I am on to discovering what has always been there.
I will see it from many different angles and forms and colors and shapes.
I will find out what I was born into and what I can become.
Then, I will decide what I will become.
"I know you know.
Please allow me to find out."
I am an owl, Nora said.
What is that?
I can control my surroundings.
I can control my fears.
I can transform.
I can be anything.
I can be everywhere.
1. Secure a desirable job
2. Drive and find a car that can make it to/in Bend
3. Find a place to live/roommate ... I'm rather specific about my living environment. Will I find someone who I can live with?
January 27, 2008
OP-ED COLUMNIST
THE AGE OF AMBITION
By NICHOLAS D. KRISTOF
DAVOS, Switzerland
With the American presidential campaign in full swing, the obvious way to change the world might seem to be through politics.
But growing numbers of young people are leaping into the fray and doing the job themselves. These are the social entrepreneurs, the 21st-century answer to the student protesters of the 1960s, and they are some of the most interesting people here at the World Economic Forum (not only because they're half the age of everyone else).
Andrew Klaber, a 26-year-old playing hooky from Harvard Business School to come here (don't tell his professors!), is an example of the social entrepreneur. He spent the summer after his sophomore year in college in Thailand and was aghast to see teenage girls being forced into prostitution after their parents had died of AIDS.
So he started Orphans Against AIDS (www.orphansagainstaids.org), which pays school-related expenses for hundreds of children who have been orphaned or otherwise affected by AIDS in poor countries. He and his friends volunteer their time and pay administrative costs out of their own pockets so that every penny goes to the children.
Mr. Klaber was able to expand the nonprofit organization in Africa through introductions made by Jennifer Staple, who was a year ahead of him when they were in college. When she was a sophomore, Ms. Staple founded an organization in her dorm room to collect old reading glasses in the United States and ship them to poor countries. That group, Unite for Sight, has ballooned, and last year it provided eye care to 200,000 people (www.uniteforsight.org).
In the '60s, perhaps the most remarkable Americans were the civil rights workers and antiwar protesters who started movements that transformed the country. In the 1980s, the most fascinating people were entrepreneurs like Steve Jobs and Bill Gates, who started companies and ended up revolutionizing the way we use technology.
Today the most remarkable young people are the social entrepreneurs, those who see a problem in society and roll up their sleeves to address it in new ways. Bill Drayton, the chief executive of an organization called Ashoka that supports social entrepreneurs, likes to say that such people neither hand out fish nor teach people to fish; their aim is to revolutionize the fishing industry. If that sounds insanely ambitious, it is. John Elkington and Pamela Hartigan title their new book on social entrepreneurs "The Power of Unreasonable People."
Universities are now offering classes in social entrepreneurship, and there are a growing number of role models. Wendy Kopp turned her thesis at Princeton into Teach for America and has had far more impact on schools than the average secretary of education.
One of the social entrepreneurs here is Soraya Salti, a 37-year-old Jordanian woman who is trying to transform the Arab world by teaching entrepreneurship in schools. Her organization, Injaz, is now training 100,000 Arab students each year to find a market niche, construct a business plan and then launch and nurture a business.
The program (www.injaz.org.jo) has spread to 12 Arab countries and is aiming to teach one million students a year. Ms. Salti argues that entrepreneurs can stimulate the economy, give young people a purpose and revitalize the Arab world. Girls in particular have flourished in the program, which has had excellent reviews and is getting support from the U.S. Agency for International Development. My hunch is that Ms. Salti will contribute more to stability and peace in the Middle East than any number of tanks in Iraq, U.N. resolutions or summit meetings.
"If you can capture the youth and change the way they think, then you can change the future," she said.
Another young person on a mission is Ariel Zylbersztejn, a 27-year-old Mexican who founded and runs a company called Cinepop, which projects movies onto inflatable screens and shows them free in public parks. Mr. Zylbersztejn realized that 90 percent of Mexicans can't afford to go to movies, so he started his own business model: He sells sponsorships to companies to advertise to the thousands of viewers who come to watch the free entertainment.
