My Stupid Chinese Class

I just had to do the dumbest Chinese homework.

Well, actually, Chinese homework is pretty much stupid ... typical.

I don't think most of these exercises are very effective in teaching anything at all. It's all just busy work.

If we want to practice reading and writing, it'd be more effective to read some newspapers, discuss it in Chinese, then write something about some articles. Also translating articles from English to Chinese and vise versa would be good.

Instead of buying an expensive book that teaches things that even a 12-year-old would know how to do.

There is no structure in class -- only a syllabus that we don't follow, at most.
I am frick'n learning NOTHING in this class, and I'm sick of it.

I'm also sick of school. I want to just drop everything and volunteer or something. I'm young. I can do that. I can even learn something and be inspired -- ah ha!

Definitely something to consider.

Wives of Primates

After co-habiting with the male species for many years, I confess that I still do not understand men. Surely, I have learned their habits, I have even made generous contributions to their habitat and livelihood. However, a thorough understanding of men has yet to be achieved.

Some things that some of us girls wonder:

What makes men want to commit if evolutionarily they are simply agents to disseminate genetic material?

In other words, if they're evolutionarily the non-committing type (that means they have been this way down from their grand-daddy's grand-daddy's grand-daddy's grand-daddy's daddy), then why do we still trust them? And why don't they go after the Victoria's Secret model or that certain attractive actress on TV or just that gorgeous girl down the street, and instead, settle with us? I wonder if it's because they did and failed miserably, or we're just way more accessible?

What makes a woman believe that it makes sense to want to marry a man, expecting from him a lifetime's worth of commitment? It can't be that we want babies that bad, do we? (I guess I don't even understand women.)

Surely, I have a scientific/sociological/academic answer, but emotionally, I am not feeling it because the mechanics of anthropology pretty much negates the whim of Love. Modern findings of oxytocins (chemical that induces the feeling of 'love') and social stucture morphosis just don't cut it.

Rainy Sunday

We went to the NE Planned Parenthood to get me tested. I was scared, naturally, but somewhere in there, there was strength. I was actually more confused than anything else because everything is coming at me so fast.

To test positive, to have a disease like this is permanent. How did we get it so casually, so carelessly ... without a trace? Well, I don't know about Brian, but, for me, it's just such a shock to have it wander so non-challantly into my life and change everything around, especially when I never put myself at risk. Did he?

How could our lives have been changed without our consent? I know life just happens whether we like it or not, but sometimes, I'd like to think that there are things we can change to determine our fate. This ... well, I don't know. All that's for sure is our lives have been changed.

I'm going to miss a lot of things, now that I know I took them for granted. I'm going to miss making love to the man I love whenever, however and wherever I want. There is something valuable about having the freedom to be passionate and choose how we show our passion. I will miss how he feels inside me; I think there is something powerful and meaningful about letting someone inside my body. Unlike times before, I made the decision to receive him in my body, and I let him in because of love ... just that.

It was when I heard the news of difficult childbirthing for patients that I surprised myself with sadness. I never realized that being able to have kids is such a gift. Whenever the topic came up, I would just greet it with an "ewww!" Well, I guess I just didn't put enough thought into it. And I never thought that I wanted kids so bad, but I guess I do, because I want to have a boy and then a girl with the man I love. But it'll be hard for us to have babies from now on.

If I test positive, giving birth will be difficult. If I have an outbreak while giving (natural) childbirth, then the child will get very sick. That means I'll have to get 2 C-sections for the boy and (then) the girl that I want (and, I hope, he wants). Knowing my body, an incision like that will take me a long time to heal. ... And I'll have it twice.

If I test negative, then conceiving will be difficult. I risk contracting the disease while trying to conceiving. I understand that there are other ways to get fertilized artificially, but there is something about conceiving the "old fashioned way" that I like. I just think it's momentuous for two people to start another life in both a biological and spiritual sense, and I want to be able to do that on our terms (without lab technicians).

I would honestly say that I want to take my chances with the virus in order to conceive if I don't already have it. But I don't want to risk my kids' health.

Let's hope Arthur doesn't pass away anytime soon, because we want to have kids before Arthur dies. But it's such a long ways away because I know there's a lot left in Arthur, so we'll have time to think about our options.

Other than mourning for the loss of what was, however, I think I'm doing ok. I'm determined to go through my life with this guy, and that is enough to make me feel like the luckiest girl on earth. So what's a virus or two? I honestly have gone through worse.

This is nothing.

Matter at Hand

He tested positive.

