Babies

Awww, my babies.

I used to have mice as pets, and that wasn't very long ago ... maybe two years. It was sort of an effort to make up my lack of experience with pets in my childhood (I had a pet SNAIL as a child ... but then it ran away before I could even name it). I had 13 mice at one point, as I recall. Hey, they're not all the same. They had their own personalities, seriously.

Olivia
Charlotte
Abigail -Abby
Annabelle -Annie
Amelia -Frodo
Isabella -Izzy
Victoria -Torey
Scarlette -Pinky
One-Eared Willie
Jaime - Little Boy
Patrick
Jackyln - Jacky
Elizabeth - Lizzie

Yeah, I went a little crazy.

My first two mice were punks. They bit me everytime I put my hand anywhere near them. But then again, they had a miserable time at the pet store, as the owner of the store just tossed them around like food (literally! I rescued them from being eaten by snakes). They were Charlotte and Olivia. I loved those names, and I gave them to my first real pets. That was in April of 2004.

But the trouble of having mice as pets is that you really don't have to limit yourself on how many you have. Unlike cats or dogs, if you have too many of them, it just doesn't work out. Mice ... well, they're mice, and they're small, so it's ok as long as you get another cage.

So because my first mice weren't so friendly, I got myself another three. And, boy, I didn't know what trouble I was in for. These 3 were definitely pretty: Annabell was black and white, kinda like a milk cow; Frodo had long silver fur; and Abigail was just grey, but cute anyway. And all three were BULLIES. They terriorized the Original Two to death ... almost.

Between so many mice and so many memories, Izzy lived the longest and I actually liked her the most ... and it's hard not to! She would respond to my calls, would climb up my hand when I offered, and was just sooo friendly. She ran away and never came home -- and I never could find her. That was the first time I cried in front of my mom and brother as an adult. Yep, all for Izzy.

I miss my babies today, and all the memories that go with them, McKenna, Sam, my old, tiny apartment, their smell (stinky!), Petsmart/Petco Runs, sickness and death, little boxes that enclosed their bodies before I buried them, flowers, bites, sunshine, ....

... just like how sunny it is today.

Scars and Twilight

Funny how things work ... and I know I always say that, but it's true.

I guess life goes on. When your wounds heal, all that's left is scar tissue, where it is slow to react to stimuli.

So my wound has healed. I no longer feel the pain shooting straight through my heart everytime I read or see or hear something or whatever that reminds me of the past. The feeling becomes an aged nostalgia instead. I'd sigh and go: "Yes, I remember that."

Those days ... life-changing, yes, but now, they are just memories that did change my life. Cherished, both the good and the bad, but in the past ... black and white. They can no longer hurt me the way they did.

It's been a long 5 years -- 5 years that had 10 years' effect on me. Through the storms that I weathered and the quakes that I sustained, yes, I am still here. No, I didn't do it all alone; those that were and still are behind me will never leave my heart. No, I'm not perfect, but I am still here waiting to fight another day.

I am waiting with open arms, so tell me ...

... Tell me how I can make it better this time around. Tell me where the Road is because I'll go without hesitation.

I am waiting for the dawn so that I can fight for a change.

For twilight.

Waiting.

Secret to the Origin of Love

Origin of Love
from the musical motion picture "Hedwig and the Angry Inch"

When the earth was still flat,
And the clouds made of fire,
And mountains stretched up to the sky,
Sometimes higher,
Folks roamed the earth
Like big rolling kegs.
They had two sets of arms.
They had two sets of legs.
They had two faces peering
Out of one giant head
So they could watch all around them
As they talked; while they read.
And they never knew nothing of love.
It was before the origin of love.

The origin of love

And there were three sexes then,
One that looked like two men
Glued up back to back,
Called the children of the sun.
And similar in shape and girth
Were the children of the earth.
They looked like two girls
Rolled up in one.
And the children of the moon
Were like a fork shoved on a spoon.
They were part sun, part earth
Part daughter, part son.

The origin of love

Now the gods grew quite scared
Of our strength and defiance
And Thor said,
"I'm gonna kill them all
With my hammer,
Like I killed the giants."
And Zeus said, "No,
You better let me
Use my lightening, like scissors,
Like I cut the legs off the whales
And dinosaurs into lizards."
Then he grabbed up some bolts
And he let out a laugh,
Said, "I'll split them right down the middle.
Gonna cut them right up in half."
And then storm clouds gathered above
Into great balls of fire

And then fire shot down
From the sky in bolts
Like shining blades
Of a knife.
And it ripped
Right through the flesh
Of the children of the sun
And the moon
And the earth.
And some Indian god
Sewed the wound up into a hole,
Pulled it round to our belly
To remind us of the price we pay.
And Osiris and the gods of the Nile
Gathered up a big storm
To blow a hurricane,
To scatter us away,
In a flood of wind and rain,
And a sea of tidal waves,
To wash us all away,
And if we don't behave
They'll cut us down again
And we'll be hopping round on one foot
And looking through one eye.

