Take That

Even though I am a little bit restless right now, I am rather proud of what I'm learning right now.

6-Sigma.

Operations management.

I bet my old boss, who expressed to my parents and me that she is disappointed that I didn't participate in her 6-Sigma certificate program, doesn't even know why the program is called 6-Sigma. (She practically called me a failure.)

Little does she know, I attend on of the better management programs in the country and one of the best sustainability programs in the world.

HA!

Good Day

I am very happy because my financial aid award notice came.
I am also happy because my friends and colleagues are supportive of me, and I am thankful for their presence in my life.
I am proud of myself for working every morning, earning everyday, and have a good head on my shoulders.
I am proud of myself for keeping on track with school.
I am relieved to have had a decent conversation with my mother the other day.
I am so incredibly thankful for having the man I love in my life (and, of course, our little baby kitty).
I am also thankful for his accepting and embracing family that took me in.
I am smiling because I have good project groups this term.
I am smiling also because, together, we come up with good ideas.
I like the fact that I came up with the idea of carrying a journal book to capture, in a sentence or two, what I see each day.
I like that the sun is out today and the skies are blue.
I am excited for the fact that I am going climbing on Friday after class, and I will start my 20-week training for the capacity to do a 10k run.
I am enthused about my MIM Sustainability Group and the fact that I am an active and integral part of this fellowship.
I am also enthused by looking into the upcoming exit project with people that I am proud to work with.
I am relaxed because I had the luxury to sleep in today.
I am excited that Brian is on his way home right now.
I feel good because I have more to write than what you see on this list.

It's been a good day today.

On Beauty

What is "beauty"?



You ever feel this way? What do you think about our young feeling like this?





And what do you think of this?



What is your True Color?

Ha!

On my birthday in 1985, Symbolic.com got their official "dot com" domain and became the oldest-held dot com domain in the US.

Yep. March 15th.

Nooo!

I am angry at myself this morning.

I put on some jeans, and realized that I've grown maybe a size bigger. The belt area, buttocks and thigh areas are

tight.

I am angry at myself because I let myself get to this point. I knew I'd be angry, and I knew I'd feel like this, but still, I let it go on.

My habits (or lack thereof) sucks. I don't climb anymore. My diet sucks. I mean, it's great that I have food to eat now, and I don't just eat a cookie for dinner like I used to when I was extremely poor and was alone. But I eat more than I need for what I do. I go to school, and arrive at 6:30am. Ever since then, I sit until it is 9:30. For 15 hours, I sit.

My arms have no strength. My abs have no strength.

Very frustrated. And I need to do something fast.

Stress Relief 2007

1. Get up fifteen minutes earlier in the morning. The inevitable morning mishaps will be less stressful. 2. Prepare for the morning the evening before. Set the breakfast table. Make lunches. Put out the clothes you plan to wear, etc. 3. Don't rely on your memory. Write down appointment times, when to pick up the laundry, when library books are due, etc. ("The palest ink is better than the most retentive memory."- Old Chinese Proverb) 4. Do nothing you have to lie about later. 5. Make copies of all keys. Bury a house key in a secret spot in the garden. Carry a duplicate car key in your wallet, apart from your key ring. 6. Practice preventive maintenance. Your car, appliances, home and relationships will be less likely to break down "at the worst possible moment." 7. Be prepared to wait. A paperback book can make a wait in a post office line almost pleasant. 8. Procrastination is stressful. Whatever you want to do tomorrow, do today; whatever you want to do today, do it now. 9. Plan ahead. Don't let the gas tank get below onequarter full, keep a well- stocked "emergency shelf'' of home staples, don't wait until you're down to your last bus token or postage stamp to buy more, etc. 10. Don't put up with something that doesn't work right. If your alarm clock wallet, shoe laces, windshield wipers-whatever-are a constant aggravation, get them fixed or get new ones. 11. Allow 15 minutes of extra time to get to appointments. Plan to arrive at an airport one hour before domestic departures. 12. Eliminate (or restrict) the amount of caffeine in your diet. 13. Always set up contingency plans, "just in case." ("If for some reason either of us is delayed, here's what we'll do..." Or, "If we get split up in the shopping center, here's where we'll meet.") 14. Relax your standards. The world will not end if the grass doesn't get mowed this weekend. 15. Pollyanna-Power! For every one thing that goes wrong, there are probably 10 or 50 or 100 blessings. Count 'em! 16. Ask questions. Taking a few moments to repeat back the directions that someone expects of you, etc., can save hours. (The old "the hurrieder I go, the behinder I get" idea.) 17. Say "No!" Saying no to extra projects, social activities and invitations you know you don't have the time or energy for takes practice, self-respect and a belief that everyone, everyday, needs quiet time to relax and to be alone. 18. Unplug your phone. Want to take a long bath, meditate, sleep or read without interruption? Drum up the courage to temporarily disconnect. (The possibility of there being a terrible emergency in the next hour or so is almost nil.) 19. Turn "needs" into preferences. Our basic physical needs translate into food, water, and keeping warm. Everything else is a preference. Don't get attached to preferences. 20. Simplify, simplify, simplify. 21. Make friends with nonworriers. Chronic worrywarts are contagious. 22. Take many stretch breaks when you sit a lot.

