Musings

I find that humans have a natural tendency for voyeurism. On the freeway, I would notice people just can't help it but to peer into passing vehicles to see if their neighbor drivers are putting make up on, fighting with a spouse, or picking their noses. Classic voyeurism.

Every morning, we'd sleep through the alarm. It'd be blaring, but we'd still pretend that we're asleep, especially when it's a good song or a good program. Every morning, I'd be educated or serenated subconsciously. Like today, I heard this quote: "Everyday is a mountain, but I'm born to climb."

I'm born to climb.
Though the pessimists would say that this is not a very good outlook on life though because this means you're destined to have a pretty rough life, I still would like to believe that over the mountain should be the valley of life. Keep climbing.

If you don't stand up to something traumatic now -- don't worry -- it won't be the last time you see it. Eventually, it'll stand up to you.

I saw a book today. It's called "From Obedience to Intimacy, or How Love Conquered Marriage". Love conquered Marriage. Hmm. What an idea. As if marriage is something to run around wild ... or not wild enough.

Communication is fastinating. Think about it: ideas a generated in your brain. And the fact that you can pour out what you have produced and show the contents is just amazing. This ability should not be taken for granted.

Typing on the computer hurts my back. No, it's not just the stress. It's this damn posture everyone naturally gets into when they type.

I've found that your other projects will eventually fail if you fail at your own own project of the Self.

I know I'm getting old because I'm getting hypoglycemic when I never ever ever used to get loopy running on empty, I'm getting hormonal when I swore that the effects of the "Great Flood of the South" never affects me, and I'm starting to wonder if certain things really mean as much as I think they do.

Brian. *sigh*
He is my Bright Star in the night that gives me light when all else is dark, hope when all is hopeless.

My other half, my family, home to my heart.

When they say older people can give you advice, they really meant it. They give you perspective, if nothing else.

I keep saying that I want something good to happen to me, but I just realized that something good has happened to me. Plenty good has happened to me.

Suppose in the grand scheme of life, my lows are just episodes in a long story.

Life can be a very scary thing if you don't have an open mind.

Baby Steps

Yeah, I guess I'm taking baby steps, but they seems so much bigger than just baby steps, and there're so many more steps to take in so little time. I'm honestly scared and feeling like I'm losing grip. I feel like I'm so behind, and I feel bad -- everyone else right around me are moving on without me, and I feel like I'm losing even in a catch-up game. It's really tough to climb back up after you fall -- no wonder why everyone is so afraid of falling. It has deflated me, and robbed me of my confidence and belief in myself. It's much harder to walk up with my head held high nowadays -- you can tell from my reluctance to speak up now. I don't want to live like this forever.

Last night, Brian asked me what I want to do when I "grow up". I didn't have an answer. I haven't even gotten that far yet. He exclaimed in disbelief, though not in a condescending way, "You're crazy. I can't work like that. I can't not think about the future. ... I mean, I've got bills to pay, ya know?" Well, to my defense, I AM thinking about the future, which is why I am here making the changes I am now. It would have been so easy to just give up, but I didn't. It's for my future, and I know giving up would just complicated my life even more.

Talking about it is very hard for me. It feels so real and raw inside, but it sounds so fake and "plasticky" once it gets outside when I talk about it. So I pretend that everything is ok when nothing really is.

Lately,

every night before I go to sleep, I'd think: "Well, gotta get up and fight tomorrow."

Every morning when I walk to the Science Building, I'd think: "Well, it's gonna be a long battle." Every evening when I go home, I'd think: "Well, today sucked. I can't believe I got through that. And then I have tomorrow to worry about. When will this end, and when will it get better?"

I can't believe the last time I didn't think like that was in high school.

I'm trying to believe that all this happened for a good reason.

Yes, let's get me through tomorrow.

Strategery

Strategically, is it a good idea for me to put grad school on hold?

I need to make sure that what I have already finished in MIM will still be there when I come back in a year.

I need to regroup and find my motivation and myself.
I need to make sure that I can get aid NOW to finish up my undergraduate degree.
I need a job.
I need to learn how to drive.
I need access to strategic, academic and life counseling even when I'm not in MIM or school.
I need something constructive to do when I take this time off and prove that I can contribute even when I'm out of school.
I need to tell Brian and hope that he'll support me.

