About to go out

I like It's a Break UP not a Breakdown better. The other one kinda bothered me. hahaha!!! I'm only at the Intro, but it sounds right.

The thing is, I don't want a book that tells me exactly what to do -- I don't want a prescription. That's why my 2 therapists didn't work out for me. I want a "conversation" with a respectable voice. Nothing self-righteous, thank you very much.

With all the pain and turmoil, I do see the bright side to my Big Breakup. I had all the right intentions with the wrong guy, creating a less-than-optimal relationship. All my bases are covered: I am not calling/e-mailing/running back to my ex, in part assisted by his indifference and swiftness to move on, I am not doing anything stupid, like sleeping around, partying excessively, jumping into another relationship hastily, or being self-destructive in any way. That's great. Survival mode is active.

Furthermore, I am trying to figure out how to move on, to improve and to grow. I am taking a leading role in my own future, meanwhile, letting those who care about me take an active role as well.

But as survival mode is active, panic mode seems to be on standby. My problem seems to be how to "find peace," so to speak. My anger and frustrations with progress slower than I prefer, with the past, and the overturning of what I call "the great equalizing effect," where people who do you wrong will "get theirs." Essentially, Karma, with a more scientific name. I am confronted with: "If he is so 'happy,' then does it mean I deserved it? Does it mean I really suck, because he's rid of me, and he's finally 'free'?" And other absurd things that I can't seem to barge. I, then, start to internalize these things and make what is essentially his mistakes into mine. These things are such potholes to my eventual growth and happiness that sometimes they set me back.

And as I sit here describing these things to you, even though I consciously know what is happening, I don't subconsciously know it enough to stop doing it. It's like I'm narrating what I think about how I feel -- a completely logical but helpless act ... because what you KNOW has very little to do with HOW YOU FEEL.

So at this moment, I can only hope that the more I read and the more I digest, the more able I am to face up to the things that I feel with less hopelessness and more faith.

Anyway, enough with my rant. Thanks for letting me borrow your books!