Last time I saw you
We had just split in two.
You were looking at me.
I was looking at you.
You had a way so familiar,
But I could not recognize,
Cause you had blood on your face;
I had blood in my eyes.
But I could swear by your expression
That the pain down in your soul
Was the same as the one down in mine.
That's the pain,
Cuts a straight line
Down through the heart;
We called it love.
So we wrapped our arms around each other,
Trying to shove ourselves back together.
We were making love,
Making love.
It was a cold dark evening,
Such a long time ago,
When by the mighty hand of Jove,
It was the sad story
How we became
Lonely two-legged creatures,
It's the story of
The origin of love.
That's the origin of love.

My People on MySpace

By the way, I'm so proud of myself to say that, except for a handful of people on my buddy list (some are acquaintences that I don't usually "talk" to in the virtual world but will talk if we saw each other in the tangible world, some are music pages, and I believe there's ONE that is neither; it's more like an "OHMYGOSHYOUAREJOEYHARRINGTON!" impulse), all the other people are actual friends or very good friends that I actually talk to!

Knowing I have so many people who care about me and I care about makes me feel ... rich.

Troubled Lives

Man! It's been so crazy. So much going on in my friends' lives. I'm so worried. I am glad, however, that they're coming to me for help and support. Just know that I am here for you!

Where is the Love?

Where is the Love?
Black Eyed Peas

What's wrong with the world mama?
People living like aint got no mamas
I think the whole worlds addicted to the drama
Only attracted to the things that bring you trauma
Overseas yeah we tryin to stop terrorism
But we still got terrorists here livin
In the USA the big CIA the Bloodz and the Crips and the KKK
But if you only have love for your own race
Then you only leave space to discriminate
And to discriminate only generates hate
And if you hatin you're bound to get irate
Yeah madness is what you demonstrate
And that's exactly how anger works and operates
You gotta have love just to set it straight
Take control of your mind and meditate
Let your soul gravitate to the love y'all

People killing people dying
Children hurtin you hear them crying
Can you practice what you preach
Would you turn the other cheek?
Father Father Father help us
Send some guidance from above
Cause people got me got me questioning
Where is the love?(where is the lovex3)(the love2x)

It just ain't the same all ways have changed
New days are strange is the world the insane?
If love and peace so strong
Why are there pieces of love that don't belong
Nations dropping bombs
Chemical gases filling lungs of little ones
With ongoing suffering
As the youth die young
So ask yourself is the loving really strong?
So I can ask myself really what is going wrong
With this world that we living in
People keep on giving in
Makin wrong decisions
Only visions of them livin and
Not respecting each other
Deny thy brother
The wars' going on but the reasons' undercover
The truth is kept secret
Swept under the rug
If you never know truth
Then you never know love
Where's the love y'all?(I don't know)
Where's the truth y'all?(I don't know)
Where's the love y'all?

People killing people dying
Children hurtin you hear them crying
Can practice what you preach
Would you turn the other cheek?
Father father father help us
Send some guidance from above
Cause people got me got me questioning
Where is the love?(where is the lovex3)(the lovex2)

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulder
As I'm getting older y'all people get colder
Most of us only care about money makin
Selfishness got us followin the wrong direction
Wrong information always shown by the media
Negative images is the main criteria
Infecting their young minds faster than bacteria
Kids wanna act like what the see in the cinema
Whatever happened to the values of humanity
Whatever happened to the fairness and equality
Instead of spreading love, we're spreading anomosity
Lack of understanding, leading us away from unity
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feeling under
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feeling down
It's no wonder why sometimes I'm feeling under
I gotta keep my faith alive, until love is found

People killing people dying
Children hurtin you hear them crying
Can you practice what you preach
Would you turn the other cheek?
Father Father Father help us
Send some guidance from above
Cause people got me got me questioning
Where is the love?(fade)

There's Only Us; There's Only This

"Don't fall in love; stand in love, so that you can walk away when it's over."

I read that in a friend's friend's blog. Some commented that it's "so true," and some said that if it's love, "then it wouldn't be over."

But love's like that. You mean different things to different people at different times.