What is there that I can do to make EVERYTHING WORK for me and all that is my life?

Is this just a real gut feeling or is it just comforting to think because it buys me more time to avoid climbing an Everest-sized mountain?

Please tell me what the wisest decision is.

Malice (I need some bug repellent)

I dispise The Evil Ex who would storm in to our lives with messages of tears and apologies and enlightenment and "the truth" ... just to see if she can win a challenge. Why is this a game to her? What would she think when her life flashes through her mind just before she dies and this part of her life appears?

My discomfort with The Evil Ex's most recent message was slow to sink in.

At first, I felt bad for her; her story was convincing ... or that I'm just gullible as usual.

Think about all the times that she would send inappropriate messages. Think about all the things that she did to make me feel uncomfortable. How is her "truth" going to explain all of that?

I was tense and was shaking as I read it. I thought I was just moved, touched or sad for her. Maybe a hint. But I think I was just shocked. Why would someone like her want to disrupt my life? For all I know, there are a gizillion guys out there who would drop dead just for a smile from someone who looks like her, someone who runs wild like her.

I am not lucky like that.

So I finally found someone wonderful who hasn't already gotten tired of me, and she wants to ruin it? There's must be a hundred different explanations, and I have a few theories of my own -- and one of them is SHE IS SELFISH AND IMMATURE.

Regardless of the fact that she would have absolutely NO CHANCE IN HELL of getting what she wants, there is not a single person in the world that can tell me I'm being overly sensitive or excessive or over-reacting.

What an awful thing for her to do.

And I am angry with her.

Some people just have the "gift" of sending off bad vibes even from afar.

I haven't even met her, but I can assure you that she is one of them.

There's not a chance I can't ...

Things are rather tough right now ... well, in my little world anyway.

The past is catching up to me, I know it, and it's affecting me in major ways. But I don't want to be stuck where I have been anymore -- I haven't been feeling totally worry-free and exhilarated since high school (the problems I thought I had turned out to be nothing in comparison).

... And the last time I was in high school was in 2001. It's now 2007.

For the past 5-6 years, I've been functioning, but not really living. My life has been moving sideways, not upward, like I had hoped.

I honestly am fed up.

I know that I can do better with the blessings I have, so I need a change. I need to face up to what I didn't. I really don't care (I can't) about what some people might consider as backtracking; it only means they don't understand and lack life experience.

Sometimes, you just need to take a step back to see the world.

Despite how I feel right now, I can do it. Everything will work out, and there is no reason why it wouldn't.

I know that I'm not the only one facing problems, and I'm probably not the only one facing these particular problems.

I have friends who love me and support me. I have people around me that have been through life and can attest to the fact that much worse than this could have happened.

I have someone who loves me beyond my wildest dreams, who may not always understand and may not always be sensitive to everything I have to say, but he is definitely supportive no matter what.

I have a home.

I am a good head on my shoulders. My brain can do some extraordinary things.

So, really, I have everything I need to succeed.

Fit

I think we're perfect for each other.

Pisces & Leo

When Leo and Pisces join together in a love match, each partner enjoys the new perspective the other brings to life in general (yep!). Leo is a strong and assertive Sign, being free to do what they want and taking command of their surroundings. Pisces is quieter (not always ...) and more reserved and introspective. In many ways the two are polar opposites (he's also a "red-blue" person, while I'm a typical "yellow-green"), yet both are dreamers at heart (agreed). When they care for one another, they each fill the other's voids and have a caring, mutually beneficial relationship (definitely fills my void, at least).

Leo is a natural leader and in a relationship with Pisces often becomes the guardian of their weaker partner (ok, I'm not weak, but I do appreciate his being protective of me). Pisces, in turn, gives Leo the audience they need for their ambitions and social performances. Pisces is a Sign that, like Water, fills whatever container it is poured into (I try to be flexible, haha!). Pisces tends to give themselves over to their love match (I'll give anything); a kind heart allows The Fish to know Leo in a way that many other Signs don't (I do try to understand -- see?). Leo's straight forwardness coupled with that doesn't pass into conceit (rephrase: "Leo's straight-forwardness will not pass into conceit when coupled with Pisces' characteristics, while Pisces will not be overly shy when mixed with a Leo.") -- the way Leo alone might act -- and isn't overly shy, like Pisces alone may be.