23. If you can't find quiet at home, wear earplugs. 24. Get enough sleep. Set your alarm for bedtime. 25. Organize! A place for everything and everything in its place. Losing things is stressful. 26. Monitor your body for stress signs. If your stomach muscles are knotted and your breathing is shallow, relax your muscles and take some deep, slow breaths. 27. Write your thoughts and feelings down on paper. It can help you clarify and give you a renewed perspective. 28. Do this yoga exercise when you need to relax: Inhale through your nose to the count of eight. Pucker your lips and exhale slowly to the count of 16. Concentrate on the long sighing sound and feel the tension dissolve. Repeat 10 times. 29. Visualize success before any experience you fear. Take time to go over every part of the event in your mind. Imagine how great you will look, and how well you will present yourself. 30. If the stress of deadlines gets in the way of doing a job, use diversion. Take your mind off the task and you will focus better when you're on task. 31. Talk out your problems with a friend. It helps to relieve confusion. 32. Avoid people and places that don't fit your personal needs and desires. If you hate politics, don't spend time with politically excited people. 33. Learn to live one day at a time. 34. Everyday, do something you really enjoy. 35. Add an ounce of love to everything you do. 36. Take a bath or shower to relieve tension. 37. Do a favor for someone every day. 38. Focus on understanding rather than on being under stood, on loving rather than on being loved. 39. Looking good makes you feel better. 40. Take more time between tasks to relax. Schedule a realistic day. 41. Be flexible. Some things are not worth perfection. 42. Stop negative self-talk: "I'm too fat, too old, etc..." 43. Change pace on weekends. If your week was slow, be active. If you felt nothing was accomplished during the week, do a weekend project. 44. "Worry about the pennies, and the dollars will take care of themselves." Pay attention to the details in front of you. 45. Do one thing at a time. When you are working on one thing, don't think about everything else you have to do. 46. Allow time every day for privacy, quiet and thinking. 47. Do unpleasant tasks early and enjoy the rest of the day. 48. Delegate responsibility to capable people. 49. Take lunch breaks. Get away from your work in body and in mind. 50. Count to 1,000, not 10, before you say something that could make matters worse. 51. Forgive people and events. Accept that we live in an imperfect world. 52. Have an optimistic view of the world. Most people do the best they can.

Um, angry.

Um, angry.

I'm bored, unmotivated, tired and irritated right now. It's like I've got this ball of anxiety with nowhere to discard.

There was an argument last night between Brian and me. Personally, I don't feel like I was in the wrong. I don't feel like I deserved to have anger directed at me. No "Buts", nothing, period. It was simply unfair, and I hate it.