Even a couple may find that their meaning to each other changes as they grow along side of each other. Sometimes, some couples can no longer relate to each other with that change, while some can and are willing to make that change part of their relationship.

But when two people cannot make that change work out for them and the relationship ends, it doesn't mean that they didn't share love at one point or another. Conversely, just because two people love each other doesn't mean they must or will love each other forever.

When a relationship is over, it doesn't mean the two involved have to walk away and stop loving and caring about each other. A relationship can end, but two people can still love each other. If they don't love each other anymore, they can still care about each other.

Though related, relationships and love are different things. Don't confuse the two.

Of course, ideally and romantically speaking, having love and a relationship based upon it forever is more reassuring and seems to be less complicated, but no one knows how long forever is, is there?

So how about just work on loving each other ...

... TODAY?

What do you think?

A Few Short Points

This is a short one because I need to get to bed.

1. I just got the internet back, but it's so unreliable, so I don't know when I'll disappear again. When I do, if I do, I'll miss you all. :-D
2. I am sooooo happy to have received all the messages and comments and mail from all of you during the time that I've been absent from the cyberspace. When I opened my e-mail tonight, I saw that I have received 65 new ones ... many of them stuff from the U of O, some from family and friends, some junk, and lots of MySpace and Facebook message alerts.
3. I just met someone from the U of O the other day!! On top of it all, from the same department and we had the same class together during my sophomore year! I had been wondering about what everyone is up to in that class not so long ago, and I was just wondering whether I would meet any fellow Oregonians about 10 minutes before spotting her at a restaurant! (Steffany!! You're awesome!! Yay!!!)

Hmm, that's an idea ...

My mother gave me an interesting idea to think about the other day. She said that I could gather up my experiences here in Hong Kong and write a book about them when I get home.

I am quitting tomorrow, so that I can research for my thesis, wander around in Hong Kong, take pictures and take notes, so that I can write a book about everything.

I think I'd like that.

Thanks, Mom.

What Comes My Way: the Train Ride

I must say that I am thankful for not being in any sort of heartache right now, so that I can pain myself with things such as job hunt, future possibilities, friends, family, spirituality, physical and mental health, arts, knowledge, dreams, and a gizzllion other things that I otherwise wouldn't have been able to do. AND I can still fantasize that romance and relationships are still good and not be jaded.

So thank you, love, for releasing me into the world like a breath of air. Thank you for your forgiveness of the terrible mistakes I have made, so that I can stand up again and go on and on. Thank you for moving on with your own life, so that I can realize I can stand on my own two feet and find my own way on my own. This must be your ultimate gift ... a chance for me to find my own happiness.

I read that life is just like a train ride, where your close companion who sits next to you may one day stand up and leave suddenly for another car on the train. Sure, you may pay a visit in that other car, but you can no longer take the closest seat because that seat is already taken.

No matter.

The train is full of passengers that get on and off, that move here and there, and some of them will represent something special and significant in your life. Regardless of where its passengers move to or how they move, the train keeps going onward.

... Just don't go back.

I will often glance behind me to remind me of all those things and events and people that have pushed me, shaped me to the way I am today. But I will never go back; I can never go back, for the mist has draped over what has passed while the train took a turn.

I will look forward, and, firmly, I will be ready for what will come my way.

Oh, You Know Me.

I'm Such a BAD GIRL! hahaha!

My Sexy New Outfit

I got myself a very cute/sexy/fun/comfortable outfit today. Yay! Party clothes!

I love shopping when everything is on sale!!

I Love Dancing!

I love modern jazz! I love improv jazz! But I don't quite like hiphop/jazz. It's fun, but I don't like routines. I don't like having people tell me what to do! This is why my teacher thinks I suck. Somebody, teach me jazz!

Gorgeous at the Train Station

Um, I saw a VERY good looking guy today at the train station today. Tall, dark brown hair, bright blue eyes, laid back in how he dressed, and he's in Hong Kong, which makes him at least that much more interesting. He's the "oh my gosh, what did your mother feed you as a child that made you the way you are today?" kind. Probably the most gorgeous creature I've seen for a long time. Even though we checked each other out, I was too shy to say hi. I guess I'm just not ready to meet guys. I tend to hide myself or run away (literally! I've done that before) when I notice I'm being checked out. But then he got off the train, and I was disappointed. I'm just so weird.

Yay for Working Out!

Yay! I will start my gym membership on Saturday!! Yay!!!

Morning Glory

Seriously, the most disorienting moments come when I first get up. I can't seem to find anything, say anything, can't seem to think of anything else to do but to get on MySpace and AIM and MSN (which I'm on 24/7 pretty much) and chat it up. And even when no one is online, I am still on it ... to find myself 2 hours and several blogs later still sitting there stalking people. Yes, the mornings ... ah, my weakness!

