Child Like Me

I must have ruined my life.

I must have ruined my life by being in love. I mean, LOOK! Why couldn't I have waited until AFTER school to be in a relationship? I have a choice, right?

And why do I have to be in debt? Why couldn't I have somehow paid my rent some other way ... like with the student loans that haven't come yet and not on the credit card, so that my parents wouldn't have to help me? Why couldn't I have talked to them earlier about needing some help to start being independent because asking my parents for help is easy and dignified, right? And why can't I just finish my BA? Now I'm in a grad program, and I will for sure have no success. I might even flunk out of it because I'm obviously incompetent.

Now I just have fucked up my life for good.

Look at everyone else -- so and so's daughter, cousin so and so -- they are all on their way to success -- at least that's what my dad told me. Why do I have to ruin my life and be defiant and wild and so non-compliant and do whatever I want without thinking about the consequences ... like foregoing my reputation by moving in with what's-his-face-that-friend-of-yours?

At least that's what my dad said.

Reputation. Even if I don't care about it, my father is certain that someday I will. But who is to judge me? Distant relatives? Friends of my parents? Who? Whose rude judgement will I care about? My grandmother? My uncles and aunts? Sure, I care about what they think! But they've lived their lives and have made their own decisions for better or for worse. Now it's my turn to live mine, right? So what do they have to complain about and be judgemental about?

Maybe the one who truly cares about "reputation" isn't me afterall.

Others your age are going places; now look at you!

[Where have I heard that before? Oh, I know. All my life.]

Others have such children, and I have a child like you. I am disappointed, he remarked.

Yes, a child like me.