Smiling Forward (This I Believe)

I knew I was going to be at least OK when I smiled from my heart one day walking down the street. I saw other people smile, that's why I smiled. I thought something in the air -- just something -- was beautiful.

For about a month before that, I was in absolute misery ... emotional hell. The grief was tearing me up. I was broken -- no, I will say that because I am not afraid to admit defeat. Life schooled me.

But at no point did I ever doubt that I will be more than just OK. The fact of the matter is I've always had options even when I didn't feel that way. My life is a multi-door building: when one door closes, another opens. I suppose I just got lucky like that.

And I never doubted that I will be happy again -- maybe not in the same way, but I knew at least I will be ecstatic about feeling alive. I just never lost faith in the beauty of small things, of smiles, of the sky and the earth and the stars and the flowers, of loyalty, of goodness. No, I never forgot that if I can't find pleasure in my own life (and sometimes life does get sucky), then I've got to find pleasure in whatever that is arounding me. This I believe.

I also never doubted that I can change -- I can improve. I never gave in to the temptation of the so-called "simple honesty" of "this is just the way I am", which is nothing but a convenient dismissal, a more convoluted way of saying "Whateva! I do what I want!". If I can't reinvent myself as I see suited, then my life will come to a standstill. I would cease to find new ways to feel alive. I refuse to give up my right, my privilege and my responsibility to change myself. I can be better. This I also believe.

But this isn't just about being lucky; this is about really wanting something, really understanding something, and really making a decision to doing something, to positively believe in life and its intrigues.

Now, 2 months later, I am looking forward, smiling.