Leo is ruled by The Sun and Pisces is ruled by the Planet Jupiter. Pisces is also ruled by Neptune. The Sun gives out light, life and a focus on the Self to the Leo-Pisces relationship. Neptune is about big pictures, ideas and illusions; but it's also involved with disillusion and fantasy. Leo can help Pisces turn fantasies into realities (Yes, like the "yellows" need some "reds" sometimes for focus). Neptune works through Pisces by softening Leo's sometimes self-centered and abrupt actions (YES!), channeling their energy into a more creative and fruitful outlet.

Leo is a Fire Sign and Pisces is a Water Sign (I'm his Yin, and he's my Yang). These two can be very happy and progressive if they recognize the other's needs, using introspection and creative ambition to tend to matters of the heart. Pisces can help Leo learn to be humble and to think of the needs of others, while Leo teaches Pisces to go out into the world and begin to loosen up a bit (true). But Pisces can be too emotional (yes, I tend to go up and down and hormonal), too much Water dampening Leo's enthusiasm. Conversely, too much Fire can boil the Water and leave Pisces emotionally burned. Leo and Pisces must establish effective communication in order to ensure their balance is maintained (haha! couldn't be more true).

Leo is a Fixed Sign and Pisces is a Mutable Sign. Pisces doesn't serve well as the boss (well, some things are conditional and trainable). They get their greatest satisfaction from bettering the universe, starting with their partner. Leo, on the other hand, comes up with ideas in the first place and suggests little changes to be made here and there in the relationship (oh, we both do).

What's the best aspect of the Leo-Pisces relationship? It's their receptiveness to one another's teachings. Pisces shows Leo how to be sensitive and care, and Leo teaches Pisces to make their dreams happen rather than sitting on them. Their ability provide what the other needs makes theirs a truly mutual relationship (it's amazing).

Fire

I opened up to him last night. Cautiously, but I did nonetheless.

For that, I am proud of myself.

Opening up is so hard sometimes, knowing the risk of disappointment and rejection. But he didn't disappoint me.

He was there for me.

The road will not be easy, but I know he'll always be there by my side.

I'm so thankful to have the fire that he is in my life.

8

I hate that I didn't always finish what I start.

But I will do from now on.

I hate that I'd always run away from my problems, especially when I don't know what to do.

But I now will stay and deal with them, open up and trust that those who truly care will help me.

I hate that I'd be scared and panic easily.

But I am willing to believe that nothing is the end of the world.

I hate that I'd wait until the stress is unbearable and the problem too big to do anything resolute and feel feable as a result, and then hope for a second chance ... just to repeat the pattern.

But I will tackle problems face on now to save myself from an overburden of stress, destructive self-image, and disappointment.

I hate that I'd believe bad experiences and family pulled me back, and I'd make them my excuse.

But I will own up to my life now.

I hate that I'd be discouraged and give up so easily.

But I will hold on now.

I hate that I'd believe I can't make mistakes and be ashamed of my mistakes because I'd think I failed.

But I will believe that it's ok to make mistakes now.

I hate that sometimes I'd think I need more help than I need, and sometimes, I'd think I need less help than I think, but one way or another, I wouldn't get what I need because I never open up.
But I will ask for help now, whether I need a lot or a just a little.

Declaration Against

I have determined that the women's restroom in Science Building 2 at Portland State University must be the stinkiest and nastiest restroom in the school. Well, maybe after the ones at the School of Business Administration, but ... you get my point, being that I hate using the bathrooms at Science Building 2.

... Like this morning.
I had to go. And when ya gotta go, you just gotta go.

I walked into the bathroom, and immediately, I caught this whiff of ... this whiff of ... ewwww. I can't even describe to you exactly the blend of smells. Maybe rancid, moldy, rotten, somewhat chemical and synthetic, yet organic at the same time.

But what would you have me do? I had to go.

I chose the third stall, hoping that it would be a good pick. But then again, if the place is already stenched up at 7:45 in the morning, you know any choice is a bad choice.

Surprisingly, there wasn't anything horrifying in there that could have made me hurl up that hot dog I had last night from my stomach's abyss.

