Baby Steps

Yeah, I guess I'm taking baby steps, but they seems so much bigger than just baby steps, and there're so many more steps to take in so little time. I'm honestly scared and feeling like I'm losing grip. I feel like I'm so behind, and I feel bad -- everyone else right around me are moving on without me, and I feel like I'm losing even in a catch-up game. It's really tough to climb back up after you fall -- no wonder why everyone is so afraid of falling. It has deflated me, and robbed me of my confidence and belief in myself. It's much harder to walk up with my head held high nowadays -- you can tell from my reluctance to speak up now. I don't want to live like this forever.

Last night, Brian asked me what I want to do when I "grow up". I didn't have an answer. I haven't even gotten that far yet. He exclaimed in disbelief, though not in a condescending way, "You're crazy. I can't work like that. I can't not think about the future. ... I mean, I've got bills to pay, ya know?" Well, to my defense, I AM thinking about the future, which is why I am here making the changes I am now. It would have been so easy to just give up, but I didn't. It's for my future, and I know giving up would just complicated my life even more.

Talking about it is very hard for me. It feels so real and raw inside, but it sounds so fake and "plasticky" once it gets outside when I talk about it. So I pretend that everything is ok when nothing really is.

Lately,

every night before I go to sleep, I'd think: "Well, gotta get up and fight tomorrow."

Every morning when I walk to the Science Building, I'd think: "Well, it's gonna be a long battle." Every evening when I go home, I'd think: "Well, today sucked. I can't believe I got through that. And then I have tomorrow to worry about. When will this end, and when will it get better?"

I can't believe the last time I didn't think like that was in high school.

I'm trying to believe that all this happened for a good reason.

Yes, let's get me through tomorrow.