Mr. Zylbersztejn works with microcredit agencies and social welfare groups to engage the families that come to his movies and help them start businesses or try other strategies to overcome poverty. Cinepop is only three years old, but already 250,000 people a year watch movies on his screens — and his goal is to take the model to Brazil, India, China and other countries.
So as we follow the presidential campaign, let's not forget that the winner isn't the only one who will shape the world. Only one person can become president of the United States, but there's no limit to the number of social entrepreneurs who can make this planet a better place.
You are invited to comment on this column at Mr. Kristof's blog, www.nytimes.com/ontheground.
HALF HEARTED APOLOGY
Dean Fields
I heard about it in a truckstop in Bristol
(I called a friend that we both used to know)
Of how you met him and you soon would be married.
And you hoped I don't show.
I know you meant what you said.
I wish I meant what I did.
Anyway, I'm sorry. So sorry now.
At seventeen I had a truck and your trust in me.
I drove them both about as far as they'd go.
Looking back I can see how I hurt you
But just cause I could.
I wouldn't take back the years.
I've already cashed in your tears.
Anyway I'm sorry. So sorry now
I had a plan to get all dressed up,
All messed up, and tear you down.
Seven years holding tight to a memory
You were bleeding scars from a fist like a rose.
Looking back I can see how I hurt you
But just like I wanted to.
My sister says how she hears you say I stole what you hold dear.
But, wasn't it your idea?
Anyway I'm sorry. So sorry now.
I want to spend some time here in Bend.
I want to learn about myself, explore myself in my natural being -- who am I and why am I here?
I want to have a reasonably meaningful, yet decent paying job so that I can live comfortably, with no financial worries.
I want to learn about being "outdoorsy," to connect with other portions of myself that I don't know about.
I want to finish some unfinished business -- with UO and the GMAT/GRE.
I want a pet -- a dog, a cat ... maybe.
I want a good place to live, a decent environment where I can study, build my website, and do my writing meditation.
I want to be able to drive, and I want a Subaru Forrester, or something that I can drive in different terrains.
Kids.
Kids are great.
Until they talk back and start to tell you no and make unbelievable messes and play with their food and bug you for your attention and scream and yell when they don't get their way and ....
Ah, kids.
I hate to admit, but I feel lonely. Amidst love and hope, I feel the reverberation of loneliness. Not coldness, not emptiness, but the echo of your voice bouncing off unknown objects in your life. You have no idea how large is the space around you. You have no idea what is before you, behind you and everywhere else around you. You don't know why you're here and not there and not anywhere else.
In the darkness, you just don't know ....
In the box was all the memorabilia associated with him: the ring his parents gave me, the watch he received from his grandmother which he gave me, perfume .... I dropped it off -- no, I threw it down at his doorstep this morning.
You see, as I move on, I don’t want to hold on to sentimental things that no longer have sentimental value to me.
With pride, I walked away. I walked away with my head held high. I walked away with no regrets. I walked away, knowing that I will start another adventure in my life and succeed even without him.
I felt better, but I also felt that incision in my heart somewhere I have yet to identify. I knew that the minute the box landed on his porch with a dull thud, so did our relationship. Any prospect of being friends was lost -- left behind -- with that box.
Maybe that’s how "goodbye" to an old love sounds like -- a dull thud.
Brian,
In this box are the scrapbook I made you, various other Christmas presents I received from you, as well as the sapphire ring your parents gave me over that Christmas we spent together. I also included your towel, which you used to pack my belongings -- thank you. However, not included here are your grandmother's pearl earrings, which I left with you before I moved. I believe you still have them, so they are not included here.