Well, ok, I thought. I closed the stall door and turned around. The toilet seat was up, and when it's up, it blocks to way to a convenient access to the flush lever with my foot. So, patiently, but slightly irritated, I pulled some toilet paper, wrapped it around my hand to put the seat down.

FYI: I hate that.

But hey, I mean, at least it makes sense because it shows that the toilets have been "cleaned", whatever the definition of the term is. At least it didn't happen to be the lid of a toilet lifted to block the view of the motion sensor for an automatic flush system. In that case, I would usually feel that it's an insult to my intelligence by the malicious design of some evil/bonehead janitor to ruin my mood. I mean, it's an obvious design flaw, so why is it there?

So, I proceeded to do my business, but the water from the toilet practically jumped up to greet me/my bottom/the back of my pants.

FYI: I hate that, too.

Really, why did I have to go through so much just to use the bathroom?? This has compelled me to declare the following:

1) I don't like smelly, dirty bathrooms;
2) I don't like touching anything in the public bathroom, especially door knobs and the stall latch;
3) I get irritated at the stupid person that would put a motion detector behind a toilet lid where it cannot detect anything -- defeats the purpose, don't you think?
4) I don't like it when water in the toilet splashes on me;
5) I hate it when my pants are to long, and they slip and touch the ground right in front of the toilet, which I am convinced is the dirtiest parts in the entire restroom (I don't quite understand how people can feel so at ease with throwing their belongings -- and pants -- so casually on the ground);
6) I also hate it when the back of my pants touch the toilet when I crouch (no, I never sit);
7) I don't like it when the automatic flush (when the motion detector actually works) flushes the toilet before I'm done just because I moved a certain way;
8) I don't like it when the toilet flushes too violently -- it startles me, and it makes the toilet water get everywhere;
9) Again, the stall latch;
10) Squeezing out the stall is an annoying effort. No matter how small I am, I still have a hard time getting out because the space between an opened door and the toilet is just too small -- and I DON'T want to touch the toilet;
11) I hate it when the soup smells bad -- it makes my hands smell bad for a long time;
12) I dislike air-dryers for drying your hands because you know lots of dust and mold grow in side the machine (I dont like paper towels either, because it is a waste, and I hate touching the handle ... I use my pants, usually);
13) Again, I hate touching the door handle, so I either sneak out after someone else has opened the door or use a paper towel (necessary evil). You know how many people don't wash their hands after they, uh, relieve themselves?
14) I hate holding the bathroom door, too. So I either use my foot or my elbow. Well, more like the bottom of my foot.

Why am I constantly subjected to this kind of psychological torment? What exactly did I do anything to deserve this?

I proclaim today as the beginning of a revolution to fight against dirty toilets! By my word, I shall live in agony no more!

Declaration Against

I have determined that the women's restroom in Science Building 2 at Portland State University must be the stinkiest and nastiest restroom in the school. Well, maybe after the ones at the School of Business Administration, but ... you get my point, being that I hate using the bathrooms at Science Building 2.

... Like this morning.
I had to go. And when ya gotta go, you just gotta go.

I walked into the bathroom, and immediately, I caught this whiff of ... this whiff of ... ewwww. I can't even describe to you exactly the blend of smells. Maybe rancid, moldy, rotten, somewhat chemical and synthetic, yet organic at the same time.

But what would you have me do? I had to go.

I chose the third stall, hoping that it would be a good pick. But then again, if the place is already stenched up at 7:45 in the morning, you know any choice is a bad choice.

Surprisingly, there wasn't anything horrifying in there that could have made me hurl up that hot dog I had last night from my stomach's abyss.

Well, ok, I thought. I closed the stall door and turned around. The toilet seat was up, and when it's up, it blocks to way to a convenient access to the flush lever with my foot. So, patiently, but slightly irritated, I pulled some toilet paper, wrapped it around my hand to put the seat down.

FYI: I hate that.

But hey, I mean, at least it makes sense because it shows that the toilets have been "cleaned", whatever the definition of the term is. At least it didn't happen to be the lid of a toilet lifted to block the view of the motion sensor for an automatic flush system. In that case, I would usually feel that it's an insult to my intelligence by the malicious design of some evil/bonehead janitor to ruin my mood. I mean, it's an obvious design flaw, so why is it there?

