As of now

I spilled beer into the couch tonight. I felt really bad. New couches; new beer smell. Why did I mess up again?

I could tell it wasn't ok with Brian. Someone who was actually not too bothered by the fact would have said, "Oh, it's ok. Don't worry about it," especially after I offered to wash the couch cushion covers by hand. But the reaction I got was,

"No, just sit down."

Mind you. I'm not a dog the last time I checked. I just offered to was the cushion covers by hand.

"No, just sit. It's over." It's over? What's over? Why is it over? Who gets to decide it's over? Why him?

Yeah, I understand that he just wants to relax. I want to relax, too, and I wanted it to be a great night. But I just spilled beer into a couch, and I was and still am kicking myself for being such an idiot, knowing that the house and his things matter to him. I had to do something to make it better -- I offered to wash the couch cushion covers by hand.

But the reply I got was just to sit and that the discussion, as he said, was over.

Why does the discussion have to be over when he says so? Why do I have to sit because he says so? Why do all of these remarks seem so much like commands? Why do they seem so self-absorbed to me? How can I be gentle with someone when I don't feel being on equal plains?

Not ok, and very upset.

I yelled. I really was just trying to argue for what's fair, and just for him to decide the "discussion was over" really wasn't fair. But I think I came off as being a drunk ass bitch exaggerating a problem that's nothing.

It's 2:25am, and I'm still downstairs while he's upstairs ... sound asleep.

If it really matters to him, why wouldn't he try to talk to me? No, don't even have to try to talk; just come and invite me upstairs would be nice. Or even just to see what I'm doing downstairs, even just to see how pissed off I am.

But no. Sound asleep. I feel so bad, I almost think that I owe him to swallow my anger or question how I feel and wonder if I'm just hallucinating just because he let me stay at his house for free, just because he tells me he cares and would do anything for me.

Right. Anything but to think about how I feel. I feel awful for spilling beer into the new couch. I feel like such a burden to have to be moved out into his house. I feel stupid for not being able to help my own self. I feel like a total disaster of a daughter, sister, cousin, lover and friend. I feel like I'm not a 100% as a student. I feel bad for not being able to help him out when he's stressed out with a million things to do. I feel completely alone when I face my exhausting family issues because he has no idea how I feel and would not give me even a couple minutes of his day to just sit and hold me because he's "way too busy" -- and asking for it just makes me feel clingy and needy. I feel completely fat, nasty, weak, uncoordinated, small, feeble-minded, worthless and utterly and disgustingly ugly. I feel absolutely dispensible and easy to be overlook because I'm here everyday and have guaranteed that I will always be here. I feel that all I offer is a sense of comfort and am only good for chores ... only mediocre, at best. I feel like I am a complete failure for being where I am in life -- instead of being on track with a career and making money, I'm still sitting on my ass, going to school to "get smart" and incur giant sums of debt that will never go away. I am scared. I feel like I stick out no matter where I am -- how does it feel to be comfortable? I don't feel like I belong in this house and am having a rather lengthy transition to make this place my home despite my efforts: No, the house isn't mine. The room isn't mine. The food isn't mine (that's why I'd rather ask before eating anything). The Christmas tree wasn't mine. The stockings aren't mine, and certainly not the cat. (In fact, I find it difficult to find anywhere my home.) What do I have?

Sometimes I just wonder what a difference I make to anyone.

Life as of right now ... sucks.

To Me, His Hands

I have decided hands can
tell the story of people,
their experiences,
their work, their lives.

I have never seen hands like his.
Never.
The hands of a man that I'm familiar with
are pale and clean and uncalloused.
A little like mine.

His hands,
big, strong, with courage,
are those of a workman,
of someone who earns his livelihood,
of someone, with strength,
who holds on to the faith that
he can create his own destiny,
of someone who is curious and
passionate about exploring the form
of the world that surrounds him.

He shows me life
when he points,
gestures,
touches,
types,
makes,
cooks,
holds,
squeezes,
protects,
strums,
writes (though rarely),
waves ....

The rough edges, cuts and burns,
dirt that has permanently occupied space under his nails,
impenetrably thick, calloused, dark skin, ...
everything that does not belong to me,
everything that is imperfect,
gives me everything.

[Brian, to me, you are perfect.]

Unconditional Love

This is my take on blog about "Unconditional Love" on Women's Work. I don't know what possessed me to write something so sweet. hahaha!

[Brian, this is for you.]
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Unconditional love" is just that ... unconditional. It's not a responsibility. There is no agenda. It is not valued by units.

It is a commitment -- a commitment so firm that you have no reservations even though you see the risks and the rugged road ahead, so clear that you will see life in its truest form. Yes, unconditional love is illogical, unrealistic, simple-minded and, in some people's vocabulary, stupid because it makes you feel that no matter the odds and the consequences, you will still prevail. It also makes you brave and courageous and do the unimaginable. It makes you ... believe.

I think if you are "stupid" enough, things might just work because you aren't "smart" enough to ...
- second guess yourself,
- second guess each other's love,
- assess the odds and conditions and interests,
- calculate the returns of investment,
- account monetary units of generosity,
- make prediction of - oh, who knows! -- fate will eventually tear you apart, so you should now prepare for crash landing.

Unconditional love is none of that. It's not from the brain; it is from the heart, which is why it's so hard to explain. It's not words, not numbers, not graphs, not visuals, not tastes or smells or any of that ... or maybe it's all of those things and more, that's why it's so hard to understand (especially if one closes off the possibility of unconditional love's existence).

Sometimes, I would like to think of it as Christmas lights. It's as if you are holding the plug for your string of lights, and you are trying out electric outlets for the right "click", for it all to work. Some outlets are such the wrong ones that they'll shock you -- OUCH!

At this point, you can either choose to give it up all together for fear that you will get shocked again, or you can keep going in hopes that you will see the beauty of that string of lights you got. If you give up, that's ok. Just walk away. Don't go pouring water on other people's outlets though. You just gotta accept that it's your decision.

If you keep going, however, just know that you might get shocked again and again ... and again. A couple of things before you charge on: Yes, in case you didn't know, you are on a "Mission: Almost Impossible ... but It's Worth It in the End". And each time you get shocked, it makes you crazier/more interesting and wiser.

When finally you find that outlet you've been looking for, you might feel like your cells have just been lit up like strings of Christmas lights, and everything just ... clicks. You will look at your transformed self and marvel, "All those times I've been shocked and almost electricuted are totally worth it."

Child Like Me

I must have ruined my life.

I must have ruined my life by being in love. I mean, LOOK! Why couldn't I have waited until AFTER school to be in a relationship? I have a choice, right?

And why do I have to be in debt? Why couldn't I have somehow paid my rent some other way ... like with the student loans that haven't come yet and not on the credit card, so that my parents wouldn't have to help me? Why couldn't I have talked to them earlier about needing some help to start being independent because asking my parents for help is easy and dignified, right? And why can't I just finish my BA? Now I'm in a grad program, and I will for sure have no success. I might even flunk out of it because I'm obviously incompetent.

Now I just have fucked up my life for good.

Look at everyone else -- so and so's daughter, cousin so and so -- they are all on their way to success -- at least that's what my dad told me. Why do I have to ruin my life and be defiant and wild and so non-compliant and do whatever I want without thinking about the consequences ... like foregoing my reputation by moving in with what's-his-face-that-friend-of-yours?

At least that's what my dad said.

Reputation. Even if I don't care about it, my father is certain that someday I will. But who is to judge me? Distant relatives? Friends of my parents? Who? Whose rude judgement will I care about? My grandmother? My uncles and aunts? Sure, I care about what they think! But they've lived their lives and have made their own decisions for better or for worse. Now it's my turn to live mine, right? So what do they have to complain about and be judgemental about?

Maybe the one who truly cares about "reputation" isn't me afterall.

Others your age are going places; now look at you!

[Where have I heard that before? Oh, I know. All my life.]

Others have such children, and I have a child like you. I am disappointed, he remarked.

Yes, a child like me.