The reason why I sent everything back is that I truly have no use for them. As I move on, I don't want to hang on to these sentimental things that no longer have sentimental value to me. So here they are, returned to you. Do with them as you wish. But if you are considering throwing them away, then I strongly recommend either selling them or donating them (at the bottom of the porcelain container for the ring is its original receipt, in case you are considering selling it or anything like that).
Good luck with your future endeavors.
Elaine
Now, here's an idea you should develop. It's ok. I won't ask for money if you become successful. Just name the damn thing after me. :)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
People seem to have a need to centralize things -- their bills, their to-do lists, their e-mails, phone#s, etc.. Brian set his web browser to open up 5 windows for MySpace, e-mail, banking, Netflicks, and Craigslist. Microsoft has Outlook to group together daily tasks lists, contacts, mail, etc..
There really should be a software that, when you open it, the following will pop up:
- an Outlook-esque calendar and e-mail device;
- a daily inspirational/amusing quote;
- the browsers that lead to the websites you need to visit daily, like your bank or MySpace, plus one that just randomly leads you to somewhere fun;
- Headline news of the day and news from your business industry;
- Weather report, your daily fortune, dinner recipe idea for tonight;
- all your instant messenger devices (you'll sign in as 'invisible');
- a "virtual sticky note" for your thoughts and different colors for different occasions as part of your wallpaper (reminders/quotes/spark of creativity to capture).
Yes, there are substitutes, but that would require a collection of papers, sticky notes, books, computers and various browswers together. People want these things ... all at the same time. Why can't we figure out a way to put them together is my question.
I am having slight anxiety.
I found myself seriously considering moving to Bend. No, in fact, I am planning on moving to Bend.
In fact, I am going to Bend next week to figure things out.
But tonight, a part of me is asking, "What the hell are you thinking? You want to move to the middle of nowhere?? Do you know how crazy that is??"
That part of me is freaking me out.
Departing from the city ... what effect will it have on me? What will happen?
Will I like it? Or will it be a huge mistake, and I will end up hating it?
I cannot believe that I am leaving all that I know to be real for something that I have no idea about, something completely new, something I have never ever tried before just on a leap of faith that it will be good for me.
Some might say, "Well, really, how is it any different from going to college? You left home to go to Eugene ... THAT'S pretty much in the middle of nowhere."
But I guess I felt better then because I wasn't alone.
Now, I'm on my own journey. But maybe I've always been going on my own journey, but never realized it. I realize it now though.
I need to have faith that my qualities will shine through. I need to have faith that my being fired will not hold me back ... as long as I am true.
"I didn't leave at my own will; I was actually let go at my last job. I was selected out of over 200 candidates, but unfortunately, my skills and competencies were not a match for my last position, and my supervisors and I spoke about parting ways. It also coincided with me wanting to move to a different environment for my own personal growth. However, I did learn from my last experience. Now I realize that, instead of a bureaucracy, I am looking for an organization that allows for creativity and ample room for communication, that rewards strong work ethics, congenial, structured and team-oriented, where my skills and talent can shine and make a substantial contribution. And it looks like the opportunity we're discussing here is the one I am looking for. So I am hoping that you could give me a chance."
You need to stop, Brian. Stop the e-mails, stop "delivering mail" to my house, stop sending me MySpace requests to be friends. We won't be friends.
I don't trust you anymore. I don't respect you like I once did. The bond between us has been broken half a year ago when you told me "It's over." (Perhaps it should have been broken even earlier, when you told me that Michele was the only reason why you'd go to Home Depot ... I should have known.)
You are your own person now -- void of me. Other than the past, we have nothing to do with each other. You claimed that you love me and always will, but I don't believe that. You never loved me like you should have. But the world is vast -- I am not going to lose sleep over what you couldn't be to me.
No, we won't be friends, Brian. Please leave.
He requested to be friends on MySpace.
I denied him.
Why? Is it the "N" or the "O" that he doesn't understand?
Probably both.
How could you hurts someone so bad and now request to be friends,
asking over and over again, as if there is indeed that much hope?