For Your Phone Game Needs ...

It's on a night like this that I wish I'm being taken care of and have not a worry on my mind.

PS. For those who wish to know, and there've been quite a few people who asked, that Phone Game thing I re-posted on MySpace in hopes that something good might happen ... DIDN'T WORK (Mr. Right never did call, that jerk)!

Just a Trivial Matter of Living Situation

I'm tired of living at someone else's home. It's just been driving me crazy to begin with. I can't treat this place as a dorm, but I can't seriously treat this place as my home, so it's just ambiguous and awkward. I just got complaint that I don't do my own dishes, which is fair; I'm supposed to and I'm just fuck'n lazy, and I am glad that my aunt didn't hold it in. Then she proceded on to say, "I don't know whether you view this place as a dorm or whatever, but if you don't come back for dinner, you should call." Well, I used to call, but she also said a little while back that I should only call when I DO come back for dinner, because I DON'T join for dinner more often than I do. Ok, so fine. I guess the point is to call either or. But the actual point is that she feel I treat this place as a "dorm." Ok, so if that makes her unhappy, then what should I treat this place as? Ugh, I knew there'd be problem. It was a problem the last time I was here, too, and I was only here for a couple of weeks.

Ah, well, at least I learned. And I learn how important it is to have a place of your own.

Take care of yourself, damn it!

I have GOT to stop going to bed past 3am! I'm so exhausted and now I have to go and interview somebody. Ughhhh!

Good Book (and it's good to be bilingual)

So I went to the library today and found lots of books, which I checked out and took home. I actually like Chinese. I like how simple but complex the language is. Simple because in just a few characters, you can express so much. Complex because the language itself is so intricately linked to the history. There is so much behind each character that you can spend a lifetime exploring every one of them. I am also proud of myself for having decent Chinese handwriting. This is "something" to me because I hadn't been writing Chinese for so long, and I've only been in Hong Kong for 3 months. Now, I have good handwriting, and I am proficient in Mandarin. This is awesome.

Anyway, so after I left the library, I decided to go to the bookstore a few blocks away ... yes, books again. I was only gonna look at books related to my project there, but then I found two books that just spoke to me: one is called "35X33: The 33 Things You Must Accomplish Before 35" (my translation from Chinese into English), and the other one is "Good Luck" (written by two Spanish guys). I haven't started the second one yet, but seriously, I would recommed that first book to anyone (if you know Chinese, or I can translate it to you)! There are so many things in there that everyone should know, especially when you're in your 20s ... things you should equip yourself with for life after 35. The title spoke to me because I have been having a tough time trying to figure out what my life is all about. There are "up days," but there are "down days," too. And the "down days" can be pretty pathetic ... because I'd have no idea how to make it better, mostly due to the fact that I am kinda lost in life to begin with. But this book is helping find a direction. I'm only part-way into it, but I know this is a book that will change my outlook in life like I needed to.

Today was a decent day well invested with profit. I'm fairly happy with it. :)

Days Spent in Songs; Songs Spent in Days

I just bought myself The All-American Rejects CD, "Move Along." It's poppy punk rock/superpop, and -- heck! -- I LOVE IT! I just realized that I kinda like this kind of music ... notice I'm the Something Corporate, Stroke 9, The Ataris type ....

Anyway, I just needed some new music. I believe that songs can be "spent." They exhaust themselves because I mark memories with these songs. So whenever I listen to one song, I'd remember a certain time in life. There are times when I just don't wanna look back to the past and look into the future instead, but the songs just bring me back. That is when I realize the songs have been "spent." They're no longer "fresh."

To Be Born Incomplete

I am convinced that everyone is born incomplete. That's what makes us want to love, as an attempt to complete ourselves. If the logic holds, then those who were born the most incomplete are the ones that have the most capacity to love.

[More on this topic, you should all listen to "Origin of Love" from the "Hedwig and the Angry Inch" soundtrack. If you know you're incomplete, and you've loved and have been loved, this song will make you cry.]

Please Love Me ...

(EARLY) HAPPY VALENTINE'S/SINGLE AWARENESS DAY!!

Ahhh, Oregon State Fair 2006!

Sooooo unfair!

I'm gonna miss the Oregon State Fair! Not that I went every other year -- in fact, I've never been to it before. But this year, Deftones (April 2) are gonna be there, The All-American Rejects, Fall Out Boys, Hawthorne Heights and From First to Last (April 7) are gonna be there, too!!! And I won't be back until the 10th!