Random

You know, there's a lot in my life that isn't going so well. And maybe what I think is "a lot" really isn't that much. But it still sucks.

Yet again, all of a sudden, I think everything will be ok. I will eventually be able to contribute, make a difference and be the person that I really want to be if I really believe in it despite what others say.

It just sucks having critical parents.

That's all.

2006 in review ... Thanks, Karen

1) DRINKING BUDDY OF THE YEAR?
Definitely my roommates -- Brian, Mark and Jeremy, too, even though he's not around most the time.

2) LIFETIME SERVICE AWARD - LONGEST FRIEND(s)?

In no particular order, I want the following friends to have this award:
Nora, Annie, Emily, Valerie, G, Steffani and Mary.
Thank you so much for being with me all the way.

3) NEWCOMER AWARD - NEWEST FRIEND?
Brian is relatively new, to be honest. Never thought we'd bond, but we did. Through the 10 years we've known each other, we have become better and stronger people through our life-changing experiences. And because of these transformations, we are more prepared to be together than ever.

Along with Brian, Karen is also new. But she, too, has a special place in my heart. I am so glad to have a seasoned and strong woman to look up to.

4) HIGH POINT OF THE YEAR?
There were about 2 months of peace between returning from Hong Kong and starting school. Those were about the most peaceful time in my life EVER. I realized so so so much about myself. They say you don't learn during happy times; you learn during sad times. I would agree that you learn during sad times, but I made a point to learn during my high point, too, and I did learn. It really depends on what you want out of you life, I've found.

I also must say that the start of my relationship with Brian was MONUMENTAL. I met the man of my dreams who will be there for me no matter what. He makes me feel like the luckiest girl on earth.

5) LOW POINT OF THE YEAR?
I was pretty miserable in Hong Kong, but it made me realize how much I have and where my home is.

I also must say that being in debt really sucks ... like right now. It always weighs on my mind.

Oh, and I still haven't reconciled with my parents. Still.

6) BEST HOLIDAY?
Chinese New Year in February was pretty cool. I liked watching the culture.

Fourth of July 2006 was the best ever. Wakeboarding and spending it with friends that I hadn't seen in a long time, Mark, Brian, Julia ... and it marked the beginning of my relationship with Brian. (Ever imagine coming home from abroad, meet someone you met in 8th grade, went to school together, grew up in the same environment together, and realize that, after all of our changes and experiences, he's the ONE? For all these years, he's just been there, when you think that Mr. Right is far far away ... probably doesn't exist?)

7) ANTHEM FOR 2006?
My Way ~ Frank Sinatra
It just tells everything. Look it up.

8) ANY REGRETS?
Still not on the same page with my family. Our values are different, lifestyles are different, views are different ... the only commonground is that we're family. But how do we manage these differences? How do we even begin to talk about it when talking is to risk being hurt? That's to be continued ....

9) BEST NIGHT OUT?
Oh, so many.

There were many nights in Hong Kong when I was out with the foreign students I met from all over the world. That was such a cultural experience!
Also my many nights at The Circuit!
Camping with MIM, my program.
Fourth of July night.
Brian's birthday/housewarming party.
Brian's Day After Friday the 13th party.
... the year's not over yet. Hopefully more to come.

10) WORST NIGHT OUT?
I really can't think of one right now ....

11) WHO DID YOU SPEND VALENTINES WITH?
Alone ... naturally. That was before Brian's time during my 2-year solitude.

12) BEST RELATIONSHIP?
With my friends and Brian. My friends. Oh my gosh. Where would I be without them? Without their support, advice and presence, I wouldn't even get past my family and start to be my own person. Brian. I know there have been rough spots, but nothing not manageable. We are such opposites, but we compliment each other. He is exactly what I am not.

13) WORST RELATIONSHIP?
Parents. I am still working on it.

14) FIRST GIG OF THE YEAR?
Does karaoke count? haha!

15) LAST GIG OF THE YEAR?
Uh, apparently I was singing at Brian's housewarming party. I was drunk.

16) BEST DECISION MADE THIS YEAR?
Three of them:
1. to be in school
2. to fall in love with Brian
3. to keep my friends close

17) WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR NEXT YEAR?
1. To get my finances straightened out
2. To graduate
3. To be on better terms with my parents
4. To have a job offer by the end of next year
5. To understand my strengths and weaknesses better

18) MOST STUPID IDEA WHEN DRUNK?
To be drunk on the vino to begin with, and knowing that I had school and a test at 9am the next morning. That was at Brian's housewarming party. I had class on a Saturday morning. Yeah.

19)DOUCHE OF THE YEAR?
Definitely Tommy B. from my grad program. He's a pervert and a potential sex predator.

20) MOST LOYAL FRIEND?
I'm lucky enough to have many of them. See the aforementioned bunch. I would also add Brian.

21) BIGGEST CHANGE OF THE YEAR?
Learning to be my own person
Learning to be in a relationship after 2 years of solitude
Learning to be a grad student

Dark Slumber

I had a bad dream last night.

I was playing with a balloon that went away up in the air. It was bright and pastel as I looked up to try to grab the balloon, I noticed Brian holding hands with someone with waist-length, shiny black hair. They were talking, laughing ...

I smiled. It was me, I thought.

But then I realized that wasn't possible because I was right where I was, trying to get the balloon that I was losing, and there she was, with hair like mine, holding the hand that belongs to the one I love,

but ... not me.

I tried to run up, but for some reason, I couldn't. My body didn't allow me. I could only watch them walk away, walk away happily, hands held tight.

There, I stood, in disbelief, alone, stabbed in the heart.

I woke up, and the dream just felt exceptionally light. Not the kind that would drag you down with thick and dark smug of monsters, but crisp and light and fair like late spring. So peaceful. So unexpected but natural. So heartbreaking. That's what scared me.

Slumber

I had a bad dream last night.

I was playing with a balloon that went away up in the air. It was bright and pastel as I looked up to try to grab the balloon, I noticed Brian holding hands with someone with waist-length, shiny black hair. They were talking, laughing ...

I smiled. It was me, I thought.

But then I realized that wasn't possible because I was right where I was, trying to get the balloon that I was losing, and there she was, with hair like mine, holding the hand that belongs to the one I love,

but ... not me.

I tried to run up, but for some reason, I couldn't. My body didn't allow me. I could only watch them walk away, walk away happily, hands held tight.

There, I stood, in disbelief, alone, stabbed in the heart.

I woke up, and the dream just felt exceptionally light. Not the kind that would drag you down with thick and dark smug of monsters, but crisp and light and fair like late spring. So peaceful. So unexpected but natural. So heartbreaking. That's what scared me.

Mildly Unamusing

I feel totally ugly right now.

That, and tired, unaccomplished, unintelligent, lost, dubious, frustrated, alone, etc..

I'm going to bed.

Not My Strongest Suit

If I lost sight of what I want and fell into a routine, would you still love me?

If I am unhappy, would you still love me?

If I had gotten a mental illness, would you still love me?

If all my hair and teeth fell off, would you still love me?

If I lost my health and became a burden, would you still love me?

If I lost my memory and intelligence, would you still love me?

If my face is badly burnt and barely reconizable, would you still love me?

If I lied, would you still love me?

If I hurt you, would you still love me?

If I hurt myself, would you still love me?

There are those that I would love no matter what. But on a day riddled with pessimism, I begin to wonder certain things about my life. The feeling of "nothing is so good it lasts eternally" looms and blows up into unproportionate size in a "cartoon-noir" sort of way. The idea of "Life is a transaction. If we lose our assets, we automatically become dispensible," begins to make more "sense", whatever that means. It's as if I saw the world through a crystal ball, and I see more clearly than ever what the secret truth is.

Trust has never been a forte of mine.

Not My Strongest Suit

If I lost sight of what I want and fell into a routine, would you still love me?

If I am unhappy, would you still love me?

If I had gotten a mental illness, would you still love me?

If all my hair and teeth fell off, would you still love me?

If I lost my health and became a burden, would you still love me?

If I lost my memory and intelligence, would you still love me?