I saw his mom's Merry Christmas greetings on Dana's page.
She adored me once upon a time. And what happened?
Why was I forsaken?
What am I to do? A nerve-wrecking question, but I have more moments of mild excitement than I expect, which is, of course, nerve-wrecking in itself.
I am going to move. I have no ties here now. I am only the representation of a disappointment to my family, when I am so much more than that.
Nora is trying to help me get set up in life, maybe in Bend, too. I just might move to Bend. And Eddie thinks I should try out LA. Either way, I would gain another experience. But ... I'm partial to Bend for it's peace and quiet and for its opportunity for inner growth. LA would be another experience, but I don't think I'm ready for that right now. Well, we'll see. I'll be visiting in mid-February: flying down to LA, then driving up back to Portland, hitting SF, Stanford, Santa Cruz, Grants Pass, Eugene, and finally Portland around 18th or 19th. So all of a sudden, I have two trips set up in a matter of one morning.
Also this morning, I just bought a snowboard for $225 with matching Lamar bindings. I have a mountain trip next week sometime and one possibly on the 27th.
Now let's hope I don't run myself broke too soon. Haha!!
You don't know how much it hurts inside to tell you "no," to tell you "I don't know if we will ever be friends," to tell you "I have no use for the scrapbook anymore." It hurts to turn you away and close the door on you.
I want to write. I want to write my heart out, like, "Here. Here’s my heart. See it? Look at it. Do you see what kind of a heart I have? See what blood I bleed? I am human. I am me and only me. And this is my heart."
I want to communicate not just with others, but with myself. I want to find my inner self. I want to call for her to surface, to be here, to be with me.
I want my words to create pictures, like paintings, like not only seeing Mona Lisa smile, but also other things like making raspberries, yawn and even cry ... only in the 3D IMAX of your mind;
to invoke feelings, like music, in the form of a thread of silk, entering from your ears to your mind soothingly but poignantly.
I want to write and know that no "greater hierarchy" is here to give me a grade anymore. I am what I write, and no one can tell me no. I want to write until I believe in myself and beyond.
See? That’s my power, like waves crashing behind me at my command, like sunshine beating its warmth on earth, like wind that takes you away, like wild mustangs that rock the earth when they gather and run ... all to forever change you ... within my power.
"Life is calling. How far will you go?"
Peace Corps.
It wanders into my mind again. My consciousness and it have been acquainted with each other before, years ago, sophomore year in college.
The hunger to give, to serve, to relate, to give light, to free the spirit within that struggles to be pacified, impossible to fulfill within my current existence.
I can. I can. I can.
Yes, how far will I go to be an Untouchable, to be the person that I am?
Life is calling. I hear it.
I am hoping, wishing and praying to dear God, if God is out there somewhere determining my fate, that something good will happen soon.
A new job,
New adventures,
Fulfillment,
New enlightenment,
Good health,
Good people,
New perspectives,
Letting go,
Closer and stronger bonds,
Travel opportunities,
New sport ...
A brand new chapter in my life that leads closer to happiness.
Please.
Sad. 'I love you' just wanted to burst out from my mouth. But I couldn't. Anger and hatred are my only defense againt the tidal wave of acceptance that would sweep me away like a sand castle ... in ruins.
Interestingly enough, now that I sit here on the bus, going to work, I realize that I am happy hearing from him. It makes me hate him a little less, which means that I am dispensing my energy less. To tell the truth, I've missed him, too. Only a little bit. So little thatI almost didn't recognize, and it was definitely easier not to recognize. I just want to tell him what happened to me -- this burden was meant for me to carry alone. He needs to take responsibility as well. I wonder if he would. I wonder what it is that he is after. I grow weary at the prospect of friendship. This will never be an equal alliance. Let's wait and see.