Oh man ... Soooo disappointed!

Well, then let me go to the Gorge for Sasquatch, pleeeeeaaase!!

Tough

I AM SO FUCK'N TOUGH!

Just when you think I'm down, I'm up.
Just when you think I can't go on, I'm right there ahead of you.
Just when you think my life is going to shit, I just have a way to turn it around.

I'm damn proud of myself for being able to stand up, face reality, and move on. I am proud of myself for being happy for others when I have worries of my own.

Oh, don't you worry. Thanks to so many people and so many things -- you included -- I'm doing great.

I Could Be a Pop Star!

So I guess the karaoke company (California Red, if you have been reading my blogs) was thinking about getting me out there for a pop singing competition.

That is seriously one of the more absurd things I've heard for a while. BAHAHAHAHA!

Of course I said no. I'm too shy.

Fuck'n Tough, I Am! (an epilogue)

I AM SO FUCK'N TOUGH!

Just when you think I'm down, I'm up.
Just when you think I can't go on, I'm right there ahead of you.
Just when you think my life is going to shit, I just have a way to turn it around.

I'm damn proud of myself for being able to stand up, face reality, and move on. I am proud of myself for being happy for others when I have worries of my own.

Oh, don't you worry. Thanks to so many people and so many things -- you included -- I'm doing great.

Twister!

... and someone - SOMEONE - has to play Twister with me when I get home. hahaha!

Outdoor Concert Concern!

I really really want to go to an outdoor concert!!! I wonder if I will be back in time for the spring concert at the Gorge ....

Karaoke with Boss et Plus

Ok, I can't say enough about how much fun I had karaoke-ing last night. I went to California Red's Red Box Plus, which is the best, top of the line spot for karaoke in Hong Kong -- as in, celebrities go there and it's twice as expensive as the already expensive passtime. And HAD FUN! I loooove singing, and I love having a bunch of people sing with me and dance around with me and applaud when I'm done. Of course, not to mention the drinking was nice, too. We happened to be in the Johnnie Walker-themed room, and we had BOTTLES OF JOHNNIE WALKER OLD SCOTCH WHISKEY! I wasn't drunk (didn't drink a whole lot coz I was too busy singing!), but my friend Ed ws hella drunk. That was pretty funny. Oh, by the way, as it turns out, I was partying with my old boss, my old boss' son (who I've known him since I was born!), the owner of California Red, the owner of a natural gas company, the part-owner of a dessert company (she gave me a VIP card!!), the owner of a record company, the owner of a speech training institute, the top representative of Caldwell (the US real estate giant) in Hong Kong (who is a big frick'n flirt when he's drunk), the owner of ... yeah, it was weird because it was fun partying with older people.

Anyway, let's move on.

I went to the cultural centre (notice that?? centRE?) yesterday and got a bunch of info on what I wanna do apart from the research project. I think it's awesome. Check it out:

1. Jazz and ballroom dance classes are relatively cheap -- Jazz for 400 (50USD) per 8 one-hour courses, ballroom for 200 (25USD) per 8 two-hour courses. I am pretty happy about that. I'm gonna do it.
2. Gym membership for, well, free.
3. Old film showings and free lectures.
4. Art and history exhibits for cheap and free lectures.
5. Drama productions and ballet performances (for a little more than I wanna pay for, but I'll consider going to at least one).
6. Volunteer at MERCY CORPS (it's a Portland-based NGO!!).
7. Part-time editing for an education material publishing house.
8. Travel around HK by joining charity walks (I don't know if this is gonna work out, but I'll try).

I am actually really excited to have a chance to be a part of a semi-foreign society. It's gonna be great!

Wish me luck!! I love y'all!

Just Wanna Share

It's 3am, and I just got home from the best night of karaoke-ing I've ever had in my life!!

PS.
X (glasses of Johnnie Walk+Coke)
+ Y (hours of karaoke)
==============================
= Z (amount of craziness)

I can pretty much guarantee the success of this formula, especially after numerous trial runs.

Groovy, Baby. Yeeeaaah!

How about an Austin Powers-themed party in April, as suggested by Annie and Barret, aka. B-Rabbit?

Other suggestions? Comments? Help? Please leave a message.

New Developments

There have been several new developments yesterday.

1. I discovered a National Novel Writing Month, which is in November! I am thinking if nothing comes in the way, I am going to register and participate.
2. I will start my workout again next week. I will get in shape.
3. I am now an intern editor at a publishing house for educational material.
4. I will be participating in this year's Single Awareness Day after all.