So, I proceeded to do my business, but the water from the toilet practically jumped up to greet me/my bottom/the back of my pants.

FYI: I hate that, too.

Really, why did I have to go through so much just to use the bathroom?? This has compelled me to declare the following:

1) I don't like smelly, dirty bathrooms;
2) I don't like touching anything in the public bathroom, especially door knobs and the stall latch;
3) I get irritated at the stupid person that would put a motion detector behind a toilet lid where it cannot detect anything -- defeats the purpose, don't you think?
4) I don't like it when water in the toilet splashes on me;
5) I hate it when my pants are to long, and they slip and touch the ground right in front of the toilet, which I am convinced is the dirtiest parts in the entire restroom (I don't quite understand how people can feel so at ease with throwing their belongings -- and pants -- so casually on the ground);
6) I also hate it when the back of my pants touch the toilet when I crouch (no, I never sit);
7) I don't like it when the automatic flush (when the motion detector actually works) flushes the toilet before I'm done just because I moved a certain way;
8) I don't like it when the toilet flushes too violently -- it startles me, and it makes the toilet water get everywhere;
9) Again, the stall latch;
10) Squeezing out the stall is an annoying effort. No matter how small I am, I still have a hard time getting out because the space between an opened door and the toilet is just too small -- and I DON'T want to touch the toilet;
11) I hate it when the soup smells bad -- it makes my hands smell bad for a long time;
12) I dislike air-dryers for drying your hands because you know lots of dust and mold grow in side the machine (I dont like paper towels either, because it is a waste, and I hate touching the handle ... I use my pants, usually);
13) Again, I hate touching the door handle, so I either sneak out after someone else has opened the door or use a paper towel (necessary evil). You know how many people don't wash their hands after they, uh, relieve themselves?
14) I hate holding the bathroom door, too. So I either use my foot or my elbow. Well, more like the bottom of my foot.

Why am I constantly subjected to this kind of psychological torment? What exactly did I do anything to deserve this?

I proclaim today as the beginning of a revolution to fight against dirty toilets! By my word, I shall live in agony no more!

Reep and sow

He said the cat was mine, too.

But last night, he took the cat with him and left me with myself all alone.

That's really all I had that's really my own: myself.

That cat was never mine, too. You know what is yours and what's not when you are at your low.

The fact is, the cat was never mine, the home was never mine, none of that we shared was really mine. There's just something very tangent, very real and very different between what is symbolically mine and what is mine because I own it.

Ownership is definitely something spiritual. Just because someone says that it's yours really doesn't mean it is. They can alway always take it back.

Ownership is something you earn for yourself. It's not endowed. You cannot simply give someone true ownership.

When they said you reep what you sow, they really meant it.

Read Only if You are Brian

What do I do?

What do I do?

I breached the very foundation of the relationship, and I am not sure how that's going to be rebuilt.

That's what's good about our relationship, I know. If I didn't have a valid reason, I wouldn't have done something like that carelessly. And I did have a valid reason.

Why can't I convey that?

I know why he is angry. He thinks, How could she doubt me so easily, basing only on what her friends say? Didn't I prove myself enough? Why did she turn her back on the trust that we've built so easily?

But it was not easy, and I did not rely only on what my firends say. I thought wrong, ok? I know I thought wrong. But what about the things that he did or didn't do that gives me the wrong message, or mixed signals, at the least? Is it so impossible? And I was expected to talk to him about it, as if I could just go, "Hmm, it's the wrong message. Let me talk to him about it."

(The truth is, I wasn't even consulting anyone to begin with. I was venting, which only consists of "Yeah, this happened over the weekend, and it made me very unhappy". And you can't vent to the source of problems because, then, it would just become "dragging someone through the mud".
Once I started venting, people who care about me started warning me of supposed red flags because to them, they were red flags. Coming from the safe perspective where I trusted him, I panicked upon hearing the grim news.
What's so hard to understand?)

I feel like I can never be happy again.

What do I do?

About Us

I'm scared.

It's really scary to not feel that you love me.
I feel like this is the end of the world - MY world anyway -- and I don't like it. I don't like not feeling alone.