If my face is badly burnt and barely reconizable, would you still love me?

If I lied, would you still love me?

If I hurt you, would you still love me?

If I hurt myself, would you still love me?

There are those that I would love no matter what. But on a day riddled with pessimism, I begin to wonder certain things about my life. The feeling of "nothing is so good it lasts eternally" looms and blows up into unproportionate size in a "cartoon-noir" sort of way. The idea of "Life is a transaction. If we lose our assets, we automatically become dispensible," begins to make more "sense", whatever that means. It's as if I saw the world through a crystal ball, and I see more clearly than ever what the secret truth is.

Trust has never been a forte of mine.

Antithesis

Last night, I told Jeremy: "My life sucks."
"No, it doesn't. You shouldn't say that," said Jeremy.

He's right. The minute it came out, I knew it wasn't true.

My life doesn't suck.
In fact, like Brian says, I'm lucky.

I have shelter. I have hot food (and cold, too, if I want it). I have someone who loves me more than so many other things in the world. I have support, and I know I can get it anytime I want ... and I can get a lot of it because so many of you would give it generously.

Oh, what's better? Drum roll ...

I HAVE CHOICES!

I can make my own decisions, no matter how joyful or how painful it can be!

I read that poverty is not just identified by monetary value.
Poverty means you don't have a choice in how you live your life.

You can't question what life means to you, how you live it, and what you can make it for other people.

When many of us think we suffer from doubiousness, we are actually exercising a kind of freedom ... we have the luxury to doubt!

What "sucks" is just that I feel sucky because I believe it's sucky because, whether I can verbalize it or not, I know what I want deep down, but I think I can't have it because I am afraid I might fall or disappoint because I have always identified myself with the way people think about me and their expectations and forgot that I need to empty my mind so that I can be move on without any thoughts holding me back.

Did that make sense??

What sucks even more is that, and I will be perfectly honest, I have been selfish.

Yes, me.
The "selfless", "generous", "gentle", "inspired and inspiring", almost "angelic" Elaine. *ahhhh ... the cherubs sing -- do you hear? don't worry; neither do i*

I have been focusing everything -- the good and the bad -- on me, when (after reading Karen's blog and EVERYONE'S comments and her replies) now I realize that I haven't given much ... to my family, to my friends, and to my community and communities with needs of which I am aware.

I remember in high school how I would volunteer and help. Even in college, I didn't teach just for the prestige (though I did benefit from that); I taught because I wanted to help!

Where has my spirit gone?
Maybe that's what I've been searching for all along when things didn't feel right for the last couple of years -- and still don't feel right.

Who wants to be nice to strangers with me?
Let's go and volunteer.

Abide by Chance

I read about a lady named M. Anne McConnell today. I came across an article about her because has had "a zigzaggy career". She is not afraid of trying new things and taking chances.

Here's what she abides by:

1. Know who you are and be who you are: Authenticity
2. Know what's right and do what's right: Integrity
3. Know what you love and do what you love and have fun: Passion
4. Trust your gut and intuition: Spirit
5. Always give others the benefit of the doubt: Respect

Solicit

Friends, I am in need of support right now.

Freak Out

I freaked out over something rather insignificant in the grand scheme of things last night.

When it comes down to the bottom of it, love, and only love, matters.

If you lose faith, like a friend once said, it could be a long drop from there.

Last Chapter

So I was going crazy because my life is a roller-coaster. I refused to do any school-related work. I allowed myself to be affected by the unpredictabilities in life. I allowed myself to be haunt.

The reality is that I just can't move forward because I never closed the last chapter in my life. It is virtually impossible to move on if you are not complete.

So I am going to take some time to revisit the last chapter ... and close the books on it. It's time I take that step without further ado.

Objection

Something is bothering me tonight.

I walked into the bedroom, and I heard a last-minute click on the computer.

I know that sound. It's the panic click!

It's always that sound of panic, and that thought of "Shit! Gotta go!" that I can almost hear the person breathe as I walk in that I am so familiar with. He's hiding something from me. I'm not stupid (contrary to popular belief, I'm not that gullible.). I've had people snoop around on my computer, or look at nasty porn on the computer and don't want me to know for fear of I-don't-know-what consequence, or talk to a lingering ex ... what-have-you. I've seen it all. And, mind you, none of these relationships worked out.

What's worse this time? He turned around and smiled innocently at me. He was consciously dishonest.

I could almost hear the sirens go off in my mind. I immediately started sweating. I actually trusted him 100%, even after the controversy over check-ups (or lack thereof), I thought. And -- look! -- I even moved in!

What, does trust and respect not mean anything anymore nowadays? Or has it ever, considering past experiences?

Every once in a while, I just feel benefit of the doubt I offer, coupled with my forgiving personality, gets taken for granted. I can't help but to feel that once I see one (well, more like 3 in my case), I see all.

Here's a rule of thumb:
What you do is your choice. What I do is mine -- I'll just try not to affect you as much as possible as I do whatever that I do.

But when you have to intuitively hide something you were doing, chances are you shouldn't have been doing it to begin with.

Of course, if it was a surprise that I accidentally walked into, then by all means call me out. I'm wrong. But then again, I'm pretty sharp about certain things. Less about intuition, but more about experience.

Questions

You ever come to a point where, just when you thought you had yourself all figured out, then one day, you realize you really don't?

Ever change so fast that you can't catch up with yourself?

Ever been hurried to grow up and feel like if you don't, you'll be left behind and get eliminated from the game ... like Survivor?

Ever feel like you made wrong decisions in the past that closed doors for you?

Ever lose touch your aspirations? Ever suspect that your aspirations aren't really yours but someone else's -- maybe your parents -- because they don't want you to make the same mistakes they did?

Ever want to halt what you're doing to make sense of it all, but don't know how?

Ever beat yourself up for not being passionate about what you're doing?

Ever think that your life is too complicated because you think too much, and wish that you could just stop thinking so that maybe happiness would come easier?

Ever feel like your life isn't colorful enough because you used your time to achieve instead of living life?

Ever feel frustrated because you don't like how things are going but you don't know what to do about it?

Shackles

Maybe studying accounting makes me philosophical. Maybe that's the magic of accounting.

What would you choose -- a simple life with a lack of aspirations or a life full of aspirations and unnecessary complexities? This is the choice I have to make to find my own path to self-actualization.

I was just exposed to the simplest idea last night. Brian told me that he's on track to what he wants out of life. He said he never really had much (career) aspirations; he just wants to be happy, fulfilled, healthy, safe ....

Happiness doesn't have to include complexities. It can come from the intangibles in life that are not measurable by things, resumes, certificates or dollar amounts.

It's not about how far you end up; it's about how you feel while you get there.

At that moment, I just realized that, just maybe, I have been thinking too much all along.

I also realized that I never once questioned the existence of my aspirations. To aspire for a grand career and the achievement of "great things" was never quite an option; it's an expectation. But lately, I've been questioning whose aspirations these are? Mine? My parents? Colleagues? Whose? How does it feel to have these aspirations? Do they bring me happiness or just the gratification of duty-fulfilled? Do they give me more insight into life and my heart or does it mask my feelings with a false sense of fulfillment? Is that why I feel trapped in between decisions, not knowing whether to follow the mind or the heart? And why am I here at school in this program? Did I do it to just find something to do, somewhere to go and to appease/pacify my parents? Is that why my heart isn't in school right now -- because these are not things I want to learn at the moment, but wanting to learn about the depths of my life instead?

Perhaps aspirations really are the shackles of the mind which is waiting to be freed by inspiration.

I am determined to seek the truth.

[I am grateful to have someone like Brian who can give me a window through which to see a radically different idea on life than my own.]

My Stupid Chinese Class

I just had to do the dumbest Chinese homework.

Well, actually, Chinese homework is pretty much stupid ... typical.

I don't think most of these exercises are very effective in teaching anything at all. It's all just busy work.

If we want to practice reading and writing, it'd be more effective to read some newspapers, discuss it in Chinese, then write something about some articles. Also translating articles from English to Chinese and vise versa would be good.