Also, is there anyone who would like to give me advice on a website for travelling and experimental travelling ideas?

An Order!

Ok, so ...

Operation Saving Lainey will take effect immediately.

The purpose of this operation is to rescue Lainey and take her home nice and sound.

How are we gonna do it?
First, we will follow up the last combat, report and close file (aka. finish up left over work from internship, write job description and turn it in).
Second, we will start combat training in approximately 5 days (aka. start working out next week).
Third, we will start strategic planning for the next decisive battle ASAP (aka. research).
Fourth, we will gather resources (aka. job-hunting).
Last, we will send word to alliance for backup (aka. career counseling).

This plan is non-negotiable.

Que Sera, Sera: My Uphill Battle and Winning

I understand, and even though I'm not completely over it, I'm half way there. I knew deep down that the best thing is for me to move on. But for whatever reasons, I actually bought into the somewhat ridiculous illusion that this might actually work for us and was advocating to myself that I should do something about it. I was dead wrong ... and boy, am I am glad that I came to my senses. Thank you. I know now it was but a dream.

No problem. This has been unforgettable, but I won't be hanging on and won't be waiting around, if that's what you're trying to say. Besides, I don't want to make you feel guilty for moving on after all that. I want you to be happy like you will be!

I know you're not the best thing for me, but I am glad that you're happy. I'm convinced that someone somehow someday might be waiting for me somewhere, and if he loves me enough, he'll find me waiting here, too. And I have so many adventures to pursue still. So what if I'm back to square one? I'll be moving onward like I always have!

Best of luck! See ya!

PS. Who knows? I don't guarantee it, but If I feel better about things when I get back, and you feel comfortable about everything, too, we can get some coffee.

~ e

Letting Go

Letting Go

Letting Go
from Jekyll and Hyde

Letting go of a hand,
That I've grown so accustomed to holding,
Letting go of that hand can be so hard.

Letting go of a hand,
That was there to protect and defend me.
Letting go of that hand,
Can be so hard.

There was bound to come a time,
I had to find my way,
Our time has come,
For letting go.

Moving on in my life,
There's so much about me I'm unsure of.
I must find my own way,
On my own.

You will always be with me,
I will always need your love
And it's so hard to let you go.

Even now, though we know,
Now my heart wants to hold on forever.
It's the hardest thing I know.
But now it's time, for letting go.
It's the hardest thing I know,
But now it's time, for letting go.

Always Will Be

Skycrystal2005: Speaking of which, I am sure I've grown up, too.
Skycrystal2005: Umm, not so much taller, as I had hoped ...
Skycrystal2005: but not quite as clueless anymore.
mattlaw00: you always will be

It's so good to have people who always ALWAYS will think the best of me and believe that I need to be protected and loved.

Just when I need an angel, God sends me friends.

Note: seriously it works. I was having a really rough time tonight, and I just said, "God, I need an angel please ... fast." And he sent me Matty ... and Mary, G, Emily, Tracey, Tammy, Jodi, Erin, Annie, Mark, Devlin, Tash, Ken, Ashley, oh my gosh, I want to put everyone on here, but I can't. Just so you know you're all in my heart!

Un Bel Di: One Fine Day (It'll Be My Turn)

"My decision has been made," says he.

And with one sentence, everything has been determined. I have nowhere to turn back to. Because the decision has been made.

With nowhere to turn, I am forced to go forward and hope for better things. Isn't it the same at every stop in life? Isn't it the same in every travel experience, when we encounter accommodation failures (hotels are full, hostels are full), and you just have to keep going to see if the next one has a room available. Hey, Mary and Joseph sure did the travelling ... went forward when they were turned away. They did it; why shouldn't we? We don't know where we're going, but we know exactly how to get there ... just keep moving forward.

"It's not the end of the world," says he. "I know you'll be fine."

He's right. My world will still go on. I will still wake up in the morning, thinking, "What? It's time to get up already?" I will still check the news, MySpace, Facebook and IMs when I get up. I will still smell the coffee, look up the sky, run in the rain if it's a rainy day, or put my hat and sunglasses on if it's sunny. I will still want to help people, do my best to make their lives better. I will still talk, laugh, be curious, travel, sing, dance, dream, hope, write, read, learn, love, be pissed off, have self-respect, be flawed, be empathetic, be a friend, be a daughter, sister, cousin, grand-daughter, student, member of society ... be me. I will still have my aspirations, my friends and my family. I will still want more to life.

And I will still wonder if there is someone out there who wants me. Maybe there is someone who needs me, loves me more than I do myself, supports, understands and accepts me, and is perfect for me in practically every way ... waiting for me.

