Um, angry.

Um, angry.

I'm bored, unmotivated, tired and irritated right now. It's like I've got this ball of anxiety with nowhere to discard.

There was an argument last night between Brian and me. Personally, I don't feel like I was in the wrong. I don't feel like I deserved to have anger directed at me. No "Buts", nothing, period. It was simply unfair, and I hate it.

So I was supposed to be on "his side" and should "have his back"? Yeah, well, only if someone's attacking him. I was only trying to convey to him someone else's point of view. All I was looking for was some acknowledgement. If he doesn't understand that I can see his view and his roommate's view, too, then the problem isn't mine. Why is it that while the shortcomings of his communication techniques and style are so clear to me, he is completely oblivious to it? How can he not understand that that is the problem, not me? Why doesn't he understand that I don't like how he communicates sometimes because it bothers me and hurts me, even though I try to tolerate and accommodate it? Why can't he get that if there aren't changes made, it'll become detrimental to his valued relationships? I'm not asking him to "lie" or to "sugar coat" things, but being more flexible and more in-tune with other people's receptiveness might do him a lot of good ... and he wonders why people don't like working with him at a previous job! Why can't he understand that changes are just that -- you change things -- and there is no such thing as "I can't", because even if you can't completely change, every little bit of effort counts? I simply do not believe that "I can't change coz this is the way I am" is a good enough excuse. What makes more sense is "I WON'T change coz this is the way I am". If he wants it enough, he'll be able to do it -- he just doesn't want it enough because it's inconvenient.

Last night, I was just trying to be nice, for all my intentions. Well, so much for that.

Just in case I did say anything out of line, I apologized for it. I told him that I'm sorry for hurting his feelings. In any argument, I'm sure everybody's feelings are hurt. I guess apologies are warranted. I know it's the right thing to do, so I apologized. But is it fair for him not to offer me an apology that I rightfully deserve? I think not.

So now I'm left with feeling rotten about "not having his back" and feeling utterly stupid for even having said anything. I feel like I am not getting the benefit of the doubt and that he doesn't trust my judgment -- that I'm doing something good for him.

Why is it that everytime I say something about anything, I end up feeling stupid and unnecessary? I either get no reply or something like, "Don't over-react. Let's just move on." I over-react? I might be, but I don't over-react everytime an issue comes up. It's not all me. I bet it's just so much easier to dismiss it as an "over-reaction" than to really understand where I'm coming from. Pretty soon, I'm just gonna be completely mute because nothing I say will be given any credit. Not fair. Not ok.

Seriously, granted that not everyone can say nice things everytime we open our mouths, I would still say that if we can't be fair and sincerely apologize for the unpleasant things we say, then don't say anything at all. Don't leave other people to feel rotten inside just because we can't do things with consideration.