"I feel hopeful today. I don't know where it came from. I feel lighter with hope. I feel brighter with the prospect of working towards being an Untouchable, like we had talked about before. I know what I am here for, Nor. I know what I am good for. And that is so very important. Let me never to forget what light I found for myself tonight, so that on the days that are dark, I can find my way back."
Marble Glory
I have so much to do.
I am busy.
And that gives me hope.
These are all constructive things, you see,
all that I want to do for myself
and not just for the sake of doing something,
to be busy.
I have an idea of
how to chisel a raw piece of marble
that is me
to make something glorious out of it.
And I have an idea of
what that glorious something might look like.
After months of putting my profile public, I have decided to once again make it private again.
I'm done proving to the world that I have a life and that I am doing just fine. They may assume that I'm not going anywhere in life, but I know I am.
And, really, does it matter that they are wrong when I am right?
(Of course, I also don't need my ex and his roommate to know what I'm up to.)
Even though I don't have everything that I want, many things still worry me and frustrate me, and I still have a long way to go towards where I want to be in life, I can actually say that I feel fulfilled.
I can take comfort in knowing that I am going somewhere, that I am going in the right direction, albeit a slow process. I know in my heart that it will all be worth it soon enough. I just need to wait and see.
I can also take comfort in knowing that the people around me are there for real; they are REAL people. I am inspired at least on most days. I gain strength from those around me towards many more inspiring things everyday.
I know that I have been broken many times before, but my imperfections are what give me character. I am strongest where it's been broken.
So try to break me; see if you can. It will only make me stronger.
I lost about a size and a half about 6 months ago.
Looks like, even though I've been eating extremely well and am more active, I only gained back about half to one size.
Though I look good, looks like my body has not recovered that body weight even after 6 months.
There's no better weight loss program than serious injury, serious illness or serious heartbreak.
Hey, guaranteed. Works better than them diet pills. Trust me.
Literally, go knock yourself out.
Ha.
He wrote me again, this time, something a little more interesting.
date Jan 12, 2008 12:07 PM
i wish we could be friends. i'm not pushing anything, i'm only saying how i feel. i was a total asshole, but i didn't properly know how to say how i was feeling at the time. believe it or not, with all the time we spent together, i only remember all the good stuff, when i think about us. you are an amazing person and i love you. i probably always will. you are entitled to your feelings, and you would be the first to let me know, but consider the year we spent together and consider why that cant be a friendship. i truly do miss you and would not hesitate to catch up and hang out again. if this is totally out of line, i apologize. all i can do is let you know how i feel.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, Brian, it's all very nice, but, you know, once you forfeit your right to fight for something or someone, you can never get it back.
...
You know, I thought that an apology is what I needed to move on. But now that I got "an apology" (regardless of whether he really truly knows what he's apologizing for --he didn't even really say "I'm sorry"), I realize that, even though it's what I deserve, it's not what I need. I already have what I need to move along. I already AM moving along.
I'm much too strong for him.
Dude, how many times do I have to say to an ex to just send my mail over to my current residence instead of actually delivering it?
I know, I shouldn't have mail sent there anymore, but my old employer decided to send me my W-2, which is quite good of them, but to Brian's house. So not much I could have done there.
But still!
Walking 15 yards from his front door to the mailbox, I am certain, is a hella lot less work ... coz USPS would have GLADLY done the work for him.
I was his convenience ...
... because I "don't play games."
It's almost as if he took advantage of my integrity.
You know, the act of oppression is so much easier than that of empowerment. Once you've been oppressed (and suppressed), no matter how much you hate it, it will always be with you, like an imprint on the dough that is your heart/mind. But once that dough is set and baked and taken shape, how will one take away the imprint?
Those that have been oppressed will not recover so quickly and easily.
Free minds come from treating children with dignity. Give them positivity, show them strength. Do not buy into the whole "rocks need to be polished to become diamonds" shit. There will be plenty of opportunities later in life to experience the difficulties that "make character."
Not that I didn't have an idea of it, but tonight, I realized -- wow! -- what a self-worth issue I have!