Stop the tears. One day, it will be my turn.

Lately

"What life can I live that will let me breath in and out and love somebody or something and not run off into the woods screaming?" ~ Barbara Kingsolver Animal Dreams

Seriously. What CAN I do to make it better?

Lately, I've been so close to "running screaming into the woods." My internship wasn't exciting after all. It was more stressful than anything. Though, I must say that it has pushed me to the extreme in terms of patience and multi-tasking and tolerance. I have never been pushed that bad, and I have never tasted the life of a doormat, a pleaser and a bitch (aka. indentured servant) ever in my life. That was quite the experience. Although I learned from it, I don't want to ever do it again if I can help it.

Apart from that, I've just been pretty much lost at what I wanna do with my life. Or, rather, I have a general idea of what to do to make me happy, but I don't know how to get there. I'm just wandering right now and it's making me anxious. I guess I wasn't prepared psychologically to handle the fact that pursuing a dream isn't an easy task. It's HARD. It takes a lot of sacrifices that will haunt you. And I wasn't prepared emotionally to handle myself. I am just an excessively emotional person, and I have got to get a handle on that.

Picking up the pieces isn't so easy to do, especially when I'm far away from those who can help me. But getting away is good, too. It makes you realize how much you need the people around you, and it reminds you that you DO have people who want to help you, care about you and love you. I've been blessed with family and friends that want to help me move out of a rut, to move past a past that has haunted me for a long long time ... if only I would let them.

But I'm also trying to help myself. I'm trying to stay open. I'm trying to let people in to help me. I'm actually asking for people to help me now, instead of keeping closed up, pretending that I'm fine. That, I have learned, only prolongs the hurt, and prevents the wound from healing properly.

Recently, I thought that I have lost someone I love, someone who means a lot to me, and who has gone through a lot with me. But I kind of realize now that if keep holding on, no matter what happens, we would never lose each other because we are already so much a part of each other.

I'm just waiting until everything falls into place. It's not easy. Waiting is a game that tests perseverance and patience, resilience and character.

I just have to exhale all the negative thoughts and inhale all he possibilities ... let go, and just let it be.

Ingredients for a Good Life

What makes a full life? Well, let's see. We need:

Good friends
Caring family
Fulfilling career
Stable finances
Unforgettable love
Freedom of choice
+ Exciting adventures and experiences
============================
A damn good life

Anything I missed?

PARTY ON, DUDES!

Be excellent to each other ... and PARTY ON, DUDES!

I am toying with the idea of a get-together when I get home in April. But I have no experience in putting on parties or gatherings. What to do? Wanna help? :)

Proposition I

Lonely. Lonely. Lonely.

Are you, too?

Have you been left behind?

Wanna keep me company?

I'm in Hong Kong.

Take a trip over,

And we will be lonely no more.

Tina Says

Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?

Tina Turner said it. Straight to the point. And I second that.

I LOVE YOU!!!

Just when I am down, my friends come to my rescue. I love them!! I love my friends, and I love my family! They make my life shine when it's dull and dark. I can't wait to go back to them soon-ish!!

Where exactly did I ever get the luck with these people? I am not a very lucky person in some aspects. For those who know me, you know there have been things in my life that were just rotten. But seriously, out of everything in my life, I have such a great group of friends. I just don't know what I did for them to be there for me. It's kinda crazy.

I love you, you crazy bunch of people who love me, too.

Drop me off at that empty gas station

The love of my life chose someone else. And that's ok, as long as he's happy. I was being too hopeful anyway. It just feels kinda like being dropped off at an abandoned gas station in the middle of nowhere. There are no road signs in sight, and it doesn't matter which direction you go because you don't know which is the right way.

So what am I to do now? Well, yeah, keep going on with life. But how am I going to fill that void? After all, now I'm all alone again (Kind of reminds me of Eponine's song in Les Mis, for those who know Broadway. Funny thing, I was Eponine.). As this melancholy settles inside me and makes itself comfortable, I guess I'm going back to waiting again ... waiting for something better to happen, something to take my breath away ... anything. Nothing significantly positive has happened to me for a long time now. I am trying to figure out how I can turn it around.

Have LOVE on your mind? I've got 5 things for you

1. When he (or she) tells you he loves you and promises he always will, but chooses someone else over you, he doesn't really love you that much, and he certainly won't ALWAYS love you. But it's certainly time for you to love yourself, your family and friends even more. Remember: Don't treat someone like a priority who treats you like an option.

