Worth It All

Not that I didn't have an idea of it, but tonight, I realized -- wow! -- what a self-worth issue I have!

I was greeted with an e-mailed from my friend, Ken, today, titled "Internship." What it is is an "internship competition" offered by STA Travel, a large travel agency/organization that works only with college students to offer them travel services, discounts, group tours, even travel loans. And the competition is for a 3-month stint to travel to 14 countries basically as a travel journalist, who writes blogs, video journals, and podcasts the experience ... all expenses paid.

Upon seeing what an opportunity it is, and the fact that my energy as a person could offer a lot to this project, I was at first excited. My enthusiasm was curbed when I saw what competition I was realistically put up against: last year, they had more than 700 applicants. The application is not in paper-format, but in video-format. On the website, they posted last year's winner's video, which I enjoyed, but with certain discomfort.

I heard my thoughts: "Wow! She is so cool! Look at her go and listen to her talk. She makes so much sense, no stutters, poised, composed, confident, funny ... the combination that is hard for me to achieve. Oh, and the video was made when she was studying abroad in SCOTLAND. And where am I? Stuck in PDX, OR. Why would anyone even want to watch me?"

Somewhere during this thought process, I thought to myself on the side, "Wow. I'm fucked up. I KNOW I am and can be so much more. Where did all of this come from? For all it's worth, I AM all those things that I think she is (as listed above). But why don't I feel that way?"

Why, despite knowing how great I am and can be, do I not feel what I know? Well, perhaps I have an idea or two, but the question is rhetorical. Can I FEEL what I KNOW despite how I was brought up and how I have been treated throughout my life?

As a matter of fact, I feel and think I'm weak. Well, more so I THINK I'm weaker than I actually am, but my incredible thinking power that imagines how weak I am is making me feel weak, and my powerful mind does not really know how to imagine the opposite. It does not know WHAT to imagine: I know what Elaine is like when she's weak, but what would Elaine be like when she feels STRONG and CONFIDENT and AMAZING and all sorts of stuff? She's never felt all of this before. She's only known and heard of all these things. I just realized that I have no picture in my mind to even properly guide my imagination.

Maybe this is why I have been trying to give myself some definition by means of climbing and snowboarding and doing things that not only make me feel good, but to give me an idea of how I ACTUALLY am and how I CAN be ... models that I realize I've never had.

Maybe this is all the better reason for me to move to Bend, not really to find myself, as I am already HERE, but to explore who I already am and decide for myself what I want to change and refine.