround myself with (not so careless anymore now!). Everyday, words of encouragement to myself about how worthy I am to be happy and live a good life, about how bright the future is, about everything that's positive. Chores of my everyday life ... part of the wall-building project, I suppose. And sometimes, like tonight (see what a mere subscription to my blog does to me? I'm such a ninny!), and maybe more than I should think/feel, I'd wonder what he's thinking, if his thoughts are quite as heavy as mine, if his heart is quite as punctured as mine, if I have made as big of an impact on his life as he has on mine, if I affect him as much as he affects me now ... or if he even thinks about me anymore. ... Do you know how awful it feels to be nothing but a memory to be faded away?

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