Instead of buying an expensive book that teaches things that even a 12-year-old would know how to do.

There is no structure in class -- only a syllabus that we don't follow, at most.
I am frick'n learning NOTHING in this class, and I'm sick of it.

I'm also sick of school. I want to just drop everything and volunteer or something. I'm young. I can do that. I can even learn something and be inspired -- ah ha!

Definitely something to consider.

Wives of Primates

After co-habiting with the male species for many years, I confess that I still do not understand men. Surely, I have learned their habits, I have even made generous contributions to their habitat and livelihood. However, a thorough understanding of men has yet to be achieved.

Some things that some of us girls wonder:

What makes men want to commit if evolutionarily they are simply agents to disseminate genetic material?

In other words, if they're evolutionarily the non-committing type (that means they have been this way down from their grand-daddy's grand-daddy's grand-daddy's grand-daddy's daddy), then why do we still trust them? And why don't they go after the Victoria's Secret model or that certain attractive actress on TV or just that gorgeous girl down the street, and instead, settle with us? I wonder if it's because they did and failed miserably, or we're just way more accessible?

What makes a woman believe that it makes sense to want to marry a man, expecting from him a lifetime's worth of commitment? It can't be that we want babies that bad, do we? (I guess I don't even understand women.)

Surely, I have a scientific/sociological/academic answer, but emotionally, I am not feeling it because the mechanics of anthropology pretty much negates the whim of Love. Modern findings of oxytocins (chemical that induces the feeling of 'love') and social stucture morphosis just don't cut it.

Rainy Sunday

We went to the NE Planned Parenthood to get me tested. I was scared, naturally, but somewhere in there, there was strength. I was actually more confused than anything else because everything is coming at me so fast.

To test positive, to have a disease like this is permanent. How did we get it so casually, so carelessly ... without a trace? Well, I don't know about Brian, but, for me, it's just such a shock to have it wander so non-challantly into my life and change everything around, especially when I never put myself at risk. Did he?

How could our lives have been changed without our consent? I know life just happens whether we like it or not, but sometimes, I'd like to think that there are things we can change to determine our fate. This ... well, I don't know. All that's for sure is our lives have been changed.

I'm going to miss a lot of things, now that I know I took them for granted. I'm going to miss making love to the man I love whenever, however and wherever I want. There is something valuable about having the freedom to be passionate and choose how we show our passion. I will miss how he feels inside me; I think there is something powerful and meaningful about letting someone inside my body. Unlike times before, I made the decision to receive him in my body, and I let him in because of love ... just that.

It was when I heard the news of difficult childbirthing for patients that I surprised myself with sadness. I never realized that being able to have kids is such a gift. Whenever the topic came up, I would just greet it with an "ewww!" Well, I guess I just didn't put enough thought into it. And I never thought that I wanted kids so bad, but I guess I do, because I want to have a boy and then a girl with the man I love. But it'll be hard for us to have babies from now on.

If I test positive, giving birth will be difficult. If I have an outbreak while giving (natural) childbirth, then the child will get very sick. That means I'll have to get 2 C-sections for the boy and (then) the girl that I want (and, I hope, he wants). Knowing my body, an incision like that will take me a long time to heal. ... And I'll have it twice.

If I test negative, then conceiving will be difficult. I risk contracting the disease while trying to conceiving. I understand that there are other ways to get fertilized artificially, but there is something about conceiving the "old fashioned way" that I like. I just think it's momentuous for two people to start another life in both a biological and spiritual sense, and I want to be able to do that on our terms (without lab technicians).

I would honestly say that I want to take my chances with the virus in order to conceive if I don't already have it. But I don't want to risk my kids' health.

Let's hope Arthur doesn't pass away anytime soon, because we want to have kids before Arthur dies. But it's such a long ways away because I know there's a lot left in Arthur, so we'll have time to think about our options.

Other than mourning for the loss of what was, however, I think I'm doing ok. I'm determined to go through my life with this guy, and that is enough to make me feel like the luckiest girl on earth. So what's a virus or two? I honestly have gone through worse.

This is nothing.

Matter at Hand

He tested positive.

I was so mad at him and the entire situation for the past several days, but suddenly, none of it really matters anymore. After all, this isn't only about me; it's also about the love of my life.

Life is a long journey. Sooner or later, anger will fade; so will other feelings and other memories. If you choose to remember, then you cultivate it. If you choose to forget, then you let it go. There are other things in the future for this long journey of mine that I have chosen to travel with this man of my dreams. In the long run, this is but a speck of dust. The disease will just become part of a routine in our lives when we explore other things -- better or worse -- together.

I've chosen to let it go.

As far as the disease goes, well, whether I get it or not, it doesn't matter anymore. I'll take it as it comes. After all, all that matters is how the two of us feel and not anyone else.

We'll be more than fine. We'll be great.

Because we have each other.

You Don't

I was (still am) so upset -- soooo upset -- at Brian. I wondered if he actually cared as much as he says he does. I thought that if he actually did, then he wouldn't neglect the check-up like he did. Sure, he might already have it even before he could have caught it, but, well, there's something to be said about being proactive and initiate the "investigation" (aka. testing) ourselves to find things out on our own instead of being passive and wait until someone else to leave a message about it (though, I must say I appreciate her courage and honesty -- she still cares about him). I find that making decisions about our lives and our health on our own terms valuable. I felt that, to a certain extent, he's betrayed my trust because I have entrusted my health to him, and I believed him when he told me he would take care of me. I care about him so much, that the first thing I did was to make sure I'm not a threat to him even when I have no reason to doubt. I expected my efforts to be matched, and well, it wasn't.

I was upset also because I am worried that this would make me a "damaged good". Remember? You've gone through that once before. Rape? Shane? Threats? Ring a bell? This reminded me not of the violence of that incident, but the helplessness of it. I just feel like I haven't done anything wrong, and I don't deserve any of it. But here I am, still, with the burden.

You just never know what happens.

For four months, things were PERFECT. It felt just right.

Four months later, came crisis. Cross-roads. Decision-making time. Pivitol point. Do you stick with someone who disappointed you in the trust department over something so important, so vital? Do you stay by the side of someone who has compromised your health -- your life? What do you do when you don't know how an event like this will change your life and your future together -- do you keep going and venture into the darkness of uncertainty or do you find another path on your own?

Every once in a while, you wonder if your significant other is the "right one for you". But maybe that's not the point. You never know if someone is "the right one" until you've given the situation enough effort and the person the chance to prove him/herself. I think things, to a certain extent, are not predetermined. You've got to give life the chance it deserves when it comes to you. Maybe this week has just been what they call "a trial" for love, and I hope we will make it through.

Paradise

I am not sure how I'm supposed to feel. It's not like there's a right or wrong answer, but I just don't know. I guess confused and depressed would be it. Maybe angry that my innocence is lost, gone with it is the little shred of grace I had. The fact of the matter is I love who I think I am to him, and I love who he is to me, and I don't want any of that to change ... not like this. Maybe I feel I've been wronged because I didn't do anything to deserve it all. Maybe I feel trapped, like there is no escape and no return. Maybe I pity myself because, after all, what bad things wouldn't happen to someone like me even when I've been careful? No, give me my happiness back! I don't want to feel like this, and I don't want this for us!

And I feel alone. No matter what, I am still stuck with my own feelings, my own life, my own everything ... on my own, no matter how much someone loves you. He can't protect me when his past comes to haunt us. I can only stay strong and hope that I am strong enough to shield him, too.

I even feel selfish for feeling the way I do because it affects him just as much as it affects me ... just differently. I feel guilty for being angry at him because he didn't hurt me intentionally. I am also disgusted at myself, like I have a mark that makes me less loveable. Well, nobody is really at fault, I guess. I can't reasonably direct my anger at anyone, and it frustrates me. All of this adds up.

It's harder at night. It always is ... with everything. There's something about depression, loneliness and the darkness that go hand-in-hand. The shadow in the night descends ... it's all so familiar. And so, I my dreams take me back to my darker days, when I was alone and sad and screaming out for help ... I hate being reminded of bad things. I cry at night when no one knows, so that I can have some release before the day breaks and I have to pretend that everything is ok. Pretense. I hate pretense. I can't pretend that everything is ok when it isn't.