I was greeted with an e-mailed from my friend, Ken, today, titled "Internship." What it is is an "internship competition" offered by STA Travel, a large travel agency/organization that works only with college students to offer them travel services, discounts, group tours, even travel loans. And the competition is for a 3-month stint to travel to 14 countries basically as a travel journalist, who writes blogs, video journals, and podcasts the experience ... all expenses paid.
Upon seeing what an opportunity it is, and the fact that my energy as a person could offer a lot to this project, I was at first excited. My enthusiasm was curbed when I saw what competition I was realistically put up against: last year, they had more than 700 applicants. The application is not in paper-format, but in video-format. On the website, they posted last year's winner's video, which I enjoyed, but with certain discomfort.
I heard my thoughts: "Wow! She is so cool! Look at her go and listen to her talk. She makes so much sense, no stutters, poised, composed, confident, funny ... the combination that is hard for me to achieve. Oh, and the video was made when she was studying abroad in SCOTLAND. And where am I? Stuck in PDX, OR. Why would anyone even want to watch me?"
Somewhere during this thought process, I thought to myself on the side, "Wow. I'm fucked up. I KNOW I am and can be so much more. Where did all of this come from? For all it's worth, I AM all those things that I think she is (as listed above). But why don't I feel that way?"
Why, despite knowing how great I am and can be, do I not feel what I know? Well, perhaps I have an idea or two, but the question is rhetorical. Can I FEEL what I KNOW despite how I was brought up and how I have been treated throughout my life?
As a matter of fact, I feel and think I'm weak. Well, more so I THINK I'm weaker than I actually am, but my incredible thinking power that imagines how weak I am is making me feel weak, and my powerful mind does not really know how to imagine the opposite. It does not know WHAT to imagine: I know what Elaine is like when she's weak, but what would Elaine be like when she feels STRONG and CONFIDENT and AMAZING and all sorts of stuff? She's never felt all of this before. She's only known and heard of all these things. I just realized that I have no picture in my mind to even properly guide my imagination.
Maybe this is why I have been trying to give myself some definition by means of climbing and snowboarding and doing things that not only make me feel good, but to give me an idea of how I ACTUALLY am and how I CAN be ... models that I realize I've never had.
Maybe this is all the better reason for me to move to Bend, not really to find myself, as I am already HERE, but to explore who I already am and decide for myself what I want to change and refine.
Last night, I had a dream where I screamed at Brian, asking him why he was leaving me. The dream broke to the scene where I saw myself at a strange sterile-looking electronic store with row after row of white boxy counters that came up to my hips that had electronic items placed on top. Now to think of it, in the dream I must have been about 4 inches taller than I am in real life, and the counters must have been oddly short. I was convinced that he was hiding behind the impossibly short counters (perhaps a sign of me assuming that he is desperately hiding), so I went on a rampage, crushing any electronic product I came across with a downward thrust of my right elbow. The result was gadgets with crater imprints of my elbow's wrath. I guess I have a powerful elbow.
But after crushing nearly everything, I realized that he just wasn't there. He'd left long ago. Suddenly, a strange sense of sadness and a despairing frustration came over me:
I realized that no matter what, I'll never find out.
That was when I woke up, heavy, knowing that he will never come to me with an apology and explanation of why he treated me so badly at the end.
There's a meditation retreat in Ashland in mid-April that my friend, John, invited me to go with. I wonder if maybe I should give it a shot. It might actually help me ... if not, at least give perspective to my life experiment.
Hmm.
I am a scary animal, for I love and love and love despite all fears.
I am a scary animal, for I seek new beginnings one after another through all despair.
I am a scary animal, for I see with my heart and mind as one regardless of their differences.
Today, I had the urge to move to Bend, Oregon. I had the urge to "hide outdoors to heal." Well, not really to hide, but more like to gain strength from my surroundings and learn to direct that natural strength to my core. To be physically, mentally and emotionally strong, to shine, to face my fears, to be an Untouchable.
