Dawn

Dev,

It has been a good day today, as you know. I didn't get to hang out with Josh ... because he wouldn't have been able to take me home, which is really stupid because I still can't drive. But I'm taking some action to fix that. And you know what? I was exhausted from jumping around excited all day anyway. I haven't told you about my exciting experience at the seminar after I got off the phone with you, and the fact that I may be taking over my friend's lease and move in this August to downtown Portland, but I'll tell you that when you have time ... soon, hopefully. Before that, I must tell you this: remember that you told me I need to face up to the freshman year incident by teling someone? Well, I never told my parents, but I decided that tonight must end well, and I decided after today's great experience that I CAN do something about my life and heal (and not worry about whether Josh likes me or not anymore even if he doesn't think that I'm cool enough because I can't drive, which I AM self-conscious about or aren't "pretty enough" or cool enough in anyway), I decided to tell my cousin. I told my cousin, Phil, that I was raped my freshman year, how I went through my college career, and everything about my senior year (as much as I can cram into a hour and a half of AIM convo anyway, which was better than the phone because I could think before I speak and not let the choking tears get in the way of my voice) up until now. It was soooo therapeutic because we both found out so much about ourselves.

You know what we found out? He finally realized for the first time in his life that his grandfather -- our fathers' father -- committed suicide, was addicted to alcohol, was depressed and everything. Phil had no idea. He had stories told to him about Grammpa's death. He also realized that HE might have been dealing with depression as well ... at LEAST moodiness, but I believe it's definitely depression. Clinical depression, just like alcoholism, usually runs in families. And I believe that depression is something that is passed down to the kids in my family that THINK THE MOST ... Phil, for one, me, ... and I MUST watch out for Julia, our 11-yr-old cousin. She thinks a lot. She thinks so much. Her imagination runs far and wide, and one day, she might run into the same issue.

But what I realized is that this thing with my grandfather has always haunted me in some very subtle ways. I never realized it's impact, both physical and emotional, and both directly and indirectly, on me (and Phil). I realized that I miss him (or the idea of a grandfather anyway), and I wish that I had gotten to know him. Phil and I both realized that we have inherited from him not only his dangerous traits, but also his greatest (possibly): my grandfather must have been a brilliant man. For the level of education he received and the environment that he was in (post WWII and still heavily colonial), he was in the British Navy, and learned English, and was some sort of interpreter for the Navy. And the both of us are strong people. We never gave up even at our lowest of the low. My greatest achievement so far is possibly that I lived to see every morning (ok, not literally, coz I do sleep in late a lot, but you get what I mean) even after the worst of nights. It's as if my grandfather somehow endowed us with these strengths because he knew we'd need them, that he wish he hadn't done what he did, so to rectify it, he sent us these "powers". Of course, that's figurative, but you know what? Who knows? Maybe his spirit is what's holding me and Phil now.

I may never tell my parents, and they may never understand me because of that. But you know, I don't seek for them to understand me completely, now to think of it, because that's my past, and I don't want them to live there. I want to make up for that in a different way, with my future, in what I want to do with myself, in what I CAN do with myself, for a new relationship. I don't know when that will happen, but you know, it'll come when the time is right. I may tell my brother, Phil's brother, and, even later on, the little ones (Julia and Esther, who's 3). But the time for that will come ... when I feel it, they will know ... just like tonight with Phil.

After opening up, I feel actually safer. It was a good experience and good decision to tell Phil.

It's been a good day.

Thanks for being my friend.

Love you loads.

PS. Dennis wrote me back.

Elaine