But I stay here by his side. I give him care and support because I love him so much, and I want to give him everything I have.

... Please promise me everything will be ok, that love will never fade, that there is nothing to be afraid of and that you'll never go, because I love you so much ....

It just hurts.

This Week

So I think planning things out publicly will increase accountability and transparency.

Monday
11am: Global HR project meeting @ 2nd floor of library
12:30pm: Meeting with Sean for Global HR meeting update @ 2nd floor of library
2pm: Global Accounting project meeting @ SBA 4th floor lounge
3pm: Meeting Brian outside of SBA to go home
4pm: Sign up for Marketing group
5pm: Start Chinese homework
6pm: Dinner
7:30pm: Pumpkin Carving!!
*I really wanna go to the corn maze. :-(

Tuesday
6:30am: Arrive on campus; finish Chinese translation homework
9:00am: Chinese listening homework
10:00am: Study for Accounting quiz; take accounting notes for open-book
1:00pm: Chinese class
2:30pm: Marketing project meeting @ SBA 4th floor lounge
3:15pm: Meeting Brian at SBA to go home
4:00pm: Study for Accounting quiz and work on Project Management homework
5:30pm: Dinner
7:00pm: Pass out candy while studying! And don't forget to do financial aid stuff.

Wednesday

Study for Accounting and HR. Start on Marketing Icebreaker assignment.
Chinese assignment.

Thursday

6:30am: Campus; study accounting
8:30am: Chinese class
10:00am: Prepare for marketing class
12:30pm: Marketing class
5:00pm: Fooood!
7:30pm: Soccer
9:30pm: Shower and stuff
11:30pm: Sleep

Friday
8:30am: Prepare for accounting quiz; read HR material
12:30pm: Accounting class; quiz first 45 minutes
5:00pm: Get a ride home (anyone?)
6:00pm: Red Cup Friday!
12:00am: Sleep

Saturday
7:00am: Get up; go to school
8:00am: HR class; quiz during first 30 minutes of class
2:00pm: Meet Brian at SBA to go home

Up 'til Friday

I've kind of decided that maybe it'd be fun to write out what my events are for the rest of the week.

It's 10:30 pm right now, and I'm typing away. I'm gonna finish up here, go take a shower, and then get to bed.

I'm gonna get up before 7 tomorrow, send Brian a nice text for the day, and finish my accounting homework.

9:30am, break time, during which I will be doing my dishes and taking care of some laundry issues (the issue being I have a ridiculously huge pile of it!).

10:30am, read some more, make sure to be prepared for the guest speaker and the project details. Oh, and don't forget to check out what's going on with HR (errrm, I don't think I'll be bonding with that teacher much; you always know when the chemistry isn't there).

12:15pm, I'm going to set out for class.

5pm is when I get out of class. Hopefully, I'll get to go to Brian's ASAP! I need to get out of here. It's like home over there for me now. I love it ... I love him (and the cat ... we're one little family). Oh, and I need to grab my laundry and the red rice!

Yay! Happy!

About Mike

Just a real short one.

For those who don't know, my friend Mike LeChevallier is travelling through Africa on a Watson Fellowship (very prestigious!) to study inculturation in the Catholic church right now for the next 9-10 months (he's been there since August).

If you know Mike and would like to read his blog to get an update on his journey, check out: mikeintranslation.blogspot.com.

Mike is a very insightful, observant and thorought thinker, also a very good writer. I'm sure you won't be disappointed.

Until Spring

So he gave me until February/March/basically spring to move in with him.

"Why?" I questioned.
"Because that's what people do when they're in love," he replied.

So that's just the way it is, huh? I don't know, but I think I need a better answer than that. And no, I don't have an answer in mind.

"Just think about moving in?" Ok, I'll definitely give it the consideration it deserves, but until I come up with something, I just don't understand why I have such a problem with moving in.

I told him it's because I want a place to fall back on. I mean, every woman needs it. ... Right? At least that's what my mother taught me.

But no, now I realize that's not it. I'm not moving in not because I want to have a place to fall back on. I actually don't think I'll be needing that in this case. Besides, I have other options.

Is it because of transportation, that it's convenient to live on campus?

No, I'm not necessarily worried about that either. It's only a sub-problem under a larger context, which I am having problems identifying.

What about soverignty? Am I afraid of losing freedom?

Well, then again, if I am that scared, I wouldn't have been in this relationship to begin with.

Am I testing the relationship with unnecessary distance?

If that's the case, then I probably should move farther away to get more accurate results, since Portland and Tigard aren't that far apart.

I don't understand. Maybe I'm getting insecure because this is moving all so fast. Maybe just the fact that I have fallen completely head-over-heels for him so quickly went beyond my calculations. Maybe I don't ever want to risk changing any of this because it's so good.

Maybe it's just none or all of these things. Perhaps the bottomline is that I'm not ready to make such a change in my life yet ... to give up my (crappy and expensive) studio apartment willingly even though it's just a symbolic icon of my freedom and nothing substantial. Maybe I'm just not ready to give up being "me" yet. Undeniably, the point of living together is to sacrifice at least some sense of individuality to create some form of a hybrid entity mixed by the hand of what we might call Love. In this case, from "Elaine" to "Brilaine"

I think deep down, I'm still cautious about this Love thing that is meddling with my life right now. I don't ever want to be torn apart or abandoned or anything you can insert [here] .

It's so conflicting. Believe me. This guy ... he's something else. It IS tempting to just move in, to just dive in head first, to just risk it all ... my heart, my soul, my belief in the good of Love, and everything else I've got.

But I'm just afraid that I'll realize I don't know how to swim just after I dive in. Should I expect him to jump in and save me? Coz the ocean doesn't have a lifeguard, and I know it's much easier to just let me drown.

[Ah, me and my insecurities.]

Feeling Miserable (no one loves me! Boooo!)

Well, here I am. I'm trying to finish up my econ test, so that I can work on other stuff.

I'm exhausted. EXHAUSTED!

Well, I guess I will have 3 hours of sleep if I get to it now, get up at 3:30, and power it through. I have work from 9am to 1pm. Ridiculousness!!!

I'm glad I have all my MIMers to go through some of the things with me. Hey you guys: thanks for staying up with me!

I CAN DO IT!!!

This is what I have left to do before the end of the day tomorrow:

1. Political Science paper on Japan (2 pages)
2. The rest of my sustainability paper (8 pages)
3. Econ final (many problems, due at 1pm tomorrow)
4. A soccer game tonight at 7:15 or 8:15 (my respiratory system may not like it, and I'm out of shape ... bad)
5. MIM stuff (I need to start calling prospective students today. I'm guessing I'm going in for work around 2 oe 3)

OK. So here it is. Five things. Only five. I can do it. Oh, I so can.

Just Because I Can Doesn't Mean I Should (a little help?)

I am a very very bad procrastinator, who is very very good at doing quality last minute work, a skill that I developed through my undergrad years. The fact that I have been trained as a performer since I was 6 doesn't help either ... you really have to think on your feet. It's called improv.

Most of my quality papers -- even work that have been published -- are last minute jobs. All of my jobs in the past have required lots of improv work and thinking at the last minute. I mean, why not? I can do it! In fact, some call it a talent!

But lately I've found that this isn't going to work. The fact of the matter is that maybe all the things that I have handled before have been easy. Or maybe what I am about to handle is going to be hard. One way or another, the corporate world is not going to be forgiving and cater to me.

I KNOW for a fact that I have the ability to be organized and be on a schedule. That has happened before. But it seems that I have always needed special inspiration to do it -- if the problem is challenging enough, it'll entice me to get a head-start; if I am emotionally responsible to a certain duty, I'll do it as soon as I can so as to be praised (I'm attention-driven). But you know what? The world is not always going to go my way. I can't always be picky with what situation I get myself in. I can't always do whatever the hell I want. Just because I can doesn't mean I should.