So I was supposed to be on "his side" and should "have his back"? Yeah, well, only if someone's attacking him. I was only trying to convey to him someone else's point of view. All I was looking for was some acknowledgement. If he doesn't understand that I can see his view and his roommate's view, too, then the problem isn't mine. Why is it that while the shortcomings of his communication techniques and style are so clear to me, he is completely oblivious to it? How can he not understand that that is the problem, not me? Why doesn't he understand that I don't like how he communicates sometimes because it bothers me and hurts me, even though I try to tolerate and accommodate it? Why can't he get that if there aren't changes made, it'll become detrimental to his valued relationships? I'm not asking him to "lie" or to "sugar coat" things, but being more flexible and more in-tune with other people's receptiveness might do him a lot of good ... and he wonders why people don't like working with him at a previous job! Why can't he understand that changes are just that -- you change things -- and there is no such thing as "I can't", because even if you can't completely change, every little bit of effort counts? I simply do not believe that "I can't change coz this is the way I am" is a good enough excuse. What makes more sense is "I WON'T change coz this is the way I am". If he wants it enough, he'll be able to do it -- he just doesn't want it enough because it's inconvenient.

Last night, I was just trying to be nice, for all my intentions. Well, so much for that.

Just in case I did say anything out of line, I apologized for it. I told him that I'm sorry for hurting his feelings. In any argument, I'm sure everybody's feelings are hurt. I guess apologies are warranted. I know it's the right thing to do, so I apologized. But is it fair for him not to offer me an apology that I rightfully deserve? I think not.

So now I'm left with feeling rotten about "not having his back" and feeling utterly stupid for even having said anything. I feel like I am not getting the benefit of the doubt and that he doesn't trust my judgment -- that I'm doing something good for him.

Why is it that everytime I say something about anything, I end up feeling stupid and unnecessary? I either get no reply or something like, "Don't over-react. Let's just move on." I over-react? I might be, but I don't over-react everytime an issue comes up. It's not all me. I bet it's just so much easier to dismiss it as an "over-reaction" than to really understand where I'm coming from. Pretty soon, I'm just gonna be completely mute because nothing I say will be given any credit. Not fair. Not ok.

Seriously, granted that not everyone can say nice things everytime we open our mouths, I would still say that if we can't be fair and sincerely apologize for the unpleasant things we say, then don't say anything at all. Don't leave other people to feel rotten inside just because we can't do things with consideration.

Poetry

What does this mean to you?

Still I Rise


You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

Maya Angelou

Gratitude

Skycrystal2005: I felt like a stay-at-home mom/housewife yesterday.

NoraDragoon: that's what brian wants you to be

NoraDragoon: a stay at home mom with an education

NoraDragoon: haha

Skycrystal2005: nah.

Skycrystal2005: hahaha

Skycrystal2005: HE wants to be a stay at home dad

NoraDragoon: well, chuck and i don't want to work

NoraDragoon: we both want to stay home and have fun

NoraDragoon: i wish life was that way

Skycrystal2005: No shit.

Skycrystal2005: I think I want something good to happen ... that's why I'm still going to school.

NoraDragoon: i don't like having to trade my time for a measly 10/hr paying job. i don't like trading my time for money

NoraDragoon: that's why i need to be self employed

Skycrystal2005: I want to work hard for a few years in order to do what we want.

Skycrystal2005: My man works hard every single day.

Skycrystal2005: And when I say hard, it's hard work, and he comes home with cuts and wounds all the time.

Skycrystal2005: I love him, and I love him for working so hard for us.

Skycrystal2005: And I'm not going to let him do this his entire life.

NoraDragoon: chuck does that too, but he comes home covered in construction glue and has some sort of spinters from working with wood all day

NoraDragoon: i come home and my wrists hurt

NoraDragoon: from typing

Skycrystal2005: God, I actually have someone who works to take care of me so that I won't have to worry.

Skycrystal2005: Who would have thought the smelly weird kid from high school would be the one to do that for me. Hahaha!
[Ok, so Nora said that Brian was stinky when he was in high school. Unfortunately (and fortunately), I have no recollection of that.]

NoraDragoon: your funny

Skycrystal2005: I'm serious! Do you know how many people out there want exactly what I have?

