Theresreallynothinginterestingsoyoucanskipthisone

I didn't feel good last night.

It went from pretty good to unacceptable. It went from all smiles to tears.

Stress.

Lots and lots to do. Kind of behind. Irritated that my Chinese class seemed to have volunteered me to work on an assignment, but the things I came up with were totally dumped in the trashcan -- and of course no one told me why ... as if I had said nothing. The weirdest thing is that I had just realized that the person who volunteered me was the one who overrode everything that I did -- I just realized that she had wanted to take the project the whole damn time, and I totally didn't know! I should have just saved some effort and handed the assignment back to her.
Still jealous of Adriana Limas (ha!). Still feeling rather unattractive -- hey, it's not my fault that I don't look like a supermodel. Desperately trying to feel better, but the more desperate I am, the worse it seems to become.
Still feeling incompetent, and school doesn't help much, in contrary to popular belief. Why can't I just be good at something totally cool? Can't seem to work through my cognitive block. My thinking pipes seem to be badly clogged.
Feeling like a callus person lately, too. Also a neglectful friend and family member. Been trying to change these things, but running into deadends due to the simple fact that one can't do too many things at the same time.
Last night, I became very sensitive to any mention of the name "Dana" or the term "my ex-girlfriend" by Brian, which, coupled with the aforementioned duress, apparently set me off crying. Inevitably reminded me of his THIRD TIME calling his ex-girlfriend his "girlfriend" right in front of me over the weekend. (Third time in 7 months, averaging about once every 2.33 months, or 9 weeks, is rather ridiculous and painfully discouraging, I would say.) Kinda belittles the relationship, doesn't it? He tried to play it off as "I meant my girlfriend at the time", but really, why couldn't it have been "My ex-girlfriend used to ..."? He always apologizes. He would tell me it would not happen again. However, the repetition suggests otherwise, and a similar blog will be posted again in about 9 weeks ... just you wait. Suddenly, this just made Daniels' theory of me being the de facto rebound girl with whom my bf just happened to fall in love seem sadly plausible. Daniels might have had a point there (oh that cynic).
Back to the original episode. Last night, something Brian told me reminded me of my inability to comprehend his idea of conserving residual links with his ex and her friends and family members, which was the scenario that pushed an already edgy me over the edge and down the cliff. I can understand his conserving ties if they have kids together, but then again, I wouldn't have been with him to begin with because I don't do the whole "divorced with kids" thing coz I admit that I'm not that generous with my love and affection. Believe me, I've tried to understand his point of view -- I really tried, especially when I am still coping with his health condition -- but to no avail; I just can't seem to accept it, and it's really hard to cope with. I can only hope for out-of-sight-out-of-mind. Considering my swiftly efficient and apparently effective method (and ruthless, perhaps) to cut ties with past relationships, frankly, the fact that my boyfriend still cares about anything that has to do with her bothers me. Regardless of his denying there is anything there, I believe differently, judging from his actions. He still cares about her, and he cares more than he'd like to admit. Personally, my goal is to try to be fair to the person I love. Once a relationship is over, so is everything else (as much as possible) that goes with it. ... So that I can give my new relationship the best chance it deserves with as blank a slate as I can possibly offer. But obviously, he believes differently. And what can I do? (Nothing.)

By the way, even though he called me a push-over, I am not. I'm just not pushy with him.

Yay. Happy Valentine's Day ....