I can't make excuses for myself anymore. I need a change. I need to change. I need a little help.

Part of a Letter

"... I am really amazed by the fact that I am back again after leaving LO for so long. It's been years. I left, cutting off some ties, retained some valuable one, gained different perspectives, discovered unknown aspects about myself, ... and here I am again.

Brian showed me some pictures of high school last night. I saw a bunch of people that were bound together at that stage in life. Strange feeling it was to realize where we have arrived now. I thought I would leave and never come back. I thought I'd go far, far away. But maybe I went too far and made a loop around back to where I started. It made me appreciate the things that I gathered in LO, and the things I gathered beyond LO, because now I have more than what I started with. ..."

Drama and Me

I don't get it sometimes.

I am glad to lead a relatively drama-free life. To refuse to be a part of unnecessary conflict, I even went to the lengths of leaving the country for half a year to gain new perspectives. It worked. I came back, and nothing mattered quite as much anymore. What was is no more.

How can you be who you truly want to be if you are constantly surrounded by the same people who always cause you the same problems, who limit your freedom and liberty, who take away your right to choose, who always remind you of the grief you went through in the past and never let you completely heal? Maybe I don't understand, but maybe I understand too well, that's why I question with all due respect.

How can you grow if your perspectives are limited by the same mundane views of the same people around you, perspecitves that keep circulating round and round and round? How would you know that the views you have are just that ... views, with no room for growth?

Perhaps my life has been boring. I just walked the train tracks for the first time 2 months ago. I just walked a dog for the first time a week ago. I touched the first shot gun recently. I went canoeing for the first time 2 months ago. ... Really, I have been sheltered.

But within my own sheltered life, I did go through a lot of less innocent events, my choice or against my will. I have also seen many things about people, about culture, about the conflicts and dichotomies between ideas .... So perhaps I'm not so sheltered after all. I am just boring and timid, if you measure me against standards that are applied generally to a different lifestyle. But if you really open your eyes, ears and heart, you might find something interesting, defiant, rich, and colorful behind what you see from your own tinted lenses ... that is, if you are willing to step back and pay attention.

This isn't the last for today ...

I'm sick, and I've been trying to work on this paper on Wal-Mart for a while now. How and why do I get sick when it's crucial??? This is gonna be a long long long week. To top it all off, there was no hot water out of the tap this morning. Something wrong with the plumbing again. I swear I'd move out if only I had a feasible alternative place to stay.

Now I'm stuck in a room, dealing with life, with stress, and the claustrophobia I never thought I had. Ok, maybe it's just loneliness (somebody, write me a message!), a craving to be taken care of, yet conflicted because I know I can and should take care of myself. That, my readers, is called confusion.

And you know what's worse? At this moment when I'm supposed to be working, I keep getting all sorts of thoughts about other things that make for perfect blog topics. In case you haven't noticed, this is my fourth blog of the day ... and counting. Epiphanies seriously come at the most inconvenient times. Luckily, I type just about as fast as I think. Sometimes I just wish that someone would pay me to write my blogs. Do you know how successful I'd be? 4 pieces a day ... hmm, who's hiring me?

Frick'n A. You guys are gonna get tired of me pretty soon here.

6 Things that Turn Me the Hell Off (Thanks, Karen)

(MySpace tag) Guys, if you want me to shoot you down with a shot gun (ok, think metaphorically), do the following:

1. Talk shit about other races, other genders and other people in general.

Come on. Enough said. Totally self-explanatory. You talk shit, you eat shit. Do not mistake for one second that this makes you "cool". Do not cause any unnecessary drama because I will not tolerate it.

2. Be bossy and give directions unsolicited as if you know that much better.

The funniest thing is when your directions turn out to be wrong. If I need help, I'll ask. I'm not egotistical ... like you are.

3. Try to get me drunk.

What are you? A pervert? Yeah, I knew it. Get your filthy hands off me. I know it's on my ass.

4. Try to tell me that my boyfriend is not good enough for me.

Oh, I've had this happen to me. Result: he got yelled at. So ... what, you think you are capable of being better for me then? Don't you even dare. It's my choice to make, and I've made my choice ... and I'm happy with it. Whoever that talks shit about my boyfriend has just opened a large can of woop-ass.

5. Express directly or indirectly that I'm weak because of who I am -- a girl.

Just because I can control my temper and my tongue doesn't mean I'm timid and afraid to express. Do not confuse understanding as a sign of weakness. I am tolerant, accepting and understanding. But also remember: I can kick your ass ... any day, aight? Ok, good.

6. Be a cocky dumbass.

People who don't know good enough to tone it down, be humble and are not afraid to show just how dumb and shallow they are tick me off. I am so embarrassed for you. And do not, for one second, think that I'll let you get away with discrediting me or anyone else who is entitled to their educated and logical opinion because I didn't get my education for nothing. I'll frick'n school you.

7. [BONUS!] Ask me my opinion and then tell me what my answer is.

Well, see, if you wanted to know what I think, ask. But once you asked, you need to let me answer. Don't go:
You: "Would you like to do this today?"
Me: "Sure!"
You: "Nah, actually, let's not. I don't think you'll enjoy it."
What the hell is your problem?? Frick'n fake democracy!

If you have any time, I tag Nora, Megan, Mary, Natasha, Valerie and Annie.

I'm My Knight

Brian left.

The love of my life closed the door before leaving for work, kept me in the house where I felt safe and at home. I just hope that he won't get hurt at work today; I know how hard he works. That's why I get up no matter how early it is to tell him I love him before he leaves ... maybe for my peace of mind that he knows I do. I think I'll make him dinner tonight.

Comfortable on a Monday, when most working people aren't, I laid in bed this morning at 5:45, thinking. After deciding what I should be for Halloween, I thought about other things, like career, life, school ... things that I dread thinking about because the unknown has been weighing on me since I don't have an answer for any of those things.

Won't someone take it away?

No, it's just me. I'm my knight. Not you, nor you, nor you ... but me, because you can't save me in the life that I live. I won't dump my responsibility on you.

I've been running into trouble focusing lately. I think it's mostly because I'm suddenly losing career direction. Where do I want to go? What do I want to do? Honestly, graduate school opened my eyes. No, I haven't seen THE TRUTH quite yet, but it definitely opened up a door to many questions about corporate America and the measure of success in relations to happiness. I think it's time for me to do some re-grouping. I need some inspiration and guidance.

As if fate has something to do with it, I ran into this site on CNN.com on the annual Most Powerful Women in Business Summit:
http://www.timeinc.net/fortune/conferences/womens2006/women_home.html

[Fellow women, check it out. Meanwhile, remember all the successful and strong women all over the world in business, in power or in villages, in poverty, in your home or in your heart.]

Powerful women. It's not easy. How did they get there? How did they get that drive and not settle? How did they come up with the determination, courage and persistence?

I honestly don't know. I'm still in the process of finding myself. No, not that I don't understand myself, but I still don't understand completely. Maybe that's what my life is for. I just hope that it won't be too late when I finally have that epiphany or enlightenment, like the "Ah ha! I got it!" that comes the moment before I die.

I have a loving family -- not always perfect, but I know how lucky I am. I have devoted and loyal friends, without whom I would not be here right now. I have the most perfect significant other I can ever ask for; no, not perfect perfect -- no one is -- but he is perfect for me. Truly, I have everything I need to succeed, but why do I feel so stuck? People see so much in me, almost betting for my success, and I ... well, I just don't know. I can only put up a face and say, "Yeah, I'll be doing this and that and be successful and make a bunch of money and do a lot of good," when in fact I may not even want to do that.

Not that I don't want "a whole bunch of money"; I know the conveniences of money -- that's why I hate it; it's coz I can't live without it. And not that I don't want to do good and serve my community of which I am a part, as I am service-oriented and a defender at heart. But what if I want to

get married and stay at home and take care of the kids and worry about the cat and plan on getting a dog and do the dishes, laundry and learn new recipes, like I never imagined ever wanting to do?