Skycrystal2005: I bet countless.

Some Understanding

I can't say that this is any sort of enlightenment, but I will say that I can understand better now.

I spend the morning of the New Year's Eve talking to my parents about our relationship and the fact that we're so different.

Skycrystal2005: I just read what you sent me. And I guess what is God to other people is what is my family to me.
Skycrystal2005: It's very very very hard -- and morally impossible -- to take family or God out of the equation for some people.
Skycrystal2005: Phil, our friend, for example.
NoraDragoon: i know
Skycrystal2005: His girlfriend broke up with him because of religious differences.
Skycrystal2005: Very sad.
Skycrystal2005: Love is one thing, religion is another, it seems.
NoraDragoon: some people are very adiment about god and pleasing god and what not, i asked julie this question,
Skycrystal2005: But what is the very point of the issue, at least for Kelly, Phil's ex, anyway ...
Skycrystal2005: is that how do you reconcile and balance between love, and something that you have had all your life, be it God or family expectations?
Skycrystal2005: On one hand, you LOVE this man,
Skycrystal2005: on the other hand, it's almost impossible to deny what you've believed your entire life.
Skycrystal2005: It is to "deny",
NoraDragoon: and doesn't god want you to be happy so that you can supposivly serve him better
Skycrystal2005: because that's not what your family or the scripture agrees.
Skycrystal2005: Happiness, they say, is to share it.
Skycrystal2005: There are guidelines to it, they believe.
NoraDragoon: how i look at it is this, you have to make your self happy otherwise, you're going to always be denying yourself things that are there for you to enjoy, love to be a good example
Skycrystal2005: And regardless of whether these guidelines are shackles or not,
Skycrystal2005: it's something many have lived with for a long time,
Skycrystal2005: and are not ready to go against it.
NoraDragoon: and i see it as a sad thing
Skycrystal2005: That's why I think it's such a hard thing for some.
NoraDragoon: putting conditions on yourself only to be unhappy in the end
NoraDragoon: me too
NoraDragoon: it's hard for me to deal with people who are so evangelical with religion
Skycrystal2005: It makes some people question the life they used to lead.
Skycrystal2005: it's a matter of self-valuation.
NoraDragoon: totally
Skycrystal2005: If you do things differently, then what does your life before mean?
Skycrystal2005: Did you do it all in vain?
NoraDragoon: i don't know i value my self much more then others value themselves
Skycrystal2005: What will happen in the future?
Skycrystal2005: Is this "love" really going to bring me happiness?
Skycrystal2005: What if it fails ... then it'll be all lost.
NoraDragoon: maybe,
Skycrystal2005: That's what I can see them feeling.
NoraDragoon: no it's not all a loss, it's a learning experience and you have to learn and do trial and error before you can succeed
NoraDragoon: you have to learn to fail to be able to prevail
NoraDragoon: it's a concept that took me a while myself to understand.
Skycrystal2005: The thing is ... errors are not allowed in some communities. Be it right or wrong, there are things that you do that will make you or break you in certain circles.
NoraDragoon: and i think thats why i don't agree with organized religion for the most part, there are a lot of good things about it, but there are a lot a faults to it too.
Skycrystal2005: In a traditional family, you become an ingrate (an ungrateful person). In a religious circle, I don't know, you might become a sinner.
NoraDragoon: that's kind of what happens.
Skycrystal2005: In Hollywood, you become a slut if you get into too many relationships.
Skycrystal2005: Or at least dysfunctinoal.
NoraDragoon: my cousin adam prays for me everyday, just so that i don't go to hell.
Skycrystal2005: In politics, well, look at Clinton.
NoraDragoon: he feels that i'm living a sinners life and need to be saved in his world
Skycrystal2005: so, in every community, in every circle, there is that kind of condemnation and ostricism.
Skycrystal2005: Some people are less susceptible, but some are very affected by it.
Skycrystal2005: But I dare say that no one is impervious to it.
Skycrystal2005: Because we are all related.
NoraDragoon: yeah, and it's our jobs as individuals to choose whether or not we are going to let someone that has a closed mind about things let them affect us in any sort of manner
Skycrystal2005: That's all we can do on an individual level.
Skycrystal2005: If you have doubts about a relationship ... or the valuation between the relationship with a lover and the relationship between your community,
Skycrystal2005: then chances are, you need more time to think it through.
Skycrystal2005: and you may not be as ready as you think.
NoraDragoon: that is the point, right there.
Skycrystal2005: That's what I gathered from my experience with my family.
Skycrystal2005: I realized that I value my relationship with Brian so much that it is worth it to me to stand up.
Skycrystal2005: The question to those who are in similar positions as mine is: IS IT WORTH IT TO YOU?
NoraDragoon: my family has there ideals as to what they want for me, but they also have been told by me that i don't apprieciate it when they tell me that something i'm doing isn't right or what not. i have to remind them sometimes that i'm my own person and that what i do is right for me and might not be right for them.
NoraDragoon: same goes for anyone that tells me that i'm going to hell cuz i'm not a christian or something
NoraDragoon: crazy like that
Skycrystal2005: And of course, some families take that better than others ....
Skycrystal2005: My family doesn't take the comment of "I make my own choices" so well, you see.
Skycrystal2005: But it's a delicate balance, and it's different for everyone.
NoraDragoon: oh i know
Skycrystal2005: It's the judgement called "worth" that became key to me.
NoraDragoon: that's right, everyone is different. there are not two people in this world, walking this earth that are the same
NoraDragoon: we are all like snow flakes every crystal is unique
Skycrystal2005: For those who think it's worth it to stand up, congrats,
Skycrystal2005: because this relationship will mean that much more to you two.
Skycrystal2005: And it's not to detract worth from those who are lucky enough not to have to fight like that.
Skycrystal2005: Because peace is a wonderful thing.
Skycrystal2005: But those of us who have to fight, we know to hold on to the relationship that much tighter.
Skycrystal2005: It makes us as snowflakes just a little prettier in our eyes .... :-)
NoraDragoon: damn straight
Skycrystal2005: I'm just gonna put this in my blog.

