Until Spring

So he gave me until February/March/basically spring to move in with him.

"Why?" I questioned.
"Because that's what people do when they're in love," he replied.

So that's just the way it is, huh? I don't know, but I think I need a better answer than that. And no, I don't have an answer in mind.

"Just think about moving in?" Ok, I'll definitely give it the consideration it deserves, but until I come up with something, I just don't understand why I have such a problem with moving in.

I told him it's because I want a place to fall back on. I mean, every woman needs it. ... Right? At least that's what my mother taught me.

But no, now I realize that's not it. I'm not moving in not because I want to have a place to fall back on. I actually don't think I'll be needing that in this case. Besides, I have other options.

Is it because of transportation, that it's convenient to live on campus?

No, I'm not necessarily worried about that either. It's only a sub-problem under a larger context, which I am having problems identifying.

What about soverignty? Am I afraid of losing freedom?

Well, then again, if I am that scared, I wouldn't have been in this relationship to begin with.

Am I testing the relationship with unnecessary distance?

If that's the case, then I probably should move farther away to get more accurate results, since Portland and Tigard aren't that far apart.

I don't understand. Maybe I'm getting insecure because this is moving all so fast. Maybe just the fact that I have fallen completely head-over-heels for him so quickly went beyond my calculations. Maybe I don't ever want to risk changing any of this because it's so good.

Maybe it's just none or all of these things. Perhaps the bottomline is that I'm not ready to make such a change in my life yet ... to give up my (crappy and expensive) studio apartment willingly even though it's just a symbolic icon of my freedom and nothing substantial. Maybe I'm just not ready to give up being "me" yet. Undeniably, the point of living together is to sacrifice at least some sense of individuality to create some form of a hybrid entity mixed by the hand of what we might call Love. In this case, from "Elaine" to "Brilaine"

I think deep down, I'm still cautious about this Love thing that is meddling with my life right now. I don't ever want to be torn apart or abandoned or anything you can insert [here] .

It's so conflicting. Believe me. This guy ... he's something else. It IS tempting to just move in, to just dive in head first, to just risk it all ... my heart, my soul, my belief in the good of Love, and everything else I've got.

But I'm just afraid that I'll realize I don't know how to swim just after I dive in. Should I expect him to jump in and save me? Coz the ocean doesn't have a lifeguard, and I know it's much easier to just let me drown.

[Ah, me and my insecurities.]