Lately

"What life can I live that will let me breath in and out and love somebody or something and not run off into the woods screaming?" ~ Barbara Kingsolver Animal Dreams

Seriously. What CAN I do to make it better?

Lately, I've been so close to "running screaming into the woods." My internship wasn't exciting after all. It was more stressful than anything. Though, I must say that it has pushed me to the extreme in terms of patience and multi-tasking and tolerance. I have never been pushed that bad, and I have never tasted the life of a doormat, a pleaser and a bitch (aka. indentured servant) ever in my life. That was quite the experience. Although I learned from it, I don't want to ever do it again if I can help it.

Apart from that, I've just been pretty much lost at what I wanna do with my life. Or, rather, I have a general idea of what to do to make me happy, but I don't know how to get there. I'm just wandering right now and it's making me anxious. I guess I wasn't prepared psychologically to handle the fact that pursuing a dream isn't an easy task. It's HARD. It takes a lot of sacrifices that will haunt you. And I wasn't prepared emotionally to handle myself. I am just an excessively emotional person, and I have got to get a handle on that.

Picking up the pieces isn't so easy to do, especially when I'm far away from those who can help me. But getting away is good, too. It makes you realize how much you need the people around you, and it reminds you that you DO have people who want to help you, care about you and love you. I've been blessed with family and friends that want to help me move out of a rut, to move past a past that has haunted me for a long long time ... if only I would let them.

But I'm also trying to help myself. I'm trying to stay open. I'm trying to let people in to help me. I'm actually asking for people to help me now, instead of keeping closed up, pretending that I'm fine. That, I have learned, only prolongs the hurt, and prevents the wound from healing properly.

Recently, I thought that I have lost someone I love, someone who means a lot to me, and who has gone through a lot with me. But I kind of realize now that if keep holding on, no matter what happens, we would never lose each other because we are already so much a part of each other.

I'm just waiting until everything falls into place. It's not easy. Waiting is a game that tests perseverance and patience, resilience and character.

I just have to exhale all the negative thoughts and inhale all he possibilities ... let go, and just let it be.