You Don't

I was (still am) so upset -- soooo upset -- at Brian. I wondered if he actually cared as much as he says he does. I thought that if he actually did, then he wouldn't neglect the check-up like he did. Sure, he might already have it even before he could have caught it, but, well, there's something to be said about being proactive and initiate the "investigation" (aka. testing) ourselves to find things out on our own instead of being passive and wait until someone else to leave a message about it (though, I must say I appreciate her courage and honesty -- she still cares about him). I find that making decisions about our lives and our health on our own terms valuable. I felt that, to a certain extent, he's betrayed my trust because I have entrusted my health to him, and I believed him when he told me he would take care of me. I care about him so much, that the first thing I did was to make sure I'm not a threat to him even when I have no reason to doubt. I expected my efforts to be matched, and well, it wasn't.

I was upset also because I am worried that this would make me a "damaged good". Remember? You've gone through that once before. Rape? Shane? Threats? Ring a bell? This reminded me not of the violence of that incident, but the helplessness of it. I just feel like I haven't done anything wrong, and I don't deserve any of it. But here I am, still, with the burden.

You just never know what happens.

For four months, things were PERFECT. It felt just right.

Four months later, came crisis. Cross-roads. Decision-making time. Pivitol point. Do you stick with someone who disappointed you in the trust department over something so important, so vital? Do you stay by the side of someone who has compromised your health -- your life? What do you do when you don't know how an event like this will change your life and your future together -- do you keep going and venture into the darkness of uncertainty or do you find another path on your own?

Every once in a while, you wonder if your significant other is the "right one for you". But maybe that's not the point. You never know if someone is "the right one" until you've given the situation enough effort and the person the chance to prove him/herself. I think things, to a certain extent, are not predetermined. You've got to give life the chance it deserves when it comes to you. Maybe this week has just been what they call "a trial" for love, and I hope we will make it through.