Resolute Resolutions

I never really believed in new year resolutions. Kinda phony, I thought. If you're going to change anything, you'd feel it, and you'd change it. I guess this is part philosophy and part character flaw. Maybe that's why I never made many changes throughout the years that I can count. This year, however, I feel is a very monumental year. During the second half of 2006, my life has drastically changed. I never lived for myself, as I have always wanted to help, to save, to give. But this year, I realized that not only will I truly never live for myself, I will also never live alone. So in welcoming this change, let me boldly and resolutely say ...

I have decided that I should make the following adjustments in 2007:

1. When I say "I have decided", go through with it;

2. Kick ass in school (enough said, coz I know exactly what that means);

3. Believe in Brian, and believe in myself. Believe in a bright future, and believe in "us". Hold on to them and do not let go;

4. Before I start stressing out and getting scared, give myself a couple more minutes to evaluate whether it's worth it or not. Seriously, is someone going to die? Is the world going to end? No? Well, then it'll be ok -- DON'T PANIC;

5. Before I start to procrastinate ("Oh, I can do this later."), start doing it -- one step at a time. Seems like I am more likely to procrastinate because I get overwhelmed by the task;

6. Build a better relationship with my parents and continue the special ties I have with my cousins;

7. Just do it, and don't think too much about it while I'm doing it ... have a positive attitude, and it'll all work out;

8. Trust that I can do more than I think;

9. Find more perspective to understand, but always first understand firmly my perspective;

10. Be a better friend and check in with my friends more often;

11. Drive, and carefully so;

12. Think of more creative ways to write;

13. Cook more and use my cookbooks;

14. Practice being an "Untouchable";

15. Be healthy and start climbing again;

16. Spend less time waiting around and stalking on MySpace. Instead, devote that time to reading, gaining knowledge and expanding creativity;

17. Volunteer in my spare time;

18. Enjoy exploring myself and additional hobbies in my spare time (don't be shy; you will fall embarrassingly more than you want).