Learning About Nothingness

I feel that I have been trying to defend who I am and arguing against accusations of who I am not quite a bit lately. No, it's not people around me; it's just the legacy left behind by someone in my past.

I think the underlying subconscious desire might be that, if I can disprove what he said about me well enough, then maybe the good things will come back.

I feel that no one escapes with no fault on their side, so I deliberately but subconsciously try to find fault in myself, to work on it, so that I could solve "the problem."

But, see, the reality is that he did not leave me because of who I am or who I am not. He left me because of who HE is. He did not abandon me because of my faults, but his insecurities that he cannot reconcile.

So, really, there is nothing to linger for: no love to share, no common future to look forward to, ... not even disagreements and fights. At this moment, what I miss the most is sharing our days with each other. Just a simple "So how was your day?" was exciting for me to look forward to. Like, today, I got a compliment on how I went "above and beyond the call of duty" and I will "go far in life". Instinctively, I thought to myself, "Oh, I am going to tell him about it after work!" Of course, that was only for a second, but that made me realize just how important that companionship was to me ... someone to share my days with.

But it's so hard to take in the reality of nothingness because how I feel isn't nothing to me.