No no, I'm not saying that's what I want to do for sure, but what if? What would you say to me? I'm a nerd, and I enjoy learning, but does a nerd necessarily have to do what nerds are "supposed to do"?

So here I am. I want to see what is so special about US' 50 most powerful women and see how they realized where to go and what to do, how they balance success and happiness, how they value external expectations and internal desires. Did they want to be someone else before they got to where they are?

I know I didn't do as good as I should have this first term. But hopefully I'll be able to do better next time around. It's not the end of the world, right?

Finding Faces in the Clouds

1. What's in Life?
Religion or any other ideas and philosophy is nothing but an ornament in life, unless it's from the heart. It means you can't truly comprehend the meaning of life until you have hit rock-bottom and back.

2. What is Logic?
Logic is nothing but a learned set of management skills to make sense of what you observe and analyze in your surroundings.

3. What is Time?
Accordingly (re: #2), time is just rhetoric, putting words to each passing moments of our lives. Kind of funny: some people wish that they have 48 hours a day instead of 24. But then each "hour" in a 48-hour day would be half an hour in a 24-hour day. Everything just evens out, doesn' it? It's all perspective.

4. On My Achievements ...
My greatest achievement yet is to wake up to see the day, to feel love, to hope, to forgive ....

5. East Asian Politics
As a rising power, China needs to realize that it is at crossroads. It has a choice to make. They can make a consicous decision to change the world for the better.

6. US Hegemony and Exceptionalism?
The US will always be special, and no other nation will be the same. However, do not confuse that with US being "number 1". There is no competition. And it's not that kind of a game.

7. A Middle East Solution?
There have been many transgressions made during the Iraq crisis and crises in the Middle East. Most of these transgressions started with the difference in culture. I think one way for the US to pull out from Iraq is to allow the Iraqi regime to create a mediated dialogue other nations in the region that can identify with their culture to come up with a concrete agenda to at least ease up the current situation in that country. Do keep in mind that whatever conclusion these countries arrive at must be discussed at the UN because no country can realistically implement unilateralism in this interdependent world.

8. Comparative Cultures
Two ancient cultures, Iran (Persia) and China, with ties in the past, are so different to this day. What are their differences? Briefly:
- Iran's fundamental belief that church and state are inseparable, hence,
lack of checks and balances;
- Every culture has their mix of fatalism and self-determination
(patrimonialsm and legalism, respectively, as per legitimacy of rule), and
Iran happened to have a mixture that consists of more fatalism than
self-determination as opposed to China;
- Iran and China's level of difficulty of access to power as well as the role
of intellectuals are different;
- The two differ in their management of "chaos".

9. A Civil Society
There are many more tolerant and big-hearted people out there. It is when they start to get taken advantage of that the world starts to turn ugly.

10. Appreciation
THANK YOU, ALL MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY, WHO ARE THERE TO SUPPORT AND INSPIRE ME THROUGH THE UPS AND DOWNS OF MY LIFE! I LOVE YOU ALL!

Home is Where the Heart Is

Lately, I have been wondering about how my life has changed.

Going to school has always been a means for me to have a fulfilling career in service. I wanted to give myself and just ... dissolve ... in hopes that my life will make something positive grow. I was so ready to leave this life here behind and go far far away.

But now, I realize that things are ... different.

No, don't get me wrong; nothing can take away my desire to give. But lately, I feel the need to stay, for I have found my place here. I have found my heart a home, and I want to build on that ... because this makes me happy. Maybe all this time, when I wanted to go away, all I have been feeling is that I don't belong, and I felt like I needed to find my place elsewhere. And maybe all this time, I wanted to love but found no one worthy, that's why I felt that I should give myself and my life away.

But now, I want to stay because staying here gives my life life.

It's sometimes confusing. I am happy -- believe me, it just feels so natural. Yet, on the other hand, I sometimes feel like I'm letting some people down for not going somewhere "big" or "impressive", because I was supposed to "make a difference".

Funny to think that, while I regret to tell them that No, I probably won't be doing what you thought I would do, I am happy to free myself of that tether and finally doing something that I want to do and recognizing my reality. I know the risks that I am running, and I know this could break m heart. But no, I don't regret it. In a much less graceful way, it's my way of saying f-you, world! Hey, come on. Who ever said I am graceful anyway?

This is where I belong. This is the home of my heart. And I'd give everything I have for it to grow.

PS. Did you know? A good friend is one who you can enjoy talking to. A good lover is one who you can enjoy being silent with.

On that note, I'll leave you with something my friend, Jordan, wrote me:

I just don't believe in pessimism and self-hatred anymore, and neither should you. Everyone will want to tell you how things will go wrong, and how many hundreds of ways things could go sour. But you just gotta be fearless and say, "This is my reality. I decide who I love, when I want, where I want, and how I want. Everyone feels empty and estranged in love and out of love. You just have to manage how you want love to build you up and not break you down.

Reasons to Fight

I was feeling so so so unmotivated this morning (read previous blog). I've been way too comfortable and way too lazy lately. I decided that I should remind myself why I am here for and what I am working for, so I wrote this:

REASONS FOR BEING IN SCHOOL

9-26-2006

1. Service: to prepare for my future endeavor of promoting long-term sustainable community development and involvement

2. Career: to start an enjoyable career that provides financial returns so to pay off debts, support myself and my family (if that may be) and to fulfill filial obligations with relative ease

3. Learning: to fulfill my intellectual curiosity and excel with practice

4. Exploration: to expand my horizon by trying new activities and seeing through new perspectives

5. Networking: to make long-term connections with inspirational people

6. Self-realization: to understand myself better and to practice discipline, efficiency, intuition and critical thinking through commitment

[Nothing will ever change my desire to give, but now I have more to fight for: I have found a home for my heart.]

You know you want this. No difficulty will get to you because you are courageous and powerful, and you are supported by LOVE. You are a FIGHTER!

Real Time

Ok, I have school today (@8:30am), and I'm feeling especially unmotivated. It's like I just wanna go away and do something else ... travel or something. Ugh!!! I hate feeling lazy!

And Brian's house is way too comfy; I wish I'm living here. haha! I especially like it that I get to be there when he comes home.

Aight. I'm catching a ride with the neighbor, so I gotta go.

Sappy Crap

My excuse: I'm a girl. This is a sweet song. Reminds me of someone .... :)
(will sing at weddings; let me know. hahaa!)

Never Saw Blue Like That
Shawn Colvin

Today I took a walk up the street
And picked a flower and climbed the hill
Above the lake

And secret thoughts were said aloud
We watched the faces in the clouds
Until the clouds had blown away

And were we ever somewhere else
You know, it's hard to say

And I never saw blue like that before
Across the sky
Around the world
You've given me all you have and more
And no one else has ever shown me how
To see the world the way I see it now
Oh, I, I never saw blue like that

I can't believe a month ago
I was alone, I didn't know you
I hadn't seen or heard you're name
And even now, I'm so amazed
It's like a dream, It's like a rainbow, it's like the rain

And some things are the way they are
And words just can't explain

Cause I never saw blue like that before
Across the sky
Around the world
You've given me all you have and more
And no one else has ever shown me how
To see the world the way I see it now
Oh, I, I never saw blue like that before

And it feels like now,
And it feels always,
And it feels like coming home

I never saw blue like that before
Across the sky
Around the world
You've given me all you have and more
And no one else has ever shown me how
To see the world the way I see it now
Oh, I, I never saw blue like that before

Oh, I, I never saw blue like that

Be Gone

You know what? I just wish people in the past would just stay in the past. Be happy, but please just be happy somewhere else and stop being bothersome.

Just as you want to be happy, I want to be happy, too. Stop lingering to make me feel bad.

"Be gone"

... is all I have to say.

Unbelievable!

I am so serious. STOP IT, YOU PEOPLE!

I keep getting comments on how different me and my boyfriend are, and that it's not going to work out because of these differences.

Come on.
We obviously know that we're different people; we came into the relationship knowing that. I would add that it is because of our differences that we decided to come into this relationship together. We like the fact that we are different, and we feel that we compliment each other well.