I was so mad at him and the entire situation for the past several days, but suddenly, none of it really matters anymore. After all, this isn't only about me; it's also about the love of my life.

Life is a long journey. Sooner or later, anger will fade; so will other feelings and other memories. If you choose to remember, then you cultivate it. If you choose to forget, then you let it go. There are other things in the future for this long journey of mine that I have chosen to travel with this man of my dreams. In the long run, this is but a speck of dust. The disease will just become part of a routine in our lives when we explore other things -- better or worse -- together.

I've chosen to let it go.

As far as the disease goes, well, whether I get it or not, it doesn't matter anymore. I'll take it as it comes. After all, all that matters is how the two of us feel and not anyone else.

We'll be more than fine. We'll be great.

Because we have each other.

You Don't

I was (still am) so upset -- soooo upset -- at Brian. I wondered if he actually cared as much as he says he does. I thought that if he actually did, then he wouldn't neglect the check-up like he did. Sure, he might already have it even before he could have caught it, but, well, there's something to be said about being proactive and initiate the "investigation" (aka. testing) ourselves to find things out on our own instead of being passive and wait until someone else to leave a message about it (though, I must say I appreciate her courage and honesty -- she still cares about him). I find that making decisions about our lives and our health on our own terms valuable. I felt that, to a certain extent, he's betrayed my trust because I have entrusted my health to him, and I believed him when he told me he would take care of me. I care about him so much, that the first thing I did was to make sure I'm not a threat to him even when I have no reason to doubt. I expected my efforts to be matched, and well, it wasn't.

I was upset also because I am worried that this would make me a "damaged good". Remember? You've gone through that once before. Rape? Shane? Threats? Ring a bell? This reminded me not of the violence of that incident, but the helplessness of it. I just feel like I haven't done anything wrong, and I don't deserve any of it. But here I am, still, with the burden.

You just never know what happens.

For four months, things were PERFECT. It felt just right.

Four months later, came crisis. Cross-roads. Decision-making time. Pivitol point. Do you stick with someone who disappointed you in the trust department over something so important, so vital? Do you stay by the side of someone who has compromised your health -- your life? What do you do when you don't know how an event like this will change your life and your future together -- do you keep going and venture into the darkness of uncertainty or do you find another path on your own?

Every once in a while, you wonder if your significant other is the "right one for you". But maybe that's not the point. You never know if someone is "the right one" until you've given the situation enough effort and the person the chance to prove him/herself. I think things, to a certain extent, are not predetermined. You've got to give life the chance it deserves when it comes to you. Maybe this week has just been what they call "a trial" for love, and I hope we will make it through.

Paradise

I am not sure how I'm supposed to feel. It's not like there's a right or wrong answer, but I just don't know. I guess confused and depressed would be it. Maybe angry that my innocence is lost, gone with it is the little shred of grace I had. The fact of the matter is I love who I think I am to him, and I love who he is to me, and I don't want any of that to change ... not like this. Maybe I feel I've been wronged because I didn't do anything to deserve it all. Maybe I feel trapped, like there is no escape and no return. Maybe I pity myself because, after all, what bad things wouldn't happen to someone like me even when I've been careful? No, give me my happiness back! I don't want to feel like this, and I don't want this for us!

And I feel alone. No matter what, I am still stuck with my own feelings, my own life, my own everything ... on my own, no matter how much someone loves you. He can't protect me when his past comes to haunt us. I can only stay strong and hope that I am strong enough to shield him, too.

I even feel selfish for feeling the way I do because it affects him just as much as it affects me ... just differently. I feel guilty for being angry at him because he didn't hurt me intentionally. I am also disgusted at myself, like I have a mark that makes me less loveable. Well, nobody is really at fault, I guess. I can't reasonably direct my anger at anyone, and it frustrates me. All of this adds up.

It's harder at night. It always is ... with everything. There's something about depression, loneliness and the darkness that go hand-in-hand. The shadow in the night descends ... it's all so familiar. And so, I my dreams take me back to my darker days, when I was alone and sad and screaming out for help ... I hate being reminded of bad things. I cry at night when no one knows, so that I can have some release before the day breaks and I have to pretend that everything is ok. Pretense. I hate pretense. I can't pretend that everything is ok when it isn't.

But I stay here by his side. I give him care and support because I love him so much, and I want to give him everything I have.

... Please promise me everything will be ok, that love will never fade, that there is nothing to be afraid of and that you'll never go, because I love you so much ....

It just hurts.