Declaration Against

I have determined that the women's restroom in Science Building 2 at Portland State University must be the stinkiest and nastiest restroom in the school. Well, maybe after the ones at the School of Business Administration, but ... you get my point, being that I hate using the bathrooms at Science Building 2.

... Like this morning.
I had to go. And when ya gotta go, you just gotta go.

I walked into the bathroom, and immediately, I caught this whiff of ... this whiff of ... ewwww. I can't even describe to you exactly the blend of smells. Maybe rancid, moldy, rotten, somewhat chemical and synthetic, yet organic at the same time.

But what would you have me do? I had to go.

I chose the third stall, hoping that it would be a good pick. But then again, if the place is already stenched up at 7:45 in the morning, you know any choice is a bad choice.

Surprisingly, there wasn't anything horrifying in there that could have made me hurl up that hot dog I had last night from my stomach's abyss.

Well, ok, I thought. I closed the stall door and turned around. The toilet seat was up, and when it's up, it blocks to way to a convenient access to the flush lever with my foot. So, patiently, but slightly irritated, I pulled some toilet paper, wrapped it around my hand to put the seat down.

FYI: I hate that.

But hey, I mean, at least it makes sense because it shows that the toilets have been "cleaned", whatever the definition of the term is. At least it didn't happen to be the lid of a toilet lifted to block the view of the motion sensor for an automatic flush system. In that case, I would usually feel that it's an insult to my intelligence by the malicious design of some evil/bonehead janitor to ruin my mood. I mean, it's an obvious design flaw, so why is it there?

So, I proceeded to do my business, but the water from the toilet practically jumped up to greet me/my bottom/the back of my pants.

FYI: I hate that, too.

Really, why did I have to go through so much just to use the bathroom?? This has compelled me to declare the following:

1) I don't like smelly, dirty bathrooms;
2) I don't like touching anything in the public bathroom, especially door knobs and the stall latch;
3) I get irritated at the stupid person that would put a motion detector behind a toilet lid where it cannot detect anything -- defeats the purpose, don't you think?
4) I don't like it when water in the toilet splashes on me;
5) I hate it when my pants are to long, and they slip and touch the ground right in front of the toilet, which I am convinced is the dirtiest parts in the entire restroom (I don't quite understand how people can feel so at ease with throwing their belongings -- and pants -- so casually on the ground);
6) I also hate it when the back of my pants touch the toilet when I crouch (no, I never sit);
7) I don't like it when the automatic flush (when the motion detector actually works) flushes the toilet before I'm done just because I moved a certain way;
8) I don't like it when the toilet flushes too violently -- it startles me, and it makes the toilet water get everywhere;
9) Again, the stall latch;
10) Squeezing out the stall is an annoying effort. No matter how small I am, I still have a hard time getting out because the space between an opened door and the toilet is just too small -- and I DON'T want to touch the toilet;
11) I hate it when the soup smells bad -- it makes my hands smell bad for a long time;
12) I dislike air-dryers for drying your hands because you know lots of dust and mold grow in side the machine (I dont like paper towels either, because it is a waste, and I hate touching the handle ... I use my pants, usually);
13) Again, I hate touching the door handle, so I either sneak out after someone else has opened the door or use a paper towel (necessary evil). You know how many people don't wash their hands after they, uh, relieve themselves?
14) I hate holding the bathroom door, too. So I either use my foot or my elbow. Well, more like the bottom of my foot.

Why am I constantly subjected to this kind of psychological torment? What exactly did I do anything to deserve this?

I proclaim today as the beginning of a revolution to fight against dirty toilets! By my word, I shall live in agony no more!