What happened?
I am not really sure. I thought that, even though I might have been proved wrong, I wasn't unreasonable in making some of my assumptions. All these event -- word slips, etc. -- were there right in front of me, and I needed to make sense of them. I feel like I was slow to see them because I started asking if other people have these experience, and they seem to be appalled that I even brought them up, and the fact that I didn't question anything earlier in our relationship. They asked me more questions ... and I had NO idea why. But then certain commonalities surfaced, and I looked at these events together; and together, they didn't make a happy picture.

I looked at the facts -- that you show me you love me everyday, and that there are these events -- and they contradict. And in some cases for some people, that can mean very bad things. What do you do when you find contradictions that can break your heart? Well, I got really scared. I was afraid that you don't really love me, and having that happen would be ... well, corny as it is ... the world coming to an end.

I thought to myself, this isn't happening, what I see isn't real, but it seems so real, because they all have happened. I thought: Oh, no. I had a home, I even had a cat. I could consider working overseas, but I wanted to stay here, so I would have given it all up just to be with him. I even would risk my health for him. I would give it all up, because this is what I wanted.

I hoped to God that I was wrong. I had to stay and confront this. So this is why I am here. I thought no matter what, we could work it out ... just like before, because we love each other.

Turns out I got what I hoped for -- I was wrong. I was dead-wrong. And I had hurt you. My fears gave you pain. And I knew it. I had disappointed you. My hollow assumptions filled with fear exploded inside you and hurt you.

I don't know if you know, but I felt so so rotten. So bad. I was so embarrassed for ever ever doubting you. Even though it wasn't an insensible thing to do, it was definitely an insensitive thing to do.

I even ruined Valentine's Day for us. I was getting so excited about it. I knew I would be getting the Valentine's Day I wished for with you.

For the whole next day -- Thursday -- I kept worrying about what I had done, so I decided to stay home with you that night. That's the least I could do. I had hoped that we could talk, not the way we did Wednesday night, but calmly. I made myself calm, the least I could do for you. I wanted to make sure that you understood I didn't do it on purpose, and I had reasons for doing what I did. I wanted you to know that I am so sorry for ever doubting you. That's not something I wanted to do. I know I had breached our trust. It doesn't just hurt you; it hurts me, too. I wanted you to know that I was so sorry, and I was willing to do anything -- ANYTHING -- to make it up.

But I wasn't sure why you didn't see that I had my reasons to doubt, which doesn't excuse what I did, but I wanted you to at least acknowledge that I didn't want to have distrust for you, but I just kept seeing repeated patterns. I probably would have been less reasonable if I based my assumptions on single incidents, but I didn't.

What's more is that, even though I knew why you yelled at me (because you were angry and hurt and felt betrayed), I was shocked that you would turn your back on me and left me there crying. All I wanted to do was to talk. I wanted to understand you, and I wanted you to understand me.

But I promise, you achieved what you set out to do: It hurt like you stabbed me in the heart, twisted it, and watched me bleed.

What do you do when that happens? What, stay and "talk it out"? I felt like I needed to leave for a while. So I called for Annie's help.

I came home because I wanted to talk. Not that it felt any better then, but I couldn't just leave. I love you. I thought we could at least talk a little bit, now that (at least) I've calmed down. But that didn't happen. It would have been bad if you had yelled at me again, but it was worse because you didn't say a thing. I felt like I was being pushed away. I was so angry. Why?? Why would you not even give me a little hope to sleep on ... to pass the night? Am I not even worth that much to you?

I felt so hopeless when you wanted to leave, like the lights have gone out. I felt like I cared so much to even come back to try to talk, but you didn't. You're right ... maybe this is how it felt like when I walked away. I'm sorry.

And now ... I don't really know what to think. I have no plans. I don't really know what to do. I have work that I should do, but I am not like you -- I can't isolate my emotions and go on with my life because when my home life isn't well, the rest goes down with it. I can't imagine how it is for you. I'm glad you are staying strong.

If we don't work out because of this, no, I won't understand. As much as I want to run away because this hurts so much, I am staying because I want us to work. If you feel different, I want at least a good enough reason for me to leave.

So I hope that we will find out tonight:
1) whether this relationship is worth working on?
2) whether we want to work on it?
3) How?
4) if we are going to end the relationship, why?
5) where to go from there?

Help me, please, if not for you, as if this might be the last thing you do for me.

Two Front Teeth

All I want for Valentine's was a nice romantic day with my one true love that I never had.