2. When he (or she) tells you he loves two people at the same time, that means YOU need to get out of the situation and cut your losses. You can never share a profit evenly enough to cover your costs. Same goes with someone who tells you he (or she) loves you, but loves drugs or gambling at the same time. If he (or she) loves a career, that can be managed. But drugs or gambling? That's impossible. He'll always need them more than he needs you.

3. When he (or she) tells you that he loves you so much, which is why you need to have sex all the time, and that's the way he shows you his love, he's got problems. Either he's only in it for the sex, or he's really got issues. Face it. If you don't deal with it, your relationship will be in trouble. YOU will be in trouble.

4. When you are going to be in a relationship with your ex, ie. start over/second chance, get ready; it's gonna be rocky. If you don't succeed, you are going to fail due to: a) falling into the same habits that broke you two up the last time, b) still holding on to the grudges from the last relationship, c) expect too much of each other, ie. "I thought you have changed!" d) regret investing more energy into a relationship that has failed before (perhaps out of the heat of the moment) instead on developing a new one, e) family and friends don't approve of the relationship, which becomes a huge pressure/baggage (reality check: you're not REALLY the only ones in the relationship; just when you think you're having sex with your other half, ie. 2 people, there really are 6 people in bed: you two, your parents, and his parents, if not more ... see "The Story of Us," starring Bruce Willis and Michelle Pfieffer).

5. If you feel nothing around you matters anymore because you can do anything, you're a much better, stronger version of you when around this person, you want to be with him/her forever, et cetera, AND he/she feels the same way, chances are you are in love. Don't let it slip away. Second chance rarely comes around.

Running on Jupiter Alone

I cry, but I don't sob.

I just cry.

The kind that no one knows and no one hears.

The kind that shuts me down because I know screaming my lungs out trying to get back what's been lost ...

is useless.

There's nothing like losing hope, and there's nothing like losing a second chance at being happy, a shot at redemption.

You know that feeling?

It's like your life sort of dims into darkness, and all the ghosts come rushing back to haunt you. Where do we go from here??

If you're an old-hand at this, you can even cry on the inside, but still smile on the outside, as if nothing happened.

But that requires something inside you to die first, and
it's
quite
the price
to pay.

If you're really REALLY good,

like me,

you wouldn't be afraid of living even when you feel like you're dying,

because you'd look forward to giving your life away.

Life goes on, even when it's dark outside,

even when every step is like walking on
Jupiter,

followed by an entourage of
ghosts.

Life goes on,
even
on
my own.

Just Run

Guess I have to start running again.

I don't know. I have no idea where I'm going, but I know exactly how to get there.

Just run.

Lonely Planet

I am currently reading "The Lonely Planet Guide to Experimental Travel," in which I read: "Serendipity is like looking for a needle ina haystack and finding the farmer's daughter." Hmm, true? Maybe the farmer's son for me, eh? Haha!

I have to recommend this book to anyone who wants to indulge that inner child inside. It suggests ways to travel that we may not have thought about before. Crazy crazy stuff. I'm just really tired right now and don't want to get into it too much.

But I thought about it, and I think that whoever that's ready this book right now that's single and awesome might be awesome because he ready this book. You see, I want someone who can run with me ... go places, do weird things with me. I am somewhat tired of being alone.

Who can run with me? Or do I have to run alone?

On the Third Night of a Chinese New Year

I probably should be in bed, asleep, right now since I have to go to work tomorrow morning, and it's probably gonna be a long day. But I feel compelled to write something to capture this feeling, knowing that gladness, thankfulness and fulfillment are such temporary emotions that can be easily evaporated.

Not that I didn't know doing something that I don't want to do or just anything at all eventually gives way to treasures that are quite unexpected; its just that I forget sometimes. I went to dinner somewhat grudgingly with some of my parents' friends. In short, I had a good experience. First of all, Annie, a childhood friend unexpectedly (!) came back to Hong Kong and will be staying until August. I am going to have a friend here!!! So is Edward, but of course, that's a different story, considering he's my boss' son. But one way or another, I have friends here now!

Later that night, one of my parents' friends talked to Annie and me about his adventures abroad. One of them is a business venture to Croatia that aims not only to profit from the business, but also to improve the livelihood of Eastern Europe as a region, a bloc. In short, he also offered me a position to his current business as an "editor" to his English material (he owns a publishing house). I am guessing that he is also keeping me in mind for his business venture. The cool thing is that he's so awesome to talk to because he knows so much about traveling! I love it! And he's so open-minded! I would love to have a guide like him -- at least for the time-being.

New friend, new part-time job, new reference -- it's like a whole beginning to a new life!

Happiness evaporates all too easily and quickly. I am going to indulge in being happy right now.