But the urge subsided when I realized I can't find a job that pays 14 dollars with benefits.
What a pisser.
This is my board. It's a Lamar Merlot One Series ... lowest of all the 2007-08 lines. Hey, but it's awesome. But, unlike Johnny (my longboard, in case you didn't get the memo), I haven't name her yet. Yes, it's a girl.
These are my Morrow Lotus bindings and boots. Kinda gaudy, but they should be OK ... at least the price is right: under 100 bucks each.
These are my climbing shoes ... my pukey orange wonders.
I am pretty excited, people. Breaking free ... again, like waking from a deep sleep.
Pulling down rocks!!!
Conquering the fear of falls -- not heights -- in all areas of my life!
Flying down mountains!!!
No longer afraid of speed, of being afraid to let go.
To believe that I CAN! I can be who I want to be now. I can do what I want to do now.
Trust myself. Trust yourself. Trust trust trust ... believe believe believe, and I shall be alive.
Let go. And fall. You can't hurt much more.
Spread your wings. And soar. You can't stay here and wait for another tomorrow.
To fear: "You shall pass no more!
No more, no more,
My Life is mine forevermore!"
I always find myself trying to define myself with words or actions, be it books I read, or outdoor activities that I do, or clothing preference. But I have noticed that I haven't yet try to define myself with how I FEEL. I've always allowed room for my feelings to wander. One minute, I can feel one way; the next, I can be rather different ... depending on what perspective my mind happens to bump into (usually doubt).
But it will be different now. It will all be different. How I feel about my life and my Self will be different.
i love you so much. you are going to do the best and be the best at anything that you put your efforts towards. find what's important to you and hold on, because there is the possibility of it taking you to places you never imagined. You are going places, even though you may be staying physically stationary.
oh and for the high height thing, just think your feet are about 5 feet below your head so you're actually only about 5-7 feet off the ground. you'll get it. when we come up next time (i don't know when that will be) we will go climbing together and i will be there to help you get your grove back, if you hadn't already on your own. Sometimes we have to do things by ourselves so that we can be vulnerable and achieve that goal at hand, to figure out the solution without any beta (help, climber term for help). That's why i like climbing so much. it forces me to pull my head out of my butt and see the light at the end of the tunnel for other issues to deal with that i've been avoiding.
You are entering that 'Brave New World!' but you know that fall down the rabbit hole can be a long one sometimes. just be patient. Good things take a long time to get. And those things that take the time, are the ones that last forever.
i love you.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Brave New World!
Date: Jan 5, 2008 9:42 PM
I went climbing again today. I'm not very warmed up to it yet ... I caught myself panicking when I realized how high I was. I was never terribly afraid of heights when we climbed back then, but I am now. I think it is a reflection of a fall I have somewhere else in my life. But the whole time, I was thinking about you and missed you really bad. I miss how you would encourage me to go up and on ... and I don't know exactly why I'm crying right now.
The "if they can do it, I can do it" spirit from the giant collage poster you gave me is still there ... I think I just need some time. After all, it's not easy to have been down for so long .... I am going to conquer all of this. And I know you're there right behind me. :)
I love you, Nor!! :)
My present still reverberates with the echoes of the past. Haunting spiderwebs of recollections continue to keep me entangled in a state of disarray.
Today, they gave me the wrong lunch order. But I am glad because, by some cosmic mistake (or human error), I got to try something new.
So what i thought was a low-stress job environment that can enable me to pick up the pieces turned out to be quite the opposite. Everyday, I go through crippling stress from, not he workload neccessairly, but the work culture and overall work operations. I thought that with such a miscellaneous job, I would be able to recuperate, figure out my life, essentially, regain a sense of self-confidence and self-love. But it has not been so. Now with the new year, I am immediately faced with the challenge of finding my way. My path continues to be laidened with obstruction ....
Posts
All Comments