I never could have even dreamt of something like that until now.

But I guess I'll have to wait for next year for it to come true.

All my fault.

Sorry.

With or Without

It's 12:39am.

I went upstairs. I wanted to see him. I wanted to touch his face, his hand, his hair on his forehead ... I wanted to tell him I love him despite all else.

He was sleeping. The cat was sleeping right next to him.

And here I am. Why am I alone? Why do I have to cry my heart out alone?

It's 12:40am now, and I can tell you how quiet it is in the middle of the night. It's so quiet that you hear ringing in your ears. It's so quiet that you hear your own heartbeat. It's so quiet that you just don't want to exist because you feel so alone.

Because you know people still sleep in peace and the world still goes on with or without you.

Spiral

I feel like my world is falling apart.

Or my heart's being ripped out.

I wasn't out to hurt anyone, and I know I didn't mean to hurt someone I love so so much. But I wasn't unreasonable in my thinking. I really wasn't.

So why?

Why is my world falling apart? Why do I feel like this? Why do I just want to hurt myself instead? I want it to end.

Please. Stop.

Do you care? I know you do. I do.

Please stop.

Theresreallynothinginterestingsoyoucanskipthisone

I didn't feel good last night.

It went from pretty good to unacceptable. It went from all smiles to tears.

Stress.

Lots and lots to do. Kind of behind. Irritated that my Chinese class seemed to have volunteered me to work on an assignment, but the things I came up with were totally dumped in the trashcan -- and of course no one told me why ... as if I had said nothing. The weirdest thing is that I had just realized that the person who volunteered me was the one who overrode everything that I did -- I just realized that she had wanted to take the project the whole damn time, and I totally didn't know! I should have just saved some effort and handed the assignment back to her.
Still jealous of Adriana Limas (ha!). Still feeling rather unattractive -- hey, it's not my fault that I don't look like a supermodel. Desperately trying to feel better, but the more desperate I am, the worse it seems to become.
Still feeling incompetent, and school doesn't help much, in contrary to popular belief. Why can't I just be good at something totally cool? Can't seem to work through my cognitive block. My thinking pipes seem to be badly clogged.
Feeling like a callus person lately, too. Also a neglectful friend and family member. Been trying to change these things, but running into deadends due to the simple fact that one can't do too many things at the same time.
Last night, I became very sensitive to any mention of the name "Dana" or the term "my ex-girlfriend" by Brian, which, coupled with the aforementioned duress, apparently set me off crying. Inevitably reminded me of his THIRD TIME calling his ex-girlfriend his "girlfriend" right in front of me over the weekend. (Third time in 7 months, averaging about once every 2.33 months, or 9 weeks, is rather ridiculous and painfully discouraging, I would say.) Kinda belittles the relationship, doesn't it? He tried to play it off as "I meant my girlfriend at the time", but really, why couldn't it have been "My ex-girlfriend used to ..."? He always apologizes. He would tell me it would not happen again. However, the repetition suggests otherwise, and a similar blog will be posted again in about 9 weeks ... just you wait. Suddenly, this just made Daniels' theory of me being the de facto rebound girl with whom my bf just happened to fall in love seem sadly plausible. Daniels might have had a point there (oh that cynic).
Back to the original episode. Last night, something Brian told me reminded me of my inability to comprehend his idea of conserving residual links with his ex and her friends and family members, which was the scenario that pushed an already edgy me over the edge and down the cliff. I can understand his conserving ties if they have kids together, but then again, I wouldn't have been with him to begin with because I don't do the whole "divorced with kids" thing coz I admit that I'm not that generous with my love and affection. Believe me, I've tried to understand his point of view -- I really tried, especially when I am still coping with his health condition -- but to no avail; I just can't seem to accept it, and it's really hard to cope with. I can only hope for out-of-sight-out-of-mind. Considering my swiftly efficient and apparently effective method (and ruthless, perhaps) to cut ties with past relationships, frankly, the fact that my boyfriend still cares about anything that has to do with her bothers me. Regardless of his denying there is anything there, I believe differently, judging from his actions. He still cares about her, and he cares more than he'd like to admit. Personally, my goal is to try to be fair to the person I love. Once a relationship is over, so is everything else (as much as possible) that goes with it. ... So that I can give my new relationship the best chance it deserves with as blank a slate as I can possibly offer. But obviously, he believes differently. And what can I do? (Nothing.)

