Monday, November 13, 2006

Rainy Sunday

We went to the NE Planned Parenthood to get me tested. I was scared, naturally, but somewhere in there, there was strength. I was actually more confused than anything else because everything is coming at me so fast.

To test positive, to have a disease like this is permanent. How did we get it so casually, so carelessly ... without a trace? Well, I don't know about Brian, but, for me, it's just such a shock to have it wander so non-challantly into my life and change everything around, especially when I never put myself at risk. Did he?

How could our lives have been changed without our consent? I know life just happens whether we like it or not, but sometimes, I'd like to think that there are things we can change to determine our fate. This ... well, I don't know. All that's for sure is our lives have been changed.

I'm going to miss a lot of things, now that I know I took them for granted. I'm going to miss making love to the man I love whenever, however and wherever I want. There is something valuable about having the freedom to be passionate and choose how we show our passion. I will miss how he feels inside me; I think there is something powerful and meaningful about letting someone inside my body. Unlike times before, I made the decision to receive him in my body, and I let him in because of love ... just that.

It was when I heard the news of difficult childbirthing for patients that I surprised myself with sadness. I never realized that being able to have kids is such a gift. Whenever the topic came up, I would just greet it with an "ewww!" Well, I guess I just didn't put enough thought into it. And I never thought that I wanted kids so bad, but I guess I do, because I want to have a boy and then a girl with the man I love. But it'll be hard for us to have babies from now on.

If I test positive, giving birth will be difficult. If I have an outbreak while giving (natural) childbirth, then the child will get very sick. That means I'll have to get 2 C-sections for the boy and (then) the girl that I want (and, I hope, he wants). Knowing my body, an incision like that will take me a long time to heal. ... And I'll have it twice.

If I test negative, then conceiving will be difficult. I risk contracting the disease while trying to conceiving. I understand that there are other ways to get fertilized artificially, but there is something about conceiving the "old fashioned way" that I like. I just think it's momentuous for two people to start another life in both a biological and spiritual sense, and I want to be able to do that on our terms (without lab technicians).

I would honestly say that I want to take my chances with the virus in order to conceive if I don't already have it. But I don't want to risk my kids' health.

Let's hope Arthur doesn't pass away anytime soon, because we want to have kids before Arthur dies. But it's such a long ways away because I know there's a lot left in Arthur, so we'll have time to think about our options.

Other than mourning for the loss of what was, however, I think I'm doing ok. I'm determined to go through my life with this guy, and that is enough to make me feel like the luckiest girl on earth. So what's a virus or two? I honestly have gone through worse.

This is nothing.

0 comments :