The fact of the matter is that differences don't make or break a relationship -- especially not break. The two paths (work or don't work) are there equally. It's a 50-50 situation. But what determines the situation is how we manage our differences so that we can choose the path that is most optimal.

I know that this isn't going to be an easy relationship, despite how well things are going right now. But hey, who ever said anything is supposed to be easy, let alone relationships?

In a situation like this, communication and commitment are vital, so are boundaries and inclusion. What I mean is that there needs to be constant understanding of perspectives, hence communication. Boundaries are there to make sure two different people with different points of view can respect each other and their space. Inclusion means that we accomodate each other when we venture into each other's territories, such as mine with academics and his with ... well, all kinds of things that he does. Furthermore, we need to accentuate our commonalities. One way to do this is to make shared memories. Teach me and help me expand my horizon, and I will do the same.

Last but not least, commitment. A wise woman (Karen, that's you) once told me that there needs to be a common goal, respect for each other, deep love for one another, and the desire to be with each other. Desire. It's about how much we want to be in each other's lives that makes all the difference in the world.

I just feel that there's so much going for Brian and me in our relationship that people can't see on the surface of our differences.

I don't feel that I need to defend and justify my relationship. As in any relationship, investment or experiment, there is always the chance of failure.
The most important thing is that I LOVE THIS GUY and I've made my commitment to work this out.

So stop shitting on us and start being supportive!

Today is Thursday.

I don't understand how it still feels like a Tuesdsay to me.

One is a Fine Line

Some of us got to talking last night. Maybe it is impossible for us to love just one person for the rest of our lives.

But we do already love so many people: our families, our friends, old loves, new loves ... everyone fulfills different roles and needs in our lives. That, perhaps, is the beauty of being human: we have the capacity to love so many people and to embody so many things.

However, we are always in search for that One Love, that one person that will change our lives, that, together, we can make such happiness forever more.

When did we start doing that?

Personally, I think that it is highly plausible to be with one person for the rest of our lives if you permit yourself to do so.

My theory, and I will speak for myself, is that ...

In my lifetime, there are so many people out there that are capable of being compatible with me. It's a vast world; think of the possibilities and probability.

But I think what distinguishes one person out of the thousands are the decisions and choices I made in the past, as well as the decisions made by the people who have influenced by life. It takes a combination of my past and his past to bring us here, thereby ruling out everyone else.

And I know that there is only ONE and one ONLY is that ...

I only have one life, and I only have one self. I can only afford one man, therefore I only want one by definition of demand and satisfaction curve.

But the most important is that ...
I only want one.

And why is that so impossible? Why doubt that? After all, reality is what we make of it. If I want to love someone badly enough for long enough to last a lifetime, I can.

I will.

Restless me wants to train for sprints

I am considering starting running for endurance and speed (sprinting).

What do you think? How fast/far can my little legs take me?

At any rate, I think it'll help me get back in shape.

BESIDES, I wanna play flag football and soccer with the guys at school. I don't wanna be left out!!! hehe :)

(and I miss climbing!! I wanna climb REAL ROCKS!)

I really like being active. Well, I never did, but being emotionally OK with myself definitely helped me open up to all kinds of activities and new relationships with people. It gives me a brand new perspective on life in general.

I BLEED GREEN AND YELLOW!!!!

34-33 DUCKS

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKS!!!

Oh Man. Such a Good Game!!

0:46 left ...

The Sooners are getting screwed over by the refs, I gotta say.

BUT HELLA GOOD GAME!!! GOOOOOOO DUCKS!!!!!!

Ducks for Free

Can someone tell me what the hell is up with Oregon's turnovers??? All four of them?? What was it -- 2 turnovers for 10 points for FREE to the Sooners?

We dominated in the first half, but the second half is just painful. We couldn't follow, and when questioned, we couldn't answer.

But still, props for giving them the first half of their lives, and way to hussle even with 1 minute left.

In the Silence of the Night

I like writing in the silence of the night; it makes my thoughts ring like music and my visions like art.

Tonight, I realized many things.

But above all,

I realized that I am what my parents secretly wished they were, but never will be. I have what they never could have.

I am their imagination, their bravery, and their vision, recklessness, their voice, and their casual air of disregard.

I am their optimism, their hope for the good, their courage to understand and embrace, their sense of wonder, their "valley-girlness", and their ability to appreciate the small things in life.

I am their generosity, their adventures, their romanticism, … and, hell, even the sense of humor they don't have.

It's as if they have taken all those things that they aren't and couldn't be, mixed them up, and pushed and pushed … and pushed them out

into me.

Epilogue:

I just had lunch with my parents today. I hadn't seen them for 2 months. Well, as you know, my parents and I aren't exactly close. I do try to understand them, but sometimes, conflict of interest do stand in the way. Not only that, but also some fundamental differences. But I love and respect them anyway.

Sometimes, I think that my parents live with logic, doubt, cynicism and fear. They are products of their time, their environments, and their personalities. What fears they have are very relevant to their lives and lifestyle, while those fears may be entirely unfounded in mine. As parents, they tried and still try zealously to transfer those fears to me. It is so that I would not make the mistakes that will lead me right into what they fear to be the end. They seek to protect me, to make me safe, but at the expense of my taking chances, letting go, trusting and having faith in people and life … and love. The choices are to live a safe life or a colorful one. My choice is obvious, for here I am, writing this to you.

And life goes on. I continue to be fearful at times, but I am trying not to. Many of the fears I have are indeed from experience – bad things do happen sometimes, even more often than preferred. However, though I have lived most of my life with insecurities, one thing that nobody – not even my parents – could relinquish is hope. I still hope for better days that I will come out winning in this battle with doubt and fears. I still hope that trust and faith and love will prevail in my life. I still hope that one day my parents will start to understand our differences and that their fears are not mine.

I read somewhere that maybe mistakes are what make our fate, that if we did not veer off course, we would not fall in love, have babies, or be who we are.

If that is so, then I think I'm ready to make a mistake right about now.

In the Silence of the Night

I like writing in the silence of the night; it makes my thoughts ring like music and my visions like art.

Tonight, I realized many things.

But above all,

I realized that I am what my parents secretly wished they were, but never will be. I have what they never could have.

I am their imagination, their bravery, and their vision, recklessness, their voice, and their casual air of disregard.

I am their optimism, their hope for the good, their courage to understand and embrace, their sense of wonder, their "valley-girlness", and their ability to appreciate the small things in life.

I am their generosity, their adventures, their romanticism, … and, hell, even the sense of humor they don't have.

It's as if they have taken all those things that they aren't and couldn't be, mixed them up, and pushed and pushed … and pushed them out

into me.

Epilogue:

I just had lunch with my parents today. I hadn't seen them for 2 months. Well, as you know, my parents and I aren't exactly close. I do try to understand them, but sometimes, conflict of interest do stand in the way. Not only that, but also some fundamental differences. But I love and respect them anyway.

Sometimes, I think that my parents live with logic, doubt, cynicism and fear. They are products of their time, their environments, and their personalities. What fears they have are very relevant to their lives and lifestyle, while those fears may be entirely unfounded in mine. As parents, they tried and still try zealously to transfer those fears to me. It is so that I would not make the mistakes that will lead me right into what they fear to be the end. They seek to protect me, to make me safe, but at the expense of my taking chances, letting go, trusting and having faith in people and life … and love. The choices are to live a safe life or a colorful one. My choice is obvious, for here I am, writing this to you.

And life goes on. I continue to be fearful at times, but I am trying not to. Many of the fears I have are indeed from experience – bad things do happen sometimes, even more often than preferred. However, though I have lived most of my life with insecurities, one thing that nobody – not even my parents – could relinquish is hope. I still hope for better days that I will come out winning in this battle with doubt and fears. I still hope that trust and faith and love will prevail in my life. I still hope that one day my parents will start to understand our differences and that their fears are not mine.

I read somewhere that maybe mistakes are what make our fate, that if we did not veer off course, we would not fall in love, have babies, or be who we are.

If that is so, then I think I'm ready to make a mistake right about now.