By the way, even though he called me a push-over, I am not. I'm just not pushy with him.

Yay. Happy Valentine's Day ....

And the Verdict

After further consideration,

I have come to the conclusion that he has been out of line.

This is the kind of stuff that causes people to leave the relationship.

I have been treated like a doormat time and again, and I took it as "giving him the benefit of the doubt".

No wonder why he called me a push-over.

Faith

This is real. My life is real. My happiness is real. My love is real.

Every once in a while -- probably more than I should -- I doubt. I get spurts of self-induced fear and grips to the heart. But just the other day, I realized that there is nothing to doubt -- not just because of how trustworthy he is, but because of how trustworthy I am. If I trust nothing else, I trust that the mistakes that I made before have made me wiser.

See,
if it isn't real, I would not have been here to begin with. I would not have so easily fallen in love.

I wouldn't have smiled so easily at him. I wouldn't have asked him for his help. I wouldn't have held his hand, walked here and there with him, shared my bed with him and shared his. I wouldn't have thought much when he told me in the car that day that we'd work out great because we're opposites. I wouldn't have let my guard down and felt safe when he touched me.

I know that I knew -- I knew -- this is different.

Feel Better

It's been over 6 months.
Acutally, 7 months and a little more.

And I'm still in love.
I still get the jitters when he calls, when he comes home, when he touches me, when he smiles at me, when he holds my hand.

The magic hasn't worn off yet!

I still look at him tender, still admire him when he plays the guitar, or fixes things, cooks, or plays with the cat.

I think there is hope for me.

Lots of people say that the first 6 months are the Honeymoon period. Once the 6 months are up, so is the magic. The newness, the excitement, and the jitters are gone. Welcome ball-and-chain.

Well, funny thing is that I didn't know I would like the post 6-month period so much. The first 6 months were a period of adjustment for me, really.

I remember feeling surreal, almost euphoric. I poured my guts out on paper (or at least the cyberspace anyway) because I needed an outlet for my bright red breath of emotions. But with the excitement, I also felt discontent and fear. I was self-conscious and afraid of opening up, fearful of being judged and then rejected. I also had my own demons to overcome.

And now, all that is gone. You know you are really in a relationship when you can share things with each other that you wouldn't with anyone else -- it could be deep dark secrets, or just simple embarrassing bodily functions.

At this 7th month mark, even though I don't feel the same as I did 6 months ago, I feel better.

Faith

This is real. My life is real. My happiness is real. My love is real.

Every once in a while -- probably more than I should -- I doubt. I get spurts of self-induced fear and grips to the heart. But just the other day, I realized that there is nothing to doubt -- not just because of how trustworthy he is, but because of how trustworthy I am. If I trust nothing else, I trust that the mistakes that I made before have made me wiser.

See,
if it isn't real, I would not have been here to begin with. I would not have so easily fallen in love.

I wouldn't have smiled so easily at him. I wouldn't have asked him for his help. I wouldn't have held his hand, walked here and there with him, shared my bed with him and shared his. I wouldn't have thought much when he told me in the car that day that we'd work out great because we're opposites. I wouldn't have let my guard down and felt safe when he touched me.

I know that I knew -- I knew -- this is different.

Very random thoughts

Very random thoughts

I have been having lots of "relationship nightmares" lately. A couple nights ago, I saw that Brian put his arms around someone else's shoulders in front of me -- as if to test my patience or to spite me, he did more of it when I got angry. In last night's dream, he was talking on his phone in bed right next to me, fondly reminescing about his relationship with his ex-girlfriend. It made me so angry. What's worse is that he wouldn't take me seriously, even when I started throwing pillows at him and telling him that I hate him (I don't, really).

These dreams would leave me completely exhausted and unhappy in the morning. Like today. I've been very cranky this morning, and that doesn't make things easier than it should -- today's supposed to be my off-day, except that I'm here on campus at 6:30am. Yay.

And I've been a crappy friend lately. That makes me feel very guilty because, well, I'm supposed to be a good friend. That must be changed.

Brian is sick. Poor boy. I just wish that I could make it all better for him.

And I hope I don't get it.